It’s the day we’ve been waiting for since last year ended. Which, come to think of it was in July in Cincinnati. But you know what I mean. Besides, you don’t want me to remind you of that horrendous game that featured the Cubs blowing a six run lead, Michael Barrett not scoring from second on a double, Bob Novoa balking in the tying run and…wait, I’m reminding you, aren’t I. Never mind.
Today, the slate is clean. Everybody’s 0-0. Except for the f#$%ing White Sox (and the Indians), but that’s another story. The Cubs’ future is as bright as the sun in the sky.
Of course, it’s raining here, which is probably an omen.
I got an e-mail from the Sloth this morning. He wanted to rub it in that my ex-girlfriend, NBC Weekend Today co-host Campbell Brown is now married. I’m a big man. I can take it. I don’t need to say cruel things to hide my pain. So I’ll say this. I hope Campbell is happy, and her husband (Dan Senor Wences), too. She’s still the prettiest girl on TV with a lisp.
Oh, that was probably low.
I paid attention, I thought, to sports over the weekend. I watched both lousy NCAA semi-final games. But it wasn’t until a fantasy draft last night that I knew the Cubs had traded for Oakland A’s utility man Freddie Bynum. I was trolling for a middle infielder and there he was on the list. At first, I was horrified. Bynum is, as I understand, like Jose Macias, only less homely and more fluent in English. So I had to zip over to Cubs.com to see who the Cubs had traded for him.
At first, I was scared it was going to be David Aardsma. The Cubs can’t trade him until our term for what an Aardsma is, catches on.
Then, I thought it might be Bob Novoa, because the Cubs didn’t have room for him on the opening day roster. But then I figured it was going to be somebody who wasn’t going to make the Cubs’ roster. I guessed it would be Bobby Brownlie. Fresh off a competent inning against the Padres on Saturday, I assumed he was gone.
Finally, buried on Cubs.com, I found a link. Turns out, it was the greatest trade of all time. The Cubs got a warm body, with (presumably) a pulse still, for John Koronka! If Hendry had put Koronka on eBay, he wouldn’t have even put a minimum required bid on him, just a “buy now” icon.
Not only did the Cubs get a player for Koronka, he was the lynchpin in a three-way trade. Like any good three way, at least one of the parties is going to end up having to brush their teeth, and in this case it’s the Texas Rangers, the proud new owners of a barely used Koronka. Guh.
So the Cubs roster is set. Bynum’s arrival means that Ryan “Dance Fever” Theriot is back to his Des Moines bungalow, and the Cubs’ bench looks like this. (On days, like today, when Todd Walker is starting.)
Bynum, Jerry Hairston, Neifi, Hank White, John Mabry and Angel Pagan.
That’s three second basemen, a catcher, one outfielder and a Mabry. I’m going to start putting my change in a big jar so I’ll have enough cash in October to buy a Cubs’ replica World Series ring. Whoo hoo.
I got an e-mail last night from Len Kasper and he’s excited about the new season. He likes that the Cubs are “flying under the radar.” I agree. I just fear that very soon they’ll be flying under the tarmac. Len gave the Hank White Fan Club another shout out on Saturday. He pointed out that Hank wasn’t just the best backup catcher in baseball the second half of last season. (He hit .318 and slugged well over .500 in the second half.) But that Hank was probably the best player in either league. Then he said something about Hank getting jobbed of out the MVP.
OK, the part about the best player in either league and the MVP…that might not have been said. But I could tell it was how Len felt. And really, that’s all that is truly important.
As you know, on Friday we were supposed to post our wildly entertaining NL Scouting Reports. It’s a long, involved process that includes talking to scouts, plying them with booze, making stuff up and a lot of typing. A whole lot of typing. Since the Cubs are off tomorrow and you’ll have an afternoon with nothing to do, we’re saving them until then.
Really, nothing smells better than wet Sox fan. It’s the same smell you get on a rainy day at a county fair when Confederate Railroad is playing. But on top of having to be there for the Sox unveiling their championship banner, watching Jim Thome homer in his return to the AL and sitting through a three hour rain delay, the Indians also got into a fight with Sox fans behind the dugout and watched CC Sabathia leave the game with strained fat. Great night. What do you do for an encore?
