As is our custom, every spring we head to the Piggly Wiggly, buy a couple cases of Red, White and Blue and head out to ply real, live baseball scouts for their insight and knowledge of each and every Major League Baseball team.

Then, we distill that down into some entertaining and informative reading for you, the home viewer. All this for the low, low price of your basic Internet connection. Such a deal.

American League

New York Yankees

Our scout’s say: The Mexican girl they signed to play centerfield is a looker. She doesn’t have much of an arm, though…Jason Giambi really turned things around last year. Amazing, really. He was so bad early on, and almost got sent to the minors at one point. The only thing that saved him was his huge contract. The Yankees didn’t want to eat that. Then all of a sudden he started to hit home runs again. Just about the time he started growing out of his hat, actually…Mariano Rivera’s probably the best closer of all time. The worst? Probably Calvin Schiraldi.

Robinson Cano probably deserved Rookie of the Year last season, even if he can’t get on base and strikes out too much. He’s a Yankee, damnit!…They’re gonna miss Joe Girardi on the bench. You’ve never seen a guy fold towels so fast or so well. He’s amazing…Torre’s staff this year has a lot of ex-managers on it, like Joe Kerrigan and Larry Bowa and Tony Pena and Lee Mazzilli. You notice there aren’t any good ex-managers on it… He’s not crazy…I know there’s a book out that says that Derek Jeter is one of the worst defensive shortstops in baseball. But if you need a guy to catch a ball in the fourth row, he’s your man…I know Alex Rodriguez takes a lot of crap for not getting more clutch hits. I don’t think that’s fair. I saw him in high school, he came through three or four times.

Boston Red Sox

I don’t like Coco Crisp. I do like the chocolate Lucky Charms, though…Josh Beckett is pretty much just Kerry Wood with fewer acne scars…I liked Mike Lowell a lot better a couple years ago–you know, when he could actually play…I know they felt like they had to get rid of Edgar Renteria. But they replaced him with Alex Gonzalez? That’s like if NYPD Blue had replaced David Caruso with Gallagher…Their offense the past few years was tough to handle. Damon was on base all the time, you had to deal with Papi and Manny and the guys down the lineup could all hit. Now you look at the bottom of the order and it’s JT Snow, Alex Gonzalez and on days Varitek’s not catching–Josh Bard. You could strike those three out on seven pitches…I’m not saying Gonzalez is terrible, but I hope that Theo has Spike Owen’s number on speed dial, just in case…I like how Curt Schilling blames his extra weight on having a sore foot. I had no idea that he used to block French fries and pieces of cheesecake from his mouth with his foot?…They’re going to give Keith Foulke every chance to show he can be the closer again. All that means is that they’ll lose a bunch of games early when he proves he’s done and then they’ll end up going to Papelbon anyway…I read that the reason Terry Francona wears a sweatshirt instead of his uniform in the dugout is because he has a blood disorder that makes him cold all the time. I thought maybe he was just too dumb to realize when it was hot?

Toronto Blue Jays

Speaking of managers who don’t wear uniforms, John Gibbons will wear that stupid windbreaker/pullover thing on a 140 degree day in Kansas City. I know first-hand he’s a solid manager, but he looks too much like Jim Lefevbre for my taste…I didn’t mind the contract they gave BJ Ryan, because I think he could be an elite closer and it’s kind of a fact of life that the Blue Jays have two distinct disadvantages when it goes to signing free agents. They are in Canada and they’re in the same division as the Sox and Yankees. So they had to overpay. I get that. But for the money they gave always-injured AJ Burnett, they might as well as withdrawn it all from the banks in one dollar bills and wiped their collective hineys with it. He’s good when he’s healthy. But he’s rarely healthy…How could they have left themselves in a spot where they have Shea Hillenbrand, Eric Hinske, Lyle Overbay and Troy Glaus all on the roster? Are they going to play two at a time at third and first?…I question what they’ll get out of Benjie Molina. He didn’t want to sign with them, but had to because nobody else offered him any money. I’m sure he’s just thrilled to be there…Every year it starts to look more and more like Vernon Wells is Canadian for Jose Cruz, Jr…This Roy Halladay guy is good.

