Oh, what a weekend it was for the Cubs.  After that thrilling win on Saturday, which featured a game-winning homer by Jock and a game-ending 1-6-3 putout on glacially slow Ross Gload, the Cubs rode homers by powerhouses Carlos Zambrano, Neifi Perez and two from Angel Pagan to win two of three from the White Sox.

Oh, wait, that’s right, Ronny tried to barehand Gload’s dribbler, then Ryan Dempster crapped the bed with a walk to Jermaine Dye and gave up a game-losing three run jack to AJ Eyechart.

For a moment there I almost forgot how “your pants fell down while standing in an elevator surrounded by nine year old girls, a sherrif’s deputy and the guy from Dateline NBC” humiliating being a Cubs fan has been since…well…uh…ever.

So the Cubs managed to salvage one game in the over hyped series (mainly over hyped, because the hype should only been applied when you have two bona fide big league teams playing, not one bona fide team and one that might place seventh if you drove them to Ames for the Special Olympics this week.)  The Sox took four of the six games played between the two and you honestly have to wonder “How’d we ever win two?”

But there’s a guy I have a bone to pick with about Saturday more than either Dusty or Dempster.  I want to address the fat, bald jackass who laid face down on the dugout roof after AJ’s home run.  You sir, are a pathetic, posing, nincompoop.

 Yes, nincompoop.  I’m breaking out the big guns.  The Cubs are lousy, and they’ve been lousy since the second full week of April.  You do not get to act like you’ve just been kicked in the nuts, you should have expected this to happen.  You do not lay face down on the dugout and hope the Fox cameras find you.  You sir, should not be metaphorically kicked in the groin…it should actually happen.  Repeatedly, and with much vigor.

I watch our beloved Cubs with a sense of detachment and almost bemusement.  I want them to win, but I find it interesting and somewhat entertaining to see the myriad ways they find to lose games. 

Alas, moments like the one yesterday when Ronny Cedeno dove for a grounder only to have it hit him in the ear, followed by Matt Murton running at the ball while pointing at second base and for some reason trying to plow over Neifi (maybe Matt was just trying to get Neifi out of the lineup), don’t happen that much.  Mostly the Cubs don’t lose in spectacular fashion.  They’re too inept to do that.  You have to have a lead to blow one, and frankly, they don’t get those too often.

I assume, of course, that given the Cubs current red hot status (one win in a row) that today’s the day that Dusty will be given a 12 year contract extension.  How can you let a man of his moral fiber and intellectualism get away?  It’s not like he made his only All-Star go back out to pitch an extra inning on a sore knee yesterday, or anything.  Nah.  Dusty’s not going to run Phil Nevin out to play left field nearly every day, or try to find 500 at bats for Neifi in a futile, and ill-conceived attempt to win a few games to save his job.  Dusty will not do that.  I guarantee you that.

What Dusty will do is push his one consistent starter, run Phil Nevin out to play left field nearly every day and try to find 500 at bats for Neifi in a futile, and ill-conceived attempt to win a few games in an attempt to get a new job with a new team next year.  Yeah, you need to lock greatness like that up.

 Actually, you need to lock greatness like that up and throw it into the middle of Lake Michigan.

When the rumors started to fly out of New York last week that Alex Rodriguez probably wouldn’t finish out his contract with the Yankees, I knew that somebody would start an A-Rod to the Cubs rumor.  It makes sense.  He’s a great player, maybe the greatest player in the game today, and he has never done well in the clutch.  It’s like he was born to be a Cub.  How better to save your legacy and shake the stigma of not being able to rise to the occasion, than to play for a team that never provides the occasion?

So who runs with the rumor?  Our old friends at the Blow Cubbie Sunshine Up Your Ass Society, old Al Pollyellon himself.  He didn’t even have the courtesy to make up a good rumor.  Just E-ramis for A-Rod with maybe Jock thrown in. Come on, you can do better than that.

Over at the four-letter messageboard they are most likely trying to figure out how they could trade for A-Rod then flip him to the Reds for Adam Dunn.

Should the Cubs have the inclination, or the brains, they could start building the 2007 team right now.  Instead, their rotund general manager seems to think that the only trades they would be allowed to attempt are those of the “fire-sale” variety.

Jim Hendry took a heroic stand yesterday and said that he would not be party to a fire sale.  He can say this for two reasons.  First, it’s not like other teams are banging down the door trying to get any of the Cubs’ losers onto their rosters and second, because frankly, he’s not creative enough to know how to plan a season ahead.

