There’s a memorable scene in Animal House when Katie and Boone are in the laundromat talking about the toga party Delta House has planned for that weekend. Katie says it’s going to be an orgy. Boone insists it won’t be an orgy (sure). Katie wants to know if Boone is still going to get drunk with his friends every weekend after he finishes college. Boone insists it won’t be that way…he’ll get drunk with his friends every night. But the line from the exchange that made me think of Jim Hendry’s construction of the Cubs’ pitching staff was this one from Katie, when she was trying to convince Boone not to go to the toga party.
“I’ll write you a note. I’ll tell them you’re too well to attend.”
That excuse might get you out of the only thing less desirable than jury duty. Pitching for the Cubs.
Consider that the Cubs’ pitching staff, from the top of the rotation to the back end of the bullpen is an assortment of mile-long hospital charts, geriatrics and lunatics. All they need to finish the scene is a fife, a drum and a tattered American flag.
Let’s examine:
Starting rotation:
Carlos Zambrano — In addition to being completely insane, Carlos is the only human ever to get tennis elbow in his forearm, and apparently it comes from all the time he spends on the Internet chatting with family and friends through his Venezuelan My Space account.
Kerry Wood — At some point the Cubs will have to make that horrible decision about whether to remove his feeding tube or not.
Mark Prior — He gets upset when people say he’s injury prone and defends himself by saying that two of his four injuries (hamstring, shoulder, Achilles, elbow) came when he either ran into a dwarfish second baseman or got nailed by a 140 MPH line drive. Uh, Mark…that’s what makes you injury prone, buddy.
Greg Maddux — The only pitcher in baseball equipped with a turkey button. When it pops up he’s done and he just walks off the mound. Nice work if you can get it.
Jerome Williams — Basically got sent to AAA Iowa last year after he was acquired in trade because he was too fat. This is an organization that saw fit to use the Reuschel brothers and Desipio favorite Jimmy Anderson, but Jerome was too fat to pitch? Yikes.
Glendon Rusch — Went 1-13 the season before he became a Cub. He should have at least pretended to have an injury to blame that on.
Wade Miller — Missed much of 2004 with a combination sore neck bad shoulder. He decided not to have surgery, signed a cheapo contract with Boston, made 16 starts, then still waited until after the season to finally have his shoulder fixed. He had the same surgery that’s all the rage now, where they sew your labrum back on. Matt Morris had it after the 2004 season and Kerry and Wade just had it this year. Kerry is hoping to have it called Kerry Wood surgery, but in order to achieve Tommy John like fame, he’ll have to…you know…get good again. Miller signed a one-year deal because he’s so sure he’s going to be great this year that he can cash in for the 2007 season and beyond. The Cubs held out for a deal with an option, but the Mariners screwed that up by offering Wade a one year deal with no option. My feeling? Wade will wish he had that option when he’s selling RV’s in El Paso next summer.
Angel Guzman — The only reason the Cubs even have him is because the Rangers thought his arm had fallen off when he was 19. He held it together long enough to have one and a half great minor league seasons for the Cubs before repeated surgeries. He’s supposed to be ready to go this spring. Just like last spring…and the spring before that.
Bobbie Brownlie — A good rule of thumb…when a supposedly top-notch, top-five draft pick drops to the end of round one it’s either because he tried to kill an on deck hitter with a fastball or because his velocity has dropped for no apparent reason. In either case, don’t draft him.
Rich Hill — His minor league numbers last year were absurd, and he does have a hellacious curve ball. But he’s older than both Prior and Zambrano, doesn’t seem to have a second pitch and is big into self-visualization and the power of positive thinking. He’s asked the Cubs to have Up With People hold hands and run around the field singing while he warms up.
Bullpen
Ryan Dempster — The first of Hendry’s Tommy John Disease reclamation projects. So far it’s worked out pretty well…except for the crippling loss to the Mets on the second to last Saturday of the 2004 season, when he set up the Victor Diaz kick to the nuts home run by walking two guys to start the ninth inning. But who says we hold grudges?
Scott Williamson — The second of Hendry’s Tommy John Disease reclamation projects. He was pretty much awful last year, but they always say that it takes two years to recover from the surgery. For our sakes “they” had better be right.
Todd Wellemeyer — You know what they say about guys with big feet? They like to throw balls. Or something. He’s got some weird scoliosis-type posture, too.
Mike Wuertz — So far he’s been healthy and relatively sane. We’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Roberto Novoa — Has that Lee Smith disease where he can’t see the catcher from the pitcher’s mound. We think Lee did it to intimidate the hitter, we think Roberto might be doing it because he’s trying to translate the catcher’s signals from English to Spanish.
Bob Howry — Left his right arm in a Bevington-Manuel-ordered heap in the US Comiskular bullpen a few years ago.
