Proving he has a pulse (no matter how feint), Cubs GM Jim Hendry made a Blockbuster trade today, sending Jerry Hairston the Lesser to Texas in exchange for Phil Nevin a preowned copy of the Chronicles of Narnia DVD and a jumbo box of Junior Mints.
Nevin, tearing up the junior circuit to the tune of a .216 batting average is excited about the chance to bitch about a lack of playing time for his third team in two seasons.
Everything I’ve heard is that Dusty Baker is a player’s manager and I expect that since I’m a player, I’ll play every day and if I don’t, then you’re gonna hear about it. I have a very shrill speaking voice and I say ‘bro’ a lot, so get used to it. I also hate catching, even though I ended up having to learn to catch when I washed out with the Astros, but I don’t like to do it. If I have to do it, I’ll bitch, bro. I also wear sunglasses all the time. Get used to it, bro. I’m really excited about being a Cub though. This is gonna be great. I’m gonna turn things around 360 degrees, bro.
Yeah, this is going to be great.
On paper, this move makes sense. Nevin is, as Rick Pitino most famously said, “multiversatile” and can play first, third, both corner outfield spots and can catch, though poorly. But then again, not any more poorly than he plays anywhere else. He also will fit in to a Cubs’ lineup that is running short of guys trying to jack every pitch off the rooftops. So if you missed that, well, it’s like Christmas for you. Only shittier.
This move should be good news for the Cubs. Nevin can play first base until Derrek Lee comes back, then platoon in right field with Jock Jones. We know Jock can’t hit lefties with a canoe paddle, and Nevin has an .873 OPS against lefties this year. Which isn’t great, but a damn sight better than the .669 OPS he has against northpaws.
But, you know that’s not going to happen. No, Nevin’s going to steal at bats from both Todd Walker and Matt Murton. Murton and Walker are only the only current Cub hitters with a clue, and it’s not like Murton needs all the development time he can get. Instead, you’ll see Nevin at first most nights until Lee gets back with Walker on the bench and new Dusty fave Tony Womack at second. Then, when Lee comes back, Murton can sit next to Walk while Nevin flails around in left field.
What’s worse? Fearing that it might happen that way, or pretending it won’t, but knowing it will?
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Mouse over the photo, bro. Priceless.
Phil Nebbish. I remember when he played for the Paducah Pushovers. I think that he was their designated runner. He wasn’t fast but he didn’t mind getting his uniform dirty.
Hey, I got a shout out in the Dumbass Du Jour! Wait, that wasn’t very nice, was it?
“i’m going to turn things around, 360 degrees bro”
Tremendous.
So Nevin is going to help the Cubs? This is the best Jim hendry can do? You have to be joking…. Hairston never got a real chance here and now, this will take Walker out of the lineup to let Womack play second and Nevin first until Lee comes back?
For Walker’s sake, let’s hope he’s the next one out so he can actually play.
“We explored every possibility the last month to add a bat.”
Which, you know, means we called the Pirates, Marlins and Rangers. And we went with the Rangers because the first two told us to go to hell.
Apparently you didn’t see my son jack a homer and a three run double off lefties last night you ignorant little son of a female doges
What the hell is this garbage I wrote today. Who wants to read about the fact that I was gone for a month (and trust me NO ONE NOTICED) and it coincided about the Cubs tanking. I get paid for this?
http://chicagosports.chicagotribune.com/sports/columnists/cs-060530morrissey,1,2535576.column?coll=cs-home-utility
The Dose today…short but fucking sweet. Brilliant stuff.
I second what #1 says, that’s hysterical.
do you even know when youre being sarcastic anymore?
Do I still count as leading the Cubs team?
Well if you adjust for playing in the AL in a bandbox with real hitters supporting him, his CRBI (Cubs RBI) total is 6
Jerry Hairston didn’t get a chance to play? Are you freakin’ kidding me? If you couldn’t tell by May 2005 that this guy isn’t a very smart player (or good one for that matter), I don’t know what game you’re watching. As a buddy said, we’ll miss those headfirst dives into first base on close plays and the failed bunt attempts. We’ll miss him trying to pull every pitch into left field and swinging from his heels. No we won’t.
Is someone really complaining about Hendry turning a .204/0/4 hitter into a .216/9/31 hitter for 375,000??? Get a grip! Nevin may not be a superstar, but he will do more for this club than Hairston did!
I think moving Womack to the bench and supplanting FFFB as Dusty’s go to-troll late in games is a good thing. It’s actually a very good thing. We get to have Walker back at 2nd and Neifi goes back to super-sub role also. This improves the team slightly. 75 wins should not be considered unreachable. We can only hope…
What the hell is 75 wins gonna get us? A lower draft pick? I’d rather pick in the top 3-4 than mid-first round.
So when Lee comes back in say three to four weeks and Nevin goes to the bench, what happens? He becomes a complainer like he was in San Diego and Texas about his playing time.
Time to pull the plug and start the fire sale. Everyone goes but Lee and Cedeno
dont trade murton or zambrano either…….one has fiery hair and the other has a fiery personality……but this team needs to have a fire lit under its collective ass right now
Is someone looking for fiery hair?
What do you want me for? You end up wasting me on crap players anyway.
We resemble that remark, #20.
At lunch I heard Gerry Fraley from the Dallas Morning News talking about the trade and his exact words were, “I’m surprised the Rangers were able to find a breathing human being to trade for Nevin. He’s done. Completely done. I guess the Cubs will enjoy having his sunny personality sulking in their clubhouse the rest of the year.”
Now that is a ringing endorsement.
But I’m not so sure Jerry Jr is human, so Hendry may have the last laugh.
Will my site ever be updated?
Shut the fuck up you pricks. I’m gonna dominate in this town. PLAY ME GOD DAMN IT!
Jeez, how may times in a carreer can a guy be traded for a washed up prick of a slugger?
Buddy?
We’re just waiting for you to get another hit, Hank.
according to my putrid statistics, if i batted one thousand times this season i would get seventy hits. tell me thats not pathetic! what? ok im going back to sleep.
*snore*
Time to dominate AAA batters again.
*throws seven scoreless innings of two-hit baseball with 14 Ks and no walks using only 86 pitches*
*falls back asleep*
Rich, you’re just like me…..Million dollar arm, ten cent head.
At least I had a decent catcher teaching me, you have that idiot Barrett back there
Rich, looks like your ready to be called up to me
hey andy, gerry fraley is a fat douche bag…warrants mentioning. it’s not like you guys gave up anything. i thought d’angelo jimenez was spanish for jerry hairston anyway. we now have 4 2Bs…neat
and it’s good stuff.
As of today I am no longer a Desipio member…..
Good.
Who the fuck is Milkhammit Ali?
A recurring dipshit character
Got Milk?