Money Man?  Like Don Money?The Cubs can not hit baseballs very well.  This is not something I freely choose to accept, but from watching many of their at bats this season, honesty compels me to say that if the object of the game of baseball is to hit the white spheroid with the cylindrical bat, the Cubs…they suck at it.

In years past, such ineptness reared its ugly head and it always ended the same way.  With the 63rd win of the season coming in the final week and Cubs’ front office people giving each other awkward high fives at the avoidance of joining the ‘century club’, something the Cubs will do in epic style in two years, regardless of when they win their 63rd game that year.

As a team the Cubs are 13th in the 16 team National League in on base average (.316), they are 10th in batting average and 12th in runs scored.  None of that is particularly good.

So how are they 14-10 with two consistent starting pitchers (one who’s 40 and the other who’s 12) and no offense? As of last week, the Cubs led the National League with a .304 average with runners in scoring position. 

So before the Brewers played the NYPD to their Amadou Diallo last weekend, nobody in the league was better at getting runners in from second or third than our beloved Cubs. With Derrek Lee out with a broken flipper and E-ramis Ramirez batting like the goal is to see how close to .100 you can get your batting average without getting booed, who the hell is driving in all these runs?

Early on it was Michael Barrett, but once the schedule became void of games with St. Louis he cooled off, then chunked a finger and we don’t know where this is going.

Jock Jones has a few lucid moments, but not many.

Ronny Cedeno’s driven in eight runs in 24 games.  So it’s one of (or maybe both) two guys.

Todd Arthur Walker has batted 14 times with runners in scoring position and he’s driven in 10 runs with seven hits.  Even I can do the math on that batting average.

Matthew Henry Murton has batted 23 times with runners in scoring position and though he only has eight hits, he’s driven in 15 runs.  His OPS with runners in scoring position is 1.136.

Dusty is big on categorizing players.  It’s how he used to make out his batting order.  All of that nonsense about how a fast guy has to lead off (even if he can’t get on base), your second baseman has to bat second (even if he’s Ramon Martinez), etc., etc.

He’s categorized Murton twice.  Last year he had him filed under “Albino rookie who can’t hit righties.”  This year he’s filed under “Ronald McDonald look-a-like who bats fifth and can flat-out rake, especially when you need it the most.” Let’s just say this year’s file is full of more fun stuff than last year’s.

It’s no secret that in these parts, we’ve had our problems with Johnnie B. Baker, Jr. over the years.  Hell, every page has a countdown to when his contract expires. 

But even I can’t help but be impressed with the way Dusty’s handled his psuedo-rookies, Murton and Ronny Cedeno.

Writing their names in the lineup every day seemed too much to ask when the season started.  We were all worried when useful bench guys like Neifi! and John Mabry were signed, because you figured that both would end up getting too much playing time at Murton and Cedeno’s expense.

So far, Neifi’s made one start at short, and Mabry’s made on in left field.

Dusty started the season with Murton and Cedeno hitting seventh and eighth.

A month later they hit second and fifth.

The Cubs currently have flaws you could drive the Madden Cruiser through.  They’re getting very little out of right field (and haven’t gotten much since Sammy sneezed in San Diego in May of 2004). 

Juan Pierre’s been lousy.  He hit .182 last week, which could have crippled his on base average, but it was already walking around on leg braces and is at a whopping .290. 

The second basemen haven’t hit since Todd Walker had to move to first, and E-ramis has been awful.  The starting pitching is a mess on days when Maddux and Marshall don’t pitch, and the back of the bullpen is much improved, but the squishy middle is especially squishy, with Will Ohman and Dave Aardsma sporting ERAs that look like the final scores of Bears’ games — 14-10.

Hey, 14-10!  The record.

By now we know the refrain so well we probably mumble it in our sleep.  “If the Cubs can just stay in it until Wood, Prior and Lee come back…”

But what’s the end of that? 

If the Cubs can just stay in it until Wood, Prior and Lee come back, what?  They’ll go 84-78 and finish fourth in the Wild Card?

The IF is a lot bigger than that.  IF they can just stay in it until Wood, Prior and Lee come back…AND

IF E-ramis hits like he did last year starting in May…AND

IF Juan Pierre starts to get on base more often than Endy Chavez…AND

IF Jock Jones improves his play to mediocre…AND

IF Will Ohman can get a lefty out…AND

You get the idea.  If Greg Maddux regresses (and as much as I love Greggie, I don’t see him finishing with a 1.25 ERA this year), and Sean Marshall struggles a little in his second go-round the league, and if Carlos continues to pitch as though a walk’s as good as a ground out… 

It’s true that 14-10 now, could turn into 50-30 down the road if guys start to come back from injury and the hitters who are struggling round back to form.

But it’s also true that 14-10 now could turn into 30-50 just as easily.

The only saving grace for the Cubs right now is that the NL is bad.  From top to bottom it’s weak.  The Mets have played like the best team in the league, but they’re relying on not one, but two fossils at the top of their rotation.  The Cardinals have slid back to the pack in the Central, and the West is bad.

While the NL waits around for somebody to emerge, the Cubs are waiting around for their reinforcements to arrive.  God forbid they ever get in position to take advantage of a situation like this.  For Christ’s sake, the Reds are, why not the Cubs?