Tampa Bay Rays

I hear they dropped the word Devil from their nickname. So what are they now, they’re not fish, they’re Raymonds? They should have a picture of Ray Ramano on their hats this year…I’ll never understand why teams with enough good young players to stock a starting lineup go out and get duds like Ty Wigginton and Josh Paul who just clog up their roster. Chances are these guys won’t help you win any games, but even if they did, what’s it going to be, the difference between going 72-90 and 70-92? Why not just play the talented guys every day? Hey, there’s a novel idea…When you look at Aubrey Huff and his trade value now, and think back to how much the Cubs or Mets were prepared to give up for him before last season? Chuck Lamar needs to be beaten to death with a garden hose…Their pitching is weaker than a Kyle Orton pull-up. I like Scott Kazmir and Edwin Jackson and—nope, just those two…I think that if you played BJ Upton at short every game he’d hit 30 homers. I also think he’d make 104 errors. But wouldn’t that be kind of fun to watch?…Julio Lugo hasn’t bounced his wife’s face off of a car for almost three full years now…Every time Peter Gammons writes or talks about Rocco Baldelli, I feel a little gay.

Baltimore Orioles

At a spring training game in Florida last week, Corey Patterson swung three times before the pitcher made one delivery.  I couldn’t figure out what he was doing, then I looked up and the Fuji blimp was going over head and I’m pretty sure that’s what Corey was swinging at…I thought Nick Markakis was an island past the Bahamas…I’m pretty sure the pitching coach is autistic.  They have to be tempted to put a helmet on him when he’s sitting in the dugout, he’s gonna smack the hell out of his head one of these days…They traded for Kris Benson.  I can’t wait until later in the season when his slutty, ex-stripper wife gets hopped up on Boog’s Barbecue and uses the right field foul pole like a stripper pole…I’m not disturbed by Rafael Palmeiro’s assertion last year that Miguel Tejada gave him a vitamin injection.  What I’m concerned about is that Miguel has named his penis “Beatwelve.”…On their roster they have Kevin Millar listed as a DH.  Obviously, they’ve seen him play first base and left field.  Ouch…Jeff Conine is back with them.  They had run dangerously thin at “useless, slow white guy” after BJ Surhoff retired.

Chicago White Sox

I’m concerned about them this year.  Expectations are sky high and tickets are selling well, and you know how agitated meth addicts get when they’re crowded…Ozzie Guillen is funny.  Take that however you want…I’m pretty positive that Scott Podsednik is not gay.  I’m just as possible that the shirtless Puerto Rican teenage boys who sit in the front rows of the left field bleachers are…It’s kind of funny that if the Sox play Jim Thome at first it’ll be the first time ever that Paul Konerko is put into a game in the late innings to upgrade a team’s defense…If Podsednik, Brian Anderson and Jermaine Dye play as I have them projected to, the Sox outfield might combine for numbers almost as good as Randy Winn…I’ve got more stuff, but I’ve got to go.  Kenny Williams’ kids are in the parking lot peering into my car windows.

Cleveland Indians

Did you know that Grady Sizemore is white?  He is.  That’s almost as shocking as the fact that Angels’ second baseman Howie Kendrick is black…I think they’re good, but I’m pretty sure no team can make the playoffs with Casey Blake in right field…They waived Jason Dubois in favor of Todd Hollandsworth.  I had no idea that Eric Wedge was related to Dusty Baker.  But hey, they’ve got as much to show for the Jody Gerut trade as the Cubs do…If CC Sabathia’s hat was on any more crooked it’d be straight…I had no idea that Bob Wickman lost the tip of his finger in a childhood accident.  I just assumed it was diabetes… What’s more distressing about Andy Marte?  That he got traded twice in one offseason or that he didn’t beat out Aaron Boone?…Travis Hafner looks like Vin Diesel’s younger, uglier brother…Myles Brand told them they won’t be allowed to play in the NCAA Tournament until they get rid of Chief Wahoo.

Detroit Tigers

If I didn’t tell you that Jim Leyland smokes 14 packs of cigarettes a day, how long would you have to look at him to figure it out on your own?  Like seventeen seconds?…What a shock it was last year that Pudge Rodgriguez lost a lot of weight and started to suck, huh?…If Chris Shelton is playing first base for you, you don’t have a first baseman…I like Placido Polanco, but since he dumped the weight, he sings like shit…I think Magglio Ordonez is getting better, you can hardly hear his knee when it bends anymore…They seem to have given up on Nook Logan.  I just like saying Nook…Did Kenny Rogers sign with Detroit because of the warm reception he got at the All-Star Game?  Hey, they may have booed him, but at least the batteries they threw at him were C or smaller…Todd Jones is going to suck this year.

