Pitching matchup:
Boston: Matt Clement, 13-6, 4.57 ERA
White Sox: Nardi Jose Contreras, 15-7, 3.61 ERA
Lineups
Red Sox (95-67)
Jesus, cf
Edgar Rentererror, ss
Big Papi, dh
The Man Ram (ouch), lf
Trot, rf
‘Tek, c
Complete Assbag, 1b
Ferris Mueller, 3b
Tony G., 2b
White Sox (99-53)
Sorey Podgroinedek, lf
Todd Iguchi, 2b
Jermaine Dye, rf (batting third, are you shitting me?)
The Slumpbuster, 1b
Jurassic Carl, dh
Aaron “Oops, it’s over my head again” Rowand, cf
AJ Eyechart, c
Joe “My lucky run ended with September” Crede, 3b
Jose Gonzalez Uribe, ss (Wait every Uribe didn’t change his name from Gonzalez, right?)
I just wanted to extend a hearty welcome back to the Land of Lincoln to our favorite Abe Lincoln lookalike!
How does your arm feel Jose?
Contreras: Like Jello.
AJ: mmmm, Jello.
I wonder if Ozzie needs a baserunning coach?
People should be willing to bet me that the girl in that photo got a bunch of free drinks from AJ Eyechart, and then wandered away. I believe one of the captions in that set was “No A.J., I will not go home with you”.
Link to whole set, please….
Shitting aside, .274 and 31 HRs isn’t too shabby.
30 seconds into the telecast and I’m doing the ‘hows the visability’ discussion. Going to be a long game
When the options are Chris Berman and Ed Farmer, which do you choose?
Is death an option?
I’m your best choice 9.
Is it me or is that a pic of Clement throwing a slider to the first baseman?
who am I?
#13
Ownage.
Ownage. Time for little Matty “ex cub” Clement to poop himself. Just give us the trophy now, please. There is no point in playing out the rest of the playoffs. We can’t be touched.
Matt in October 2003. He lost.
The White Sox are playing today? Who cares, were gonna rip the Browns a new Brown eye!
Can you see the fear in our eyes? We look like we know we are gonna get steamrolled.
“Poop”.
That guy in the booth sounds gay.
Did I say something wrong?
That’s not fear you smell. It’s bum piss and Colt 45 beer in the south side!
Actually, it smells like a world championship.
“Poop”.
The White Sox have apparently relocated the lucky horseshoe they had up their ass the first four months of the season.
If a championship smells like a crack whores snatch then I want no part of it.
I’m still bad.
Clement appears to be a bit nervous.
Terry Francona: Matt, get dressed you’re pitching.
Matt Clement: No I’m not skip I’m playing tennis.
Terry Francona: You’re pitching and you’re going to like it.
Matt Clement: What about my asthma?
Terry Francona: I’ll give you asthma.
I don’t think its nervousness. Chin beard just stinks.
I am gonna have to be changed at the end of the inning.
Now thats how you play small ball.
How am I playing 1B for Sox and announcing at the same time?
You know, dude, Matty takes a long time to loosen up….
I am what has happened to Matt Clement’s control.
Most overused en vogue pitching term ever.
If the World Series were held in April, Matt Clement would be Whitey Ford. Instead he’s Whitey from Leave it to Beaver.
Remember how some of us were angry that we lost Weiner Clement? Not here at Desipio though, we knew better.
Which of us is the Assbag?
Oh wait – Harrelson isn’t announcing today is he?
How about some love for not re-signing Clement?
If this inning ends 1-0 we lose. 2-0 is probably even money we lose.
If no love, how about at least some doughnuts?
At least Clement won’t aggravate his asthma running the bases today.
Yeah, Cub Fans, we made you forget all about Clement, didn’t we?
The choice the Cubs made was Glendon Rusch over Matt Clement.
Sad to say that even with Clement starting the playoff opener, the Cubs were still right.
I am such a pussy.
You weren’t exactly being selective Jim, you didn’t sign anybody.
I’m over.
Now that’s good baseball. First and third, two outs and AJ bunting. Just genius, really.
Fuck you cubs fans
I am terrible.
Hello, Bullpen?
I am so clutch in the big games.
Goes 4 games. Sox win it, lose in six to Anaheim.
Hey White Sox fans. Since when are you able to pay for playoff tickets with a link card?
Just shows how much Berman knows about visibility. I only obsessed over it when the pitcher was in the sun and the hitter wasn’t. What a maroon.
Remember AJ, even I homered in the first inning of Game 1 of the playoffs once.
Game 3 is going to be tons of fun!
This has officially become a bad day
Is that Brad Penny on the mound?
