Pitching matchup:
Pissburgh: Zach Duke, 1-4, 4.50 ERA
Cubs: Angel Guzman, 0-0, 5.40 ERA
Lineups:
Pissburgh (7-20)
Chris Duffy, cf
Snaggletooth Wilson, ss
Freddy Sanchez, 3b
Jason Thunder Bay, lf
Jeromy, rf
Kerry Wood Doppelganger, 1b
The Great Ronny Paulino, c
Jose Castillo, 2b
Zach Duke, p
Cubs (14-10)
Lucky Pierre, cf
Ron(ny) Ce(deno), ss
Todd Arthur Walker, 1b
E-ramis, 3b
The Money Man, lf
Michael Barrett, c
Jock, rf
Jerry the Lesser, 2b
Angel Guzman, p
I’ve been getting a lot of errors while accessing Desipio today. Is there something amiss at the Desipio Towers, or is my computer/internet connection trying to off itself?
Brave!
…
WTF, what?
… Clark Gable! Er, brave!
It’s funny how Jacque’s play has gotten worse since that banner went up.
BraaaAAAiiiaaaaAAAAaaave?
Splat!
Personally, I prefer “Ronald McDonald look-a-like who bats fifth and can flat-out rake, especially when you need it the most.” for a nickname. But I guess that’s just too type, huh?
Live via satellite on today’s Lead Off man is Andres Nocioni of the Chicago Bulls. The Bulls are in Miami for game five of the first round playoff series, tied at two games each. Andres, welcome to the leadoff man.
ANDRES: Thank yak.
LEN: Any surprise to be even with the Heat after four games.
ANDRES: No. We yak very yak and play wif yak and sheepherder. Yak yak.
LEN: Is Tyson going to be ready to play tonight.
ANDRES: Yak.
LEN: How many English words do you know?
ANDRES: Twenty-yak.
LEN: How many do you know how to use correctly?
ANDRES: Four.
Should be our #2 hitter. Not saying Ronny isn’t getting the job done, I just fit the prototype for #2 hitter a lot better.
In Minnesota they cheered harder when I was struggling. Man, they cheered me hard last year.
Does “Clutch Raking Burger Clown” work for you?
How about just bat me in front of E-ramis for a while?
I have no idea where my pitches are going.
Ever.
That Jim Tracy sure knows how to fill me. And Tonk said I’m a hack!?
Looks like Angel Guzman could use some of that good old fashioned AAA pitching coaching.
We never get old.
Phrase of the day.
Thanks for the run guys. If you can just get me one more, we’ll beat these guys, I own them.
Uh, oh. You gave Zach Duke a one run lead? Oh, well. See you tomorrow night!
Did anyone see how much Angel’s hands were shaking before that 3-2 delivery? He’s not nervous by any chance, is he? Why would he be with our sage of a pitching coach behind him all the way?
We’ll get on that, just as soon as we wake up.
Look at all those empty seats.
Testing
#22, I wish the bases were empty…
Why would the Cubs part with me? I’m so good.
Pannozzo, get a release out about how the seats and bases are all filled to capacity! That’ll show those White Sox!
CT, you may get your wish…
Dont’ worry, John. I already showed them today.
Whoa, your pitcher gave me the second run? This is nice.
Enjoy my 7IP, 5H, 1R, 7K, 1BB.
Is that good? Or no?
This never happens in my simulated games. They always give me a new bottle of water and a fresh towel to snap every 15 pitches.
If you’re Kerry Wood, 30 pitches in an inning is pretty good.
I’m going to try to give up more runs than hits for a second straight start. You don’t see that much.
Imagine that. Move me to first base, the position least demanding of a throwing arm, and I finally start throwing like a Major League ballplayer.
Testing2
We’ve got one of the Cubs’ top prospects pitching in us today. Some young buck named Kelly Woods or something like that. We hear he’s super great!
See you guys real soon.
Damnit, Walker! Do it like I taught you!
I lead the universe in almost-beat-out infield choppers. Does that count for anything?
Or what the Cubs top three hitters will do this inning.
What, is it finals week here, too?
Look at me, taking pitches like a real lead off man. Maybe next I’ll get on base.
Oh, wait…
Todd got his middle name from me. His ability to grow a beard in three hours comes from his Aunt Fanny.
someone say testes?
Why is it that more than a staggering majority of Major Leaguers always loaf into second base after scorching one of me? An extra 90 feet wouldn’t be too much to ask.
testing12
Or my ability to grow a beard in three hours.
testing13
Did somebody say beard?
Someone should remind Aramis that this is a walk year (if he wants). He’s giving us nothing.
I ain’t goin’ no place!
testing14
Tribune will get rid of the cubs now. Look at all those empty seats.
testing15
Cheer me, bitches! I just caught a fly ball! In Minnesota they’d give me a standing ovation for such a feat.
You can stop now.
