Pitching matchup:
Washington: Ramon Ortiz, 0-4, 6.30 ERA
Cubs: Kerry Wood, 0-0, 0.00 ERA (Midwest League All-Star 2006)
Lineups
Washington
Alfonso Soriano, lf (leading off? really?)
Marlon Number One, 2b
Nick Johnson, 1b
Daryle Ward, rf (The Daryle Ward? Really?)
Ryan Zimmerman, 3b
Marlon Number Two, cf
Wiki!, c
Damian Jackson, ss
Ramon Ortiz, p
Cubs
Unlucky Pierre, cf
Red, lf
Disgusted Bat Flip, 2b
Michael Barrett, c
Jock, rf
Neifi, 3b (batting sixth? guh)
John Mabry, 1b (should retire if he’s batting behind Neifi)
Ron Ce, ss
Kerry Wood, p (if he can stay healthy through eight Cubs outs)
The game hasn’t even started yet and I’m already trying to decide if I’m more exasperated by Neifi batting sixth, or the Cubs giving away fucking Dodgers jerseys at the game today.
I hate John McDonough and his cadre of Scope drinking assbags.
It all starts with the line up
“(if he can stay healthy through eight Cubs outs)”
Simple. Elegant. Sad as hell.
Who’s Mark Buerhle?
Don’t get too excited about this young pitcher you have starting today. I’ve seen him throw 100 simualated games, and you haven’t.
First Sock to demand an up check the ball tomorrow gets a loogie ball in the eye.
After third out:
Dusty (turns to Larry): Why’s everybody coming off the field?
Larry: I have no idea.
Freddie Bynum: That’s three outs!
Dusty (looks at scoreboard): Well, I’ll be.
Larry (looks at pitch counter): That can’t be. Kerry hasn’t thrown 30 pitches yet.
I thought I was like the Easter bunny and Santa Claus
I’m sorry. I’m still a bit groggy after attending last night’s game, but I swear I just read on mlb.com that Wood had an 8 pitch first inning.
YAHOO!!!!!
When did we trade for this Kerry Wood guy?
Hey bitches, I’m up to .273!
Honestly, you’d better take a picture of the scoreboard when he bats this first time. That average is going to dive like TribCo stock.
Well, I’m convinced. Get me Wood’s agent on the phone, time to talk extension. What? Yes, of course I want a doughnut, don’t be stupid.
I have just reported that Kerry Wood only threw 8 pitches in the first inning. Please replace my batteries.
Looks like we’re in mid-season form.
Is it a bad sign when you try to bunt for a hit and the shortstop has to call off the left fielder to catch it?
Wood sucks. You’re supposed to show the other team all your pitches in the first inning. And by that I mean all 47 of them.
Since when do we get televised?
More Vicodin! My back is killing me! Not as much as my team is though.
They don’t televise them, stupid! You have to be committed like me to see them.
(That’s right, they hold them mainly in the exercise yards at nuthouses all around the Midwest and Mid-south.)
Days since anything thrown at our rightfielder:
1
Better get the ‘0’ ready.
I think this lineup could go 54 innings without scoring a single run. I also think Ramon Ortiz is the worst starting pitcher (besides Rich Hill) in baseball.
Over/under on number of innings before a Cub crosses the plate: 27
I’m a Hard Core Rally Killer from the streets bitches! Duck!
I’d put the Jock sign in right, but that’s where we’re putting the tribute to the 1968 Tigers, as part of our “let’s celebrate shit that didn’t happen to the Cubs” 2006 tour.
I’ll take the over
As part of our celebration of Jackie Robinson day, we have installed some coloreds only drinking fountains on the main concourse. Of course we don’t allow coloreds to buy tickets at Wrigley, so they’ll go unused. Much like the white “W” flag does.
John, when’s my jersey day commemorating my Cy Youngs from ’93-’95?
Did they just show a little girl holding up a sign that said:
“K – Give me some Wood”
Better get Dateline NBC on this…stat!
Would it be wrong to hit the guy with the sign that said “quit booing our Cubs” with a baseball?
On Sunday we’ll commemorate the Rookie of the Year seasons of Cubs’ farmhands Eric Hinske and Dontrelle Willis.
Just make a “start fucking yourself” sign and stand next to him.
Apparently Kerry didn’t get the memo that the only way the Cubs can have a chance to win is to shutout the other team.
