All year long we’ll read quotes from Cubs players and dopes like Dusty, but I think it’s safe to say that we will not top the one we got from Carlos Zambrano in today’s Tribune.

It was in regards to his buddy, and Arizona roommate Angel Guzman, who despite pitching well enough to make the team, is being sent to AAA to get a few innings in before he either hurts himself again (97 percent chance) or is needed to come back to save a medicore Cubs’ starting staff (also a 97 percent chance.)

Earlier in the spring I made fun of Angel for talking about how Carlos’ veteran leadership was really helping him.  That’s kind of like Dakota Fanning crediting Jonathan Lipnicki for passing along the wisdom from all his years of acting.

Yesterday, Angel said that Carlos was like a “dad” to him.  Carlos was not so pleased.

“I almost slapped him,” Zambrano said. “I said, ‘How can you say that? I’m 24 too.'”

That’s right, they’re both 24 years old.  Even in Arkansas your dad can’t be the same age.

With Rich Hill sent packing for Iowa, too, that leaves only Roberto Novoa and Mike Wuertz on the bubble for the final spot on the Cubs’ opening day pitching staff.  Novoa missed almost all of the Cacti Season with a lung fungus, and Wuertz’s pitching has armed more missiles than NORAD.  Wow, there’s a great choice to make.  The Cubs can likely DL Novoa, which will give Wuertz a couple of weeks to figure out how to make his slider…you know…actually slide.

Starting this afternoon (ooh, I can feel the anticipation), we’ll roll out our world-famous scouting reports on each team.  Today you get the American League.  Tomorrow the National.  But right now, you’re getting the stuff you can run to Vegas with (if you have a home you’d like to lose).  It’s time for the fearless predictions from Desipio.

American League
East
1. New York Yankees — They’re old as the hills, have more question marks on their pitching staff than a Frank Gorschen leotard, and have little to trade to reload.  But the lineup is sick, Gary Sheffield won’t pay any attention to the steroid investigation and they still have Mariano Rivera at the end.

2. Boston Red Sox — If they weren’t hinging so much of their hopes on the right arm (and epidermis) of Josh Beckett and on Curt Schilling finally getting healthy enough to run around and lose 20 pounds, I’d have picked them to win it.

3. Toronto Blue Jays — They’re a lot better, but AJ Burnett’s already on the DL (surprise!) and half their team is listed as a 1B/3B and most of those guys are really just DHs.

4. Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays — If you do it right, they have a chance to trade an extra hitter or three (Aubrey Huff, Joey Gathright, Julio Lugo) to get some pitching.  Finally.

5. Baltimore Orioles — There’s a chance that Corey Patterson could be their opening day right fielder.  Muahahahahahaha.

Central

1. Chicago White Sox — I wouldn’t pick them just because I’m always wrong, would I?  It’s not like Jim Thome’s back is a ticking time bomb, Scotty Fabulous is already falling apart or that Jose Contreras and Javy Vazquez are as likely to go 11-34 as 34-11.  Is it?

2. Cleveland Indians — Trading Coco Crisp proved to me that Mark Shapiro knows what he’s doing.  Coco’s a nice player, but he’s neither of the things he’ll attempt in Boston, he’s not a leadoff hitter or a centerfielder.  In fact, Jason Michaels might just be a better player anyway.  They were the best team in baseball from July 1 through to the start of the last week in September.  They should at least get the Wild Card this year.

3. Detroit Tigers — It all depends on what kind of pitching they get out of rookies Justin Verlander and Joel Zumaya.  If both rookies are adequate the Tigers will take a big step forward, if not?  Well, at least there’s always the Royals to break their fall.

4. Minnesota Twins — I can’t get a handle on them.  With Johan Santana and Jesse Crain and Francisco Liriano and Joe Nathan they’ve got some great arms.  Giving right field to Jason Kubel instead of re-signing Jock Jones was a good move.  But their offense was so lousy last year when Torii Hunter went down, is it really going to be good enough even with (presumably) full seasons out of Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer and Kubel?

