You have to be pretty petty to enjoy someone else’s pain. I, apparently, am petty as hell, because watching Albert Pujols limp off the field Saturday was the most satisfying thing I’d seen in a Cubs’ game since…well, I suppose the Scott Rolen-through-the-wickets move the night before was close.
Actually, I’m one of those fans who doesn’t like it when a rivals’ best player goes down. I want my team to beat your team and for you to have no excuses. But as Pujols reached up in vain for an E-ramis Ramirez foul ball, then grabbed his side, I thought of all those red-faced, red-assed Redbirds fans who couldn’t hide their pure joy at the sight of Derrek Lee’s broken wrist replay. I thought to myself, “you know what would be cool? If old Albie is out for a month or two.”
Well, what do you know.
It was kind of a rough weekend for fans of the Satanic Red Fowl.
First, the baseball world was rocked when news out of Texas came that one of the all-time greats was going to be joining an NL Central team, in a move that would inexorably alter the pennant race. But enough about Phil Nevin.
Roger Clemens announces he’d be dragging his increasing corpulence back to Houston for another run at a wild card for the Astros.
Then, the Cardinals blow a two-run lead in the ninth and lose in the 14th to a team that at the time had a lineup with Neifi Perez, Freddie Bynum and John Mabry in it. Ouch.
The next day, the world’s greatest 60 year old slugging prodigy tore an oblique muscle and baseball fans all over are just sick about it.
Fans are saying things like, “It’s bad for baseball that Albert won’t be able to make a run at Barry’s single season homer record or Hack Wilson’s RBI total.” Which translates to, “It’s too bad that a guy using steroids nobody can detect in a urine test can’t break a homer record held by a guy pumped full of more drugs than a syphillitic donkey or an RBI mark set by a raving alcoholic.” It is too bad. Boo freakin’ hoo.
The Cubs, proved that they’re still the Cubs, by managing to lose to the Cardinals on Sunday without Pujols. Instead of capitalizing on it and cutting three games off the lead in three days, instead they cut one game off the lead. Not that it matters, you could let them cut nine games off the lead and the end of the season won’t change. Three games against the Rockies at Wrigley, the announcement of a new franchise attendance record and 71 wins. Hot damn, it’s going to be great.
Yesterday, we went to check out the new Vince Vaughn-Jennifer Aniston movie “The Break-Up.” I think they should have stuck with the original title, which was going to be, “Wow, check out how fat Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau are now!” Seriously, It’s a movie in which three of the male “leads” (Vaughn, Favreau and Vincent D’Onofrio) have bigger racks than Jen does.
Is it funny? It has some genuinely funny moments in it. But not a ton of them. It does manage to continue Vaughn’s streak of movies in which he inexplicably ends up with a microphone to about 19. Those are always funny moments.
I knew the movie was a dud though, when I spent most of my time trying to figure out which Cubs’ games they were at, or were watching. One of the most prominent ones was Sergio Meat Tray’s gem when the Cubs beat Roy Halladay and the Blue Jays. E-ramis and Derrek Lee get nice closeups in the game, and you see Jerry Hairston very nearly collide with the right fielder on a pop-up, and I think, though I could be wrong, that the right fielder is Matt Lawton. Anyway, you see the problem.
Cole Hauser is in it and plays a guy named Lupus, probably a shout out to Timmy Lupus, or maybe Kordell Stewart, I’m not sure. Jason Bateman plays a guy named Riggleman, which is just wrong. He should have been Elia, or at the very least Gomez. Oh, well.
The movie is disappointing. Jennifer is, as always, very nice to look at, but I found myself not caring if they got back together. The fact that Joey Adams is still being put in movies made me want to slam my forehead through the back of the seat in front of me. So far, the only reason she has a career is that she’s slept with Kevin Smith and Vaughn. What’s next, Brett Ratner? I shudder to think.
All in all, the movie’s not terrible, but it’s not very good, either. Len Kasper’s voice is in it a lot, but while Linda Cohn and her enormous gums are in the credits (she’s the SportsCenter anchor the night of Sergio’s game with the Jays), Len goes uncredited.
Actually, come to think of it, you see both of Sergio’s good games from last year, the one against the Marlins and then the one with Toronto. So unless you’re Sergio Mitre’s mother, there’s really no reason to rush out to see this movie.
By the way, I forgot to mention that Peter Billingsley (Ralphie from A Christmas Story) and the Old ’97s are both in the movie. Which coupled with the inclusion of the Cubs and Notre Dame as key part of the plot should have made it impossible for me to not like. Oops.
Leave Albert alone….my steriods are just as good and undetectable!!!!
I haven’t been this upset since the last time my cousin broke up with me.
I’m so gay.
We cried ourselves to sleep after Derrek Lee got hurt. We hate seeing players like that go down, even when they play for our rivals. It’s bad for the game. And this is the response we get from you Cub fans when our star player goes down? It’s a shame you don’t have as much class as us, but we’ll give you a standing ovation anyway because we pity your lack of character.
You forgot to mention Vaughn’s character’s last name: Grobowski. Too bad they spelled it wrong.
Also, I didn’t really get why D’Onofrio was in the Christopher Walken role. Of course, I also expected him to take out an M-16 and shoot Vince Vaughn, but what do I know?