How disappointing has the Hendry era become?  It started off with great promise.  In his first full season he pulled off a substantial trade before the final week frenzy of the trade deadline and then the next year he pulled off a go-for-the-gusto deal for Nomar just minutes before the deadline.

Since then, he seems to have lost his way.  But maybe he never really found a way.  Maybe the trade for Kenny Lofton and E-ramis was a fluke?  Maybe, in the end, Theo Epstein really did pants him in the Nomar trade after all (hey, didn’t the Red Sox actually win the World Series that year?).

For all of their ineptitude, the Cubs do have some players who are of tangible use to other teams.  Neifi is not one.  Nor is Glendon Rusch.  We keep urging them to trade Jock Jones before his inevitable slide back to the land of .260 with 70 RBI, but they’re not listening to us.

But there are players out there who a team willing to take on a big contract or two could have.  We know Jim Hendry likes Miguel Tejada.  He’s available again.  It’s not that Miguel can’t hit, he certainly still can (.317, 17 HR, 67 RBI), it’s that he’s complaining about being in Baltimore again, and they’re less than enamored with his range at short.  He’d probably have to move to third, with Ronny staying at short, but that wouldn’t be so bad, would it?

If the Cubs really wanted A-Rod, they likely could get him this offseason.  They’d have to pay him, of course, but somebody is going to take him off the Yankees hands and put him back at shortstop.  It will be somebody willing to pay and smart enough to know that he’s got a lot of great years left at his real position.  Since the Cubs are cheap and dumb, it won’t be them.

A-Rod’s in a unique situation.  He’s a great player, and the Yankees appreciate it, but the fans don’t care.  They still see him as A-Fraud, and all they know is that they haven’t won a pennant with him around (and they aren’t likely to this year, either) and they’re blaming him.  He strapped the lightning rod on when he signed that gi-normous contract, so he brought some of this on himself, but no amount of grand slams against the Mets in July are going to change it.  He has to come up huge and the Yankees have to go to and win a World Series to get the fans off his ass. 

The way the Dodgers are collecting shortstops, they’ll probably be the ones who pull it off.

Speaking of Dodgers and shortstops (former ones, anyway), the biggest National League All-Star snub has to be our old pal Nomar.

How can you be hitting .361 with 10 homers, 47 RBI and have an OPS of 1.011 and be Nomar and not be an All-Star?  I know Phil Garner is dumb, but come on.

Similarly, how is fat Bobby Jenks and/or Mark Buehrle an All-Star, but Francisco Liriano (9-1, 1.99 ERA) not be? 

Buehrle and Liriano have the same number of wins, I guess Liriano needs to give up seven runs in the first a couple times (like Buehrle has) to make it next year.

Did Michael Barrett get snubbed?  Not really.  Brian McCann’s been better, and the people forced Paul LoDuca onto the roster.  Barrett’s good enough to be on the team.  Now he just needs a well placed foul tip before next Tuesday night.

Also, just how old is Pedro?  He fell down and hurt his hip?  Better get some of Albie Pujols’ magic side balm, that’s cure him right up.  Albert, which one is it, the tube marked “clear” or the one marked “cream?”

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John Paxson and Scott Skiles spent a perfectly good Saturday in Detroit, so their pursuit of two-demensional, aging power forward Ben Wallace seems to be legit.  Wallace is said to be upset at the Pistons for “low-balling” him with their first offer.  I’d like to be lowballed at $49.6 million, especially if I couldn’t make a jump shot.

Signing Wallace only makes sense for the Bulls if they’re trading Tyson Chandler away.  Wallace is better than Tyson, of course, but you can’t play them together because on offense it’s like playing three on five.  Apparently, the Bulls have dangled Tyson in trade talks for guys like Troy Murphy (loves the trey) and Carlos Boozer (loves to snooker blind men in contract talks).

I think Murphy would do well in Chicago.  It’s true he’s become obsessed with the outside jumper, but he actually responds to coaching (not that he’s getting much from Mike Montgomery), and is tough inside when “suggested” to get in there.  He and Skiles would get along just fine.  Troy’s not real athletic, so defense is always a problem, and that’s the concern, you’re already hiding Ben Gordon, can you hide a seocnd player?  It’s likely the main reason Wispy Gonzaga is a Bobcat and not a Bull.

Speaking of multiversatile basketball players, Eddie Griffin managed to cause a traffic accident while “drunk and watching a pornographic movie” in his SUV.  I guess it’s just a different kind of car jacking, eh?  Oh, I crack me up.  So does the name of the Minneapolis Police Chief who is also being sued by the owners of the grocery store where the incident occurred.