It’s always going to be impossible for our nitwitted friends in Hollywood to avoid taking themselves too seriously. Even the most humble of all of the Oscar winners has a big tattoo on the back of his head. It’s like they are just begging for us to mock them. If I had been in one of those Oscar pools, I’d have won, big time. I called every winner from Best Animated Feature (The Incredibles), to both supporting awards (Cate Blanchett and Morgan Freeman), both lead awards (Hilary Swank and Eric Bishop…I mean, Jamie Foxx) to best picture (Million Dollar Baby) and best director (Clint Eastwood). I even called both screen play awards (Sideways and Million Dollar Baby). But you know what? So did you guys. Was there a surprise? Even one? So yeah, we all would have won our money back in the Oscar pool. Big whup. This was the first Oscars I’ve seen in HD and some of the people are just plain scary. Laura Linney ought to sue the guy who invented High Definition TV. She looked like she was 1,000 years old. Clint Eastwood looked older than his 96 year old mom. Melanie Griffith’s lips were bigger than her head. Thankfully I don’t get either the TV Guide Channel or E! in HD yet, so I’m not scarred for life at the sights of what Joan...Read More
Feb 24, 2005 | Andy
It will be very difficult for Sammy Sosa to top something he said yesterday. According to Chris DeLuca (and like Brian Fantana, 60 percent of the time, DeLuca’s right every time), Sammy responded to a question yesterday about his boombox getting smashed in Chicago last year this way, ”I don’t really care. You know why? Because when the man is not in the house, the chickens are jumping around.” Apparently, Sammy has chickens in his house. I guess we know who the first baseball player to get the avian flu will be. This was only slightly more intelligble than what Dusty Baker said about Barry Bonds yesterday. “I mean, O.J. was found [not guilty] but in the minds of a lot of people he was still guilty,” Baker said. “Why do we have this system in place here if you’re going to be exonerated for something and still be guilty?” I’m sure Barry’s very excited that his former manager is comparing him to OJ. Always a good time. Would it be possible for reporters to refrain from quoting either The Gladiator or Captain Toothpick for a couple of weeks? We need a break. It’s just tiresome. Oh, and the non-stop boombox stories can stop, too. Truth is, after the initial laugh we got when he found out it had been smashed, we just didn’t really give a shit. I’m...Read More
Feb 22, 2005 | Andy
It hardly seems fair to spend an entire column on the Cubs, when they haven’t even played an exhibition game yet, while ignoring the Bulls return to the NBA. Exiled for seven years after Michael Jordan left town, the NBA decided to relocate an actual NBA team in Chicago and hey, this is kind of fun! What, you mean the Bulls never left? They’ve been playing games all this time–just doing it extremely poorly? Well, whatever the case, the Bulls are a better than .500 team and mediocrity never felt so good. To be fair, the Bulls aren’t medicore anymore. Since an 0-9 start they’re 26-14. That’s good in any league. They’re also a rare NBA team that doesn’t rely on one superstar and a bunch of jealous chuckers. They win as a team, they play defense as a team and they turn it over (a lot) as a team. But it’s not for a lack of talent. If the stars aligned just right, this Bulls team could have three of the premiere players in the league on it down the road. If the stars align wrong? Well, there’s always the new WNBA team to look forward to. By now you know the drill. Let’s get to it. Scott Skiles — Head coach/”Genesis” drummer– Sure, the Phil Collins jokes are tired, but I can’t resist. We never start these...Read More
Feb 17, 2005 | Andy
Trying to figure out a team on the first day of Spring training is a fool’s errand to say the least. Well, I’m a fool, so what the hell, it seems like a good enough time to do our first Cubs Report of 2005. When last we left our heroes we were standing near the players’ parking lot on October 3rd throwing dog poop at them while they got in their cars to drive home for the winter. Wait, how much of that was out loud? Anyway, all is forgiven, and since the most loathesome of the Cubs–Chip Caray, Wavin’ Wendell, Tom Goodwin, Ramon Martinez, The Farns and The Gladiator–are gone, we need new guys to mock (and to root for of course). Since our audience is growing by the leaps and bounds, this seems like a good time to get you caught up on all the nicknames, too. By midseason every year, we need to publish a glossary so in the GameCasts we can figure out who we’re mocking. Pitchers Mark Prior (The Franchise)— If doom wore a number last spring it was 22. We should have known when he got shut down in spring training that it was over. If we were smart, we’d have all found other ways to spend our summer. But we’re not smart. We’re Cubs fans. Even when he came back he wasn’t...Read More
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