In addition to John McDonough getting fired along with Andy McFuckface, he should be severely beaten by me. The evil bastard has made a living on perpetuating all of the things about Wrigley that offend the True Fans.
May he rot in hell.
Ball. Game.
Marlon Byrd has an on base percentage 140 points higher than his batting average. That’s unpossible.
I think Bob needs me if he thinks that pitch was out away or down. Can you say heart of the plate Bob?
I can never get enough of watching Jock throw the ball back to the cutoff man from 20 feet away and seeing the ball bounce nine times as it rolls aimlessly towards the middle of the infield. That’s good stuff.
Jock Jones’ arm is as good as mine was.
Home run.
Base hit.
Wild pitch.
Now this it the Kerry Wood we’ve come and known to love since game seven.
Uh oh, looks like we’re coming off…
How do I look so far (any radar reading)?
Passed ball, no?
Desipio-sanctioned Michael Barret Bashing beginning in 3…2…1…
I hope his career ends as abruptly as yours did, Ralph.
…Thank God. Attention Dogs and Cats, you can now go back to living separate lives and no longer need to live together.
Well, the solo homer was clocked at 90, but the two run shot was 93. How’s that for velocity?
Well, we’re down three. No need to waste any runs today.
How does that intentional walk thing work? You mean we could’ve put Jackson on with Mikey standing wide of the plate for four lobs and then pitched to the pitcher instead? Shit, dude.
I’ll fire this team up. Just find me somebody smaller than Dave Roberts to yell at.
Damian Jackson?
Really?
When, exactly, did Kerry Wood become the “when the going gets tough, my testicles crawl up inside of me” kind of pitcher? Way to buckle down, bro!
I told him he shouldn’t be at the concert.
This is just bad luck.
Did you see that first inning?
Just think, I could do that 4-5 days a week the rest of the season, one inning a day.
Asking for 2+ is clearly pushing it.
Dusty didn’t want to intentionally walk Jackson because those pitches wouldv’e counted against Kerry’s pitch-count.
Dude, this is like Kerry’s spring training, you can expect to see April Kerry oh, sometime in September
You have to like the intimidating close up of Carlos on the backstop ad board.
I have infield power! That’s why I bat 6!
At lunch I bought the most ridiculous bobblehead ever. It’s Rex Grossman, wearing a suit and a Bears “trucker hat” holding up a Bears #1 jersey to commemorate the 2003 NFL Draft. The most spectacularly lame bobblehead ever, and I could not resist. I just go an e-mail from FedEx confirming that my Dwight Schrute bobblehead has arrived safely at my house. It’s a banner day, indeed.
This weekend isn’t gonna be alot of fun, is it?
I told myself after the Milwaukee series that I’m not watching this team once until Wood’s first game back. I thought it was a good idea at the time. I was only half right.
My new labrum seems to enjoy giving up homers.
Another homer? Fuck this. I’m off.
I’m actually crying.
This is the best Glendon Rusch imitation I have ever seen
Andy, if you need somebody to swing by the house and pick up the Schrute, I’m going to be free here in about five minutes.
Michael Barrett said in an interview this morning that we “could see some crazy stuff” today. He was right.
Dudes, I said we need a LEFT-handed batting practice pitcher.
And he’s supposed to pitch to US.
I was sent down in place of this guy?
Dusty should’ve pulled Wood after the 1st inning to maintain some trade value
I’m crashing throught the floor with every Kerry wood pitch.
Which excuse should we use to not go, washing our hair or dead mother?
I’m crashing through the floor with every Kerry wood pitch.
Fuck Ryu.
Wood looks like he’ll be healthy enough to last eight outs.
you can go to Comiskey this weekend and boo the Cubs without fear of reprimand from Todd Walker.
At least he hasn’t given up a few of us. That’s good right? Right? Hello?
I’m going with colonoscopy. It’s certainly more enjoyable than watching this team.
I rested my arm yesterday and I’m liquored up if you need a pitcher for the 6th and 7th.
Worst.
Slide.
Ever.
Sadly, this is the first time since I can remember that I wouldn’t even take free tickets to see the game this weekend.
He made it!
Watching a tape of somebody else’s colonoscopy is better than watching this team.
Hey, that first inning was great. Let’s move him to the bullpen. Or Detroit.
My mild-mannered ass got ejected in Moranville today.
I give Jim Hendry a colonoscopy with every AB.
