Over at Cubs.com (where the motto is “Everything’s great, no matter how much everything sucks), Carrie Muskat does what apparently every “independent” MLB.com writer has to do for his/her teams sometime this week. She puts together a quickie “Fans Guide” for 2006 Spring Training. It includes tips on things like how to get tickets for spring training games, where are the best places to try to get autographs and whether or not she can destroy ant hills by taking off her glasses and lining up between the sun and the anthill. It’s good stuff.

Why do I even read the stuff on Cubs.com you ask? Actually I just stop by on my way to the MLB.com Shop where I check periodically to see when a guy will be able to buy a bobblehead doll for Cubs’ stars like Derrek Lee (come on, how come nobody makes a Derrek Lee bobblehead?), E-ramis Ramirez, Henry Blanco or Will Ohman, and I’m also waiting to buy a bright yellow t-shirt “replica” Venezuelan World Baseball Classic jersey with Zambrano 38 (or even better, Blanco 24) on it.

But I think the Fans Guide idea is aces. Since Carrie’s was a little bland, I thought I’d give it a shot.

The 2005 Cubs finished the season with a record of 79-83, compiling 20 fewer wins than the other team in Chicago, the ones whose fan base found out that a mixture of meth and playoff wins was better than just meth (though probably not much). The 2005 season was year three of a four-year plan instituted by Cubs’ manager Dusty Baker to remove the tag “Lovable Losers” from the Cubs. He has succeeded, the word lovable has been replaced by pathetic.

The Cubs’ 2005 season came on the heels of the most aggravating and soul crushing season in recent history for the club. Dusty took a 95 win team and squeezed 89 wins out of that one, finished in third place while the teams that finished ahead of the Cubs played to see who would go to the World Series.

Actually those same teams did it again last year, but since the Cubs finished fourth in 2005 and couldn’t find first place with a telescope, nobody noticed.

Dusty’s first season is now best known for setting the market standard for painful, mind-numbing, humilating failure, when the Cubs had three chances in four days to win their first pennant since 1945, and failed each time, including blowing a three run lead with five outs to go in one particularly famous instance.

So who is looking forward to 2006? Probably nobody more than Neifi Perez who will be paid the first half of the five million dollars the Cubs are giving him for 2006 and 2007, for being…Neifi Perez. Nice work if you can get it.

As for the fans? We’re fired up, too. It’s not every day when your team has a chance to field a $100 payroll and still finish behind both Milwaukee and Pissburgh.

Cubs fever! Catch it!

And die.

When do the Cubs report to Spring Training in lovely Mesa, Arizona?

Pitchers and catchers report on February 15, with position players arriving on February 20. Kerry Wood will report on February 15 and his right arm will arrive sometime in May.

When do games start?

Usually around 1 p.m. MST. Oh, I kill me! The first game is March 2 against Frank Thomas and the Oakland A’s. Frank is scheduled to break his right foot in the third inning (while standing in the dugout), you don’t want to miss it!

How do I get tickets?

There’s some Web site that pretends to sell them, but who are you kidding? If you don’t have them by now you’re not getting any. The only people dumber and more delusional than those of us who go to Cubs’ games at Wrigley Field are the ones who go to them at Hohokam Park. What you’ll see when you get there is the biggest collection of deranged melanoma this side of Curt Schilling’s wife.

Where is Mesa, and how do I get there?

Mesa is an hour south of Hell. From the east, go to Hell and turn left. From the west, go to Hell and turn right.

How can I watch the team work out?

Well, you can probably turn your head towards the field where they are working out at. Jeebus, how dumb are you?

Where can I get autographs?

For most of the team, you can get autographs by either waiting at the main entrance gate to Fitch Park starting around 8 a.m., or waiting until after workouts sometime around 5 p.m. For Kerry Wood and Mark Prior you will need to go to the Arizona State medical center and stake out the MRI machine. For most of the Cubs’ bullpen, you’ll need to be at Hooters sometime between “kitchen’s closing” and “last call.”

What else is there to do in Mesa?

People go to Mesa to do one of three things (or maybe even two of them.)

1) People with asthma move to Mesa, mistakenly believing the desert air will be easier to breathe. But a quick drive around town will show you that people keep trying to grow grass on their lawns, meaning there’s pollen everywhere and the combination of thicker night air and pollen during the day is actually worse than spending the winter in Illinois.

2) People come to watch Spring Training baseball.

3) People come to Mesa to retire and expire. As in, die. Good times.

When do the Cubs open the regular season?

The first game of the year is in Cincinnati on Monday, April 3 (the same day Adam Morrison goes for 48 in the NCAA title game). The home opener is Friday, April 7 at 1:20 against St. Louis. The first win is likely Tuesday, May 18 against Sammy Sosa’s Washington Nationals.