Just because we’re Cubs fans doesn’t mean we’re all masochists. We don’t just blindly follow this forsaken baseball team because we enjoy the kick to the groin feeling they hand out so regularly. There has to be something that keeps our interest, that compels us to put so much of our time into watching them play baseball at a remarkably consistent level of ineptitude year after year.
This weekend was three days of the good stuff. Three days that remind us why they Cubs are a combination of crack cocaine and being punched in the face by Bobby Brown and we are, forever, Whitney.
In a way, the start to this season is so predictable the guys who write “Teachers” would mock it. Since the implausible run to the playoffs in 2003, the Cubs have had high expectations and they’ve rejoiced in crushing us with disappointment at every turn.
This year? No expectations. The Bobbsey Twins were nice enough to get their DL stints booked early, and the whole team just seems underwhelmingly talented. They were going to be free to bounce along to another 79-83 season while we just shrugged, kicked at the ground in front of us and made up new swear words.
The schedule maker even decided to give the Cubs a quick slap. An early three-gamer with the Satanic Fowl at Wrigley. Nice way to set the tone. With Grandpujols and the gang hitting balls to the creepy red puddles of Cardinals fans that pop up in the bleachers whenever they visit.
The Cubs had split two games in Cincinnati while the Cardinals were throttling the Phillies on the road. A sweep could mean a 4.5 game spread in the standings six days into the season. Great. This was going to to be tremendous. Wake us when it’s over.
Instead, the Cubs decided that they can’t really crush our spirits until they start to give us some hope.
So we saw a sweep, all right. The brooms were out on Sunday night, in HD on ESPN. Only the creepy mullet-wearing, red clad, Missourians weren’t waving them.
And who provided us (well, me, at least) with the first bona fide jump off the couch moment of the 2006? None other than whipping boy number one, Michael Barrett. Pinch hitting for folkhero Henry Blanco in the seventh inning of Satuday’s game, Barrett punched one through the wind for a game-tying homer. In the eighth, Derrek Lee would follow suit and the Cubs had pulled a win out of the jaws of defeat. Something we rarely saw last year.
In the postgame, Len Kasper pointed out that Saturday’s win was a game the 2005 Cubs wouldn’t have won, and not because of the homer. The win was made just as possible by four scoreless innings of bullpen work as by Barrett’s and Lee’s homers.
On Sunday night, they got four more (once Mike Wuertz was done letting two of Sean Marshall’s runners score.)
One thing about come back wins. They’re a heckuva lot easier when every time you chip away at the deficit, you keep the other team from adding on.
Jump off the couch moment #2 came last night, and was provided by whipping boy #2, Jock Jones. Down 2-0, Jock was up with two on and showing no signs of actually hitting anything hard (if at all), ever. But the portly Aruban knight left one out over the plate and Jock turned the boos to oohs. A blast to left center that bounced off the shrubs and then off the “skybox”, it gave the Cubs a 3-2 lead and Wrigley made that sound we just can’t get enough of. If any of the new concrete work on the bleachers wasn’t up to code, we’d have found out in that instant and Wrigley literally bounced.
At home, how did we know it was gone? We caught our first glimpse of the famous Jock Jones Pose. Sox fans know it well, because heretofore it was only seen when he was hitting season-turning homers against the South Siders for the Twins.
ESPN’s Jon Miller called the homer Jock’s “welcome to the Cubs moment.” Realistically, his welcome to the Cubs moment came a day earlier when he got booed, but we know what Jon means.
I’m sure I’m like a lot of Cubs fans. I want to like Jock Jones. I know he plays hard, that he cares and that he wants to win. I just think that his contract length and size is wholly out of proportion with what he’ll actually be able to provide. And, I’d like to see him stop swinging at everything.
Just like I’d like to see Michael Barrett get his head out of his ass behind home plate. His homers the past two days have been clutch. But I’ve never questioned his offense. He’s a solid hitter, in the past he was one of the few Cubs who will take a walk and hit to the opposite field (to be fair, the “new” Cubs have seven of them in the most commonly used lineup this season). I just don’t think he calls a good game behind home plate.
For example. I found the fifth inning Albert Pujols v. Michael Wuertz at bat to be excruciating. Through the whole at bat I kept waiting for Barrett to set up inside, just once. Pujols had figured out right away that he was going to get lots of sliders away. Just bust him in above the hands one time. You don’t even need to throw a strike on the pitch. Just let him know both sides of plate are open. Wuertz got ahead 1-2. Two chances to waste one inside. Two pitches later? Single to left field, two runs score, the lead is gone and Albert never saw a pitch on the inner half.
