Yesterday, we entertained the masses (theoretically) with another award-winning edition of our NFL Preview, which is basically just us talking to a bunch of drunken football scouts about each team.

You don’t get this kind of insight just anyplace. Perhaps because nobody else is dumb enough to write ths crap down. Yesterday was the NFC, today the AFC, even though they’ve already played a game.

Before we turn things over to the scouts, did anybody else try to watch the “special edition” of NFL Sunday Countdown that was on for two hours before last night’s Patriots-Raiders game? Were you just as disturbed as I was by Chris Berman’s appearance? The broadcast wasn’t even in HD and he looked like (I’m not even kidding) he died two weeks ago. While he’s never been a handsome man, and his inability to come to grips with his baldness results in some weird hairdo-combover combos each week, last night he had bags under his eyes that New Orleans evacuees could have filled with most of their pre-Hurricane belongings.

Over on ABC, at the same time, they were convinced that nobody can fire you up for the NFL season quite like Freddie Prinze, Jr. can. Huh?

Freddie was soooo excited by all the acts on the bill. He went nutty for Green Day and The Rolling Stones (who sang one song nobody has ever heard before and doesn’t care to again, and I wasn’t watching the other time they were on, so I have no idea what they sang then), and we watched as either Michelle Branch or Vanessa Carlton (like there’s a difference) lip-synched through a song while riding around on a paper football. Bob Kraft wore a pink tie and revealed the 2004 Super Bowl XXXIX banner and then the big cheesy inflatable football helmet that teams all run out of, proved to not actually be inflatable, but the top popped open and who popped out? Ozzy Osbourne!

Ozzy lip-synched the first half of Crazy Train (and did a better job than Michelle Carlton, or Vanessa Branch or whichever one it was), then the Patriots came running out onto the field (I’m sure Bill Belichick loved that) and then they turned Ozzy’s mic on live and he sang the rest of the song and for a guy who can’t talk, he still can sing. Who knew?

But my favorite moment had to do with Freddie Prinze. He was so used to introducing rock stars that he kept his weird “I’m so excited that I’m screaming like a little girl” vibe going and he said, “Give it up for Trih-shuh Year-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” Trisha sang the national anthem, did a good job and proved that whoever built Gillette Stadium used a lot of rebar because she didn’t collapse the part of the stadium she was perched on.

Back on ESPN Steve Young had the best line when Berman bellowed, “Are you ready for some football?” and Young added, “I just hope the Raiders are.”

AFC Previews

New England Patriots
Our scouts say: I was worried that Belichick had lost it when he OK’d the signing of David Terrell, but then he cut him, so I realized he hadn’t lost his mind…They didn’t play Deion Branch at all in the preseason and nobody noticed…Corey Dillon was on his best behavior last year after the Patriots paroled him from Cincinnati, but now he’s got a ring so he can go back to being an asshole again…They cut Troy Brown? I mean I know they brought him back, but this guy played wide receiver and defensive back for them last year and returned kicks and punts and saved their asses and they cut him? See, this is why they win, they’ll cut anybody, just ask Lawyer Milloy and Ty Law…They’re going to miss Charlie Weis. He always brought in a half-dozen doughnuts every morning. He actually bought a dozen, but the doughnut shop was a five mile drive from the stadium so half of them never stood a chance.

Buffalo Bills
Our scouts say: They’re a trendy pick to be a playoff team, mostly because they won six games in a row and would have made the playoffs had they beaten Pissburgh in the final game of the season last year. But Pissburgh was playing all backups and they still beat Buffalo. Sure, pick that bunch to make the playoffs…They’re taking a big chance trading away Travis Henry to clear the way for Willis McGahee, it’s not like Willis has ever blown out his knee or anything…I’d like to punch JP Losman in the face…I love Takeo Spikes, he’s fast and smart and a really good player. He also taunts other players by yelling, “I’m a gonna Takeo Spikes and shove them upeyo ass!” That never gets old…They used to fire up the crowd by playing a highlight film that ended with the famous Marv Levy speech where he says, “Where would you rather be than right here, right now?” They had to stop showing it because the crowd was actually making suggestions of places they’d rather be, and actually, so were some of the players.