Scott Eyre — Picked the Cubs because they promised not to make him…exercise. Oh, that seems like a clear path to a healthy season.
Will Ohman — Has had more arm surgeries than Dave Dravecky.
What can go wrong?
Carrie Muskrat-Love (she’s married to Bob Love, right–or maybe Darlene) has a monthly mailbag columns he reguritates (I mean writes) for Cubs.com. This month’s was cleverly titled “Mailbag: Is Barrett better than Blanco?” The answer of course, unfortunately is either no or just barely. When you consider that our main man Hank White still has the lowest career batting average of any active player with 1,000 career at bats, that bar isn’t all that high for Michael to jump over. Anyway, here’s the question, Carrie got and her (as always) pedantic answer.
Is Michael Barrett working to improve his defense and pitcher awareness? It seems that whenever Henry Blanco catches, the Cubs pitchers’ ERA is significantly reduced. Perhaps a defensive catcher might be a better option for the Cubs.
— Mitch D., Portland, Ore.I’m not sure how you gauge “pitcher awareness.” Yes, the pitchers’ ERA with Blanco was 3.58 compared to a 4.45 ERA when Barrett was behind the plate. Consider this — pitchers working with Mike Matheny, who is ranked one of the top catchers in baseball, compiled a 4.44 ERA last season. No excuses, but if the starters were healthy in 2005, maybe Barrett’s numbers would’ve been better.
Guh. Talk about answering a question with complete nonsense. There are a number of ways Carrie could have gone to try to defend Barrett, and she didn’t go any of those ways.
First, she could have pointed out that the bulk of Blanco’s innings caught came in games started by Mark Prior, Carlos Zambrano and Greg Maddux. Barrett caught some of Carlos’ starts, a couple of Prior’s, the majority of Maddux’s and pretty much everybody else.
While we looked at it after the season and saw that Blanco’s catcher ERA was lower in Prior, Zambrano and Maddux’s starts in each case than Barrett’s were in the games he caught those three, she could have left part out of her argument and persuaded most of the dopes who read Cubs.com. Not you, the discerning Desipio.com reader, though.
The other stat that’s crap is her blindly throwing Matheny’s 4.44 catcher ERA into the mix. First off, according to STATS, Inc. it was 4.45 just like Barrett’s. However, not only did the Giants pitching staff have a team ERA higher than the Cubs (Giants: 4.33, Cubs’ 4.19) but unlike Barrett, Matheny’s catcher ERA was acutally lower than his backup’s was. Yorvit Torrealba had a cERA of 4.68.
So how do you prove that Barrett is better than Blanco by comparing his cERA to Matheny’s? Matheny’s was lower than his primary backup’s was, while Barrett’s was nearly a full run higher than his backup’s was.
Some guy named Yamid Haad started 10 games behind the plate for the Giants and he had a 2.51 cERA, so according to Carrie, he must be the best defensive catcher in baseball.
Trying to puff up Michael Barrett’s perceived value is fine with me. Trying to do it by tearing down Hank White? That’s just unacceptable, lady!
Hey Larry, I’m gonna go ahead and ship my Lazy Boy recliner over to Mesa right now. Just put it somewhere in the bullpen. Well don’t put it next to Black Farns, I hear he smells.
Go to NSBB to see my proprs for calling this one. My source informed me of this deal long ago. He calls Jim Hendry “The Great Reclamator”. So do I. I am a major player in this game, people. You should make a site that serves as an homage to my greatness.
Hoops
Dolan proclaims: “Hey, I like Dick.”
Dolan proclaims: “Hey, I like Dick.”
“That’s just unacceptable, Lady!” Lady?…oh, yeah…lady…
Um Andy, I get about twice as much snow as St. Louis and am much colder in the winter. So nice try, St. Louis sucks, but mostly because of factors other than the weather.
No more money for the Cubs, but we’re creating a new network, the CW.
read about it here
http://biz.yahoo.com/prnews/060124/nytu143.html?.v=43
Hey, ragging on St. Louis is my full time job!
What else am I gonna do each night when I turn onto Chestnut Street after a day of babysitting Iowa’s criminals?
Absolutely serious Anna Benson query: did she and Kris ever reproduce? I’m pretty sure she did before she married Mr. Overrated.
I don’t know about Home Improvement but I often shake my stick at Allison Payne when she comes on the tube at night.
Remember that line I had from Pulp Fiction? Bring out the Gimp?
It’s like the whole pitching staff…
From heckler to stalker. Man, what did I do to deserve that?
Read Carrie a week or two back. Reader asked if there was anything to the Zito trade talk. Carrie hadn’t heard any possible Zito trade rumors. Other than the speculation on a possible Zito trade in the three area papers, sports talk radio and the WGN Mothership’s own David Kaplan constant whining for the crafty lefty, neither had I. )If you don’t count all the Cub blog spots)
The best arguement of all, of course, is to point of that catcher era is crap. Complete crap. It is never consistent from one year to the next. A catcher’s cEra will shift wildly from year to year because the stat is so swamped by background information that it is just about impossible to separate out the catcher’s actual influence on the pitchers.