Stay away from me, Reggie.
Do I have an annoying double audio track for anyone else?
testing16
Actually, the Test messages are from the web host support guy. He’s trying to fix all of the 404 not founds and 500 internal server errors.
yes, that’s why I’m “testing” here
Testes 1-2-3, hey, thank god Aardsma isn’t around anymore, eh?
My mother should have had an abortion before I was born.
See our pitching coach in action there? Tells the youngster, “uh, er, I dunno, just get ’em out 1-2-3”. What a luxury we have in our dugout.
[waving] Hi, Web Host Support Guy!
Andy, sorry. I take that back.
Ginge Power!
Another six foot single.
I’m not actually a good pitcher. It’s just that I face the Cubs so often, my season ERA drops by almost an entire run. If it weren’t for these guys, I’d just be another Eric Milton.
When are you bitches gonna start calling it the Matt Murton Trade instead of the Nomar Garciaparra Trade?
I’d change my number again, but I can’t decide if it should be 6-4-3 or 4-6-3.
I got robbed. You can’t boo me for that. They would have cheered me for my effort in Minnesota for that.
MurTon’s new nickname? Anyone?
… that was 5-4-3.
I would like to only pitch against the Cubs.
(Aramis Ramirez, Jacque Jones, Todd Walker, and Juan Pierre approach Cubs hitting coach Gene Clines)
Aramis: Yo, coach, we struggle against Duke.
Juan: How do we figure him out?
Gene: ???
Jacque: I didn’t know it was possible to actually enunciate question marks. Damn, we’re screwed.
Todd Walker: Hey, waitaminute, you’re a professional athlete! How did you know the word “enunciate?”
mlb.tv is allergic to me, apparently.
Man, Angel made me look bad there. I wasn’t even close.
No comments on these wild pitches from the peanut gallery?
Grab some pine, Jase.
That’s why we don’t need your ass, Burnitz.
With a 4 run lead, I could start pitching right handed, bitches.
Burnitz just homered to end everything. When that happens, you know you suck.
There’s no way we’re scoring five runs today. No way.
I’d pitch under handed, but I heard you guys got rid of Corey Patterson.
Bob Brenly just described me to a near-T. Sleep through the first 45 minutes, watch the last 3 minutes. But really. Who watches 3 minutes of professional basketball? Who watches ANY professional basketball? Gag.
I was brought up to hit against LHP, right? Jacque Jones is 1 – 16 against LHP, right? Just checking.
So if Angel gets shelled a couple more times, I’m assuming that we’re bringing Jerome back? Do we have any other minor league pitchers that are even close to being ready?
Jim Hendry should be beaten with a sock full of quarters for getting into this mess.
Who says Pierre grounds out all the time? See, he can even bunt and make an out without it being a groundball.
Which is what this game is.
Someone has to throw a ball to get me to wing?
Why don’t you all suck at once?
The Burnitz homer is something that happens… It just hurts that it was after striking two guys out.
What is inexcusable and really hurts are the two runs in the first off of an uncontested stolen base and wild pitch. That’s A bullshit.
We’re throwing wild pitches?
You realize thats Michael Restovich you’re talking about. If you want some boiling stomach acid, sure, why not work him into a platoon? Then again, I don’t imagine Jacquelyn is doing much to help the stomach acid.
I just set myself on fire on the mound in the bottom of the ninth to hand the game to the Reds.
That Test Guy seems to have fixed the problem I was running into, by the way.
Hey, go easy boys… Tonker’s just picked me up in the Desipio league. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do not question me Fucklenborg.
Hey, go easy guys… Tonker just picked me up in the Desipio League. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh, has anyone mentioned that we set a franchise record for wins in April? No!?! Why not? You fear me and my mullet! We’re going to win it all this year! We’re going to win the Super Bowl!
Feck, arse, bollocks. Damn site problems makin’ me look like a foo’
We’ve seen a lot of bad pitching, but in his two starts, I can honestly say i’ve never seen a Cubs’ pitcher who can look completely unhittable one minute then absolutely groove one like it was set on a tee the next.
He’s like the bizarro love child of Greg Maddux and Paul Kilgus.
Steve Buchele.
Drink!
Unfortunately, Andy, the bad is giving up runs today, unlike the last start where he got lucky. I just don’t think Guzman is ready for this level yet. He struggled in AAA, and is struggling here. You’d think someone would figure that little piece of info out in the Org. But, anything’s better than Glendon Rusch. It’d probably be 8-0 by now if he was pitching.
Speaking of struggling, when is Aramis going to start hitting? How many dollars per hit is it so far? Just wondering.
Nuns! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!
Well, there ya go. A hit! Let’s hope he’s not hurt now. Guess he hasn’t had many opps to work on that slide thing.
Whoops, there I go…
I looked up just in time to see E-ramis speeding up to get to second on what should have been a stand-up, no throw to the bag, double, and figured, well, “Time for E-ramis to go on the DL.”