Sox fans had to leave their El Caminos at home and they (gasp!) took the train to the game to avoid the Dan Ryan construction.
“I thought it would be dirty and scary,” 14-year old Samantha Edge said. “But it’s not so bad, and it’s better than sitting in traffic.”
She wasn’t talking about the “L”. She was talking about new Busch Stadium.
The Cubs are going to try something new this year. They’re going to act like April games are important. They’ll still lose most of them, but they’ll make very determined faces while they’re losing.
Carlos is ready to win the Cy Young this year. I’m not going to tell him I don’t think he can. Are you?
The Cubs are relishing the role of being overlooked. Well, get used to it.
D-Lee says he’s close to signing a contract extension to stay with the Cubs. Last year, E-ramis didn’t sign his until batting practice on opening day. Derrek will sign his during his first at bat of the season. I hope the Reds don’t mind.
The Marlins are “serious” about moving to San Antionio. Good for them. I’ll try to pretend that I care.
On his Insider Blog, Peter Gammons picks the Cubs to finish second in the NL Central.
The Cubs are in transition, and if by June 1 Kerry Wood and Mark Prior are healthy and ready to pitch right through September, they bear watching. Carlos Zambrano is the Cy Young in waiting, and rookie Sean Marshall walked right into the rotation behind Greg Maddux. If Scott Eyre and Bobby Howry come close to what they did last year and Ryan Dempster is close to ’05, the bullpen will be fine.
What Jim Hendry has done is alter the style around Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez, who are capable of 75 homers between them. Juan Pierre, Ronny Cedeno and Matt Murton bring them energy and different skills, which in the end may make them a far better balanced and interesting team.
If fans get impatient waiting three years for Wood and Prior, how do you think Wood and Prior feel? They’ve suffered a lot more than the so-called “long-suffering” fans.
That’s right. Let’s feel sorry for how much Kerry and Mark have suffered, while playing a game for a living and cashing enormous paychecks. Boo freakin’ hoo, Petey.
Peter King is not writing about his colonoscopy this week. Thankfully.
I’m a big fan of the “Trade Barry!” billboard. Nice touch.
Deadspin pointed out this list of “nine downloads to get you ready” for the 2006 season. Good stuff on here. Among the highlights. Steve Goodman’s “Dying Cubs’ Fan’s Last Request”, James Earl Jones’ speech from “Field of Dreams”, “The Natural” movie trailer, the RBI Baseball theme song and the best, Vin Scully calling the end of a Sandy Koufax perfect game. Somebody should glue I-Pod earbuds into Chip Caray’s enormous lobes and force him to listen to Vin over and over and over again.
Dodger Blues is ready for opening day.
America’s finest news source says that George Steinbrenner has already tabbed Johnny Damon as the Yankees ’06 scapegoat.
Don’t forget (like you would.) Cubs-Reds, 1 p.m., right here.
Hey Andy, it hurts my shoulder every time I have to pick up my wallet!
April Fools, I got you Cubs fans, I am fine. It’s Mark’s ego, that’s what is injured.
Does anyone know of anymore washed up pitchers that have been on the IR list at least once a season? Or anyone that has had at least one Tommy John’s surgery? I am making my wish list for the trade deadline.
Brenly gave Desipio an uncredited shout-out on Friday’s telecast when Len mentioned Hank’s walk-off homer to end Spring Training 2005 and BB countered that it “sewed up the Cactus League MVP for Blanco in our mind”.
IR list? Isn’t that football? Oh well, I can start collecting injured guys from 2 sports.
F-U, Nolan… I bring the Cy Young to Cheecago!
I was commander of the Bitch Wars!!!
Thanks for the Aardsman shout out in the Dose. This is truly as good as it gets for me. I will now cry openly.
Thanks for the Aardsma shout out in the Dose. This is truly as good as it gets for me. I will now cry openly.
Im what Slaky just did trying to fix a typo. He is a stooge of the highest order.
Opening Day! I can hardly contain my tempered pessimism.
After the 2003 playoff series it will be difficult for me to accept Juan Pierre in a Cub uniform. I despised that guy and wished him two broken legs. Now that he is a Cub my wish will probably come true.
Hey, I’ve got new legs and feet for this season!
