From the highs of hearing Heidi admit she’s retarded to the lows of watching Quisty wretch and convulse like Elaine Benes on the dance floor, last night’s Survivor had it all. Oh, and one evil person got the boot.

The 25th day of Survivor: The Amazon began with Rob chatting with his puppet friend, Matthew, “There are some women around here who aren’t satisfied with the leadership of Deena.”

Rob then tells the camera, “I like to give Matt a wild goose chase every day.”

Matt: “You’re the person I most trust in this tribe.”

Poor, poor, dumb Matt.

Matt goes to talk to Butch and try and get him to join an imaginary alliance. Matt is telling Butch that it’s a chain, “We don’t talk about anything, I initiate all communication.”

Butch to camera “It’s a chain, I guess.”

Rob: “Matt is who the group would like to vote out next, because he’s mentally unstable and he’s going to kill one of us.”

The tree mail arrives for the reward challenge and it’s a target and bow and arrow.

Rob asks Deena: “You know who’s going to win?”
Deena: “Alex.”
Rob: “Matt.”
Deena: “Of course.”

Rob: “Matthew’s going to orgasm when he sees the bow and arrow. Coming into this game, the only spears I knew about were Britney, broccoli and asparagus.”

Heidi then says two unfortunate things while trying the blow gun; “Harder!” and “Do I Have to get my whole mouth around it?”

Rob is enjoying the fact that Matt came to him and said he wasn’t going to try that hard because he didn’t want people to see him as a physical threat. Rob said, “Man, you are finally getting this game.”

However, Matthew gets a bulls-eye in both of the first two challenges. Rob says, “This guy is a nincompoop.”

Alex ends up winning the contest, and his prize is an afternoon at a makeshift coffee bar. He gets to pick one person and picks the lovely Jenna. Atta boy, Alex.

Jenna: “I really, really like Alex and I like to eat. Alex and I were like bottomless pits.”

Huh?

Back at camp, Deena is going psycho again. This woman must be stopped. Now she thinks Alex has shown himself to be a physical threat because he won the reward challenge. Oh, shut up Deena. The guy is a “triathlon coach” whatever that is. That made him a physical threat to begin with.

Alex and Jenna are enjoying their coffee. “You and Heidi and Rob are so much fun,” Alex says fondly.
Jenna: “We’re like the bonding crew.”

Huh?

Then they snark on Deena. “She’s very strict,” Alex says. “She seems to be like she’s always thinking of another angle.”

Back at camp, Deena is thinking of another angle. Now she thinks they need to get rid of Alex.

Rob doesn’t think that anybody knows about the alliance he has with Deena.

It is decided that if Matt wins immunity that Alex will go.

Heidi (looking completely retarded) “This is getting interesting.”

Jenna “That’s a lot of coffee in a short amount of time. So we were buzzing.”

Alex and Jenna smuggled back some cookies. That’s nice of them. Is that the first time that anybody’s smuggled back anything from a reward challenge on this show? I think it is. Man, talk about your slow learners.

Butch: “Matt and I are trying to catch fish. The first day we caught 12, then six, then three, the other day we caught one and it go so damn hot we had to quit.”

Butch catches one and then cuts his finger on a dead Pirahna. Oops!

Short bus Heidi agreed to keep the voting off of Alex plan quiet. So, as soon as Jenna gets back, Heidi tells her that they’re going to vote off Alex.

Jenna tells Alex.

Alex grabs Rob and Rob caves. Alex wants Deena gone after Matt.

Rob: “Now it’s Deena v. Alex and both think they’re calling the shots in this game.”

Time to buck up and do something, Rob. You nincompoop. We can’t lose Rob. He’s the best thing about this show right now.

Then, we see a spider crawling through camp. And Heidi is about to have a sound byte moment.

Heidi “I feel so retarded right now because of a spider bite.” Her knee is swelling up like a balloon. “I can’t even touch it without extreme pain.”

Jenna: “Your knee is so hot.”

I don’t think Jenna meant it the way we all read that last sentence.

Rob: “Her knee has swollen to the size of one of her breasts. So it’s very hard for her to walk.”

Probably hard on Rob, too.

Deena is mugging for the camera: “The plan has been Matt first. But we’ve agreed that if Matt wins, Alex must go. Period. End of statement.” Yeah, whatever, Deena. You’re no Dick Hatch.

Jenna’s excited about the food nature of the reward challenge. Has Jenna never seen this show before? Food nature is right.