Jello shots anyone?
We don’t need to re-sign Pedro. This Clement kid, now he’s got something. He’s coming into his prime, and he’s gonna be real special.
Don’t worry Matt, I’ll take care of you. Rally Baron!
If the Sox go to the Series, I am going to light myself on fire in the middle of Lake Shore Drive. Seriously.
Oops, I crapped my pants!
Brutal. Opening. Day. Of. Playoffs.
Can I stay here when the team goes back to Boston? I’m scared.
I’m a pussy.
If I’m Terry Francona (and since I don’t like to wear sweatshirts when it’s 98 degrees I’m glad I’m not), Clement goes six innings even if he gives up 100 runs today. You can’t afford to blow out your bullpen with fat David Wells going tomorrow. Wells hurts his back and you are screwed tomorrow and from here out.
Sorry asthma boy. You’d better start getting outs or you’re going to end up like a one man Oakland Raiders in the ’91 AFC title game.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_AFC_Championship_Game_winners
Anybody in the pen?
Well, at least Mariotti will have to eat crow on two scores–Matty and the Sox going down without a fight.
Matty, do I need to come over and jack you up, dude?
Technically, I am who the Cubs got in exchange for Matt Clement.
Yeah, I don’t know who I am either. But odds are, if I were pitching in his place, I wouldn’t be sucking this badly right now.
Daddy, you smell like me after strained peas. Is evweeting OK?
My career ERA against Boston is 12. I’m gonna need more runs.
Wow, 2 blowouts on the first day, looks like it’s gonna be a fun postseason.
Will someone please smash my jaw against a curve American History X style?
Remember, I was the last White Sox pitcher to be credited with a postseason win at home. After I did that, the White Sox lost 4 of their next 5, 7 of their next 9 and 14 of their last 18 in the postseason.
So yes, since Warren G Harding’s Administration, we’ve won 5 postseason games, or 1 fewer than the supposedly less-worthy Cubs have managed since 2003.
“K-Zone says that strike three was really a ball, Joe.”
K-Zone can kiss my black ass. Did K-Zone ever get anybody out? I think not.
Curb.
Whatever.
There is a tape of a kid curbing another kid. It’s real, and very disturbing.
We won game one in Baltimore and that propelled us on to our World Championship that year.
Wait, we didn’t win it that year?
I’m frigging huge today, and Clement still can’t get calls. That is wild and bad he is.
The home plate umpire’s strike zone is huge and Clement couldn’t hit that?
Yikes.
My bad big #80
Fuck swinging.
I can think of few movie scenes more disturbing than that
My clone is apparently commenting today.
Mike Piazza:
“He (Meaning Pierzynski) tried to get like a pillow”
Remember, Mike does know about this.
We write all sorts of smarmy, flowing, poetic odes to the Red Sox before the game starts, only to turn into the smelly, foul-mouthed dregs we really are once the shit hits the fan. Wheeeee!
I have some really cool curve feelers on my Pinto. Mang.
We’re winning! We’re winning! I love the Sox! Wow, I haven’t been this excited in months!
THUMP
Eddy Curry’s mother
He signed that contract yesterday, right?
Where can I view such a film Mr. 81?
#87, I can think of two that rank close. Strangely both involve Hillary Swank.
Last time the White Sox won a playoff game at home …
We always come back wicked hahd! We been winning these big games for a long time now! Since the third week of October last year!
Last time the Sox won a series.
And I don’t mean Series, I mean series.
I didn’t see the Boxing movie.
Both from the same?
Last time anyone’s ever given a shit about the Sox.
That’s right. It’s just us cocky Cubs fans shoving all of our playoff successes in the face of the Sox. This should literally take seconds.
Here I am.
#87, actually one from “Boys Don’t Cry”, one from “Million Dollar Baby.”
I am an asshole.
Ouch. I hurt my knee giving that interview.
Matt Clement’s first Inning
What I said, “I hope the guys win, it’d be great for Chicago.”
What I meant, “Fuck them. If I’m not playing, I hope they get their asses beat. And the fans? They can kiss my ample black ass. And somebody, please by my $11 million house!”
I am so scared, I’m literally shaking and pooping at the same time.
By or buy.
I’m buy curious, just like Tobias Funke.
Somebody get the groundskeeper, we need kitty litter on the mound.
No, it’s not raining. But there is shit all over the place out here. It looks like the bottom of a monkey cage in Brookfield.
So far, I’ve referenced “acting like a pillow”, “looking for the cookie”, and I’ve noted on Thomas “Look how big he is!”
Coming soon, on the Bravo Channel–“Big Mike’s Gay Wedding”
Hey, I’m running again! Whoo! Oh damn, I just gave a guy who can’t get anybody out, an easy out.
