Dusty Baker says he’s going to start emphasizing not just winning games, but winning series. This Meat Loaf-esque two out of three ain’t bad strategy would give the Cubs more than 100 wins. So yeah, it’s going to happen.

Sure.

The masses are wondering when it’s time to panic in regards to Mark Bellhorn’s slow start at third base.

Slow start? He’s 3-33 (.091). That’s bad. But it’s consistently bad. He’s 2-22 (.091) as a lefthanded hitter and 1-11 (.091) as a righthanded hitter.

It’s not time to panic. That time has come and gone.

The Cubs are 7-5 after twelve games. Normally, after 12 games they’re 3-9, so this has to be considered a runaway success. They’re also a full game better than the Cardinals, and every day that the Cubs are better than the Cardinals is a day in which the sun shines brighter, and your food tastes better. It also causes Al Hrabosky’s ulcer to flare up, and we all enjoy that.

The Bulls have finished the road portion of their schedule with a brilliant 3-38 record. How bad is it? It is the equivalent of what Mark Bellhorn’s batting average will be after five more at bats.

Speaking of guys off to lousy starts, who would have thought that if you had compiled a list of early season disappointments that Fred McGriff and Todd Hundley would be on it?

After 12 games, McGriff is hitting .142 with two homers and four RBI and Hundley is tearing it up at .182 with two RBI. But really, we heard both of them complain that they’re warm weather hitters. They can’t expect to hit early in the season when they’re freezing, can they?

Uh…considering the Dodgers have played their entire schedule so far in Phoenix, San Diego, LA, and San Francisco, it’s kind of hard to sympathize.

Mark Grudzielanek has cooled off so much for the Cubs that it’s almost to the point where if you added the batting averages for McGriff and Hundley (.324) together they’d come within .018 of Gruddy (.340).

OK, fine, enough gloating. Eric Karros is hitting .142 and he makes up for his lack of hitting with a lack of speed and defense. There, I said it. But it’s nice to be able to mock the Dodgers, isn’t it?

John Corbett has a new show on FX called “Lucky” and it’s about the life of a degenerate Las Vegas gambler. It’s a comedy, for the most part, and the pilot episode was worth it, if only for the footage of his fat friend intentionally getting hit by cars as a way to scam money out of poor, unsuspecting drivers.

And, though hardly anybody watches it, I want to take a moment to acknowledge what was probably the last episode of the quirky NBC show, “Ed”. If the show is over, it went out in a blaze of glory these last three weeks. Of course, Ed ended up with Carol. How could it have ended any other way? He moved back to some crappy, little Ohio town three years ago just to get her. It wasn’t going to end with her running off with the fat kid, or him taking Molly for a roll in the backseat of his Navigator.

But the thing that made the last three shows so good was that they may have been the funniest three to date. All because the subplots featured the funniest member of the cast, Josh Randall, as Dr. Mike Burton. Two weeks ago, they took the sight gag of him growing a cheesy moustache as part of a bet with Ed to new heights. Friday night he came thisclose to banging a hot 19-year old college girl, and had this sentence uttered to him by his medical practice partner, Dr. Jerome, “Dr. Burton, could I please have a word with you? Perhaps you could pull your thumb out of your ass and join me in the exam room?” That’s quality TV.

But, in the end it came down to Ed and Carol. Officially, NBC hasn’t make up their mind about the show, and there’s a chance it could return next season, but it’s not likely, and that’s why the writers ended up rushing to an Ed-Carol conclusion. In a predictibly sappy, yet somehow suspenseful moment the show ended just the way we knew it would all along. With Molly eating a cream pie in one bite.

No, with Ed and Carol finally getting together. Do you know how hard it is to write an interesting end to a forgone conclusion? Just ask the Cubs beat writers. They’ll tell you.

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Rosey with some good stuff and his own take on the Cubs-Dodgers flea market swap.

Corey Patterson walked twice yesterday. Twice! That makes three for the season. Look out Barry Bonds…

The Cubs have pitching to burn. But what holes could this team possible fill with a trade? Let’s see (third base)…I can’t think of (third base)…anything (third base). Oh, well.

The Sox record is also 7-5, but since five of those wins have come against the AAA Tigers, they’re really 2-6. They get an extra loss for actually losing a game to Detroit.

Hector Villanueva, Jr. says he won’t sign with the Illini until Roy Williams and Bill Self turn down Carolina. So, he’ll sign on Thursday, then.

Groucho gives out his awards and he gives Most Improved to Gilbert Arenas? Gilbert Arenas? You and I could put up those numbers playing in Golden State’s run it up the court, throw up bad shots and play no defense system. Everytime Eddy Curry gets passed over for that award it’s even more ridiculous.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut for the obligatory, Dusty Baker has thin skin column.

Mike Kiley with a rumor that the Cubs and Reds have talked about trading Juan Cruz for “infielder” Adam Dunn. Infielder? Great, now we don’t even know which part of the trade to not believe.

The Bears might still take K-State d-back Terrence Newman even though he has a bad shoulder. You have to love it when your number one pick comes pre-injured.

Jayson Stark on players who dress like Nanook of the North on the field.

Jayson Stark with some more good stuff, and some funny stuff from Mike Piazza.

John Clayton on this year’s John Allred.

OK, Charles Rogers didn’t flunk his drug test…officially.

Don Banks with some pre-draft stuff. I like Kyle Boller and I’ve already explained my NCAA 2003 exploits with him on PS2, but if anybody drafts him as high as fifth overall, they’re dopes.

Time with interesting stuff about Uday Hussein including his Yahoo e-mail account udayhussein@yahoo.com (I’m not making this up.)

The Russians are fun, ain’t they? Not only were they still selling munitions to Iraq during the early days of the war, but they were spying for them, too. Nice friends.

USNews reports (a few paragraphs down) that Jeb Bush might run for president in 2008. I’m normally a guy who can’t get enough Bush, but this seems a bit excessive.

The world’s greatest newspaper has the story of Saddam Hussein’s gay porn star past.