I didn’t really find the singing scene around the table that amusing either. The actor who started it was the guy who was most famous for playing Letterman in the HBO movie, “The Late Shift”. Who could forget the scene of this guy playing Letterman while throwing baseballs against an archery target in his backyard? I know I haven’t. Letterman railed against this movie for weeks (because his character had red hair and did stupid things like throw baseballs at an archery target) and actually booked the actor on his show, only to bump him at the last minute (intentionally, and with pleasure).
I’m flattered that the people of Saint Louis would spend $300 million to build the exact same ballpark…just 40 years later.
1) Hot as hell, that day that Meat Tray outdueled Haladay.
2) Sounded to me like Cardinal fans began booing Isringhausen when he led off the 9th inning with a walk to Jock yesterday. Such great fans indeed.
But man, it’s really starts to smell on those hot days in July. There’s nothing like the odor of stale Old Style and piss to make you forget how bad the Cubs are playing.
why neifi batting second so much recently?
is there something magical or lucky about batting .200 and batting in the 2 hole? It does following Baker’s “unusal” managing style.
Baker will bat Neifi in the leadoff spot once his average drops to .100. joy.
Obviously, Pujols’ inability to get the HR record is not going to make
or break or really even affect the overall state of wellness of
baseball. The assertion got me thinking though, what are some things
that really are bad for baseball. I came up with just a few.
1. Labor unrest
2. Bud Selig
3. The Yankess payroll
4. The Marlins payroll
5. Hawk Harrelson
6. “World Champion Chicago White Sox”
7. Bonds on Bonds
8. Steve Stone (otherwise, he’d still be here. Right?)
9. A.J. Pierzynski
10. Jim Edmonds
11. Jose Canseco
12. The balk
13. The designated hitter
13a. The American League
14. Rock music theme-songs for hitters (or entering relievers)
15. Any non-organ music in the ballpark
16. Fan voting for the All-Star Game
17. Tim McCarver
Instead of capitalizing on it and cutting three games off the lead in three days, instead they cut one game off the lead.
You mean, each game is worth two? Stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Um, yea dude. When you’re playing the first-place team, each game is essentially worth TWO games.
Nice list!
18. Pink Hats. (esp. pink yankee hats)
19. Scooter the talkng baseball cartoon on Fox Sports (“a change up goes SLOW”)
20. “Corona” defense
21. ESPN’s latest reality Series: Bonds on Bond, staring Barry Bonds and Roger Moore in hot dude on dude action.
22. Pooch at the Park day.
23. Ronnie Woo-Woo
24 the soccer commercial that uses “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” as theme music
What’s wrong with the balk?
I swear to God I just said “I think the Pink baseball cap is a good look,” in tonight’s Giants Marlins game.
What can you say about me now?
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Oh great.
We’re back.
25. That stupid little choo choo train on the left field wall in Houston.
Okay class, since Chuck is a fucking twat I have to break this down Barney style.
Let’s pretend the Cardinals are 3-0 and the Cubs are 0-3. The Cardinals have a 3 game lead on the Cubs and they are about to enter a 3 game set against the Cubs that could potentially put them 6 games ahead on the Cubs.
First game of series: Cubs win, Cubs down 2 games to Cards.
Second game of series: Cubs win, come within 1 game of Cards.
Now if the Cubs win the third game, they are tied with the Cards, however if they lose they go back down to 2 games behind the Cards. This essentially means that this third game is worth 2 games in the points standings.
Well the Cubs lose the third game and go two games back. That sucks, if they would’ve won they’d be tied now, but Chuck’s ridiculous math still wouldn’t ever save this fucking team from actually captalizing when the best player since Yastremzki is hurt.
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26. Joe Morgan
27. The way the national media seems to assume that the rest of baseball comes to a screeching halt whenever the Yankees and Red Sox play
28. The torrid love affair between Dusty Baker and Neifi Perez
29. Joe Morgan
30. The guy who does the bad Ronnie Wickers impersonation on Desipio
31. sushi sold at concession stands in California ballparks
32. Joe Morgan
33. Umps overpolicing the game to the extent of warning both benches if an inside fastball comes anywhere near a batter
34. Joe Morgan
Points standings? When did baseball adopt the points system to determine a division leader?
Somehow you manage to understand that when a team has the same amount of wins and losses as another they are tied. Lets make this simple for the Card’s fans. You won the division because you won more games than the Cubs and Stros the last couple years. Not by some elaborate points system you morans dreamt up.
Pujols going down gives your team a chance to show they can win without him. The Cubs cannot win without Lee and I am sure Lassie is going to choke without Pujols around and I am sure Rolen’s shoulder is going to fall apart at any moment. We will see how much class you have when you miss the playoffs because of injuries.
Edmonds is right behind Pierzynski on the list. Coincidence?
If Joe Morgan is evil enough to appear four times, that should bump him up to the top ten.
Scooter is the love child of Peter Puck and Freddie the Football.
was another game they filmed during …
My seats were upgraded because Vince Vaughn and Favreau were sitting in them.
Carlos Lee lit up Maddux and the Cubs for 2 HR that afternoon.
Hottest game I’ve been to in years.
Dammit to hell, not the Cubs. I’m going back to Clemson.
Dear Mrs. Ryder (my second grade math teacher):
I suggest you ask Andy about my comment. There is some perspective to it that you clearly lack.
How are things back at Highland School? Glad to hear you are alive. You’ve got to be about 102 years old now.