It’s tempting for those of us who follow Chicago sports to assume that the NBA season is over. The Bulls won 30 games and had a champagne celebration in the locker room. Michael Jordan waved goodbye again. So when’s the draft? When do I get to kick back as round two starts and say, “Who the hell is Ron Burke and why is he on my television?”

But the season, is apparently not over. In fact, I was stunned to learn the NBA post season tournament was not done away with in June of 1998 when Jordan gave Bryon Russell a friendly nudge and nailed the jumper that won the Bulls sixth (and final–trust me) NBA Championship.

Not only are the playoffs getting started tomorrow, but you can find them on four (count ’em four) different television networks. ESPN, espn2, TNT and ABC. Actually, since Shawn Kemp is back in the playoffs you’ll probably see some action on TLC if they’re still running “A Baby Story.”

Anyway, I love the NBA playoffs. It means spring is here, which is nice. NBA playoff games are fun to watch because for the first time all year the players and fans are into every minute. Plus, it gives me a chance to harken back to the good old days at OnHoops.com where this all started. So, if you want somebody to blame, give Brock and Chris a call. If you can find them.

Eastern Conference
Overview: What a friggin’ mess. If you seeded the entire playoffs, regardless of conference (and did it like the NCAA selection committee) you’d have:
1. San Antonio v. 16. Orlando
2. Sacramento v. 15. Milwaukee
3. Dallas v. 14. Boston
4. LA Lakers v. 13. Philadelphia
5. Minnesota v. 12. New Orleans
6. Portland v. 11. Indiana
7. Detroit v. 10. Utah
8. New Jersey v. 9. Phoenix

The highest seeded team in the East would be Detroit. That’s just so sad.

Somewhere guys like Bill Laimbeer, Robert Parrish, Andrew Toney and Ed Nealy are rolling their eyes wondering what happened to the proud tradition of Eastern Conference basketball? I’ll tell you what happened to it.

All of the good players are in the West. The East talent-pool is thinner than NBA.com TV’s Mark Morgan’s hair. Ewww.

That’s pretty scientific, I know.

Anyway, they’re still sticking with the seed-the-East and then seed-the-West and the champs of both will meet in the NBA Finals, so we’ll stick with it to.

1. Detroit Pistons v. 8. Orlando Magic
Ben Wallace has a bad knee, but says he’s ready. This is important, because on a team of equals, Big Ben is first among them. Plus, he’s got cool hair. Sure, if he’s on the bench in street clothes you’ll still see his hair, but it’s just not the same.

Orlando is basically a one man team. That man is, of course, Pat Garrity. OK, fine, it’s Tracy McGrady and he’s simply the best player in the Eastern Conference bar none. A great player on a bad team can steal a game or two. But not four.

The pick: Detroit in five.

4. New Orleans Hornets v. 5. Philadelphia 76ers

The Hornets are a trendy Eastern Conference title pick. The reason is that for the first time all year they’re healthy, and Baron Davis brings his blindingly fast first step and massive overbite to the table. So you’ve got that.

The Sixers have Allen Iverson, which makes them dangerous. They also have a 412-year old Mummy at center, Dikembe Mutombo and shrinking violet Keith Van Horn is poised for his annual “oooh, it’s the playoffs, time to hide in the basement” moment.

Last year at this time the Hornets were also thought to be a prime threat in the East. But star small forward Jamal Mashburn contracted a virus that gave him a Nick Esasky-esque case of vertigo and he could not play in the postseason.

Let’s hope the only Vertigo that Jamal sees this year has Jimmy Stewart in it.

The pick: N’awlins in six.

2. New Jersey Nets v. 7. Milwaukee Bucks

Here’s what you need to know about this matchup. It probably puts not one, not two, but three of the four best point guards in the East against each other. You also need to know that both Milwaukee and New Jersey played big late season games in Chicago against the Bulls and got pantsed in both games.

So what does “that” mean? I have no idea. What I do know is that neither of these teams is equipped to win a big game when they really need it.

