Hi, I’m Steve Phillips. You may know me from my work with the New York Mets where I was GM when we went to the 2000 World Series. That makes me smarter than any of you. I signed Mo Vaughn to a huge contract, one so big, it nearly fit into his huge pants. You probably know me from my fake news conferences on ESPN. You know, the ones we taped one day and they ran on SportsCenter like it was real news. They even roped Buster Olney and Sal Palontonio to ask me fake questions while holding fake little notepads and wearing fake press credentials held on by real lanyards.

Right now, on ESPN Insider (just like regular ESPN only it costs money and it’s worse) I have an article where I rank the top 50 free agents and predict where they’ll sign and why. You can’t read that article unless you pay a monthly fee, but my predictions are typically lousy.

But who wouldn’t pay to read my stuff? It’s not like I nearly got fired a year before I actually did because I got caught having sex in my office in spring training with one of the cleaning ladies or anything! No. I’d never have done that. That was George Costanza. “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that?” See it was him.

We can’t publish Steve’s Analysis. But what we can do is let you know where he thinks some of the more prominent free agents will sign, and then tell you where they actually will.

Paul Konerko Steve says: Boston
We say: White Sox
Look, you’re Paul F’in Konerko. Big ladies love you. You’re a World Series hero in a town that hasn’t seen one in a century. You’re not leaving. Instead you’ll sign a huge deal to stay and all Sox fans (all 14 of them) will be happy. Then two years from now they’ll wish you’d gone someplace else.

Johnny Damon Steve says: Boston
We say: Boston
Just like Konerko, Damon’s worth what he’ll get next year and maybe even in 2007, but the end of his contract he’s just going to be a very long haired albatross.

Roger Clemens Steve says: Retirement
We say: Houston
Fat Roger wants to pitch in the baseball world cup and so if he’s going to get in shape to do that, why not get another $16 million to finish out the year in Houston?

Rafael Furcal Steve says: Cubs
We say: Cubs
The Cubs did a good job of leaking through the media just how much they want Rafael and sent Neifi and E-ramis on a full-court press to convince him that Wrigley’s the place for him. The Braves are talking to the Devil Rays about Julio Lugo now, and the Mets are preoccupied, again, by Alfonso Soriano.

Billy Wagner Steve says: Phillies
We say: Phillies
He’ll shop around and the Mets will probably push up his price, but the Phillies are trying to unload Jim Thome and/or Bobby Abreu to allow them to re-sign Wagner. With Ugy Urbina in a holding cell, Wags has all kinds of leverage.

BJ Ryan Steve says: Mets
We say: Mets
There’s no better way to waste a dominant lefty reliever than to use him in the conventional way teams use closers these days, but both Wagner and Ryan will sit in the pen and watch their teams give up eighth inning leads on bombs hit by the other team’s best lefty hitters while their managers wait for the ninth.

AJ Burnett Steve says: Blue Jays
We say: Blue Jays
You look at his injury history and just know he’ll be the first pitcher to die from SARS.

Hideki Matt Suhey Steve says: Yankees
We say: Yankees
And not just because we read that his agent and him agreed in principle to a deal with Yankees GM Brian Cashman over sushi last night.

Brian Giles Steve says: Cubs
We say: Cardinals
Giles makes a lot of sense for both teams because they have guys like Pujols, Lee, E-ramis and Rolen (OK, maybe not Rolen anymore) to drive him in. The Cubs seem preoccupied with the Juan Pierre trade and you get the feeling that Hendry has decided to trade for a rightfielder, not sign one. (Unless he does something stupid, like we predict later on.)

Trevor Hoffman Steve says: Padres
We say: Padres
It looks right now like he might bolt for the Mets or somebody else, but at the end of the day, we find it hard to believe he’ll give up the sun and that enormous ballpark.

Kyle Farnsworth Steve says: Braves
We say: Braves
Things were going along swimmingly for The Farns before the playoffs. He was pitching well, his baby’s momma could come to the games and then he crapped himself and blew a five run lead in the eighth inning of the game that ended the Braves’ season. Still, the Braves will hold their nose and bring him back. And some day. Soon. Bobby Cox will go to the mound and literally kick him in the ass.

Kevin Millwood Steve says: Indians
We say: Indians
His agent (Scott Boras) lied about a huge offer he never had when he was working a deal with the Phillies and two years later, Millwood’s still waiting for a big pay day. Even though he had a great ERA last year, he’s not going to get it. But the Indians are going to pay him more than they’d originally planned to, and that’ll be enough to keep him.

Ramon Hernandez Steve says: Mets
We say: Mets
He’s about two Twinkies away from full Molina brother status, but he can hit and Mets’ pitching coach Rick Petersen worked with him in Oakland.

Bengie Molina Steve says: Padres
We say: Padres
Speaking of the Molinas, the best one is a free agent. It’d be nice if the Cubs would sign him and trade the overrated Michael Barrett, but they won’t.

Matt Morris Steve says: Orioles
We say: Nationals
Why? Because the Nationals are going to try to sign every pitcher in the league.

Jarrod Washburn Steve says: Texas
We say: Milwaukee
That’s right, a free agent will actually pick the Brewers. And in the future, they’ll get every free agent like him. A native Wisconsonian dumb enough to want to play at home. Hey, at least Damian Miller will have somebody to hunt with.

Bob Wickman Steve says: Indians
We say: Indians
Steve’s blurb about Wickman said he has the biggest gut and heart in the game. Guts and heart never got anybody out.

Todd Jones Steve says: Florida
We say: Pissburgh
They already have Rick White and frankly, I always get the two confused.

Flash Gordon Steve says: Arizona
We say: Yankees
Wait? The Yankees only had two reliable guys in the bullpen and they’re going to let one leave? I don’t think so.

Jeff Weaver Steve says: Angels
We say: Angels
They can replace Washburn with a righty with even worse hair.

Mark Grudzielanek Steve says: Cardinals
We say: Cardinals
If Walt Jockitchity was as brilliant as people like to pretend he is (he still got hosed in that Mulder deal) he’d let Grud go, because Cubs and Dodgers fans can tell you he was lucky to get through an entire season in one piece.

Alex “Sea Bass” Gonzalez Steve says: Atlanta
We say: Pissburgh
Not the one still hiding behind the shadow of Steve Bartman, the other one. Pissburgh is finally figuring out that Jack Wilson is worth more to them in trade than in reality and will pull the trigger. Then they’ll waste money on Alex. It’s the Pissburgh way.

Nomar Garciaparra Steve says: Dodgers
We say: Dodgers
The minute he moved to third base last year it was an open audition for the Dodgers. Defensively he flunked it. Offensively, well, we knew he could hit.

Preston Wilson Steve says: Orioles
We say: Nationals
This is tricky. If Jim Bowden stays as GM, then Wilson will be back. He traded for him and will want to prove himself right. If Bowden goes, just about any other GM is smart enough to kick Preston and his bad knees to the curb.

Mike Piazza Steve says: Angels
We say: Angels
They’ll make the other Molina the starter, split Piazza’s time between DH and backup catcher and let fans kick Josh Paul in the nuts for $5.