Would it kill him to hustle? Just once? Apparently he’s OK this time, but…guh.
Where did the ball go?
See, now that’s an RBI if either Wilson doesn’t get it or there’s only one out. I’m counting that on my HWEqBA.
Can I borrow a dollar?
Oh wow did I speak too soon.
I had a whole minor league pitching report typed up in response to whoever it was that asked if we had anyone else in the pipeline ready to come up, if needed.
Page Cannot Be Displayed ate it right up. Guh.
Sorry guys, but it should be no surprise that I’m a (Zach) Duke fan.
Though I’m perfectly content for the Cubs to get to the Pitt bullpen after 7 shutout innings and pull out a win in extras. Also content for Ronny to run wild – and if I’m able to pull off a trade for Murton then I may not miss a gamecast the rest of the season…
Now back in the cave I’ve been living in since Tyrus Thomas single-handedly crushed my hopes and dreams. I’ve got Wi-fi though, so could be worse…
A word unknown to E-Ramis. Ever.
Except to the buffet table.
My second backwards K.
You’re welcome, Guz.
I’m sending you a message, Jacquelyn.
You’re right, Len.
114. Just post a blank message. That’ll cover everybody else who is ready to help.
What the hell am i?
I still jerk off manually.
Standing ovation for Jacquelyn.
I’m SO much better than Kelton, Holly and Dubois.
Thanks for the CASH.
Let me guess, Jock tried to pull a ball on the outside of the plate, and hit a grounder to short?
I have no idea how I was able to recover this. Other pitching candidates in our minor league system:
Jae Kuk Ryu: 5 GS, 1-2 3.72, 29 IP 25 H 3 HR 12 BB 23 K
I have no faith in Les Walrond, but he’s at least pitched decent so far: 5 GS, 3-1 2.57, 28 IP 25 H 2 HR 13 BB 19 K
In AA —
Carlos Marmol: 5 GS, 2-1 2.63, 27.1 IP 20 H 0 HR 10 BB 30 K
Juan Mateo: 5 GS, 1-2 2.42, 26 IP 22 H 2 HR 10 BB 18 K
In A —
Sean Gallagher: 5 GS, 2-0 1.84, 29.1 IP 28 H 1 HR 8 BB 29 K
The server’s just pressing and trying too hard right now. You can’t get on it for that. It’ll heat up and it’ll be contagious.
one of me is imminent
Hey bro!
Eyre’s not going to be able to look at the server until after the game. Sorry, guys.
Just how hung over do I look?
I here to make poop in our pants!
Foomp!
A double switch? Damn, we’re screwed!
Spot!
That was an amazing throw from Jacque Jones.
Well, we did it again.
Hey, look! It’s Big Spot (sniff, sniff)… Whoah boy.
A team that can’t win 30% of its games is toying with us right now. They’re doing what the fuck they like to us.
Our bowels empty involuntarily when we are under pressure or scared, hence the poop jokes all the time.
Murton, Barrett, Walker, Maddux, Marshall, Cedeno, Eyre, Williamson, Dempster, Howry.
10 out of 25 guys being at least somewhat productive.
The other 25? Not so good.
Do I even have the slimmest understanding of the concept of the strike zone?
Murton, Barrett, Walker, Maddux, Marshall, Cedeno, Eyre, Williamson, Dempster, Howry.
10 out of 25 guys being at least somewhat productive.
The other 15? Not so good.
Aaargh! I’m back!
NSBB isn’t attempting to buy out Desipio, are they? Maybe we need an ad with every other comment to shore up the bugs.
What would really fix the problem are emoticons. That or Paul’s pre-teen peers.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHhahahhahahaha
…in a f-ing row!
Lay on the F5 key to help the server.
MLB.TV, Desipio and Yahoo Fantasy Baseball, it’;s slow all over the internets today
Is more likely than the cubs pulling out a victory now.
Any other chumps pick both Lee and Ramirez for the fantasy teams a month ago?
I stopped paying attention after Jeromy’s dinger. Sandy Koufax should give Duke his uniform back.
Against the Marlins, Brewers and Buccos are how to win divisions.
Wait, no… Nothing to see here, go home.
Losing 3 games by a combined score of 33-2 against the Brewers and Pirates really blows.
If I, hear Len and Bob crying about Lee being out of the lineup once more I’m gonna start watching the Sux! There are 9 players on the feild you’d think somebody could score some runs. They’re just rolling over and playing dead! Somebody get on base!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, I was smart enough to know not to have 2 cub offensive players on my team.
I did pick up Z though…
Um… can someone please put us back on? This is really embarassing, but… well… we seem to have fallen off.
Drafted Aramis.
TRADED for Lee. The trade went through the day the music died.
needless to say, my team “Ihaterafaelfurcal” is 9th place out of 10.