Advice toCubs Leftfielder Matt Murton and Shortstop Ronny Cedeno…Its never too early for a slumpbuster or two.
Especially while you’re in Cincy.
I’m back, bitches! Well, almost. Wait for it…. wait for it….
And get ready, because it’s double loads for you and you and you in 2006! Carlos has… um… “asked” that I add the Venezuelan national anthem this year. What was I gonna say, “No?”
Gloria al bravo pueblo
Que el yugo lanzó,
La Ley respetando
La virtud y…. HONOR!
Like it or not, our suffering is self-imposed. We can cry all we want but we sound like little babies. Jesus, it’s just a game. Imagine living in Haiti or Iraq or the Congo and bitching about something so trivial. We really ought to get over ourselves and be glad we have something this meaningless to do with our free time.
Lineups:
CUBS
Lucky Pierre, CF
DBF, 2B
D-Lee, 1B
IHOP, 3B
Jock, RF
Barrett, C
Big Red, LF
Ron Ce, SS
The Lawnmower, P
REDS
Corpse of Tony Womack, 2B
Lopez, SS
Junior, CF
NSBB Wet-Dream, LF
Encarnacion, 3B
Hatteberg, 1B
kEARns, RF
Valentin, C
Harang, P
And we’re failing our country too!
Hey, I’m a Cubs fan AND I live in Haiti, so lay off No. 15. Of course I’m probably failing my country too, seeing that I’m president of this 4th rate shithole.
Feed the children, dude…
I’ve been working on a new pitch. The Texas Titty Twister.
Well, Rene, screw you! I’m a Royals fan, and I live in the Republic of the Congo. I’m also an Arizona Cardinals fan, an L.A. Clippers fan and president of this scary place.
Life sucks.
I will hit three home run today mang. Dee Cobbies are my lil bitch mang.
I’m glad I share the schedule with Comcast/FSN/Whoever the fuck else broadcasts games now. Cubs fans outside the Chicagoland area are known to prefer reruns of DaVinci’s Inquest and Joan of Arcadia to actual games. On the bright side, I’ve added more White Sox games this year. We’re putting the Super back in Superstation.
You bitches think you got it bad? I used to be from Iraq and now I live in hell! I’m a BIG Cubs FAN!!! I wish I ran the team! They’d be paying with their pee pees in a jar along with their balls for this shit! GO CUBS GO!!!
I always thought I was Lucky Pierre.
No, Uday, you were acquired by the Mets in a July 2003 acquisition.
You can’t post me here yet can you?
Me and my machete say “bring it on” Uday.
I love fireworks! Especially when they blow up in my chest! Woohoo!!!
WOW! THAT WAS SOME AMAZING CRACK I JUST SMOKED!!!!
This guy sucks.
Where’s the BREEEEEEAVE!
We lead the World in patriotic walking to our seats with our hats on.
Crack? Where?
I’m borderline senile, aren’t I?
Look! George BUsh is a Commie. He’s wearing the jacket and everything.
I can’t control my facial features. I’m gurning in the presence of the President.
Had to hear a 10 minute recap on the White Sucks and an interview with Dookie Vitale. Bleed me!
Lots of Uday talk. Weird.
Borderline?
I am totally fake
Trust me, I don’t improve ANYBODY’S ballclub.
Andy finally got off me.
https://www.desipio.com/?p=1129
Time to move the party.
My fellow Americans, I’ve just signed legislation outlawing the White Sox and the South Side forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.
Did that just happen? Oh boy. Im actually excited.
Finally, somebody who can hit Aaron Hurang.
I can’t believe Todd Walker ran on Adam Dunn’s LF arm! Todd Walker will pay for that.
HA! Not this time, Todd Walker. The Reds should bring in Dunn to pitch.
I CANT CATCH!!! AHAHAHAHAH!
I just made a bunch of grown men nut didnt I?
What’s all this sticky stuff in here?
Daddy!
I know it’s only been one inning, but I still don’t think it’s too early for Matt Murton MVP talk.
Daddy, you are really good!
Who’s the dumbass wearing me?
R.B.I. Baseball! classic stuff.
Too much fun hitting homer after homer with the best player on that game, Andre Dawson.