There are certain things the Chicago Bears just never do. They never let you finish a running play without a new bruise. They never let a quarterback drop back for a pass without fear of emptying his bowels in his nice white pants. They never get the ball at the end of a game when a touchdown is necessary and end up in the end zone. It’s just something we’ve learned to deal with over the years. Like herpes. It’s not fun, it never goes away, but some days the scabs don’t itch as much as others. Huh?

Anyway, the 2006 Bears are pretty insistent that they’re going to change some of our preconceived notions. Not on defense. They plan on kicking the snot out of anybody who dares tote the football against them. But on offense, they’re boldly predicting they can be something that most football experts would term…”competent.” Dare to dream.

Because if they pull it off for the next four-plus months…well, you know. I don’t even need to say it. I’m not even sure I’m ready to, yet.

Sunday played out like most of the Bears’ recent trips to the Metrodome have. Poor lighting, ugly fans in blonde pigtails (and some of those were women), weird, ceaseless crowd noise and a Bears’ offense that seemed to be happy to get a snap off. (You know, when Olin Kreutz wasn’t craftily faking snaps and getting five yard penalties.)

It was an odd day for Rex Grossman. He made some great throws, and he made just as many careless, running backwards-flip-the-ball-blindly-downfield throws. You knew eventually that one of those would end up in the Bears’ end zone. It was just a matter of time.

Thankfully, for most of the game, the Bears’ defense throttled the Vikings. Oh sure, they let Chester Taylor get off a few nice runs, and twice they let weenie armed Brad Johnson get away with a lofted pass down the sidelines. But whenever they needed to draw the line and say, “You’ve gone far enough,” they did just that.

With Robbie Gould taking the drama out of field goals so far this year, it was a winning combination.

In the third quarter they probably were cost a touchdown when Desmond Clark hurt his foot, then two plays later came back on the field. He lined up, the Vikings lost track of him and he began to run into the end zone with no one around him. Then he started to limp and never bothered to make any effort to turn around. On the replay you could see Rex look his way and see his eyes light up. Now I’m sure Desmond’s foot hurt, but he’d already run all the way into the end zone. He couldn’t turn around and at least try to catch a pass?

By the way, did you know that Muhsin Muhammad leads the NFL in receptions and receiving yards? Now you do. Of course he’s still tied for last in touchdown catches.

The game looked to turn in the fourth quarter when a bizarre series of events transpired. Devin Hester tried to return a punt from his five yard line and got all the way to the eight. The Bears tried a play action pass. Rex decided to keep backing up into the end zone. He said after the game that he feared a safety, which would cut the Bears lead to one, so he threw the ball away. To the Vikings, and the Bears lead was cut to negative four. Guh.

We’d seen this movie before. The defense shuts down a team, the offense gives up a crippling turnover late in the game and the Bears lose.

The Bears were going to need a miracle. They didn’t get one.

Instead, they got the fastest 290 pounder in the world to make a huge, and almost unbelievable play.

When Mewelde Moore broke tackles of Brian Urlacher and Mike Brown on a third and five to get a first down, and help the Vikes run more time off the clock, you thought the Bears were screwed.

A couple plays later Tommie Harris decided to see if he could take a handoff from Brad Johnson instead of letting Chester Taylor do it. He pretty much did. Shooting the gap left by the pulling Steve Hutchinson (and if he’s all-world, then Harris and Tank Johnson are all-galaxy for the way they shoved him around all day), Harris stuck a big paw in between Johnson and Taylor, knocked the ball loose and Walleye Ogunleye grabbed the ball. Here you go offense. They even gave you a short field.

Even then it looked like the Bears were going to squander it. But on third and eight, Rex found the Moose for 11 yards and a huge play. Then it was Rashied Davis’ turn. The former Arena Ball star took a few quarters to get used to playing indoors on a field that big. For whatever reason, Fox had a camera trained on him, and in replays of his game winning touchdown catch you saw what a great route he ran, and how he stopped it short to avoid going all the way across the middle of the field and into the safety.

Rex did something no Bear quarterback has done since the one-eyed BYU phenom was back there. He spotted Rashied then intentionally looked away to freeze the safety then fired a rocket for the touchdown.

I always measure big plays by the involuntary reaction they get out of me. I didn’t actually jump out of my chair, but I think most of both ass cheeks got airborne. Our Bears don’t win games that way. And yet, they just did. This wasn’t Cap Boso getting up from a big OT catch against the Jets wearing most of a yard of sod on his facemask, but it was something.

Rex didn’t play well. He managed to throw for 278 yards, but you never got the feeling he was in control of anything. And yet, he made the big play when the Bears absolutely had to have it. You get the feeling watching him that he “knows” he’s going to do it. More importantly, you get the feeling the rest of the team does, too. Even the defense has confidence in Rex.