Jason Kidd’s sheer force of will should give the Nets an edge, but he’s got to deal with both Sam Cassell and Gary Payton. Plus, Kidd and Payton might just have a side-bet going that the winner of this series gets the coveted free agent slot in San Antonio next year.

The Bucks are about as tough as piece of wet tissue paper, and in the end that will be their undoing. But, given the failure of either team to take the “kill shot” when they have a game they need to win, I’m going with…

The pick (in a best of seven): New Jersey in 12.

3. Indiana Pacers v. 6. Boston Celtics

I want to pick Boston in this series. I really do. I hate Isiah Thomas. I think he’s an evil little man. I think he’s a terrible basketball coach. I think he’s ruining Ron Artest and doesn’t care that he’s doing it. I also dated a girl who listed Jeff Foster as her favorite basketball player. I have no idea…

But look at what we’ve got in Boston. We have a fun to watch team with two of the best players in the East. But also a team that absolutely killed itself in the offseason by ditching a moody, if serviceable point guard in Kenny Anderson for 800-pound Vin Baker.

What does Vin Baker bring to the court, other than a big pair of pants, of course? Not much.

Indiana has the most talent in the East. They’re deep. They can run. They can shoot. And Isiah will screw them up, but I don’t think it’ll happen in round one.

The pick: Indiana in six.

Western Conference
Overview: It’s not just that the best teams are out West, so are the characters. Loonies like Mark Cuban and Scot Pollard and creepy guys like Phil Jackson and Vlade “got any kiddie porn” Divac. The West is loaded. Plus, when the Lakers implode in round two, the whole thing will be gloriously up for grabs.

1. San Antonio Spurs v. 8. Phoenix Suns
Is Frank Johnson really the Phoenix coach? Really? Wow. Who knew? The former Suns scrub has them in the playoffs and playing sacrificial lamb to the Spurs. Stephon Marbury is a great talent, Amare Stoudamire has jaw-dropping talent and Shawn Marion is off the charts athletically.

Meanwhile, the Spurs don’t have a single player who could jump over the Evanston phone book.

The pick: San Antonio in five.

(Hey, nobody said the best athletes win. Remember Richard Dumas?)

4. Minnesota Timberwolves v. 5. Los Angeles Lakers
The over/under on how long the T’wolves will actually really have home court advantage is set at two hours and thirty minutes. I’ll take the under.

I’m of the opine that the Lakers are not good enough to win the NBA title this year. In fact, I’d bet the farm on it. Thankfully, I don’t own a farm.

This was the year the Timberwolves were finally going to win a playoff series. They had improved enough to crack the top four in the West. And then the Lakers went out and took a nap for the first three months of the season, got a lousy seed and are sitting there, waiting to whack the Wolves.

Oops!

The pick: Los Angeles in five.

2. Sacramento Kings v. 7. Utah Jazz
This is the third straight year for this playoff matchup. Last year in a five game series I cleverly picked the Kings in two.

Since this is the last go-around for the two dirtiest players in the NBA, John Stockton and Karl Malone, I won’t make that same joke.

The pick: (in best of seven) Kings in three.

I couldn’t resist.

3. Dallas Mavericks v. 6. Portland Trail Blazers

Mark Cuban has done a lot of things. He proved that he’s a guy who can’t pull off the “I’m not combing my hair” look. He proved that football jerseys of basketball players are stupid. He proved that any monkey can’t run a Dairy Queen. And yet, I love this guy.

If you are going to pick a team to root for, who do you pick? The floppy-haired Mavs led by Dirk Diggler and Steve “Captain Caveman” Nash, or Grand Theft Auto Three, the Portland Jail Blazers?

When your most likeable player is Scottie Pippen, you’ve got problems.

The pick: Dallas in seven. (Hey, I didn’t say Portland wasn’t good.)

So there you have it. Now if you want to be rich, fly to Vegas and bet the opposite of my picks.