There was a time, not long ago, that the Neifi Perez screeching bunt of surrender would have had me in hysterics that would have put my television in great peril. I would have thrown a shoe or a remote or the cat through the TV. Yesterday it was met with acceptance.
Yes, acceptance. I’m going to admire the Chicago Cubs for what they are. The biggest bunch of dumbasses in the history of dumbassedry. They have set the bar so high that no one will ever again reach the heights of stupidity and general incompetence that they exhibit every day. You could probably get a foundation to award you a grant to watch this shit every day. Future civilizations would do well to study the record of the grandest collections of intellectual misfits ever assembled. They’ll likely wonder why we called two of the dumbest humans ever Neifi Perez and Dusty Baker when clearly their real names are Neifi and Dusty Ostrolopithicus.
It was really quite a day at the old ballpark yesterday. Kerry Wood made his annual “first start off the DL” and looked like Greg Maddux for one inning, then Mike Maddux for the next four.
Dusty Baker basically called E-ramis Ramirez a “pussy.”
Damian Jackson (yes, THAT Damian Jackson) hit a two strike, two out pitch, with the pitcher on deck for a two run homer.
The Nats pitcher, the previously winless and always emaciated Ramon Ortiz not only got his first win, but he nearly beat out a bunt on Neifi Perez, who was filling in for Dusty’s feline friend at third base.
That bunt obviously planted a seed in Neifi’s very small brain (it’s a seventh the size of a normal man’s—it’s science).
Neifi was batting sixth. Sixth! Neifi is batting .197. Ronny Cedeno, batting eighth, is hitting .282. See, you bat Neifi higher in the order so he can bat more times. Is that right? Genius!
Did I mention that counting Wood, Neifi was the worst hitter in the Cubs’ lineup yesterday (though it’s a real race between him and Juan Pierre), and he was batting sixth?
E-ramis pinch hit in the sixth, drove in a run, then broke up a double play with all of the force of an elderly pomeranian. Inspiring stuff, really.
Remember, and we know this from years of experience, nobody luxuriates in an injury like E-ramis. His sore lower back is likely to keep him from doing anything that might cause him to break a sweat for about 100 games. Good stuff. Can’t get enough of that, really.
So Dusty called him a pussy? Well, sort of. There were a lot “dudes” in there. But basically he said that “we’ve all had lower back stuff”–whatever that means, and then went on to say that E-ramis will always need a better hitter than him in the lineup for him to do anything. That’s encouraging. I hope E-ramis doesn’t strain anything carrying his enormous pay checks to the bank twice a month. Better get him fitted for a truss just in case.
By now you know how the game ended. The Cubs, showed–for them–surprising spunk and came back from a 5-0 deficit to put the tying runs on first and third base. Jock Jones even walked–yes walked!–during the “rally” in the ninth. With two outs, Neifi came up. All 4,700 fans who hadn’t gone home were wild with ecstacy at the mere thought of Neifi doubling into the gap and scoring both runners. OK, nobody was wild with ecstacy. In fact, most of the fans were trying to decide if Neifi would ground out to second or pop up to the catcher.
So what does Neifi do?
He bunts.
At the third baseman.
Way too hard.
He gets thrown out at first base by 87 feet.
Drive home safely. See you tomorrow at Comiskey where 40,000 meth fiends will be waiting to remind you that they are cool, not just because they have mullets, drive Camaros, own homes with wheels on them and wear Members Only jackets, but because they don’t root for the most pathetic sports franchise in the history of the Earth.
Nope.
We do.
Phil Rogers is an inspiration to many people in this world. Though he has a proven, tested, IQ of 17 he writes a column for one of the largest newspapers in the free world. Today’s incomprehensible blather apparently contains his selections for the “All-City” team, as if anybody cared any of the other eight times he’s conducted this ridiculous and pointless exercise. Not only is it unreadable, but you can tell he totally half-assed the whole thing, anyway. He was probably in a hurry to change four words in it then get paid for it again at ESPN.com.
Teddy G. gives Ron and Pat an A for chemistry, a B to Len and Bob, a way too high C for Farmio and Ron Leflore or Chet Lemon or whatever former Sox two-testicled outfielder works in the radio booth, and he advocates that Hawk Harrelson and Darrin Jackson be beaten to death with a nine-iron.
Both Dusty and Michael Barrett say that Kerry threw too many “good strikes.” That’s what they get for letting him go over the hitters with Glendon Rusch before the game.