Of course, that might not last. But after three games, you get the feeling that that’s the worst Rex will play, and even that wasn’t enough to sink these Bears.

Were I a Vikings fan, I’d be encouraged that my team is no longer coached by the dumbest man in America, but I don’t get all the Brad Johnson love. I guess I can see why the fans like him, but the media makes this guy out to be Johnny Unitas, when he’s not even Johnny Utah. He’s got no arm left. If you can’t throw the ball more than 20 yards down the field without putting trajectory on it that makes it look like a Ray Guy punt, you’re not going to beat good defenses very often.

When the Vikings got the ball back after the Bears’ go-ahead touchdown, did any of us really think they were any serious threat to score? Sure they got a couple first downs and had a fourth and two at the end, but come on. The Bears defense was not about to give up enough yards to that pop-gun attack to give up any points at the end.

Speaking of the Vikings’ coach (and I did a couple of paragraphs ago), doesn’t he look like a guy who would walk through the front door of a house holding a sixer of Mike’s Hard Lemonade only to have Dateline NBC’s Chris Hanson walk through the kitchen asking him why he’d come to the house looking for sex with a 14 year old girl? Maybe that’s just me.

On Mondays, Chicagosports.com runs a blog entry that focuses on what the national media think of the Bears. I don’t get this. Who gives a shit? This isn’t Indianapolis or Jacksonville. It’s Chicago. We don’t need validation that our team is as good as we think it is. Screw them. We hope they’re too clueless to see that the best team in the NFC plays its home games on the shores of Lake Michigan and chews up and spits out opposing offenses. We don’t need them to tell us that the Bears finally have an offense.

The day we start caring what Peter King or John Clayton or god forbid, Chris Berman thinks about the Bears isn’t even under consideration. The only validation we need are the three hours every Sunday when the one team everybody in Chicago can agree on goes out and litters the field with the entrails of their opponents.

“I don’t know how to tell you this. But we’re kind of a big deal. People know us. We’re very important. We have many leather bound books, and our locker room smells of a rich mahogany.”

The Bears are good. You know it and I know it. That’s all that matters. And doesn’t it make Sundays a lot more fun?

Because I waited an extra day to get around to this, you get the benefit of a snarky recap of an extra game. I knew you’d be thrilled.

New York Jets 28, Buffalo 20
After a couple of inspired road efforts to begin the season, the Fighting Dick Jaurons headed home to upstate New York to take on the woeful Jets. Unfortunately, the Bills apparently remembered that they’re woeful, too. How does your quarterback throw for 328 yards and your running back run for 150 and you lose and only score 20 points? I suppose you can turn the ball over three times. That might help.

Green Bay 31, Detroit 24
Wow, the Lions are awful. We already knew the Packers were terrible, but they put 31 up on the Lions and Detroit couldn’t even coax Brett Farvuhruh into a single interception. The good news is that last week we found out that Roy Williams doesn’t care what the score is, so this loss probably didn’t bother him. Besides, he caught seven passes for 138 yards and a touch, so he’s happy.

Indianapolis 21, Jacksonville 14
After this game we found out that the only people in the RCA Dome who knew that Peyton Manning was going to try a naked bootleg were Tony Dungy and Peyton. Peyton called an offtackle play to the left and on Dungy’s urging, pulled the ball back from Joseph Addai and “sprinted” the other way for an unmolested score. You have to love stuff like that. Watching parts of this game, though, I was struck by just how hard the Jacksonville defensive backs were hitting Marvin Harrison. You hardly ever see Marvin get hit hard. He’ll dive at the feet of dbacks to avoid just that thing, but he couldn’t on Sunday. He got lit up at least three times and got bailed out on a fumble by a ref and a quick whistle. Last year the Jags were rightly dismissed as a good, but not great team who loaded up on a bad schedule and went 12-4. Even with the “braintrust” of Jack Del Rio and Mike Tice in charge, they’re pretty damned good this year.

Miami 13, Tennessee 10
Honestly, I think the NFL media is the most fawning media in pro sports. Sure, every spring we get feel good reports out of spring training about guys who end up making Candy Maldonado and Danny Jackson look like Andre Dawson and Roger Clemens, but nobody goes overboard like the NFL wonks. In the preseason they were so excited about the recovery of Daunte Culpepper. They were right, partly. It was amazing that a year after tearing his knee to bits that he was healthy enough to run around a football field. But in the preseason the Dolphins offense looked bad. Then, in the opener in Pissburgh, Daunte looked just as lost as he did last year to start the season. Even on TV you could see him lock in on one receiver and stare the guy down. He might be healthy, but that doesn’t mean he’s good. The Dolphins beat the mighty Titans. By three. At home. That’s practically a loss.

