You’d have to be pretty immature to take more satisfaction out of the obvious pain and embarrassment being suffered by your opponent’s fans than out of the joy you were getting from an excellent performance out of your team.

Apparently, I’m pretty damned immature.

While it was great to see Rex Grossman play well, to see the Bears defense throttle the Packers for three hours and to see Bears special teams be special in a way that doesn’t include them wearing bike helmets to bed, the appeal of Packer Nation in complete disarray can’t be denied.

The Bears didn’t just beat the Packers.  They humiliated them.  They gave them a glimpse at what an awful, hideous, hopeless season awaits them in the land of cheese and angioplasties.  In other words, it was a great freakin’ day.

The Bears didn’t even wait to send the message.  First possession.  Touchdown.  Not just a touchdown a 49 yard touchdown…pass.  The last time we saw that, Harlan Hill and Sid Luckman were involved.  Or maybe it was Mike Phipps and Ricky Watts, whatever the case, it’s been a long time.

You know things are going well when the only thing you can complain about is, “We need to stop kicking these damn field goals and score some damn touchdowns!”  Actually, that is a bona fide complaint, only with the Bears’ defense, the field goals are probably more than enough.

I did have one major complaint about the game, however.  No, not Tim Ryan’s fascination with all things Brett Farvuhruh.  Actually, I guess I had two complaints about the game.

In the first half, I had the misfortune of being in a car and needing to listen to the game on the radio.  Because I had to listen to Jeff Joniak and Tom Thayer, I had no idea what was happening.  Joniak is the worst.  Ever.  At anything.

He can’t be troubled to tell you little things like, the score, the quarter, the time left, the down and distance.  He can tell you when Ahmad Carroll is covering Bernard Berrian…over and over and over again.  Twice he made what turned out to be short rushes by Thomas Jones sound like first downs.  I’m sure I wasn’t alone in wondering then, why the Bears were punting on third down…twice.

This was bad enough when the Bears were bad.  But now that they’re championship caliber it’s beyond insane that he’s allowed to babble his way through the games.

Chicago sports fans are really only united by one thing.  The Cubs and Sox divide up the baseball fans, the Blackhawks are completely irrelevant these days, the Bulls would be bigger if people actually liked pro basketball.  That leaves the Bears.  So Jeff Joniak is suddenly the authoritative voice for Chicago sports?  What, the “boom goes the dynamite” guy got a better offer?

Not that Thayer is much better.  He talks a lot more than a typical analyst.  He talks over plays, he talks about plays that happened ten minutes ago.  He analyzes line play like anybody really gives a shit.  I know he was a lineman at Notre Dame and with the Blitz and Bears, but come on.  Let it go.  Even Peter North puts it in his pants once and a while.

I know, I know.  The Bears distroy the Packers and I’m complaining about the radio team.  I can get over it.  Mainly because I don’t intend to listen to them again.

The best part of the game?  There are just too many to choose from.  The sound of Lambeau as Berrian was running towards the end zone was priceless.  Farvuhruh twice lucking out when Bears’ d-backs dropped easy interceptions, only to throw actual interceptions on the next play each time.  Devin Hester going 84 yards and never getting touched.  Rex catching a pass for minus four yards and throwing the ball to the equipment man so he could keep it.  Brad Maynard reminding us he’s the greatest September punter of all time by pinning the Pack at the four with his first punt, one that took a hard right bounce out of bounds.  Tim Ryan talking about the secret to the Bears this year will be their strength coach.  Then saying the guy coached for the Bears when he was there, a decade ago.  So what’s the guy been doing for 10 years, Timbo?  How is he just now a secret?  Any shot of Sam Rosen’s profile.  You expect to see loons nesting on the end of that nose of his.  Wow.  Would it be so bad if Fox accidentally sent Sam Ryan to cover a game instead of Sam Rosen?

Today on the Dan Patrick Show, Joe Theismann was talking about the Packers and he said “it’s not Brett Favre’s fault.”  I guess on the surface you could say that since the game was 16-0 Bears at one point, and Favre was 2-2 passing, that it’s true, Favre didn’t lose the game.  But he played like crap, anyway.  The Packers never threatened to win that game.  The first Bears drive kicked them right in the sac, and it was over.  Only the fatalist Chicago sports fan in all of us even entertained thoughts of worry from that point on.