Blanco is a best defensive catcher than Barrett as far as I can tell, but that is based on observation, not stats (other than CS %)
The best argument of all, of course, is to point out that catcher era is crap. Complete crap. It is never consistent from one year to the next. A catcher’s cEra will shift wildly from year to year because the stat is so swamped by background information that it is just about impossible to separate out the catcher’s actual influence on the pitchers.
Blanco is a better defensive catcher than Barrett as far as I can tell, but that is based on observation, not stats (other than CS %)
(that was not a double post, but rather a “spot the differences” game for your entertainment)
you’re welcome.
You said “Blanco is a best defenseive catcher than Barrett” in the first one and “Blanco is a better defensive catcher than Barrett” in the second one.
What do I win?
When the eff am I on anymore anyway? I used to be on during the mid-morning/afternoon blocks with Magnum and Matlock, but I sure don’t see it anymore. The only time I’ve seen it on since was a graveyard hour, which would actually suit me just fine if only I could pinpoint it.
Paper prices going up, you say? We just re-sourced the same paper, from the same mill, at a reduction in price of $120 per T, not counting the saving in freight costs.
#18, he also corrected his spelling on ‘argument’ in the first sentence.
I actually like this signing quite a bit and I feel comfortable with the number of pitchers we have…enough for injury anticipation, and if no injuries, then enough to trade for a bat.
See this article
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=Ardx02Us03gpPxn1MM9EWi0RvLYF?slug=citadel-2_492556_260&prov=citadel&type=story
We resent the inferrence that we would put our fine restaurants in the St. Louis area.
Do I not sound JUST LIKE the opening guitar riff in that shitty assed song from that shitty ass band with that shitty ass singer Rob Thomas?
“Straight Up”? I think it’s called?
No?
I am how Jerome Williams likes his steak.
I am also an apt description of today’s Dose. Good stuff, Andy.
The subtlety of the Brownlie line is exceptionally hilarious.
Why would signing a long term contract with the new owner of the Cubs have any effect on a sale price? A contract could have simple market adjustments scheduled every 5 years.
Also, no owner is going to want to leave WGN any time soon. Clear channel is still a big deal as is the built in listening base.
If the stock hits 25, anything is possible.
We aren’t selling the Cubs  they remain a huge profit center and also provide a TON of programming (radio, TV, newpaper).
Hey, Trib Co.
Given that you made $547,228,000 last year in NET INCOME and the Cubs generate about 30% of that in just GROSS REVENUE, the Cubs are clearly NOT A HUGE PROFIT CENTER. Even were the Cubs to generate a 10% bottom line, that would only be 3% of net income. Given how long the team has been owned, the basis is probably close to zero and all that’s being depreciated is the capital improvements.
As to providing a ton of programming, selling them does not preclude you from still airing and profiting from the programming. After all, you broadcast the Cubs for 40 years BEFORE you owned the team.
Great Dose today. After reading about the gimpy pitching staff its not hard to wonder why I’m not excited about this Cub season.
Let the chase to 73 begin…
Hey, Bagwell. No hard feelings, right? How about I buy you a nice lawnmower and we’ll call it even.
Okay, I’m hot but the tussled-hair look that Eva Braun’s wearing in her new Oriole jersey isn’t?
I don’t think so.
Oh, Chuck, you are so good at presenting opinion as fact. Just because you say it is so, it must be so.
I won’t dispute your 1/2 billion in net income, but your shouting over the gross revenue and assertions that the Cubs are not a huge profit center cloud the issue.
The core businesses are suffering, and the Cubs are generating revenue. For the Tribune to give up on that is folly. When many areas of your business empire are losing money, the one that is making money is a huge profit center. It’s a matter of scale when compared to other facets of the business.
But you knew that already. Or will soon tell us all that you did.
Why would anyone sell a team now, just as the WBC seduces the people of Italy, South Africa and Holland?
Trib Co.:
Clearly the core business is suffering. The question is, when core business suffers, what do you do? Many companies choose to sell non-core assets, especially ones that would bring in huge amounts of cash, and spend their management energies on fixing the core business.
When you look at their holdings (http://www.tribune.com/about/webguide/index.html), you see that the Entertainment Divison, which includes the Cubs, is all media based except for the Cubs. That would suggest that, were the Trib to start selling assets, the Cubs would lead the list.
As to the Cubs being or not being a “huge profit center,” while they may be very profitable on a stand alone basis, relative to Trib Co. bottom line they are not. Even if the Cubs are a $250mm per year revenue generator and a $25mm per year profit center (extremely unlikely), they would only contribute less than 5% of net income.