Drag Chuck’s tired ass out of his seat and send him out there to tell Wood “I told you so.”
The guy from Korn who threw out the first pitch had better stuff today than Kerry and more tattoos than Damian Jackson.
WTF kind of name is Wiki?
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee….ewwwwwww, yuck!
When was the last time a Cub hit one of me at Wrigley?
A couple hours ago
And I’m not smiling, bitches, I just have big teeth.
And I’m looking like Cy Young right now. Back to reality bitches!
Freddy? i thought you were a minor leaguer…
Does Russ Ortiz = Mike Torrez and does Jock = Dickie Thon?
Oh crap, I’m at 2nd base. Run on anything. Run on anything. Run on anything. Run on anything.
Hey! Isn’t this Washington pitcher supposed to suck? Oh thats right… we make anyone look good.
Jock sure is a Dickie.
Neifi Perez batting 6th? 6th??????? I’m telling you, that is reason enough for Dustbag to get fired. I don’t care that he puts Murton in the two-hole and Cedeno back to 8th (warranted). When you put Neifi freakin’ Perez, who looks like a human Pez-dispensor, batting 6th, you’re not really trying to help much, especially with (gasp) Mabry behind him.
Damn, sure looked to me like that fly ball of Ronny’s was gonna drop.
I know this sounds crazy, especially with Kerry Wood pitching, but he is throwing too many good strikes today… This performance begs the question about which is worse: Walking two guys and then giving up a homerun? Or giving up two solo homers and a two-run goner because your fastball is right down the middle?
…
Hey Joey…
Come on, BC, get my back here, buddy. Barrett’s setting up all wrong back there.
6 K, 0 BB
Once again absent from today’s game.
Yeah 103, and the play was pretty good also.
> Walking two guys and then giving up a homerun?
3 runs
> Or giving up two solo homers and a two-run goner because your fastball is right down the middle?
4 runs
He’s right! The 2nd one is worse!
Do we ever hit a ball hard?
has left the building
Enjoy my Wood-like talents.
Don’t panic, I’ve got a couple more saviors up my sleeve.
Jimbo if you’re referring to us you are sadly mistaken my friend.
…doubled. That helps my fantasy team.
And Jim has some of us on his sleeve.
Savior the flavor, boys.
My year is going so well my back injury is barely even mentioned in the papers. The trainers won’t let me in the whirlpool.
I’m on cruise control right now bitches
Shhhh! The Cubs are sleeping.
I think that if Kerry was throwing too many “good” strikes, he was getting lit up because his fastball wasn’t moving. Doesn’t matter if it’s 84 or 97, if it’s straight, it’s going to get hammered, even by Damian Jackson.
The thing I like best about Dusty and the way he uses his guys out of the bullpen is that there is no rhyme or reason as to when and where he uses his pitchers. He could be up by 2 or down by 8 and you’ll still see the same guys in the game. I fully expect to see Dempster pitch the 9th today even if the Cubs are down by 12.
Rhyme? Reason?
Is this a…rally?
Demps gotsta to get his work in dude. Same goes for the rest of the ‘pen. Gotta give my boys some work or their arms will fall off from rust. Right, Larry? Larry?
F-you Andy. And I held on that single by Mabry (or “Mayberry” as Santo calls him).
Put me in! I’m ready! I’m sharp!
I’m itching to run!
Welp…see you doges in September
Now do I let Ohman hit for himself or send up Freddie or Jerry? What would be the difference? Is anyone really paying attention?
Whew! Didn’t fuck that one up this time! No balls being thrown at my face today!
Somebody woke me up
Time to make like Kirk Gibson meng!
This Mabry a rally.
Check out that power!
Here comes the rally-killing dribbler to short!
Jackie Robinson’s daughter sounds kinda hot (on the radio).
May need a pinch runner. Don’t want to strain my back and/or ass. Meng.
Stupid. Tired.
Pudding! *zzzzzzzzzzz*
ps: aren’t you glad you don’t have me as manager?
Me too.
Typical. Pierre is just not good. He’s fast, he works hard, but he swings a wet noodle.
All you numb-nuts on this board who croaked for nearly two years for the Cubs to get Juan Pierre raise your hands. This guy makes me look like Rickey Freakin’ Henderson.
Me three!
I never get old, though!
I could do 3 shaves in the time it takes my comments to load!
I appear to have a taken a dump. Not unlike the Cubs.