Miami Dolphins
Our scouts say: I’ll hand it to them for being smart enough to fire Dave Wannstedt, but they were dumb enough to hire that moron in the first place. They still have some remnants of the Wannstedt regime around, like Rick Spielman. That guy wouldn’t know a real football player if one were his brother. Oh, wait, one was. Never mind…Dan Marino had the right idea. They offered him the job as president last fall and he asked if he could fire Wannstedt. They told him no, so he quit. I respect that…I’m still trying to decide if the “loser” of the AJ Feeley-Gus Frerotte quarterback battle isn’t actually the guy who has to start?…No matter what they tell you they only wanted Ricky Williams back so they can trade him. They’d have a better chance of trading him if they threw in Nate Newton’s car…Everybody talks about how great the defense is, but look at it, the best players (Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas and Sam Madison) were all the best players seven years ago. Aren’t they kind of old now?…Raise your hand if you remembered that Junior Seau hasn’t retired yet. You forgot, didn’t you?…I think Nick Saban’s going to win a lot of games in the NFL. I also think he might be the first coach who’s players openly try to drown during a Gatorade “celebration.”

New York Jets
Our scouts say: I’ve always liked Chad Pennington, because I have thing for curly-haired sissies who can’t throw a football more than 30 yards in the air…I could listen to Herm Edwards talk all day, none of it would make sense, but it would sound great…John Abraham held out, pretty much just so he could avoid training camp and when he came in he changed his number from 94 to 56. Maybe he’d been gone so long he just forgot what number he was?…I like it when announcers are astonished at how many yards Curtis Martin has rushed for. Let’s see, he’s been one of the best running backs in the NFL for ten years, you know guys, that stuff starts to add up after a while. Shouldn’t they be embarrassed that they supposedly cover pro football for a living and they openly admit they had no idea how good one of the best players has been for a decade? See, that’s what they get for pulling that fake incredulity bulls@#$ on us…Mike Nugent is their new kicker? Really? The Nuge? I still have an 8-track of “Double Live Gonzo.”…Laveranues Coles is back from a little sabbatical to Washington. This will work out great for Pennington because Coles has finally slowed down enough that he won’t overrun every one of his passes.

North

Baltimore Ravens
Our scouts say: If it ever comes to it, I want to go on record as volunteering to pull Brian Billick’s feeding tube…My favorite part of training camp is when you go around the room and everybody tells each other what they did on their summer vacation. This year I was with the Ravens when they did theirs. Todd Heap said that he and his cute little wife spent a few weeks on Nantucket, learned to ballroom dance and bought a new Saab. Anthony Wright said he relaxed at home with his family, brushing up on the playbook (ass kisser) and Jamal Lewis said he shanked a guy in prison…I’m still astonished at how popular Ray Lewis is. I know he’s a great player, but he’s killed more people (allegedly) than Brick Tamland…Ed Reed’s really good…Kyle Boller is not really good, in fact, the one quarterback who stands between them and the Super Bowl isn’t Tom Brady or Peyton Manning. It’s Kyle Boller. Awful…The re-signed my favorite fullback last week when the Chargers’ cut Ovie Mughelli. You can’t not love Ovie Mughelli…They’ve got two BJs, BJ Sams and BJ Ward. I’ve been married for nine years and that’s one more than I’ve had.

Cincinnati Bengals
Our scouts say: Craig Krenzel made the team. I’m not even making this up. Sure, they put a bunch of guys on the four-week inactive list and he’s the fourth-string QB and will get dumped soon, but still, that can’t be a good sign for a team with playoff hopes…Krenzel was the only guy in football who could describe in detail the molecular structure of a football, but could not hold on to one when he got hit, or if it was windy, or if somebody started him too long…Marvin Lewis was supposed to be a defensive genius and he did a great job in Baltimore and an OK job in Washington, but his Bengals’ defenses have been lousy. Last year he let Leslie Frazier call himself the defensive coordinator but Marvin was running the show. He fired Leslie. It’s not going to help…Offensively, they have a lot of weapons, I like Rudi Johnson a lot. Carson Palmer’s got a rocket arm and knows what to do with it. Chad Johnson’s obnoxious but really good and the number two reciever TJ Housemanzeta-jones is pretty good, too…One of their tight ends is named Brad St. Louis. There’s no joke there, just pointing out his queer-assed name.