I’ve been thrown out more than I’ve been safe on the SBs since August 1. I stink. 9 out of 23??
That’s been alot of poop today Matty!
What Jose said, “It is an honor to pitch against a guy with even less balls than me.”
What Ozzie Jr. said he said, “Winning is fung man!”
I feel great now. Let’s start the game!
My dad’s nickname is “Clemm” and he works at the K-Mart in Butler, PA.
I just signed a one week contract with the Red Sox.
So did Dave Stewart.
It’s no fung to be a manager in Chicago, mang. Sometime, I vomit before or after games, but that’s not because I’m all nervous. It’s because I’m drunk, mang. I am a lush, and it’s fung. Drinking is fung, but once football season starts it’s no fung because Kyle Orton drinks all the Cuervo in town, mang.
Hold on Beantown, I’ll save you!
Between innings, Matt Clement goes to his “happy place.”
Hey maw, get off the dang roof!
Jack Daniels bitch! Cuervo is for Furcal!
Nonsense, Ozzie. I don’t drink Cuervo.
Hey, don’t worry. The Sox can’t “choke” if they aren’t ahead.
Then again, no visiting team playing Chicago is capable of mounting a surprise 8-run rally late in a game when the home team has their supposedly untouchable pitcher. Right?
Berman’s such a douche. He thinks AJ faked the bunt to get a grooved pitch from Clement on the homer. Clement can’t groove one right now. He can’t throw it anywhere near where he wants to.
Was that picture of Orton taken in the huddle during the Bengals game? It might explain some of his throws.
Where exactly is this looking for a cookie taking place?
I wanna drink Jack with J. Damons wife! Let me show you a real donkey punch!
I look like a blowfish.
Hah! I don’t know how to choke!
OK, well…never mind.
It’s back to 0-0.
The curb stomp can be found here: http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/164.html
thatvideosite.com has some pretty cool vids.
Up next…Matty Clements implosion on the mound.
We do know that this is the playoffs, right?
Damn, Jose Contreras is dark!
You can’t have an Ozzie post without either “fung” or “mang.” It’s just not realistic without those.
One of my buddies just called in a Ronnie Woo sighting. Must be a slow day in the world of window washing.
I’m blickity-black.
As loyal Communists, we’re backing Contreras, Ozzie and the Sox!
I have huge nostrils.
Did someone say communists? Sounds good to me.
I’m definitely looking for a cookie in that picture.
Unfortunatley, we have a bigger threat to American life within our ranks…
I ham looooking por my long los’ son. Hees name ees Matchew Clemeng.
Did I really give up 5 runs in an inning to this offense?…really?, wow, I am bad.
I hope I’m hurt.
Castro looks dead in that picture. They probably propped his dead body body up for that picture.
I really don’t remember eating this much. This is a ton of poop.
Wow, this is really the best the Red Sox could roll out to the mound?
Man Jose Contreras is dark….
Leave me in will ya?, I’ll teach you, I’m gonna give up six more runs now.
I find the spelling disappointing.
I like playing on the road, ’cause it’s a lot easier cleaning my self up in a roomier, more private clubhouse. Fenway is pretty close quarters, so was Wrigley. I remember waking Farnsworth up to have him check my uni for leftovers. Needless to say, he wasn’t much help.
Thanks for the spell check Miss Hoover!
Boy nothing beats driving around Chicagoland listening to THAT.
And did I just hear Konerko had his first postseason hit? He went oh-for in 2000? Christ, Henry Cotto and Steve Lake BOTH got hits in 1984.
Here’s hoping the Angels/Yankees series goes the minimum 3 games.
Gold Glove, bitches.
Maybe a big hit here will make me less of a douche!
I’m gonna send Matty C a box of my special Green Tea toothpicks. That’ll cheer dude up. Now if I could only get to a Whole Foods from this Chinatown opium den.
I just stepped in Matt’s poop pile.
Hi Kevin.
I think we just realized that this is a playoff game.
Chance.. that’s your name? Chance?
Stop posting the huge pictures you morans.
Yeah, skipper, I was talking to Matty’s old friend Moises, and he said…
What happened on the Asshat Millar getting out at third play?
Now that’s fundamentally sound.
Man, this Millar guy wears me everywhere! Should I be used on the 11th finger? At least wash me afterwards, dude!
Second chin should be making its appearance in about 7 weeks.
Looks like Johnny Damon is rounding into playoff form.
Trust me Cubs fans, you don’t want me. Go after Pierre, anyone other than me.
With me on the mound, my team has no chance, I could be one of the all time biggest pussies.
