It’s not often on Survivor that one of the “contestants” breaks out a $1,000 word. But then, it’s not every day that a self-proclaimed triathlon coach gets his comeuppance.

Day 28 started with dear, lovely, stupid Jenna going on and on about how Heidi, Rob, Alex and her were like family. In fact, she admitted that she has few friends and spends most of her time at home with mom and dad. And, for the record, no, we’re not buying that crap.

We see Heidi and her gravity defying chesty lying on the ground. Impressive.

Quisty doesn’t like the attitude of the “cool kids.” She says, “Dey juft do jack (mouths and signs the word ‘sh!t.'”

Matthew says, “I find their behavior to reprehensible.” Just the beginning of the big words.

The reward challenge involves giving them all $500 cash and having them bid for food. Yeah, we haven’t seen this before. Yawn.

Rob cracks that the $500 in his hand is more than his current life savings. Don’t say that out loud, Rob.

There is some pretty good stuff. Butch bids on a breakfast platter and Jeff “Anal” Probst throws in a bed and a pillow. Not too shabby. It’s white though. Just imagine how heinous that will look after two days in the swamp.

Everybody has bought food but Quisty and then Anal cracks out a stack of letters from home to bid on. Quisty wins the bidding but she’s mad at Jenna for bidding it up so high. She spends $340 on a letter from her friend Jennifer.

Jenna is crying, and because we found out at the beginning of her show that her mother has cancer, we already know she’s going to get a letter. Anal says he’ll auction another one but only if it’s OK with Quisty. Quisty says “suw”, which apparently is “sure”. Jenna buys her letter for $120. A much better deal.

Quisty reads her letter and says, “Maybe I can’t trust the people out here. But I definitely can trust someone there.” Whatever.

Jenna finds out that her mom’s brain tumor has decreased by 50 percent, and Heidi says, incredibly, “So it’s gone?” Heidi needs a little math refresher. Yikes. Jenna is happy, regardless.

Matthew muses that there are lots of subgroups within the tribe. He then names two. Again, two is not a lot. Math! Apply it!

Alex tells Rob that he knows the final four will be him, Rob, Heidi and Jenna. He then tells Rob that when they get to four, he’s voting for him.

Why not just vote yourself off, Alex? You dimwit.

Rob scurries to Matthew and uses the Jedi mind manuever to switch alliances.
Rob: “This is the most important talk we’ll have.”
Matthew to the camera, later: “Rob and I just had the most important talk.”
Eerie.

Rob says, “I have never stopped playing Survivor and over my dead body will I start playing.” He then tells Matthew that Alex’s move shows “extreme hubris.” Hubris! Who knew? I didn’t even know they had words that big in New Jersey?

Matthew says, “I have good survival skills but I can’t play the game. Rob can play the game but has no survival skills.”

Yeah, and your point is?

Wob tawks to Quisty and says dey are gonna get wid of Awex. Quisty says, “Awex is juft wike (sticks out her tounge) dwoowing over Jennuh and Heidi.” Dwoowing? Don’t want to know.

The immunity challenge is a review of a quiz on each other they took during the day. They were given a quiz that Rob described as “a slambook.” The results were tabulated and in the immunity challenge they had to pick who they thought was picked the most times for each question.

Who would you trust with your life? Most people said Butch.
Who uses sex as a weapon? I thought it’d be Butch again, but it was Jenna.
Who is the most honest? Matthew (too strange to lie).
Who could never survive on their own? Jenna. No kidding.
Who needs therapy? Matthew. He answered himself and has four right, only one away from immunity.
Most likely to pose nude? Heidi. Dear God, no! Rob now has four.
Who do you have a crush on? Rob says Heidi, of course and gets immunity.

Alex is happy. He shouldn’t be. As Anal puts the immunity necklace on Rob, Rob says, “This is the best day of my life. These are my people.” Thank God he’s kidding.

At the tribal council we see Dave and Deena, the first two jury members. Deena looks like the buffet at the hotel is good.