But Theismann went on to blame the Packers situation with Favre on the Packers.  He said the Packers should have “let Brett leave for a better team.”  What he fails to mention is that Brett didn’t really give the Packers an option.  They either told him they didn’t want him and then caught shit from all those delusional Packers fans, or they had to do what they did.  Sit around and wait for Brettsy to make up his mind.  The only way he could have left the Packers without the mongrel horde trying to tear Lambeau down would have been for Brett to explain that the Packers were going to need to rebuild and he was too old to wait around.  Then he could have signed with Baltimore or somebody.  But he didn’t, so he’s still around.  Oh well, I’m glad he didn’t leave.  After all those years of single-handedly killing the Bears, now he’s handy to have around whenever they need a game clinching interception.

And now, as we’ll do every Monday (or whenever I get around to it), let’s take a spin around the league!  See, I add an exclamation point because it’s exciting.  Or something. 

Steelers 28, Dolphins 17 (Thursday night)
This game featured the second most disturbing Dolphins’ replay challenge toss of all time.  When Nick Saban limp wristed his little red hanky onto the field during an extra point, nobody noticed.  Almost as imasculating as his 1992 middle parted hairdo (which by the way Nick, is not hiding that bald spot), the toss comes up lacking in another department.  Dave Wannstedt (similar hairdo, albeit one that was overshadowed by his hare lip) once stood on the sideline in teal and orange trying to find his challenge flag, only to have offensive line coach Tony Wise reach into Wanny’s pants (not the first time, most likely) find the flag and throw it onto the field.  Guh.

Bengals 23, Chiefs 10
This one was highlighted by a horrific injury to Chiefs quarterback and devout Christian Trent Green.  With God otherwise distracted by Herm Edwards’ lousy playcalling, Green scrambled out of the pocket only to be nailed by Bengals defensive lineman Robert Geathers as he was sliding along the grass.  If you didn’t see it (don’t you own a TV?), just think back to the day Mike Singletary decapitated Steve Pelluer.  The good news is that Trent is expected to be fine, and that his teeth are all intact.  Some were found intact at the 40 yard line, others at 35…

Rams 18, Broncos 10
Jeff Wilkins kicked six field goals as the Rams won the most boring football game since November 18, 1996, when Chris Boniol kicked seven field goals in a 21-6 win over the Packers.  I remember it well, because Boniol was my fantasy kicker and I went into Monday night 20 points down and he was the only guy on either team playing in the game.  Seven field goals later, I had the cheapest fantasy win ever. 

Eagles 24, Texans 10
The last I checked Donte Stallworth was a bust with the Saints.  He was so bad that they traded him last week to the Eagles for a fourth-round pick.  So he catches a touchdown pass in the Eagles win and suddenly he’s Don Hutson?  Screw that.  He’s still almost as good as Anthony Morgan in my book.

Jets 23, Titans 16
This was the first windshield smasher of the season.  A windshield smasher is when you leave two tickets for a game on your dashboard and when you return to your car, you windshield is smashed and you have four tickets to the game on your dashboard.  Yes, that’s a long way to go for an old, bad joke.  Besides, with safety glass and such, it’s not very realistic.  They’d probably just break the passenger side window, or maybe, if it was a truck, just that little triangular window next to the passenger side window.  Anyway, Chad Pennington threw lots of six yards passes and the Jets are now on pace to go 1-15 instead of 0-16.  As for the Titans, they started Kerry Collins, so it’s likely that Jeff Fisher put lots of money on the Jets.  Somebody needs to investigate.

Ravens 27, Buccaneers 0
This is the kind of game that makes fat dopes like Peter King jump to all kinds of conclusions.  The Bears beat their Bay 26-0 and nobody cares, the Ravens beat theirs 27-0 and suddenly they’re the Joe Montana 49ers.  Screw that.  Chris Simms is a pussy and Ray Lewis scared the Pampers off of him.  Chris did everything but dig a hole behind the huddle and hide in it.  Call me when Steve McNair breaks his breastbone in half again.