Pissburgh Steelers
Our scouts say: Was I the only one who noticed that while everybody was fellating Ben Roethlisberger last year, that really all he did was hand off and throw screen passes? Apparently, I was. Well, me and Bill Belichick…Gee, Duce Staley is hurt again. Who saw that coming? Anybody?…Their defense is great and Dick LeBeau might be the best defensive coordinator around…Bill Cowher’s daughter is 6’0 tall and plays basketball at Princeton. Congratulations, Bill! That’s great. Maybe one of the other girls will be straight…Charlie Batch is their third-string quarterback. Wow, no wonder they went to Roethisberger when Tommy Maddox got hurt last year…Do you think Maddox makes the other players jealous by wearing his XFL Championship ring? Wait, I’m sure Vince McMahon gave those clowns belts, never mind…Noah Herron made the team. He’d have been better served to be in New Orleans. I’ll wait while you make your own biblical flood joke…. … … How’s the joke coming? Got one?…. Good.

South

Houston Texans
Our scouts say: The NFL was going to switch to headsets that used ear-buds instead of the big headphone things the coaches wear now, but Dom Capers complained that without the headset he doesn’t have anything to keep his toupee attached to his head…Remember when David Carr and his dad pledged to not cut their hair until Houston won back-to-back games? That was stupid as hell, wasn’t it?…Carr got sacked 1,247 times last year. Wait, that seems high. Well, he got sacked a lot, anyway…Quick, name their running back! I guarantee you that if you said Domanick Davis that you have him on your fantasy team. Otherwise nobody knows him. Half his teammates think it’s still James Allen…When Tony Banks is your backup quarterback it’s obvious you’re trying a “scared straight” approach to motivating your offensive linemen to keep Carr healthy…Actually Dave Ragone is the number two guy now, Banks is third. Like that matters…

Indianapolis Colts
Our scouts say: Nobody looks gawkier than Peyton Manning dressed in white from head to toe in a Colts’ road uniform. The only way they’ll ever beat New England in the playoffs is to get them in the RCA Dome where he only looks like half a geek…Frankly, I never get tired of watching Marvin Harrison catch a ball and dive on the turf like a French soldier at Bastogne…Their starting free safety this year is Bob Sanders. He’s 5’8. Five-eight! Are they going to play him on Mike Doss’ shoulders? Wait, that would only get them to about 9’10…Dwight Freeney is a tremendous pass rusher, well against anybody but New England…Edgerrin James is going to have a big year because he finally gets to be a free agent next season. When he’ll be 28 and just about out of gas…I think this is the year they get to the Super Bowl. Then again, I think Isla Fisher is going to win an Oscar for “Wedding Crashers.”

…Tony Dungy’s a good coach, but you get the feeling he’s going to be the Buck Showalter of the NFL. When he finally leaves a team they’ll win the title the next season. Hey, maybe the Bears should bring him in for a season?

Jacksonville Jaguars
Our scouts say: Jack Del Rio always looks pissed. I’ll bet he makes the guys at the car wash nervous…Reggie Williams was a big disappointment for him last year. Serves them right, they should have learned from the LA Clippers. Never draft a guy named Reggie Williams…Byron Leftwich can really throw the ball, which is good since it’s his job…Some other scouts think he’s too fat, but come on, what kind of shape do you need to be in to play quarterback? Brett Favre’s started more than 200 games in a row and he was hopped up on pain pills for two-thirds of those…Good news, last year they went the whole season without a punter going on the IR after injuring himself with an axe in the locker room. Let’s just say they couldn’t say the same thing a year ago…Every year I trade for David Garrad to be the backup for my Madden franchise. I never actually use him, though…I love this Matt Jones kid. He’s huge, he’s fast and I pity the defensive back who has to tackle this big bastard 40 yards down the field. They do lots of dumb stuff in Jacksonville, but drafting him wasn’t one of them…They ought to line the 5’8 Chad Owens up next to Jones, I’ll bet he defense wouldn’t even see him.

Tennessee Titans
Our scouts say: Did Jeff Fisher lose the beard this year? It made him look like a cross between Kenny Rogers and Billy Ray Cyrus. Not good…I can’t figure this team out. They’re pretty well shot, but when you’ve got Steve McNair your offense has a chance to be pretty good, then you throw Norm Chow in the mix and they might actually be pretty good. See, I have no damn idea…I liked their trade for Travis Henry. I’d have liked it even more if he could have beaten out Chris Brown…They traded Rocky Calmus to Indianapolis and kept Rocky Boiman. I think they kept the wrong Rocky. Boiman’s like Rocky V. Bad, unnecessary and pointless…If you’re going to have two of something, get a second tank. They should trade with the Bears for Tank Johnson to play him with Tank Williams. Yes, I have too much time on my hands…Jarrett Payton was the MVP of NFL Europe last year and he’s on the Titans practice squad. That tells you everything you’ll ever need to know about NFL Europe.

