Sunday night I sat down to watch the ESPY preshow. No, not the one where a one-eyed “anchor†said words like “hizzy†and “peep†but the one where what used to be the National League ballclub in Chicago played the Mets with a real determination to embarrass themselves more and more each day.
As you know, they accomplished that mission. All they needed was the president in a nut hugging flight suit standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier.
The worst part was that in order to watch the Cubs continue a months long pants wetting, I had to endure the Sunday Night Baseball crew of Jon Miller and Joe “The Anti Christ†Morgan.
If I had to do it. Then gawdamit, so do you.
They couldn’t even make it through the pregame.
Miller said of Dusty Baker, “As a cancer survivor, Dusty considers every day to be a gift.â€Â
I have no problem with that. I just wish Dusty would open his presents under a tree in somebody else’s town.
In the top of the first, in a bit of foreshadowing that would have made even Alex Garland cringe, Todd Walker and Ronny Cedeno botched a pop up and let it drop for a single. Granted, the screw up was far more Ronny’s fault, but Todd would make up for it. Though the sun had little to do with it, Joe blamed it on just that.
“Some guys wear those sunglasses on their hat so they can flip them down when they need them.â€Â
What? How the hell would you wear flip down sunglasses on top of their hat? What flips down, the bill of their caps? What is Joe talking about? Why am I writing in all questions?
Later on that inning, El Duque was labeled a “craftsman†by Joe.
If by “craftsman†he means that El Duque can sail a truck from Havana to Miami, El Duque is his man.
Joe then plugged right along to figuring out why the Cubs offense sucks. In a rare moment of (simplistic) clarity, here’s what he came up with.
“If you look at the averages, the Cubs’ isn’t much worse than the Mets. But the Mets get walks and drive in runs.â€Â
Nice job, Joe! The Cubs average is .265, the Mets .264, but the Mets are tops in the NL in runs scored, while the Cubs are last, scoring slightly less often than Calvin Schiraldi at a nudist colony.
Good news though, by the time this game ended the Mets had raised their team batting average to…approximately .417.
Joe then stopped the (relative) roll he was on, with this:
“Derrek changes the dynamic of the Cubs batting order. Yesterday, they won because Derrek was in the lineup. Glavine pitched around him in the eighth and the Cubs scored four or five runs.â€Â
First off, Derrek was in the lineup on Friday and the Mets had little problem beating the Cubs. Secondly, Tom Glavine didn’t make it through the sixth inning, much less the eighth. Thirdly, the Cubs scored five runs in the sixth and four in the seventh.ÂÂ
Think about this for a second. Joe Morgan is a highly paid baseball analyst. He was actually at the Cubs-Mets game on Saturday. Can’t he take a friggin’ note? Can’t he remember basic details about a game played like 26 hours earlier? How lazy is this guy? Why is he so highly paid again? Why are his eyes yellow? I’m doing it again, aren’t I?
In the bottom of the first, ace baserunner Matt Murton gets picked off first, but umpire Wally Bell can’t swing his fat ass around fast enough to see it, so Murton is ruled safe. Morgan’s observation goes from interesting to pointless in a flash:
“A lot of times, the first baseman or third baseman will alert the umpires that they’re going to try a pickoff. Pete Rose used to do it all the time. So the umps can cheat a little.â€Â
What? You mean that while a runner is standing on a base, the first baseman will wander over to an umpire and flash some sign language? What’s the signal, they make a hook with a finger, stick it in the side of their mouth and pull?
Pete used to “do it all the time� Do what? Gamble on the Reds? Get two dollar haircuts? Forget to pay his taxes? Autograph his subpoenas?
In the bottom of the second, after Sean Marshall hit his first Major League homer (on a sweet swing, by the way), ESPN shows Phil Nevin sitting next to Greg Maddux in the dugout. Nevin is looking less like a pornographer lately since he shaved is ‘stache, but he’s not wearing a t-shirt under his jersey which is just so damned creepy. You half expect the guy from Dateline NBC to pop up saying, “So you brought a six pack of Mike’s Hard Leomonade with you to meet a 14 year old girl?â€Â
In the bottom of the second, El Duque gets pulled after giving up five runs and throwing 68 pitches to get five outs. Normally, if the Cubs see 68 pitches it means 34 guys batted.