Nobody said we wanted you here you fake ass lumberjack!
Um, 172, you might want to check me, and not just at this site.
I am so clutch! Sox fans love me! I only get hits when it counts!
“You gotta admire the toughness of Matt Clement”. Yeah, good one.
Man, I’m gonna be wet tonight.
I am a fucking joke.
For God’s sake. What do I have to do to get taken out OF THIS FUCKING GAME?!?!! Maybe I’ll attack the first base coach. Yeah, that’ll do it.
Man, what a beating. Stop the fight!
Even for Clement that’s a pathetic showing.
How can the Sox have the most clutch player in the game (Papi) and the least? What are the odds?
Because Theo Epstien is a freakin’ genius.
We don’t really resemble a playoff team at all.
Thanks for keeping us in this Matt. Way to be an ace.
I wonder what happened to this Red Sox team?
Wait…what time was batting practice again?
OK guys. I’m ready. Let me at ’em!
We’re fucking scum. We cut pensions, screw our workers, but we’ll happily arm a bunch of South Side meth-addled Sox Fans with Thundersticks tomorrow.
I’ll even this bitch up when I pitch Friday.
“This place is packed.”
I have been Sox announcer for 17 years, and I sounded as if I have never seen more than 13 spectators here.
Poor Matt. Seriously. Am I the only one who feels even a little sorry for him?
Listening to me growing would be more exciting than the White Sox broadcasters.
Come on, No. 191! Let me tell you another exciting story about a Brother Rice-St. Rita Freshman B game I played in when I was in high school…
No 190, screw my pansy ass, I don’t even care. I have a long track record of letting my teammates down. I suck, I’m a weiner, and I always will be.
I throw like a freak because it’s the only way I can get guys out. At least that’s what Billy Beane told me. He beat me, too.
Remember me, Cubs fans? My arm’s made out of used Goodyear tires now!
I recognize that face….
[img]http://espn-i.starwave.com/media/apphoto/CXS10510042102.jpg[/img]
196, were you trying to draw Homer Simpson’s face with keyboard symbols? I love that one.
CLUTCH!
Fuck! Shoulda gone with Michelin!
Will any of us be good?
Here, 196:
~(_8^(|)
We are beginning to smell the World Series. Seriously, we are so locked in, from top to bottom, pitching to hitting, coaching to defense…we just might sweep the entire playoffs. We are that good.
Hey we scored 19 against them last year.
Game 3 of the ALCS
How did that turn out?
My teammates kicked the shit out of me after I gave up the granny… and now I can’t pitch anymore this season.
Yeah 203, you didn’t have our pitching, our fans, our are penchant for clutch hits. The Win or Die Trying Sox will go down as one of the greats. Just watch.
The best ever? Time will tell.
Unstoppable? You bet.
October 2, 1984:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E
– – – – – – – – – – – –
San Diego Padres 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 6 1
Chicago Cubs 2 0 3 0 6 2 0 0 X 13 16 0
We all know how that series ended up…
Yeah, well we ain’t losers like they were. Quit comparing us, that’s like comparing filet mignon to a ballpark hotdog. We are the best Chicago team since the Go Go Sox, who are one of the all time greats.
How many championships did we win?
One less than we will.
So let’s recap, you guys decided to root for the Cubs, Indians, A’s, and Phillies this year? That’s an 0-fer! Maybe you guys need a slumpbuster? Perhaps the problem isn’t the Cubs, but rather it’s you guys. Shouldn’t you just consider taking one for the team that you all love so much and committing ritual suicide? I mean, the A’s were the hottest July team, then you showed up. The Indians were the hottest August team, then you showed up. The Phillies replaced the loss of Jim Thome with Ryan Howard, and then you showed up. I enjoy reading the site, but I’d probably learn to live without it if you all up and died. You don’t really want to have to buy overpriced bleacher seats anymore anyway, do you? Just something to think about.
How about we all start rooting for the sox and their fans not to die, and that way, maybe you all will. Think about it, less money spent on welfare, less people in prison, and less meth on the street. Like anyone would miss a couple of fat, sweaty, mullet headed, uneducated pieces of white trash, anyway.
At least the gay bars in Bucktown would still be full.
You Cub fans think I’m bad….Ever listen to that crap on radio you have? Or on TV for that matter too?
None of those four could hold my jock….
Oh, and I look great in pink.
It seems Sox fans are not only genetic mishaps, they’re severely geographically retarded.
Hey Wayne,
I picked the White Sox in the playoff preview, just for you buddy. Thought I’d let my luck rub off on you. Not that you haven’t had Ed Farmer rub off on you, first.