West

Denver Broncos
Our scouts say: Even with one good eye, Mike Shanahan should have seen that drafting Maurice Clarett was a waste of a pick…Honestly, I’ve seen their receivers, they don’t have three better than Brian Baschnagel, let alone Jerry Rice…You mean Jake Plummer hasn’t worn out his welcome yet? What were the odds on that? He’s been terrible? Man, the Broncos fans are slipping…They keep waiting for Ashley Lelie to turn into a superstar, but how many guys named Ashley do you know, nevermind how many tough guys do you know named Ashley?…Al Wilson’s a very good player, still. Can’t say the same about whatever’s left of John Lynch…How many freakin’ ex Browns do they have on their defense? Six? Didn’t they ever see the Browns actually play defense?…When Ron Dayne makes your team, your offense is in trouble…I still wouldn’t have traded Clinton Portis for Champ Bailey.

Kansas City Chiefs
Our scouts say: Every time I go to a Chiefs’ practice I wish Slim Pickens would show up and yell at the players, “You guys are dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!” But I think I’m the only one who wishes that…I have this great alarm clock that you can set to play nature sounds as you fall asleep. I have it set on ocean waves right now, but on Sunday I’ll switch it over to “Dick Vermeil weeping” for the rest of the football season…Trent Green has a shunt in his leg? How old is he, 87?…Priest Holmes had a good, but not year coming back from hip surgery. Jeebus, how old are ALL THESE GUYS?…I don’t care who they brought in, their defense still sucks and they can’t beat Indianapolis or New England. What’s the point?…Their backup quarterbacks are Damon Huard and Todd Collins. This has to be a joke. That can’t be true. Really? Wow…I do like their first round pick, Derrick Johnson. But he’ll have to create a crapload of fumbles to keep this team in the hunt.

Oakland Raiders
Our scouts say: They traded nothing for Randy Moss, nothing. So of course it’s a good deal. But watch, Kerry Collins will suffer because he’ll look for Moss on every play. Not that Collins ever was any good in the first place…I like Lamont Jordan because it’s fun to watch fat guys run fast…Norv Turner inspires confidence in men. Unfortunately, those men are on the opposing team…Warren Sapp says he’ll have a better year this season. It’d be hard to be worse…It’s still a bad sign when your fans are tougher than your team is…Their defense was pretty lousy last year. You’ll be able to write that down next year, too…Robert Gallery is scary looking. I mean seriously, scary. I walked by him the other day and I pooped a little bit. I couldn’t help it.

San Diego Chargers
Our scouts say: Last year they were the darlings of—well, of San Diego, I guess, and they were fun to watch. But I’m not sold. Marty Schottenheimer’s still the worst playoff coach, well, ever, and Drew Brees is likely to have been a mirage last year…Antonio Gates is a great player and he’s probably the main reason Brees was so much better last year…LaDanian Tomlinson is the best player in the NFL. I don’t even think it’s close…Their defense was solid last year, but there are too many castoffs from bad defenses like Donnie Edwards (Chiefs) to make me real confident…They draft a corner in the first two rounds every year and they either can’t tackle (Sammy Davis) or can’t stop mauling receivers (Quentin Jammer). That’s not good…I like their kicker, Nate Kaeding even if he did choke last year.

Oops! We forgot the Browns…

Cleveland Browns
Our scouts say: It wouldn’t surprise me if by midseason Romeo is up in the tower over the practice field drinking poison…Everybody says that Trent Dilfer is a great leader, and I agree, he’s a good guy to have around, but he’s a backup at this point. I’d bite the bullet and turn it over to Charlie Frye, or Channing Frye for that matter, or hell, Carol Channing…They do have potential on offense, but only if they can keep their skill positions guys off of motorcycles…Lee Suggs is a nice player and William Green isn’t a nice anything…If they were in a weaker division they could be a .500 team, but when you have to play the Steelers and Ravens twice and the worst team is the Bengals, you’ve got problems.