Does it piss anyone else off that our announcers are wearing Dodger jerseys? Giveaway or no.. fuck that shit.
Ok, so f*** Fast Freddy, when was the last time a cub hit one of me when it mattered?
I look like Nic Cage in “Con Air” in my team photo.
Hey we just work here, ok?
I’m itchin’ for a big hit so I can strike my pantented pose!
Hey #146, probably when I went grand yizzle on the Wild Izzle weeks ago.
Well I’ll show off my other pose: running to the dugout after a hard out.
Please be sure to stop by on Wednesday, September 6th where we will be giving away Roberto Clemente Pirates jerseys.
We also gave away Babe Ruth jerseys on April 28th.
Go Pirates and Yankees!
What this might have been had Dusty chosen to walk Damian Jackson in the 2nd and pitch to the pitcher instead of letting Jackson hit a bomb.
You know, this promoting the other teams thing is a good idea, considering the current batch of Cub players. You aren’t exactly seeing anyone wanting a Freddie Bynum jersey.
“Cub stuff? We don’t want any of that shit.”
Hey, we really know how to look at the bright side. We need to STFU.
Those are my jerseys. Not those of the fucking tommy fucking lasorda team in that shit hole of a city. My history was almost as futile as the cubs. On top of that, we were relocated out of existence.
and it’s cheaper than getting players with jerseys people would want. you have to pay those guys millions!
I’m so stacked: Hairston, Bynum and Blanco.
Plenty for Dustbag to choose from, no?
I rake.
If the Cubs didn’t sign me I’d be raking too. Your yard that is.
I just crashed Game Cast.
The Dodgers were in contention and in the World Series pretty frequently in the ’40’s and ’50’s. The same cannot be said for the Cubs.
I want my money back.
Could we get one of these for Lucky?
Much like your posting
Juan Pierre sucks.
Back at .302 lifetime, female doges.
If I were 10 inches shorter, that would have actually been a strike.
.301 and holding.
“It’s up to Jock Jones”
Even I sound disgusted.
Much like this entire Cubs “organization”
I can do it!
Es up to meee cabrones!
Freakin’ Neifi.
WTF??!?!?!??!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!
ohh… I didn’t do it… but by going 1-5 I did raise my season average! And I lead the team in LOB!
Did I just bunt to end the damn ballgame???
Did Neifi just try to bunt for a three run homer?
I was going for an inside the infield homer… I have infield power.
Behold the remarkable power that is Wonderboy.
Shoot me
You know, just because someone is playing third, that doesn’t mean they can’t bat eighth. Neifi sucks. He makes Maybry look like a good option. At least Maybry migh be able to hit a homerun. A bunt for the third out with the winning run at the plate. Are you kidding me?
Thats how bad it is when something like that happens. It’s so gut wrenchingly disgusting that it’s funny.
That’s it…I’ve seen everything. Fire Dusty…fire McPhail…fire Doughnut Boy…fire Messmer…fire Nuts on Clark…fire the Budweiser sign on the roof…fire the grass in the centerfield bleachers…fire Darren Baker…they’re all a bunch of assbaggin’, nut-grabbin’, booty butter lovin’ shitheads. I quit. I’m done. I love the Astros.
That’s good stuff.
I’m going to go take a nap forever.
Guh.
What’s worse, watching your overweight sixth place hitter try to beat out an ill-fated bunt with the tying runs on base and two out in the ninth, or the fact that your sixth place hitter is Neifi Motherfucking Perez?
At least we know what it’s like to actually be below rock bottom.
Having satisfied the “unecessary bunt” method to end a rally/game. We are now investigating other new methods, such as “the triple steal” and the “intentional balk”
I think that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.
It may be an unpopular opinion, but I blame me.
That did not enchant anybody’s puppies.
From now on, I have no brother. When you visit our mother, I want to know a day in advance so I don’t have to see you.
Now, I don’t want anyone booing anyone here. We’re bunting the ball hard, but sometimes they go right at people.
… me and my stupid hat, that is.
I think I’m gonna be sick…
Awww! haw! haw! haw! haw! haw!
I think I’m gonna barf!
Would it be wrong to hit the guy with the sign that said “quit booing our Cubs†with a baseball?
Did the show that schmoe on TV? He was about 15 rows behind me. Told him, “Let them win first!”
Boy Howdy….It sure is nice to be back! Thanks Dusty.I missed you guys.See you this weekend!