Minnesota Twins

Ironically, none of the Twins are twins.  Joe Mauer’s sister is pretty hot, though…Shannon Stewart is one of the ugliest women I’ve ever seen…They’re going to miss Jacque Jones. When he struck out, he did it with flair…Torii Hunter’s a great defensive player and at the plate?  He’s a great defensive player…When your favorite team picks up a Rule V guy and you don’t care—just remember that Johan Santana was a Rule V pickup…Tony Batista?  Really?  What, Leo Gomez wasn’t available?…Terry Tiffee’s name makes him sound like a figure skater, but he’s actually pretty good…I’m upset that Boof Bonser isn’t going to make the team…For a fast guy, Luis Castillo doesn’t run very much anymore.  Wait, can you be fast if you don’t run?

Kansas City Royals

It doesn’t bother me that veterans like Reggie Sanders, Mark Grudzielanek and Doug Mientkiewicz signed with the Royals.  It bothers me that the Royals pissed away money on these three guys…Speaking of wasting money, who’s the genius who offered Paul Bako a contract?…Every time I see the name David DeJesus, I think of John Turturro in “The Big Lebowski”, you know, “Don’t mess with the Jesus.”…No?…I like how Royals fans get mad that the team can’t trade Mike Sweeney.  Have they seen his contract?…Is Justin Huber the guy who brews Leinenkugel?…Runelvys Hernandez is on the DL for being fat.  Seriously.  Hey, if you can get a handicapped placard for your car for it, you can go on the DL for it, too…Andy Sisco allowed inherited runners to score at a hellacious pace last year.  Maybe he just hates his teammates?…I’ll tell you what every fan of a rebuilding team wants to see.  An outfield of Reggie Sanders, Emil Brown and Matt Stairs.

Oakland A’s

They traded for Milton Bradley because they were thin at “violent, insane, switch-hitting outfielder.”…Last year Bobby Kielty (who has lots of curly red hair) showed up for a game wearing a complete Ronald McDonald costume.  That guy can play for me any day…You’d think a guy named Nick Swisher would play on the other side of the Bay, don’t you?…You could probably say the same about Rich Harden…Frank Thomas will give them a lot, in the 37 at bats he actually is healthy enough for…Every time I see Huston Street I think, “That’s not how you spell Houston.”…Jay Payton loves to bitch about sitting on the bench.  He’s going to love this year, then.

Texas Rangers

What the hell happened to Hank Blalock last year?  All he needed was a curly blonde wig and he’d have been Steve Buchele…When you’re trying to decide between Gary Matthews Jr. and Laynce Nix in center field, well, you really don’t have much of a choice, do you?…They’re going to miss Orel Hershisher.  He was a solid pitching coach and it’s always kind of fun to look a guy and see what Doogie Howser is going to look like in 20 years…Here’s a fun party game.  Hand somebody a list of their pitching roster and see if they can keep from shuddering…I’m not even sure Mark Teixiera knows how to spell his last name…They have a sign in their clubhouse that currently reads “The Texas Rangers have gone 186 games without clubbing a fan in the stands with a bullpen chair.”…Just exactly who’s bright idea was it to trade for Phil Nevin?  Really?

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

I’m old enough to remember when Darin Erstad was underrated.  He’s grown past that.  Way past that…The only good way to pitch to Vladimir Guerrero is to throw one down the middle and hope he doesn’t bounce it off the rock waterfall in center…They win the boobie prize for “least talented Molina brother” on their roster…Orlando Cabrera made a lot of money in that run through the playoffs with Boston.  He hasn’t shown any real need to earn it now, though…Ervin Santana’s pretty good.  Especially when he’s with Michelle Branch… If you put Cool Whip on the rosin bag, Bartolo Colon will eat it…Adam Kennedy’s mom makes excellent blueberry muffins.

Seattle Mariners

Adrian Beltre says he’ll have a better year this year than last.  Gee, that should be hard…Richie Sexson managed to get through an entire season without tearing his shoulder off.  You take progress where you can get it…I loved Jeremy Reed in the Smokey and the Bandit movies, but “Gator” was his best role…Ichiro had a bad year last year, for him.  He “only” had 206 hits…They went to Japan to get a catcher, Kenji Johjima.  Now the concern is that he won’t speak English well enough to communicate with the pitchers.  How hard is to learn to say, “Hey!  Start throwing strikes, asshole!”?…They signed Jurassic Carl Everett and traded for Joe Borchard.  They’re trying to win the 2006 World Series with the worst guys from the 2005 champs…Matt Lawton is hoping to resuscitate his career with the M’s, after he flunked a steroid test last year.  Yeah, he’s a real poster child for the benefit of steroids, huh?…The only reason I wish Jamie Moyer would retire is so Chris Berman wouldn’t be able to use that goddamned “Ancient Mariner” line all the time.