Frank Robinson was surprised Kerry didn’t throw any curveballs. I was surprised that he gave up three homers and didn’t drill any of the Nats in the head.
Chris DeLuca (who is almost as smart as Phil Rogers) compares and contrasts Dusty Baker and Ozzie Guillen as managers. I got a headache just thinking about this, much less trying to read it.
Wait, it’s supposed to be a big story that the Sox laughed at the Cubs when they watched Ryan Dempster blow a save last Saturday against the Padres? Who didn’t?
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say that the Cubs are going to be treated rudely by the Comiskey faithful. The real question is whether if one of the Ligues ran onto the field and started punching Jock Jones if any of the Cubs would come to his rescue?
The Wizard of Roz wonders where Kerry Wood will go from here. It’s an either or. Either the DL or Yankee Stadium.
Pat Forde on Heisman hopeful Brady Quinn.
I like Sports Guy, but this piece of crap about why the NBA is better is the worst kind of half-assed analysis. He’s right when they say that getting rid of clutch and grab defense has helped, but the rest of his theory is…weak.
Kelly Dwyer sure does seem to pick on Tim Thomas a lot. Hey, I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it…
I think we just found the biggest asshole in college baseball. Check out this video of Arkansas catcher Brian Walker pretending to get hit by a pitch. If I was the pitcher the next one would have hit him right in his fat ass. But what really happened was even better.
America’s finest news source on Isiah Rumsfeld…er, Thomas. What’s always bothered me though is why would you hire somebody to run your team when he can’t even spell his own first name?
If you’re going to sell the HBP to get on first base, then SELL IT!
I hate Arkansas…I guess that kid didn’t get any from his sister last night. It’s hard out here for a pimp…with all kinds of bitches jumpin’ ship.
Andy, what the hell is your schedule, dude? Mang, you write columns all sporadic-like. Sometimes it’s days between doses. Sometimes your spot-on 1:00. Now, 10:15? I guess I’ll take my Doses when I can get ’em…whenever that might be. Oh, I still can’t get over Neifi batting 6th. You know, if Dustbag has Mabry in that slot (yes, Mabry…but, I’d put myself in the 6th hole over Neifi and I’m mildly retarded) we at least have a wiffing chance…wha?
Just saw that Walker kid, dumb as a bag of hammers, blames the ups all the time…. Why, I think we have us our first round draft pick!!!
In a nutsack, don’t get too pushy or Andy will unleash one of me….
Whooooooaaa…easy now. Didn’t mean to seem pushy. Last thing we need around here is a pledge drive. What we need today is some line drives…
Does anyone have an answer to who the Cubs will DH this weekend? Is this why Tony Womack was signed?
I’ll DH two games, probably. My money is on Freddy Bynum for the other game.
Freddy will probably play defense and Todd Walker will DH for that game.
Is D Lee sure he can’t swing a bat with a cast on?
Oh.
My.
God.
What a #$!&ing idiot. IF you’re going to fake it, really fake it. Dumbass.
Holy shit. This kid will sell anything… and then continue to sell it after selilng it does him no good. I need to hire him.
And if that’s his reaction to getting tossed, I can only imagine what it’d be when I say “Youuuuuurrrrrrrre FIRRRRRED” to him in the middle of the ring.
Seriously, The Rock has nothing on this dude, other than a marginal amount of acting ability.
Ha Ha!
I honestly don’t know how the ump kept from lauging at that clown or pummelling him. That’s embarrassing.
Like orgasms! *gigglez* Did you know I’m not a virgin?!?!
Hey Andy, we’re always wild on ecstasy.
…oh wait…with…nevermind
Johnny Cash is the shit.
“They have set the bar so high that no one will ever again reach the heights of stupidity and general incompetence that they exhibit every day.”
You’ve underestimated us.
I am the way into the city of woe.
I am the way to a forsaken people.
I am the way into eternal sorrow.
Sacred justice moved my architect.
I was raised her by Divine Omnipotence,
Primordal love and ultimate intellect.
Only those elements time cannot wear
were made before me, and beyond time I stand.
Abandon all hope, Ye who enter here.
I want to wear it to Sunday’s game!!!
#19, couldn’t be more appropriate. It would make a great t-shirt with a photo of Wrigley Field below the description of hell from Dante’s Inferno.
Q: How do you circumsize someone from Arkansas?
A: You kick his sister in the jaw!
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