How’s a guy supposed to cram stuff about the Bears’ season opener, Notre Dame’s win in the Big House, the Cubs’ surge into Wild Card contention and analysis of our three adopted playoff contenders into one Dose?
This is the kind of quadruple coverage that even Kyle Orton wouldn’t throw into, right?
Right?
Wait, wait. We’re not supposed to blame the loss on Orton. That’s what all the brilliant football analysts (and Chicago has no fewer than 19 of them) told us after the 9-7 loss to the Redskins’ yesterday. Even though he did throw an interception in the third quarter that cost the Bears at least three points and he fumbled away their last-ditch effort. But Orton wasn’t “as bad as feared” so this is supposed to be considered a positive.
Look, he didn’t play awful. And if Lance Briggs didn’t give the Chuck Bednarik treatment to Patrick Ramsey, Ramsey might actually have thrown a TD or two to the Bears. Orton also didn’t interfere with a Redskin on Nate Vasher’s second insterception (no, it was nate). Orton didn’t take a first and 10 at the Redskins’ 34 in the fourth quarter and miss a block to lose two yards on first down, then go offsides THREE PLAYS IN A ROW, then allow a sack. No, that was the offensive line.
He didn’t let Clinton Portis (and to a lesser extent, the lesser Ledell Betts) run all over him, either.
So what does that tell you about the Bears’ effort? There’s plenty of blame to go around. That’s rarely ever a good thing.
But hey, Brad Maynard punted pretty well! Whee!
It was a frustrating game to watch, thanks in part to Dick Stockton, who called Mark Brunell “Scott Brunell” at least 15 times. At one point, he corrected himself, “MARK Brunell, it’s not Scott.” Then on the next play he called him Scott again.
Somewhere, Scott Burrell was at home watching TV saying, “Dick Stockton loves me!” OK, maybe not.
Things weren’t any better over on WBBM where Jeff Joniak was again making a mess of the play-by-play. I know that The Wizard of Roz wrote a column last week where he talked about how great Tom Thayer is (Thayer’s not bad, but come on) and how much improved Joniak is (that’s pure fiction.)
I only listened to Jeff for about five minutes of game action and it was enough to prove that even without Hub around to annoy him and us and well, everybody, Jeff still stinks. He still goes way too long without giving you a score or time update, he never tells you what the score is and he can’t be troubled to give you down and distance or what yard line the ball is on. Isn’t that kind of the job? Aren’t you supposed to assume that since you’re doing the radio call, that the vast majority of the people listening to you are doing it because they can’t SEE the game? Guh.
The Bears didn’t play well. The defense wasn’t as dominant as it’s going to need to be (and to be fair, as dominant as it’s capable of being), they couldn’t run the ball because Washington was daring them to pass and the Redskins really do have a great defense. But you looked around the league and there were a lot of teams who didn’t play well. Baltimore’s offense made the Bears’ look like the Fouts-era Chargers. The Jets couldn’t have held onto the ball if Tim McGraw duct taped it to their hands. The Cardinals offense consisted of Larry Fitzgerald and…well, Larry Fitzgerald. The Chargers coughed up a game they had won for about 55 minutes. The Packers are so bad, it’s actually pretty hilarious. The Rams lost to the Niners. The Niners. Wow.
So all is not lost. But it’s not exactly a great way to start the season. Just once it’d be nice to have an offense.
I actually interfered with a Redskin on Vasher’s second INT. It was me. I reached over and grabbed the guy’s shirt needlessly while Nate jumped the route for the pick. Should I have not done that?
Sorry, Mike. I didn’t know it was you. That was the part of the game where I was relying on Jeff Joniak to keep me informed.
How can we go offsides?
I gave Orton “Player of the Game”.
Not that anyone else deserved it, but Orton?!? Who here thinks I hate Hub as much as y’all and am just reacting to his strong “Anti-Orton” stance that the SCORE sometimes plays in its promos? Going out of my way to disgaree with that little shit.
Hey Hub– ND 17, U of M 10. Not that you actually played ball at Michigan, you’re just their #1 foam-finger-wearing dorky fan.
Where’d you play ball?!?
If I were Bobby Cox, I’d pretty much mail in the games against Philly because if they go 5-2 against you and win the WC over Houston then the Braves play San Diego instead of Houston. Of course they’ve got to make sure they don’t blow their 7 game lead over the Marlins (and 8 over the Phillies).
#3, somehow that’s probably my fault too.
If only Dusty had not made me a closer. I’m just lights out as a setup man, right? Whoa, I think I just sharted.
I may be the cockiest player on the Cubs.