In the top of the third, new “sideline†reporter Bonnie Bernstein shows up to regale her with her new baseball knowledge. She refers to a chat she had with “Mike Barrett†so yeah, she pretty much flunks.
Bonnie is smart enough though to not turn her head to either side, meaning that the 14 viewers who have never seen it still won’t know that she’s got a honker like a toucan.
Bonnie also is sporting a “top†that looks very much like the saddle that someone would put on a small dog if a monkey were going to ride it like a jockey. So yeah, she’s looking great. We don’t miss Erin Andrews at all.
In the bottom of the fourth, Joe says (I’m not making this up), “I think the ivy is thicker than when I played.â€Â What? Oh, shut up.ÂÂ
In the top of the fifth, Joe says that although Eli Marrero is having a tough year pinch hitting (he’s 1 for 20, he’s having a rough year like Al Zarqawi), he’s been a “good pinch hitter in his career.â€Â
In the past three years, Eli has nine, count ‘em nine pinch hits. That’s very good. If he batted 20 times. (He batted 39 times.)
ESPN then shows Omar Minaya sitting in a “luxury†box with what looks like Pedro Martinez’s slightly older brother on his lap. I don’t want to know why.
In the bottom of the fifth, blind folk singer Pedro Feliciano comes in to pitch for the Mets. He does markedly better than the presumably sighted El Dookie.
ESPN then shows the stat of the year. Jock Jones, the Cubs’ hitter batting an empty .301, is 0-53 when the count goes to 0-2 at any time during an at bat. Further proof that he’s shitty.
Then, they show Joe and Jon in the booth and Joe has nary a scrap of paper in front of him. He’s not keeping score, he has no notes. Nothing. Just an oversized suit, Lou Rawls sideburns and a phony assed grin. He’s likely illiterate. How in the hell is he the “best†analyst the Worldwide Leader in Sports has to offer? He’s nearly as big of a fraud as the toothpick chewing nitwit in the Cubs’ dugout.
With two on and two out Todd Walker continues his night of hell by striking out and giving us the mother of all disgusted bat flips. As the bat bounces across the grass, the Cubs season is…unbeknownst to us…heading below rock bottom.
Carlos Beltran leads off the top of the sixth with a routine grounder to second, Walker bobbles it, Carlos is safe.
Carlos Delgado follows with a flyball to center that Juan Pierre gets a lousy jump on and then makes a lousy dive at. First and second, nobody out.
David Wright hits a blooper to right that Jock couldn’t find with a map and a flashlight.
Joe adds this sage commentary, “When you are going bad, things like this happen to you.â€Â
Let me get this straight, when you’re going bad, Joe, balls hit to your three weakest fielders end up as hits? All that was missing was a “Mike†Barrett passed ball and Matt Murton throwing the ball six feet.
At home, I say to no one in particular. I wish you could buy stock in things like, “Cliff Floyd will hit a grand slam here and make it 6-5 Mets.â€Â
My stock hits.
Jon bemoans, “What a year for Dusty and the Cubs.â€ÂÂÂ
Screw you, baldy. It’s been complete shit since game six of the 2003 NLCS.
Joe says, “A lot of this is bad luck.â€Â
Bullshit. Bad luck lasts a week, not four years. Bad luck isn’t playing shitty defense, walking batters, never walking when you’re the ones batting, horrible base running, bad managing, incompetent coaching, short sighted trades and free agent signings, refusing to work your players and wondering why they always get hurt. Yeah, that’s bad news.
Things get worse. With a runner on first E-ramis makes a nice play, tries to start a double play only to have Walker muff the throw. They get nobody out. With the bases loaded, E-ramis tries to end the inning by starting a 5-1-3 double play, the Cubs only get the guy at the plate. Joe blames it on E-ramis, saying he could have gone second to first. Joe apparently doesn’t remember what JUST happened when E-ramis tried that. How sad is it that E-ramis is easily the best defensive player the Cubs started on Sunday? Easily. Guh.