And if the stock falls another few points, stockholders will start screaming. At that point, options could include selling the Cubs and use the proceeds to buy back stock.
As to scale: Operating profit from Broadcasting and Entertainment for the 9 months ended 9/25/05 was $1,156,132,000. The Cubs are pimple on the ass of that division.
If the Brits couldn’t get anybody else but the Indians to give a f*** about cricket, then the Dutch and Italian won’t be becoming baseball bazzars until like, uhh, never.
At least the Dutch won’t unless/until Blyleven gets into the hall.
The Cubs are a huge profit center for me. Call me Cy Young bitches.
We are being represented in the WBC by South Holland (Ill.) Thornwood star Mark Mulder.
No love for me, Mark?
We all walk into a bar. #35 mumbles something about grasshoppers. The bartender says, “Hey, #35. I don’t think #33 was meant seriously.”
See, #39. THAT’s the joke I was trying to write today on my blog.
Note to self: always leave the comedy to the funny people.
BTW: this is really me. I can beat myself up better than any of you can
Please, let Chuck wander back to his cage. He can watch with a big tub of pellets and root for stock prices to drop from over there just fine. Presume all of Chuck’s wet dreams came true and the Tribune sold the Cubs after all, would it really make any difference? Ownership has given the baseball powers that be the money they need to win. There’s not much more the owner has to do with it.
Can we have the Moranboard back yet?
Also, the Cubs just signed Angel Pagan an OF prospect from the Mets.
(See, I’ll take credit if it goes over well.) I am honored, Mr. Sloth. And don’t worry, even on your worst days you are at least an excellent photo curator.
john shoop is being considered for head coach of the oakland raiders. randy moss’s projected game stats — 8 catches from WR screens for 32 yards.
Zookeeper:
“Ownership has given the baseball powers that be the money they need to win.”
Money, yes. They’ve also allowed the incompetant Andy MacPhail to remain employed.
The Astros are trying to take me off life support. Save me, Jeb Bush!
Chuck:
If all you want is for MacPhail to be replaced, that doesn’t require a change in ownership. Even if a new owner took over, MacPhail is not regarded in most circles outside of yours as incompetent.
Eagerly awaiting the stock price to drop, so they may sell, so they may replace MacPhail … in my business, we call what you’re doing “taking the long way around the barn.” You’re probably glad they didn’t sign Beltran now – though the Cubs are such a small part of the Tribune empire, there was speculation in some circles that signing Beltran alone would have driven up the stock price 5 or 6 cents.
Pagan also claims trial counsel was ineffective for not objecting to the prosecutor’s questioning of him about a “Pimp†tattoo on one of his hands. Specifically, the following exchange took place:
Q: . . . What’s the tattoo on your left hand?
A: A tattoo that says pimp.
Q: What?
A: It says pimp.
Q: Is that what you are?
A: When I was younger I use to have a couple of girl friends and so I considered myself like that.
Q: You considered yourself a pimp?
A: Yes.
Q: So you had it tattooed on your hand?
A: Yes.
Q: You pimped out the mother of your child?
A: No.
Q: Is that the deal?
A: No.
Q: What are you talking about?
A: When I was younger.
Q: When you were younger?
A: When I was a teenager, probably fourteen, fifteen when I got this.
Q: You were pimping people out when you were fourteen or fifteen, is that what you are telling this jury?
A: It’s, uh, I guess, it’s a thing that every boy does when they are young they like to have a bunch of girl friends and they think they are a stud which I thought I was, yes, so I had it tattooed on my hand.
We’re the team that thuoght Angel’s arm fall off when he was 19, not the Rangers. Get’s your facts straight Moran.
Hilarious Dose. Nice work.
I love the Rockford Files.
He still is pimpin’ and it looks like the Cicero Ave will be our new hang out. He told us if we don’t turn 10 tricks a day he would beat us like Ike beat Tina.
Zoo:
This ownership isn’t replacing MacPhail because he delivers profits. While the Cubs to the Trib is a pimple on their ass in terms of cash flow, they are a decent investment so long as they are cash flow positive.
Were they to diminish in their return, the board would drop them faster than the Sloth runs to a free buffet.
MacPhail keeps the Cubs profitable and provides 70 dates per year of live broadcast content for WGN. For that, they give him salary, stock, and probably a few perks like a country club membership. If that math changed, he’d be gone.
Or, a new owner would just dump him and bring in their own guy.
Oh, and we’re looking at the 4th day in a row for a new 52 Week Low for Trib Stock.
Never try to catch a falling knife.
Chuck, I am curious: Are you on the Tribune Board? You seem to know an awful lot. Oh, wait, these are your limitedly informed opinions? Oh. OK, then.
Adam Greenberg will catch my falling knife. AAA 4th OF Pimp rising, bitches!