Back on whatever day it was that Cubs’ tickets went on sale, I fought through the Internet labyrinth and bought tickets to several games. I was particularly happy with the tickets I got for one game in particular. Lovely upper deck box seats for a September showdown between the Cubs and their monotoothed idiot cousins from St. Louis. Oh, it was going to be great.
You just knew that the Cubs and Cardinals would be in the thick of a tight pennant race and that Friday, September 16 was going to be a big day. It was going to be great!
Now? Not so friggin’ much. There’s a good chance that the Cardinals will be trying to clinch the NL Central tomorrow in my presence. Unless they win tonight and the Astros lose to the Marlins, the game will have some sort of postseason implications for only one team.
There are of course a whole host of options:
1) The Cubs could sack it up and win not only tonight behind Mark Prior, but tomorrow behind the man who leases the Cards with an option to buy, Glendon Rusch. Sure, like that’s going to happen.
2) I could sell my tickets. I can’t do this for several reasons. First, who’s going to buy them? A Cardinals’ fan, that’s who. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to be responsible for letting two more of them into the park. They’re going to be overrunning the place anyway, they won’t be doing it in my seat.
3) I could just not go. I could “vote with my feet” so to speak. I don’t go and that means several beers don’t get sold that would if I’d gone, a couple hot dogs, maybe one of those hilarious “boxing Cubs” doll things and those beads! Oh, how can you resist the beads!
Was any of that out loud?
Screw it, I was dumb enough to spend $76 on those tickets back in February or March or whenever the hell I was dumb enough to buy them.
Besides, I already made plans that cannot be broken. One of our intrepid readers, Kevin Kaduk, has spent the summer living in the Wrigley area, going to games, chasing Lincoln Park trixies around town and going to Cubs’ games. He’s doing “research” for a book he’s being paid to write about living in Wrigleyville. I’m meeting up with him before the game for a big interview so that I can be in the book. I figure the Cubs’ abysmal season has already taken a hose to his plans to write a bestseller, how can I pile on by blowing him off and denying him the chance to put a couple of my hackneyed thoughts into print that people are actually expected to pay for? I can’t.
So, I soldier on.
Besides, you know how WGN loves to get shots of celebrities at the games? They’re going to have a field day on Friday. You know who’s going to be sitting in the seat next to me?
Spanish-yes.com heartthrob Kelly Dwyer, that’s who. I know girls, try to contain yourselves.
Wait, does that mean I’m responsible for bringing in an extra Cardinals fan? Oh, I deserve to be flogged for this.
But I’m bigger than him, so I can keep his Card fan boy crap to a minimum. I think.
Here’s what I’d do if I were the Cubs. If the Cubs win tonight they should run out on the field after the game like they won the pennant. Start jumping up and down, have the PA play the theme from 2001 or whatever gay thing they played in 2003 and go nuts.
Then if they win again tomorrow, do the same thing. Only this time, start spraying each other with champagne. Sure it’s dumb. Sure it’s immature. Sure it’s childish. But you’d have to admit it’d be funny.
Remember when we complained that Major League Baseball didn’t schedule any late season games between the Cubs and Cardinals last year? Well, we’ve got them now.
Whoop de damn do.
The good news. I finally get a chance to unfurl this banner I’ve been saving since the Cardinals started to bury the division back in…well, May.
Also, the Hank White Fan Club has issued a statement regarding the allegations that Hank had Cincinnati Reds’ pitcher Matt Belisle hit Michael Barrett in the head last night in an effort to get more playing time for our hero.
Hank’s alibi is iron clad. Really.
Is farking hilarious. Good stuff.
What happend last night? I remember even less than I usually do.
Forget that banner. Just march up and down Clark Street with a giant-sized, 12 foot blowup picture of our pal, The Cardinal Moran. It’s literally a case of a picture speaks a thousand words.
The Moran picture literally speaks 7 words, moran.
Hello, you see me out here? I want to come home. Really I do. What? Where are you going? Don’t strand me. Please. Please.
Hey, at least you’re not the moran who has two tickets in the Chad Krueter-Memorial Section for the big Sept. 27 7:05 game with the Pirates. I bet I’ll have takers line up to buy these off of me.
My dad’s birthday present of the 9/23 game against Houston looked like I was going to have the “2005 Favorite Son Award” locked up back in February. Now it looks like I’ll lose out to my brother’s Craftsman 8-pc. Screwdriver Set. Damn!
Who knew Dolan was a cueball? Andy, if you’d ditch the fey yellow poet shirt, you could pass for a young Telly Savalis. It’s nice to see you got your younger brother and Matt Murton’s younger brother to hold up the middle. Kudos for getting Old Man Dolan out for the ladies to get a gander at his chest. ~Swank.
Now is the chance to shove Kelly over the railing a la the fat chick in Naked Gun. With luck, there will be no Reggie Jackson in the grandstand to break his fall, and the world will be rid of one more Cardinal fan.
It’s time to take one for the team, Andy.
No, no no. That’s me at the back of the contraption (don’t you love this 400 pound thing they built for the banner) with the brown tie. I look hot.
Ain’t our fault we all sucks it’s the fans and medias and announcers’ faults. nickname me!
i’m not good enough?
Is there a reason I haven’t been playing the last couple of games? I don’t get it.
Did I miss something?
Hey mang, I have something stuck in my throat. It hurt.
does anybody here know the name of the baseball player that charged the japanese pitcher and the pitcher ran away from him?
Google says I did that in the late 1970s. But I don’t remember it.
No disrespect to anyone, but I think you mean “oriental” pitcher. No disrespect.
aw bill, Correct term be chinaman.
I was the cat that half charged that Jap southpaw. You might remember me as a former orioles and expos 3rd baseman. I have the weirdest friggin stance too.
Murton hitless last night. We all know his success is based on Dusty’s match up magic, so who is to blame here? Perhaps Satan?
76 bucks?
Crap, I’m going to have to bake a cake for you, aren’t I?
Maybe I’ll call my Dad up and have him make you some of his “special” brownies.
Are they made with meth?
Nup.
Collie pheromones.
Would Prior really be down 3-0 right now if this game meant something? I don’t think so. Please god make this season end.
At least I’ll have lived long enough to see a bigger choke job than the 64 Phillies.
Andy,
good stuff as always
You’ve really gotten a lot of mileage out of that Hank White photo where he’s napping
Napping? Hank is hitting.
The only conceiveable way Hank White could be better, if his last name was Paniagua
(bread-n-water).
Brave.
Who agrees that the Cubs should be managed by George Carlin next year?
After pitching against teams like Houston and Milwaukee, it’s hard to get up for these games with the bottom-dwellers.
The Cubs win one. Whoopee! They have to go 8 and 6 the rest of the way just to finish at .500. I’d like to believe that they could do that, but they don’t have any games left with San Francisco.
Actually, more games with fag louis would be ideal…considering we’ve handed tham their asses this season.
Due to lack of me…offensive numbers are down this year. Pitchers who have stunk their whole careers are all of a sudden good…hmmm…
Hey Cubs, thanks for the place to party. You’ll clean up after us, right?
Go Bears!
PPE, is that you?
you homo.
Packers and cardinals fans are the lowest form of me!
My head hurts.