Jeff “Anal” Probst: “You want food? You’re getting it.”
Jenna; “All of us?”
Butch: “There’s a catch, guys.”

OK, so apparently Butch has seen the show before.

First up, is an Amazonian grasshopper. Anal claims he’s eaten one.

Quisty is gagging on the grasshopper. And I mean gagging make it stop. Jenna decides she’s seen enough retching and she quits.

Anal: “You’re that confident?”
Jenna: “No, I can’t eat it.”

Quisty is now actually convulsing. Yikes.

It’s down to Quisty or Heidi. Whoever gags it down first gets to keep going. Please don’t be Quisty. We can’t take much more of this. Alex seems to agree he yells, “Swallow it, Heidi!” Make your own joke here.

Quisty “wins.” Boo!

Next up are something called cocoanut worms. Everybody scarfs them down like they’re Mounds bars. But Butch and Rob out. Apparently they’re not bad because Rob, even though’s he out, eats the rest of his anyway.

The third round consists of five beetles. I named them John, Paul, George, Ringo and Pete. If there were six, it would of course been Leon.

If you got that joke, pat yourself on the back.

“She loves you…man”
“She loves you…man”
“She loves you, yah, yah, yah…man”

Quisty is quonvulsing again. I can’t take any more of this. Alex is out and Quisty finally starts barfing. How nice.

The final is Matt v. Deena, and the “food” is a live, big-toothed, crawling 100 legged grub. Matt shows some strategy and holds it up and lets it wiggle and goes all Fear Factor on Deena as he says, “Man, it’s got BIG teeth!”

Deena lets Matthew win, she doesn’t even try. But he just swallows it whole. Then pretends like it’s still wiggling in his chest.

Rob: “This guy is crazy.”

So, with Matthew protected by immunity, the loser at Tribal Council is going to be Alex or Deena.

Deena deserves to lose. Just like every player who acts like they’ve got it all figured out deserves to lose. She’s going to regret not going for immunity. What a jagoff.

Deena: “Alex needed to win to save his hiney. If everybody’s still with me, why try?”

Deena asks Jenna if she’s still in on the plan to take down Alex. Jenna says she is. Deena sings, “Bye, bye Alex.”

I think Jenna’s lying, and it’s confirmed when Jenna tells the camera, “She stabbed us in the back. I can’t forgive that.”

Rob is trying to play both groups. “Deena and Alex both think they have the exact same people voting for them. It’s like we’re in the mob and there’s going to be a hit on one of my friends and I have to look the other way. The person who gets the hit tonight, is going to be the one who least expects it.”

We go to the Tribal Council and Anal brings in the jury which consists only of a still-unshaven Dave.

Anal asks Heidi about her knee. “It’s getting better. My strongest assets are athletic ability and intelligence. Hello, one of those is gone.”

Anal: “Which one?” Good one, Anal.

Deena: “Game is on. There’s a struggle to see who has power. It’s no longer about survival in the Amazon, it’s now about survival in the game.”

Alex: “You can’t help but get paranoid. You question if ethics enter into the game at all.”

Matt says he didn’t think immunity was absolutely essential. Man, he has no idea. However, when offered the chance to give it to someone, he keeps it. He’s not dumb, just naive.

Alex: “I’d love to have that necklace.”

But I’ll bet he’d rather have the Immunity Calvin!

Deena: “If I get voted out, it’s because of that bug. That’s what separates Matt and I. Swallowing one, big, fat, ugly…grub.” Whew, I’m glad she said grub. Oh, and Deena it’s “Matt and me.”

We see some of the votes as they are cast:
Quisty votes fo’ Awex.
Jenna for Deena.
Deena for Alex.

When Anal reads them, it’s five for Deena, two for Alex. Two get left in the hopper. And I think we all need a trip to the hopper after seeing Quisty in this episode.

Deena is gone. Goodbye you evil wench. Go party with Roger.

Deena’s final words include: “They saw me as a threat. Things happen. I got nixed. But remember, you have to live with the decisions the rest of your life.”

Oh, shut up.

—–

A few of you (in e-mails and on the Discussion boards) have asked why I didn’t break down the Real World: Vegas reunion show.

Because we already knew the good stuff. Actually, we knew more that they told us.

We know that Arissa is trying to be a model and still lives in Vegas.
We know that Steven and Amish Frank live together in Los Angeles.
We know that Trishelle lives in LA, too, and was too embarassed to come on the show, because not only did she realize what a ho-bag she was on national TV, but then she screwed some guy on a Real World/Road Rules Challenge episode.
We know that Alton and Irulan live together.
We know that Brynn is engaged to Austin, and thanks to Jake we know that she’s preggers. Yikes.