Jenna and Heidi have stupid face paint on. Anal asks them about it. I don’t care.

The votes come in and it’s Alex four, Matthew three.

Jenna and Heidi look like they just ate a crap sandwich. Muhahahahahahaha!

Rob grins like an idiot.

In his final words, Alex is chipper and says, “You got me. Somebody switched their vote. Probably Rob. I’m gonna get a shower, some food,” and go bang Shawna in the hotel.

Nice plan.

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The dumbass who threw his cellphone at former Little League World Series hero Sean Burroughs was arrested for it. Two things, Sean needs to hit a lot more than he is to ever be referred to as anything but “Little League World Series” hero, and what are the odds that a Cubs fan would have a cell phone? Really?

Rick Morrissey says that sometimes, fans do stupid things. Really? By definition, if you spend money to see the Cubs, you’re doing a stupid thing. Anything after that is gravy.

Rosey on the draft and other stuff.

The Sox joined the Cubs in screwing up three games series’ the last two days. Looks to me that when it’s all over, both sides of town get a third place team.

The Cubs, they no hit again yesterday. Stop it!

El Pulpo is ready to roll…in Iowa for a week. Oh, and Sammy likes Coors Field. Really?

The Bears want to draft a fat guy number four. This is just so Bears.

The Bears are thinking Chris Simms or Rex Grossman in round two. I can’t argue with either. If they’re actually still there.

Looks like Don Pierson is trying to hint the Bears into drafting Terrell Suggs. I think they’d be crazy not to. But then, he could be Aundray Bruce, too.

Kenny Williams needs to get over his red-assedness. He’s just tiresome.

Phil Daniels and Alex Brown got the Brian Piccolo Awards.

Nobody wants the Blackhawks radio rights. No kidding.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to prove he can find the Minneapolis newspapers on-line.

NIU’s Rob Judson is emerging as a prime candidate for the Illinois job. Here’s what I know about Jud, and I’ve got a friend who coaches with him at NIU: he’s a great guy, knows basketball inside and out and can recruit like nobody’s business. The only negative is that he only has two years of head coaching experience. BUT, if he gets the Illinois job, he gets a year to learn on the job with a very good team with no seniors and then the 2004-05 team makes a run for the Final Four. This could happen. Oh, his ears are enormous, too. For what that’s worth.

Nobody asked me, but: I think it’s down to 1. Bruce Weber, 2. Johnny Dawkins, 3. Judson. Yes, I said Johnny Dawkins. Guenther respects Coach K and Coach K keeps telling anybody who’ll listen that Dawkins is ready to coach, and win big someplace. You heard it here first.

Carmelo Anthony did what everybody does. He got the hell away from Jim Boeheim.

The Wizard of Roz with a great one on NBC’s casualty of war, David Bloom.

Drew Lawrence with a look at this weekend’s NFL draft.

Sports Guy with a timely on on Boston Celtics star…Larry Bird? Oh, for chrissakes.

Whoo-hoo, the WNBA Draft is today on ESPN2! Oh, shoot me know. I want to hear somebody tell the truth and say, “You know, right now, I think they’re looking for the BAL. Best available lesbian.”

Check this out. Jayson Stark quotes a scout as saying that after seeing the messes in St. Louis and Houston that “The Cubs could run away with that division.” Has he seen the Cubs? For like, 90 years now?

But he’s right. The Cardinals are in disarray. They can’t pitch, they’re all banged up. I love it.

Spanish-yes.com’s Don Banks with some really good stuff on the NFL Draft. Including a Tim Couch to Dallas rumor.

Stewey says everybody wants to go both ways now.

X-Men two is opening in 80 countries next Friday. Big whup.

Wait, you mean The Reel Cancun is basically reality TV with boobies? So what’s “Family Business” on Showtime, then?

Former president Bubba gave Tony Blair some advice before the war started. We can only imagine that it involved Gap dresses and cigars.

Ashley Banfield tells all to the Topeka Capital-Journal. Oh, my. How sad.

America’s Finest News Source on Uday Hussein’s pleasure palace.