Patriots 19, Bills 17
Dick “I coach this team, but it’s not my team” nearly got his era (likely to last a year, maybe two) off to a bang-up start with an upset of the Patriots.  However, his quarterback is JP Losman and JP needs GPS to figure out where he is on the field.  That’s how he just happened to wander into his end zone at the end of the game for the winning points, when the Pats dogpiled him for a safety.  Nobody had won a game on a safety since the 2004 when Alex Brown knocked the ball loose from Titans quarterback Billy Volek and then Titans lineman (now Bears) Fred Miller dove on the fumble in the end zone in overtime.  All Walleye Ogunleye had to do was tap Fred for the winning points.  This was worse.

Falcons 20, Panthers 6
What you forget about the Panthers is that the last time they were supposed to be good (2004) they started like 1-5 and missed the playoffs.  Playing without Steve Smith they were lousy and lost at home to the Falcons yesterday.  The Falcons think they’ve solved their Mike Vick problem by simplifying the offense and upping his Valtrex dosage.

Saints 19, Browns 14
Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards marked their returns in high style.  Edwards caught a 74 yard pass on the Browns first play, only to have it called back because of a penalty.  Winslow caught a touchdown pass, which sent the crowd into a frenzy, only to shock them by stealing the mini-motorcycle the mascot uses and driving it into the goalpost to his death.  Some guy named Reggie Bush played for the Saints and did some stuff.

Mariners 9, Tigers 6
See how hilarious it is to take a low scoring football game and pretend it’s a baseball score?  Hah!  Chris Berman’s got nothing on me!  What pleased me most about this game is that Mike Martz’s vaunted offensive brilliance took one in the groin.  Six points?  Whoop-de-damned-do.  I knew this game was over when I turned on the Lions’ pregame show on DirecTV.  Rod Marinelli (who apparently is their head coach) was on his own show, wearing shorts, a t-shirt, a baseball cap and a nylon stocking up to his left knee.  This stooge can’t even put on pants for a TV show?  He’s like Marty Mohrninweg only without the obesity gene.

Cardinals 34, Niners 27
The Cardinals opened Pink Taco Stadium with a rousing victory, one that in their traditional style they very nearly lost, to a very bad team.  Much to lady Cardinals’ fans chagrin, matinee baby’s daddy Matt Leinart did not play.  Honestly, Nick Lachey was probably in tears as well.

Jags 24, Cowboys 17
There is nothing as certain as a game-sealing Drew Bledsoe interception.  But the Cowboys gave him lots of support.  Rookie tight end Anthony Fasano was called for illegal blocks twice in the first half nullifying Terrell Owens catches each time.  Jason Witten was called for offensive interference on a touchdown catch.  Kicker Sean Suisham (who?), shanked a 36 yard field goal after Witten’s penalty.  All in all, it was great stuff.  Along the way, TO made a hellacious touchdown catch on a pass thrown horribly by Bledsoe.  See, TO, you knew Drew would put you on the highlight reel.

Peytons 26, Elis 21
Here’s a neat story.  Apparently, there are brothers who play quarterback in the NFL!  No, not Byron Leftwich and Ron Mexico, actual “brothers”, as in siblings.  Their teams played last night and I believe it was televised.  As always, the big brother beat the little brother, who started crying and woke up this morning in a freshly wetted bed.

Did you catch “Football Night in America” last night on NBC before the Manning Bowl?  Not a bad show.  Lots of highlights, four cool leather chairs, lots of big TVs.  Now if only Sterling Sharpe and Cris Collinsworth weren’t such arrogant pricks it might be worth watching.

It’s not that I don’t like Joe Buck (but I don’t), but he sucked as host of Fox’s pregame.  Just awful.

Over on CBS, a mannequin dressed as former Redskins and Texans GM Charley Casserly made an appearance.  Even the mannequin had no defense for not drafting Reggie Bush number one.

Finally (mock applause fills the Internet) I enjoyed Tom Jackson calling Michael Irvin a “retard.”  I was shocked and appalled he had to apologize.  But, I suppose comparing them to Irvin was offensive to retarded people.  Next week, Jackson should ask Irvin, “Are you on crack?”  I’d pay to see that.