5. Kansas City Royals — Instead of being horrible, they’ll merely be terrible thanks to retreads who cashed in instead of looking for a contender to play for.  Guys like Doug Eyechart, Mark Grudzielanek and Reggie Sanders.

 West

1. Oakland A’s — They got better in the offseason, adding crazy Milton Bradley, signing Frank Thomas to a deal that only pays him if he actually plays and putting Bobby Crosby in bubblewrap.  Their rotation is solid, their bullpen is deep…what’s not to like?

2. Texas Rangers — If form holds, they’ll disappoint this year, fire Buck Showalter and win the World Series next season.  Kevin Millwood should be a no-brainer but he’s followed up good seasons with clunkers before.  They have plenty of offense but a hole in center you park the Space Shuttle in.  I guess they could put Brad Wilkerson there.  It’s always fun to watch a 240 pound guy chase flyballs.

3. Anaheim Angels — Like the Twins, they could be a lot better than this.  But only if a lot of things fall into place.  Like Bart Colon’s spine doesn’t finally give under all of his girth, or Mike Scioscia decides that Darin Erstad isn’t really all that good, or Dallas McPherson finally plays well, or Tim Salmon’s knee doesn’t fall off again, or Garrett Anderson’s spinal condition doesn’t flare up.  You catch my drift.

4. Seattle Mariners — Honestly, why don’t they just sign the entire Japanese national team.  If it’s good enough to win the WBC, it should be good enough to finish third in the AL West.

National League

East

1. Philadelphia Phillies — I was high on the Phillies (and on something I bought in Tucson last winter) earlier in the spring, but figured I’d just pick them to finish third until Keith Olbermann talked me out of it yesterday.  I can always blame him, I guess.  I like their offense, they play good defense, Ryan Howard’s a monster, their bullpen is OK and their starting pitching is deeper than most people think.  But if Flash Gordon is your closer, you don’t have a closer.  That may doom them.

2. Atlanta Braves — Every time I watch Jeff Francoeur hit I think “why does anybody ever throw him a strike” but every time somebody does and he smokes it.  I think instead of being exposed in his second season, he’s going to go into a slump or three, but spend most of his time pounding the ball.  If they’re ever going to finish second, this is the year.  The Phillies are good, the Mets have loaded up, and the Braves have a lot of sophomores in the lineup (always a crapshoot), no closer and no Leo Mazzone.  So they’ll probably win 97 games.

3. New York Mets — They are undeniably improved, and if Pedro stays healthy they probably should win the division.  But Pedro’s not keen on staying healthy anymore, and Billy Wagner’s not ready yet either.  If St. Louis comes back to the pack, like it looks like they will, the three best teams in the NL are all in the East.

4. Washington Nationals — I think they could be truly bad.  They struggled to score last year and gave up more offense in the Alfonso Soriano trade than they got back.  They’ll pitch, but that’s about it.

5. Florida Marlins — It’s easy to get excited about kids, and Jeremy Hermida looks like an impressive addition to Miguel Tejada and Dontrelle Willis, but they’re going to be awful.  Good news though.  Good seats are still available to every game.

Central

1. St. Louis Satanic Fowl — Jim Edmonds’ arm is going numb, Scott Rolen’s shoulder will never be right again, they’re banking on an obese Aruban prince in their rotation and Chris Carpenter’s elbow is about due for an implosion, and you know what?  In the current NL Central, they’d probably still win it even if all those things went as badly as possible.  Guh.

2. Houston Astros — They could be really bad.  If Andy Pettitte’s elbow problems he had the first year and a half come back, and Fat Roger stays retired, then it’s Roy Oswalt against the world.  But chances are Pettitte will be OK, Fat Roger will show up in June and the Astros will overcome a 15-30 start to almost make the playoffs.

3. Chicago Cubs — This is not an awful team, as much as poke fun at them.  The offense should be improved over the crapfest of last year, and the bullpen looks much better.  But you can’t predict anything about the starting pitching.  Carlos will be studly, but then what?  Maddux will be 40, Prior, Wood and Miller are all still hurt and that leaves Rusch, Williams, Marshall, etc. to pick up the slack?  It’ll take a miracle for them to contend.  You know, like every other year.