Carlos Beltran then hits the second grand slam of the inning. There we are folks! A new low! Wa-hoo! Oh, this never gets old.
David Wright ends the carnage with a two run homer, though before the Cubs can get the third out, Will Ohman walks the first two guys he faces then gives up a 370 foot flyball. He then swears at the fans for having the nerve to boo him and the s-crappy Cubs.
In all, the Mets send 17 batters to the plate in the inning, score 11 runs and EIGHT, count ‘em, EIGHT unearned runs. Holy crap.
When ESPN returns from commercial, (no lie) the HD feed is broken. That’s how ugly the Cubs have been.
Minutes later, Deadwood is on HBO and I finally get to ignore the rest of this mess.
Gee, I’m glad nobody got fired on Monday. Why break up this dynamic bunch?
Actually, the guy before Beltran made an out. It all started with one out. That made it all the more fun.
You forgot the part where after Jon Miller said that Jacque is 0 for 53 when he goes to a 0 and 2 count, Morgan responded “0 for 53? I’ll have to check that statistic, That’s impossible. No one is that bad.” At that point I kind of liked Joe Morgan.
why do u bother writing about them? The Trib people could care less about you. they are raking it in with a record attendance again and tons of concessions sold.
our only hope is for the chandler trust forces the organization to sell their cub holdings.
in the meantime, shift to the bears and bulls. let’s talk about something positive
I demand to be written about. This is THE bottom. Hear me
I wish you could buy stock in things like, “Cliff Floyd will hit a grand slam here and make it 6-5 Mets.â€Â
ahem…
Did anyone see me before the game with those lame-ass “fans” (paid actors) talking about the Cubs’ meltdowns in ’69, ’84 and ’03? The entire USA is laughing at the Cubs yet the idiots in charge aren’t doing a thing about it.
Well fuck them right in the ear.
And fuck ESPN for continuing to run the whole 1908 thing into the ground.
No fears, I’m still in evaluation mode!
STOP! GIMMICK THIEF!!!!
I am smart enough to stop watching a Cubs game when they go up 5-0 in two innings and still strand many runners. You could see that lead would never hold. So… in being smart enough to avoid the inevitable plummet I missed the attempted “5-1-3 double play”. Please tell me that was a typo and the Cubs didn’t attempt to pull off a double play through the pitcher
Good dose, Andy.
HOw was I supposed to know she’s only 14? SHe has tits and hair on her pussy! Good enough for me, dude.
I think it was 5-2-3. catcher is duece.
I just came to report that I did exactly what Shawon did in post #9
You are right. Catcher is 2. Andy must have went to the Dusty Baker school of score keeping as well.
F*** all of you! I’m making history with this team. How many times has a team given up two grand slams in one inning? History and all I do is get s*** on. Keep giving me grief about this team and I’m going to take off my cap and slam it down again. You’ve been warned.
Dipshit Morgan got it wrong again. I didn’t tip off umpires when a pick off was on. I gave the umps tips on games to bet on.
another Joe Morgan gem from Sunday’s game (sadly, I’m not making this up):
“Now, Cub fans have a tradition of throwing back home run balls from the opposing team. Why don’t they throw back the opposing team’s foul balls?”
_____________________________________________________________________
Even though I didn’t goto the game, I live in the neighborhood and knew that this was my chance to rip on Joe Morgan. So I drank a beer or seven at Goose Island and then when the game ended I walked over to the players exit on Seminary. When Joe walked out, I yelled not so nice things at him, let him know who the better player was between him and Ryno and told him that he doesn’t belong in the HOF. I got the nastiest scowl from him, but he did not engage me in a war of words or fists. Some say thats Joe being classy (and I agree, my actions were not), but I simply don’t think he was smart enough for a comeback.