Anytime Mike Brown wants to cover somebody is okay with me.
And it’s not even my birthday. It feels kind of dirty. I like.
You’re all welcome!
“but the chances of all of them losing enough games to let the Cubs sneak through are about as realistic as the chances of anybody watching that show on Fox between The Simpsons and Family Guy.”
People watch The Simpsons?
Are you seriously dissing the Simpsons. Don’t make me go all Android Dungeon Comic Book Store Guy on your ass.
Are you seriously dissing the Simpsons? Don’t make me go all Android Dungeon Comic Book Store Guy on your ass.
D’OH! I double posted.
I just read Peter King’s MMQB and I have to say it was utterly incomprehensible. When I got to the line “these are my non-NFL thoughts…” I had to back up and check because it didn’t seem like there’d been ANY NFL thoughts to that point. Although I did enjoy his Brick Tamlin-like “Things I like” and “Things I don’t like”. Kyle Orton. Stapler. Air Conditioning.
People watch Family Guy?
Last night’s Family Guy flirted with ‘Average’ and ‘Below Average’ with your usual face-saving joke thrown in here and there.
Any diss on The Simpsons is undeserved, because that show was a major pillar for most people growing up at that time. I was a watcher from season 1, but since circa 2003 I’ve had the inability to find any humor within the show, whether its new episodes or vintage. Probably a defect of mine, although similar cases have been popping up elsewhere.
That show in between Simps/FG though? I’m up for dissing the fuck out of that in hopes it gets imploded to nothingness. A thousand middle fingers primarily directed towards its premise, and whoever may have come up with it.
Ow, my fr**king eyes. Thanks for double-cu*sing, Mike D.
(I realize you were trying to change the period to a question mark on the 2nd posting (I’m the same way about obsessively re-reading and editing my posts (I hate having to look at a d**gum mistake in one of my comments)))
Actually #3, nobody goes offsides. It’s either a false start (offense) or encroachment (defense). I once killed a man in Pennsylvania with my bare hands for offering to violate my neutral zone.
After the Packer’s pummeling, I think I saw a dead rat, Bo Ryan, Barry Alvarez, Devin Harris, Ron Dayne and Bret Favre all squashed like roadkill on Route 41 just south of Green Bay
(I know that sometimes my jokes are obscure so I don’t explain them, and then people complain (I hate it when people complain about my writing without giving constructive criticism) so I didn’t know if (or whether) to explain this joke. If you want me to explain it (it’s really funny), please let me know).
I still love The Simpsons, but last night when it started with Homer reading the gambling pamphlet and Lisa explaining about the scheme mass mailers use to convince people they are always correct, I was sure it was a re-run of the time Lisa started picking games for him.
The whole manatee thing was a little tedious, until, of course the last scene with Mr. Burns and Smithers giving the manatee a sponge bath with “Car Wash” playing in the background.
Family Guy was lame, though I did enjoy “Spanish Quagmire”. American Dad was actually funnier than Family Guy.
As for the show in between the Simpsons and Family Guy, I won’t watch anything with Michael Rappaport in it. He is apparently Spike Lee’s idea of a tough, Italian guy, even though he’s redheaded, a pansy, and Jewish.
I watched about 10 minutes of the Rappaport show. It was essentially “Grounded for Life” with a new cast. And if you know what that means, then you, like me, need help.
Number 19 is obviously not Ed Hochuli or any of the other fine officials working the National Football League.
Encroachment = defensive player enters the neutral zone and makes contact with an opponent before the ball is snapped; play blown dead
Offside = player is beyond line of scrimmage when ball is snapped; play may continue
“Offsides” = no such term in American football, but I have heard fans call for it in rural areas
I did take in a limited amount of The Simpsons last night, and will fully admit to having a ‘laugh out loud’ when the manatee abruptly doused Marge with manatee vomit.
We (Wizards, Redskins, Nationals) own Chicago teams.
RE #21: Hmm. Let’s see…. I (Matt) am a redhead and my ex-roomie Adam is a Jew. Am not sure but were we just insulted?
Anytime you want to cover a great team, feel free to right about us.
We meant write, not right, obviously. Sorry guys, I’m strung out on meth.
…and whoever it was that just swept us.
You can’t forget that I’m the offensive idiot in Wanny’s brain mistrust. If we get Pitt to go 1-1 against Nebraska and a I-AA school in the next two weeks, our .250 winning percent we had w/ the Bears will remain intact.
– – – – – –
I thought God hated me enough as a Cubs fan. That he gave me Wanny to coach my alma mater is indisputable proof.