4. Milwaukee Brewers — People are jumping on the Brewers’ bandwagon in such large numbers that there’s an inevitable stampede set to happen sometime in June.  The Brewers are getting better.  I had a summer-long first-hand look at that in 2003 with Ricky Weeks, Prince Fielder, Dennis Sarfate, Nelson Cruz (no, not the old White Sox pitcher) and Manny Parra.  But they’re not as close as people think.  As good as they are, Prince and Ricky will struggle at times this year.  Geoff Jenkins isn’t exactly a safe bet to get through 140 games again.  Corey Koskie can’t play anymore.  Ben Sheets is already hurt.  Dan Kolb is back, and was awful last year.  It’s getting there.  But it’s not there yet.

5. Pissburgh Pirates — Since Cincinnati’s new GM seems to have a clue, I’m tempted to pick them.  But I think Pissburgh is a little farther ahead, even if Jim Tracy is their manager.

6. Cincinnati Reds — Their problem will always be finding pitching that doesn’t implode in that bandbox ballpark of theirs.

West

1. Los Angeles Dodgers — There’s no way they’ll get full seasons out of Nomar or JD, but the West is still awful, and unless Barry Bonds plays in 130 games, they’ll win more games than the Giants, and that means they’ll win more than anybody else in the West.

2. San Francisco Giants — If Bonds plays, they’ll win.  But his knees are bad, his elbow’s bad, his back is giving him problems.  It’s almost as if his ligaments and tendons were under freakish amounts of stress for the past…oh, seven years or so.  Huh?

3. San Diego Padres — They’re probably the safest bet in the division, but they’ll only win it if 83 wins is enough again.  Actually, it just might be.

4. Arizona Diamondbacks — It all depends on how good their supposed superstar prospects like Conor Jackson and the brothers of JD Drew and BJ Upton are.  One of the three will probably be as good as advertised.  Not all three.

5. Colorado Rockies — And you think it’s bad being a Cubs’ fan.

Individual Awards

MVP
American League: David Ortiz.  He should have won it last year.
National League: Carlos Beltran.  If I wanted to be right, I’d pick Pujols.  I have a hunch that after a season of “see, it’s a good thing we didn’t sign Beltran”, Cubs’ fans will have reason to want to throw rocks at Jim Hendry this year.

Cy Young
American League: Johan Santana.  He should have won it last year.
National League: Carlos Zambrano.  What, are you going to tell him he’s not your pick?

Rookie of the Year
American League: Francisco Liriano.  Damn, why did I pick the Twins to finish fourth?
National League: Jeremy Hermida.  He’s going to get plenty of at bats now, isn’t he?

Manager of the Year
American League: Eric Wedge.  He should have won it last year.
National League: Grady Little.  Just another reason for AL fans to mock the NL.

So what, so far he’s been Unlucky Pierre?  Is that it?

Wait, is Dusty saying he hasn’t talked to Jerry Hairston about the second base job, or that he’s never spoken to him.  Ever?

John Paxson says Tim Thomas is a dope.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut and pretty much just rewrites the column that Barry Rozner wrote a couple days ago.  
 
Wait, the Cubs’ new strength trainer is Dr. K?  Dr. Kervorkian?  Doc Gooden?  Either way, it explains a lot.

The Bills are going to trade Eric Moulds.  You don’t know a team in the NFC North, maybe a team that wears navy blue and orange, who could use him, do you?  Nah.

Hey, it’s kind of like the Angels put all of their games on WCIU!

Ken Rosenthal is already loading up the Bekins truck to get Dusty to Phoenix next season.  I’ll help load it.

Ironic that the Lenny Harris cut is on Forbes’ Web site.  Like many Forbes readers, Lenny made a lot of money while doing absolutely nothing.  How much you want to bet Dusty’s already hasseled Hendry about this?

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