I’m surprised nobody had commented on Phil Rogers today. Damn I think that thing made me have a stroke. Lets keep Dusty for two more years, add Cliff Floyd (who is old and injury prone – a Cubs natural); sign a good pitcher not named Zito; sign Mark Loretta if Theriot doesn’t work out (if?); Sign Wood to a one year deal (yeah, Wade Miller, part two – in case he gets good and healthy at the end of the year he’ll be a free agent); sign Pierre at a low-ball offer (sure he’ll take it); and trade Barret and start Hank every day. Why the hell does he still have a job? What a retard.
I think that was Miller. But the fact that I was still listening to the game at that point…. Oh how humiliating.
5-2-3. This thing is rife with errors, which I cringed at upon re-reading, and you know what? Given the source material, I’m fine with it. Happy, even.
Um, what interested me the most was the in-game interview with DFB. Joe asked a question about next year, and DFB answered it as if he were going to be back… That was either unintentionally funny (Sorry Bill) or a nightmare to think about…
best dose of the year.
BC,
Dusty didn’t ANSWER like he’ll be back next year. Joe spread his cheeks, dove his tongue in there and ASKED him about what, next year, he was looking forward to. It was the biggest softball of an opening question like, ever. It was so generous that I think even Dusty was surprised.
During the interview, it also seemed like Dusty was clearly throwing Donuts under the bus.
Hey, how about that 11 run inning in the sixth by the Mets? The Cubs had more balls coming at them than Paris Hilton during Fleet Week.
Oh, my. That is gold. Oh, did you see that Alex Kaseberg was the third highest quoted sports joke writer in 1,000 Sports Quips?
Check it out:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0740754874/102-1222456-4900119?v=glance&n=283155
talk about us?
with the PJ Brown and JR Smith trade and the Ben Wallace and Adrian Griffin signing, we already have 13 players under contract for next season. so there’s not going to be any more action coming out of us.
_Guards_
Hinrich Duhon
Gordon Sefolosha Basden
_Forwards_
Nocioni Deng Kryapa
Thomas Allen
_Centers_
Wallace, Brown, Sweetney
bring on November!
The stupid ESPN stat on Jock Jones was WRONG.
He’s 2 for 24 this year with an 0-2 count…
Check it out for yourself:
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/Statistics/Team/playerstats?team=chc&seasonYear=2006&split=66&seasonType=2&type=reg&pagetype=batting
…and what the hell’s an “empty .301” average?
28: learn how to read. he’s 0 for 53 when the count is at 0-2 at any point in the count. This means the count can go to 3-2, as long as it was once 0-2 in the count. Get your head out of your ass.
Does prostate cancer really count??? Doesn’t every guy who lives long enough get it?
29: Get your head out of my ass m0therfvcker.
If he’s got 2 hits when he’s 0-2, how could he get to any other count with fewer hits than that?
@sshole
hey, i was just kidding, phil. you can take a joke, right?
Priceless!
What the deuce!!
2 runs score on a sac fly
2 runs score on a passed ball
2 grand slams given up in a game
2 teams each hit 8 HRs aganst us in a game
As if the Chicago Cubs didn’t have enough trouble this season, the team’s third base coach Chris Speier was arrested Wednesday morning on the Near North Side for driving under the influence.
Speier was arrested on the 1200 block of North Dearborn Street when he failed to stop at a stop sign while riding a motorcycle, according to police News Affairs Officer Laura Kubiak. Speier was charged with DUI and failure to stop at a stop sign, Kubiak said.
I don’t even play for the Cubs and they make me want to drink a lot. So Chris, if you’re out of county corn-hole club and reading this, we understand where you’re coming from.
Anyone else think that Dusty will make some stupid comment about how black players can handle their liquor better in the summer heat?
LSU Hall of Famer working on it.
Hey, 28 and 29, I’m still totally confused….who’s right?
Andy, can you arbitrate…what does that mean anyway?
Go get’m Big Boy….
The 0-53 when the count goes 0-2 was wrong. Jones is 2-24 in an 0-2 count, which means he can’t have fewer than 2 hits when the count has gone 0-2. 28 was right and 29 embarassed himself like nothing else.
Hey Chris I’d drink too if I was coaching that bunch of pussies!