So the show, pretty much, sucked.

Though, I did enjoy Steven’s story about being attacked by the possum.

—-

Honestly, I don’t know what is a more clear sign of surrender, when you let the other country tear down a statue of your leader, or you let Shawn Estes start a game.

Estes couldn’t even hide behind the old standby that there were three errors in the Expos four-run first inning because he committed two of the errors himself. Oh, somebody shoot me.

The Sox have now won five of six and they head to Detroit for a three game series. Oh for chrissakes, when do they play a major league team?

Dusty says that Snawn Estes has trouble in the early innings. That’s because he’s gone by the time the late innings roll around.

I have May 28 in the Angel Guzman call up from the minor’s pool. It might be too late of a date.

Not a good sign for Mark Bellhorn when the Tribune is publishing Dave Kelton’s AAA batting average after nine big league games.

John Paxson might be the only guy who gets interviewed for the Bulls’ GM job. Pretty good odds, then, huh?

The Sox were tough against AAA Cleveland.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to prove, again, that he doesn’t get it. In the NBA there’s no such thing as being a cheap owner. Even if Reinsdorf wanted to, he can’t give Kevin Garnett $300 million. In fact, thanks to the salary cap, the Bulls can never have Tyson, Eddy, Jamal and Jay on the team at the same time with maximum contracts, much less take on KG, too. With the money you’ll have to play three of these four, there won’t be a need to wine and dine big-time free agents. The core is here, but where Paxson’s real job will be, is in surrounding it with veterans who can play. But that concept is just too tough for Jay, who has to fit in his column writing around his ridiculous Around the Horn tapings and stuffing his gullet full of Krispy Kremes.

This just in: Dave Veres sucks. Hey, don’t look at me, I told you that months ago.

The Bulls might send Jalen Rose to watch the Draft Lottery. You know what will happen. It’ll be down to Cleveland and the Bulls for the first pick and Jalen will hold the ping pong ball until the last second and then fire it into the crowd. And Bill Cartwright will say he drew it up that way.

Moron Steve Alford and Pierre Pierce.

The Wizard of Roz wonders if the Paxson-BJ mix won’t be bad for Paxson in the long run. Why does everybody think BJ is such a brilliant young executive? Paxson went to Notre Dame. He’s obviously intelligent and makes good decisions. BJ went to Iowa. He’s obviously undereducated and has a fondness for barnyard animals.

Take this for what it’s worth, it’s a message board post. But even if it’s pure fiction (and it might be) it’s pretty interesting reading on the Matt Doherty situation at UNC.

Carolina’s going to wait on Roy. If I was Roy, I’d make them wait until October 14.

Charley Rosen writes an interesting one on NBA Eastern Conference coaches. He gives them all letter grades and while he’s way too easy on Bill Cartwright (C) — what would Bill have gotten if he’d won, say FIVE road games?– he has something interesting to say about the Miami Heat. It involves sex and a women’s prison. Nicely done, Charley. And ESPN is afraid I’m too irreverent?

Marty Burns’ mullet hands out his NBA year end awards on spanish-yes.com. He gives the most improved award to Troy Murphy, and while we love the Murph, you really have to give it to Eddy Curry. Nobody else comes close. And if the rub is that you have to improve from one year to the next and not from one half of the year to the other—well, that’s just stupid.

Intrepid reader Melissa Meloro sent in this link about our pal, the Iraqi Information Minister. The best part, the funniest quotes are the ones he actually said.

Oh, yay! David Schwimmer just signed a development deal with NBC. I have until May of 2004 to figure out a way to disable channel five on my TV.

NBC is also trying to get a deal to make the Jessica Lynch Story finalized. If they do, can they cast Schwimmer as Jessica Lynch, and can I play the Iraqi soldier who tortures him (her)?

Check out the quote from Nancy Pelosi in the second paragraph of this article. Now she’s bitching that it cost too much to tear down the Saddam statue. I think it’s time her daughter got paid to make another Gee Dub documentary.

Wait, now it’s wrong for a cop to change a hot chick’s arrest record if she’ll give him some free lapdances? I always thought that was kind of a legal gray area?

Catherine Zeta Jones won her lawsuit claiming that a British tabloid took pictures of her at her wedding that made her look fat. I think I can safely say that every paparazzi member in the world is now relieved that Nell Carter is dead.

Let’s hope Rosie doesn’t sue for publishing pictures that make her look like a lesbian.

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