But as bad as watching that was. How great was the eighth inning? Ricardo Rincon walks Todd Walker on four pitches to start the inning. The Genius goes to his closer, Jason Isringhausen, to get six outs. This never works. Isringhausen is one of those guys who doesn’t respond well to leaving his comfort zone. On at least three occasions that I can remember the Cubs have faced Isringhausen in spots where he needed to get more than three outs and he’s been unable to do it any of those times. Last night was no exception.
Four pitches to Derrek Lee. Four balls.
Four pitches to E-ramis Ramirez. Four balls.
With Barrett heating up and Jock hitless going into the game, Dusty had flipped them in the order. Nice move. Barrett was up in an enviable spot. Isringhausen’s breaking stuff wasn’t coming close. He was going to have to throw Barrett fastballs. Barrett launched one onto Waveland, the place went silly and Ryan Dempster sprinted to the bullpen mound to warm up. A good time was had by all.
So the Cubs are 4-1. They could erase that by Thursday if they tried hard enough. But they’re not going to. We know the drill. They can’t vault us into a pit of depression until they’ve given us some hope. So that’s what they’re up to now.
And you know what?
I’ll take it.
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Somewhere in Scottsdale yesterday was a little get together that not too many people know about. A group of elite sportsmen got together and watched a little baseball. When the Philadelphia Phillies’ Bobby Abreu homered to win the first game of a doubleheader against the Dodgers, and then the Pissburgh Pirates held off the Reds, these men popped champagne corks and celebrated, their spots in history preserved for at least another season.
That’s right, every year Terry Adams, Larry Casian, Mark Pisciotta, and Frank Castillo get together to celebrate the only notable thing they ever did. When the final team(s) break through the win column every season and the Cubs 0-14 start in 1997 goes unmatched again, this band of losers is free to celebrate their own little slice of history. Again.
They’re the bizarro 1972 Dolphins.
Great job. You remain the biggest losers ever. Congrats.
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Dave van Dyck says it’s nice of the schedule makers to bring the Cardinals to Wrigley before the Cubs are already out of it.
Mark Prior is almost ready to start his simulated season. Which is sure to be followed up by another simulated All-Star start and a simulated Cy Young ceremony.
Jock has an interesting view of himself.
“I was getting booed [Saturday] when I was the worst player in the league,” he said. “Now I’m the best. I just go out and play hard.”
You’re still 2-16 aren’t you? I thought so.
The Cardinals are heading home to their new hay mow. I mean ballpark. I’ve seen the photos. I’m not impressed.
Groucho thinks the Bulls can trade their number one pick (not the Knicks’ one) for Corey Maggette. One week after saying that Maggette wasn’t a good fit for the Bulls. Hmm.
Mariotti puts down his doughnut to tell us about a baseball game he watched from his house last night.
A little known fact about Jim Hendry’s contract extension. If he is terminated before the end of it, he will be paid in pork rinds.
Deadspin wonders if everybody is having as much problem with the new MLB.tv as they are. From the first few GameCasts, it looks like Cubs’ fans are, too.
Basketball Jones points to a very good Jim Halpert April Fools’ Day “The More You Know.” I wish the Ryan the Intern “It’s OK to Tape Sex” one worked, though.
Peter King says that the Saints are in great position on draft day. Looks like they’re one position away from great position to me.
Jake Luft on the start of the baseball season. I was tempted to join the “Beat Jake Luft” league, but apparently you do not get to actually hit him. So why bother?
Karen Carpenter almost didn’t make her start against the Cubs Saturday because her back has been acting up. Showering with Lassie will do that to you.
America’s finest news source with some religious fiction you might want to pick up as an Easter gift.
“…if the Cubs are to win a World Series soon, as club president Andy MacPhail mandated Saturday in his bi-annual Come Off His Yacht address..”
That was a good line by me.
“…the baseball equivalent of Blue Cross & Blue Shield…”
I’m wearing this one out.
Who else wanted to punch Gammons in his face for airing his reports from the stands while sitting next to a Cardinal fan?
I like Peter Gammons usually, but the placement of him next to some Redbird trixie with her Missouri overbite was low. You’re in Wrigley, sit next to an honest-to-god Cub fan. The drunker, the better.
Why was Dempster used in all three of these games, when only one of them was a save situation? Its not late September, remember the early overuse of Chad Fox? That worked out well!
After being in the bleachers last night, I can safely say that anyone who claims Cubs fans are not devoted is a jackass.