In the meantime, we’ll continue to watch, because it’s what we do.  And we’ll just keep hoping that whenever the go-ahead run is standing at second, that Matt Murton is at the plate. 

That’s something.  Right?

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The Bulls are in a very interesting position as they play game five in Miami tonight.  For the first time since they flew home from Utah in 1998 with their sixth gold trophy, they have a chance to seize control of a playoff series.  (Last year they went up 2-0 on the Wiz, only to punt four straight.)

As much fun as the weekend was, all they did was what you’re supposed to do in a playoff series–win at home.  They had a good chance to steal game one in Miami, only to commit a flurry of (even for them) awful turnovers.  They fell too far behind in game two to make a legit run.

What was important over the weekend was how they won.  They have frustrated the Heat to the point where you expect one of them to pull the Reggie Evans-reach around-on Chris Kaman move tonight. 

How big of a loss would it be if Tyson Chandler’s sprained ankle keeps him out tonight?  The temptation is to say not at all, but the fact is he has an impact on the game, even when he’s not putting up huge stats.  Bill Walton said he’d never seen anybody impact another team while putting up the piddling numbers Tyson did in game four (one point, three rebounds).  Walton is intentionally over-the-top, but his point was well taken.  Tyson’s shot blocking presence has value, as does the fact you have to account for him on the offensive boards. 

But it’s not like if Tyson can’t play tonight that the Bulls are at that big of a disadvantage.  They are back in this series thanks to the play of two undersized shooting guards and a pair of small forwards.  Ben Gordon, Kirk Hinrich, Luol Deng and Andres Nocioni.

The best part about Nocioni’s impact is getting see his postgame news conferences on NBA-TV or ESPNews.  The NBA should package these things on a DVD.  No matter what he gets asked, the answer always sounds like, “I play with dee indensity on boff ends of dee court.  As yak herder back in Argentina, I learn to be aggressif.  You no aggressif wiff yak, you get runned over.”  It never gets old.

Here’s how long the NBA season is.  It’s long enough that Mike Sweetney is actually in some sort of shape.  I mean he wasn’t in shape before, he was one.  Round.  Now he looks like a slightly overweight man.  This is progress.  It still is not excuse for his godawful missed layup in game one, but at the very least it no longer looks like his shorts are likely to fall into a puddle at his feet while he’s trying to shoot a free throw.  That’s nice.

Perhaps the most curious thing about the Bulls right now is the fact that one sportswriter seems to think that Scott Skiles and Ben Gordon hate each other.  Nobody else seems to think that.  Barry Rozner is so convinced that Skiles is a completely out of control asshole, that I won’t be surprised if his column tomorrow reveals that Skiles somehow left the NBA to pitch at Wichita State and hit Anthony Molina in the head with a warmup pitch into the on-deck circle.  Give it a rest, Roz.

It’s to the point where the Bulls’ beat writers are all being asked about why Skiles and Gordon hate each other.  None of the writers seem to think they do.

Gordon used to play for Jim Calhoun at UConn.  Calhoun’s a horses’ ass of the first degree.  Gordon’s used to getting yelled at.  He never seems to mind.  Skiles yells at Ben, Ben lets it roll off his back, Ben scores 18 in the fourth quarter, Skiles acts like it’s no big deal, throws in a dig about Ben’s defense, and Ben scores 20 in the fourth quarter of the next game.  Just where is the problem here?  Do you see one?

The Bulls do not have a superstar, and so nobody gets the superstar treatment.  That’s a good thing.  It’s why they crawled back from 2-0.  Collectively, they knew they had to play better, and they did.  They didn’t stand around waiting for somebody to carry them.  The fact that Skiles doesn’t make the same mistake that most NBA coaches in a similar situation, is important.  There are coaches who mistake their best player for a superstar.  Not everybody is Kobe or LeBron.  Ben Gordon isn’t. 

Ben’s good, he’s fun to watch because he’s never met a shot he can’t make and watching him float one handers in the lane over big guys and watching them jump like a volleyball player waiting to spike, only to whiff as the ball arches over them and into the hoop never gets old.  But Ben’s not here to be coddled, and Scott’s not going to do it anyway.  It seems to work.  So what’s the problem?

 Len Kasper is now calling him The Money Man.  Hey, whatever it takes to score two runs against Pissburgh.

Jeromy wonders why the Cubs didn’t bring him back.  Hey, why bring Jeromy back for one year when you can clog up the position for three with Jock?

Danieal Manning can’t spell his own name, but if he’s anything like Chris Harris, we won’t mind.

Doug Buffone can unpucker for a moment, the Bears’ signed two tight ends yesterday, including one, from Oregon (Tim Day) who just might be pretty good.  He was a top prospect until last year when Gary Crowton took over the Ducks’ offense.  Go figure.

Groucho wonders why the Heat are so moody.

The Jockey says the bleachers are still fun.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say the Bulls are all grown up now.  Whatever.

Rich Hill says all he needed to get straightened out was some good AAA pitching coaching.  The sad part is that it’s probably true.

Sean Marshall?  He’s pretty good.  At least against he Pirates and Marlins.

Rozner makes no sense.  What is he babbling about, about the Bulls playing the Pistons?  They’re still a longshot to win this series, much less another one.

Freddy likes the ganja.

America’s finest news source on a grease fire that’s terrorizing the Midwest.  Keep it away from Freddy’s hair.