This just in….. The White Sox – as great as they are against the AL Central Division- can’t spell.
CT, I occasionally stopped on “grounded for Life” for non-comedic reasons. Of course, I have “TV babes” on the Food Channel, Discovery Channel, Animal Planet, QVC, all the news channels, Univision (duh!) and the Weather Channel is always chock full of cute flat-chested weather skanks. The real J-Lo rocks my oysters on TWC.
“and the Weather Channel is always chock full of cute flat-chested weather skanks.”
I’ve seen Jennifer Lopez on there too. Cheers!
This Murton and Cedeno thing with Dusty has just been an insult to Cubs fans. Dustbag has been a real piece of shit and stupid fucker that is always one step behind each and every one of us Cub fans.
DustyFuck has finally come to the asumption that it would be better to give Murton more at bats down the stretch then to run KPatt”The Assclown” to the plate.
DustyFuck has also come to the asumption that since Nomar can hit the ball and needs to be in the lineup, that he could actually adjust to play possibly left field.
Dusty you got to be kidding. These athletic baseball players only get paid millions and should be able to handle being a scoreboard operator, grounds crewman, batboy, announcer, beer vendor, and yes even other positions on the field.
Next year’s lineup, which won’t happen, because of DustyFuck being so fucking stubborn and being the stupid fuck he is:
CF-Leadoff hitter who is a free agent and can play this position
SS-Cedeno
1B-Lee
3B-Ramirez
LF-Nomar
2B-Walker
RF-Murton
C-Barrett
Shove your lefty/righty and platooning shit right up your candyass Dusty!
Is this lineup that hard to make out? I can’t believe Dusty will be coaching this team for another 4 years or something. He is the second coming of Dave Wannstedt. Always gets the good job and good money and doesn’t do a fucking thing for it.
FDF=Fuck Dusty Forever
Baker Basher
Baker Basher just sucked all of me out of this forum.
Me too!
But I’m still here, mang!
Can’t spell ‘funny’ without ‘fun’, and Baker Basher is funnier than fuck. I mean, I thought sensationalism was the sensation of Desipio?
Bullshit. That semi-literate tool is not funnier than me. No way.
Lighten up, fuck.
His illiterate prose is part of his prize. And sorry if I started a chain of obsessive foul language!
So, Michael Rappaort is the 21st Century James Cann?
Rappaort and Cann. Consider it plagarized.
Jay, when you start writing entertainment news is the day Roger Ebert finally just sits down and eats you with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
I am intrigued by the people who think keeping Nomar next year and playing him in left is a good idea. There are three major problems with this:
1) Nomar’s range would make Alou look like Willie Mays.
2) Nomar can’t throw. His mechanics are horrendous and he doesn’t have that strong of an arm to begin with. Can you see him throwing out anyone at the plate with that jumping, side-arm slinging motion? Didn’t think so.
3) This one is obvious: he hasn’t made it through a season in recent memory without a serious injury. So we would need another left fielder anyway – unless Neifi! is going to back him up in LF also.
Keeping him to play 2B and getting a free agent SS makes more sense, but, not much more.
I actually watched most of the Rapaport show, because I had just gotten home and and to make food before Family Guy Time. Pretty bad stuff.
My favorite Rapaport moment, better than any of his movies, was a “Jon Stewart Show” advert from Jon’s time at MTV. Stewart was pressing Rapaport, straight-faced, about what his impetus behind leaving the Beastie Boys was. Was he forced out? Was it an amicable parting. Hilarious. I’ve been looking for it online (even a mention of it) for years.
“Yo, Jon, fo’ real, I wasn’t in da muthaf!c%in’ Beastie Boys, yo!”
And Family Guy, while the Spanish “giggidties” were funny, wasn’t much. And I’m one of the few who thought the new episodes were better than the ones from a few years back.
Simpsons writers think that they’ve created every sitcom issue under the sun, so bringing in James Woods as a guest star on Family Guy was as big of a “screw you” to Groening’s Co. as I can think of.
Did you guys enjoy my fluke year? Yeah, you knew I wasn’t that good. Time to go back to being average…suckers.
I would like to thank you Derrek, for the batting title that is. You may be a better fielder, but you suck at everything else compared to me. LOSER.
Returning to old news about the Bears, they accomplished something (again) that isn’t easy to do in the NFL – win the turnover battle but lose the game. They managed this feat several times last year as well. Generally the team with the fewest turnovers wins 80-plus % of the time, so you’ve got to be really, really extra crappy to keep pulling that off…which I think pretty much sums up this Bears’ offense.