I can’t believe how loud it was out there after Barrett’s jack, and it’s only April.
Does anyone know why Hairston has “34” on his hat? Did Wood’s arm finally fall off? Also, why does Jock Jones have “kp” on his??
Are you serious?
Andy, that’s funny. We had a similar celebration.
Andy neglects to mention that our bench this year is pretty damn good too, for a welcome change. Instead of seeing deadbeats and zeroes trotted out there like Lenny F. Harris, Augie Ojeda, Troy O’Leary, Todd Hollandsworth, and the King of the Absurd, Jose F. Macias…..now there are some legitimate bench players.
Hairston, Neifi, Mabry, Pagan and Bynum, with Barrett available when Hank starts. Just one somewhat-power hitter of that bunch other than Barrett, true. But Pagan, Bynum and Hairston can run, and have solid OBP. All but Mabry bring good defense to the mix. Most of these guys are solid contact hitters, too.
Very nice.
Sploosh, sploosh!
What’s worse than wearing ugly orange and black uniforms with a stupid cartoon bird on the hat? Starting out 0-21. The ’97 Cubs ain’t got shit on us.
Cubs Fan #6, you are an absolute moron.
I don’t expect a lot of action on Easter weekend.
Ah, I forgot he died, thanks
What was the deal in the 8th when the crowd all turned away from Williamson’s pitching to look at something happening behind them? It was the entire section behind home plate and what appeared to be most of the people behind the Cub dugout.
I was wondering that too.
Zed: I was getting my ass beat.
It also got the batter’s attention as well as the umpire, pitcher and catcher. At one point I thought that the camera was going to pan up there. What the hell. It was a Cubs/Deadbird game, it doesn’t take much imagination to figure out what was happening
I’m too much of a politically correct pansy-ass network to show a moran-fan getting slapped around like Lassie’s bastard lovechild.
Zed, that was me blowing on my rape whistle. That hussy with an overbite was touching me in my bathing suit zone!!!!
I hope MLB goes over the “don’t call a swing when they check, unless you’re 100% more sure than you should be” rule with home plate umps… It didn’t cost us on Lee or Lucky as it ends up, but it could’ve… and it could come back to bite us later on if home plate umps keep overstepping their boundaries and making jackasses of themselves (let alone Joe Morgan) on national TV.
As for the weekend, my favorite story came from the Score – apparently a dude ate a used urinal cake in the bleachers for $60 on opening day. I hope he got some unrecycled beer to wash it down with.
My wife was at the game, and she said there was an honest-to-God bitch-slapping fight between a guy and a girl which ended in them both getting tossed. As the guy was walking out, some dude gave him a face full of nachos. I think that might have been it.
I’m not dead if some of you wondered. But what a joy to start out the season with a sweep of the Red Satanic Red Fowl!
It’s scary but these Cubs actually look like a baseball team even though their manager and pitching coach are still ignorant incoherent jackasses who know nothing about the game of baseball.
You can actually say you like some of these guys on this team. The last couple years you had to convince yourself to at least cheer for a couple of them.
But having young guys like Cedeno and Murton give you new blood and energy to where a team catches fire and likes the game of baseball.
Who knows where this team will go this year? But they will give us some hope? Just watch for that kick to the groin.
Baker Basher
I am very useful when Baker Basher decides to torture us with his rantings.
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I’m Dave Chappel, bitches!
I just hit the first regular season HR in the new Busch Stadium. 2-0 Brew Crew!!!
I’ve called a press conference at Wrigley tomorrow at 10 a.m. D-Lee is gonna get his money.
I’m in Indiana today. Whom should I visit first: Paul or Baker Basher?
We’re doing a profile on fringe websites/message boards. Can we get a top 5 unwelcome interloper list for desipio.com? From the looks of it, ‘Paul’ and ‘Baker Basher’ are top rung.
Hey #29, don’t forget about me!!
“This weekend was three days of the good stuff. Three days that remind us why the Cubs are a combination of crack cocaine and being punched in the face by Bobby Brown and we are, forever, Whitney.”
Two sentances that remind us why the Cubs are a combination of jelly donuts and getting pissed on by top free agents and we are, forever, Hendry.
I love Desipio.
Time to remove me from the Desipio LInks.
I got $65 mill over 5 years 2006-2010. 5 straight championships starting now.
Remove the JM Watch from the links if you must. But once I get the time to watch some Sunday Night Baseball, I’ll hopefully post some more stuff. Actually listening to Joe takes more out of you than you’d expect.
If anyone wants to continue tracking Joe, I’m more than happy to let you blog away.