Cincinnati 28, Pissburgh 20
If you haven’t seen the video from last week of Chad Johnson after the Browns concussed him, you have to watch it.

He only caught one pass against the Steelers. Pissburgh also held Rudi Johnson to 47 yards, held Carson Palmer under 200 yards passing and outgained Cincinnati by more than 100. And lost. You turn the ball over five times, including twice inside your own 20 and you’re going to get beat. Even if you’re the World Champs, and even if Joey Porter is homicidally insane.

After the win, Bengals’ linebacker Odell Thurman, suspended through next week for violating the league’s substance abuse policy got arrested for DUI, and teammate Chris Henry was in the car, allegedly throwing up out of a window while the cops were writing up Odell. Good times.

Carolina 26, Tampa Bay 24
The big story in this game, I suppose, is that Carolina saved their season by avoiding an 0-3 start. But come on, this was a game in which Chris Simms ruptured his spleen! He joined the Christopher Moltisani “Ain’t Got No Spleen, Gene” club a couple hours after the game ended. Holy crap. How does your highly paid medical staff take Simms off the field in the second half, take him to the locker room to check him out, miss the fact that an interior organ has exploded and let him go back in the game? Which Cubs’ trainer is interning with the Bucs?

Washington 31, Houston 15
It has to be getting old for the Texans to hear people take shots at them week after week for not drafting Reggie Bush. It also has to be getting old for them to finish games with 61 yards rushing as a team, like they did Sunday. Guh.

Baltimore 15, Cleveland 14
After week one, people were falling all over themselves to brag about the tremendous offense the Ravens have now. Ugh. It’s still awful. Steve McNair looks older by the snap. The Browns grabbed defeat from the jaws of victory when Charlie Frye threw an interception in the end zone late in the fourth quarter.

But the story of the game was Kellen Winslow. He took over the offense on the final drive, and annoyed everyone in the stadium on every play. He can’t just catch a pass and go back to the huddle. That’s impossible. But it’s not just that he celebrates, it’s that he’s so manic about it. So angry. He made one great play on the drive where he caught a swing pass, stiff armed a defender and lunged for the first down. The ref was right on it and spotted the ball right where Kellen had held the ball out before going out of bounds, but Kellen stopped to argue about the spot. And argue, and argue. Finally, one of his teammates had to grab him and pull him back to the huddle. Then they measured and he easily had the first down. Senseless and annoying. Just like Kellen.

St. Louis 16, Arizona 14
Kurt Warner has played three games this year. He’s fumbled nine times. Yes, that’s not a typo. Nine times. Holy crap. Not surprisingly, the 1-2 Cardinals have benched your favorite grocery bagger turned NFL MVP in favor of Matt Leinart. Warner threw three interceptions and lost a fumble in the loss to the also hapless Rams. Warner said after the game, “If I don’t make any of those plays, we win the game.” Well, next week the only thing you can fumble is your clipboard. Maybe tie a string around it?

Philadelphia 38, San Francisco 24
For the second straight week the Eagles ran out to a huge early lead. Only this time they didn’t piss it away. Of course, it’s tough to give up very many points against the Niners, even if you’re trying. Donovan McNabb had a good game, and didn’t trip over his mother, despite her repeated attempts to get him to eat Chunky Soup. Mrs. McNabb could be seen on the sidelines, in the end zone and at one point she burrowed under the Monster Park field wearing some sod like a hat as she poked out behind the Eagles line with a full bowl. Of soup.

Seattle 42, New York Giants 30
The Giants managed to fall behind 42-3 in this one. Then their tight end said they got outcoached. Their coach pouted like a baby. And Jay Feely was just happy that he didn’t have a chance to miss three game winning field goals in this one like he did last year. The Giants suck. They’re awful. They gave up in that playoff game against Carolina last year and haven’t ungiven up yet. They won last week only because two freak plays, including one that ended up being a fumble that covered 30 yards before it was recovered for a touchdown, went their way.

As for Seattle. It turns out that not only did Shaun Alexander break his foot, but it’s likely he broke it in week one against Detroit and played three games that way. Since he’s on the cover of this year’s Madden, the cover jinx is being cited again. But you can also buy a “Hall of Fame” edition of the game and Madden himself is on the cover of that one. How will the curse rear its ugly head to claim John? My guess is he chokes on a turducken bone.

Denver 17, New England 7
After watching the Broncos for two weeks, I was convinced they sucked. Even in the “pull out just enough to win” game against Kansas City, I wasn’t sure they were any good at all. So they go into Foxborough and knock the Pats senseless. Could it be that Mike Shanahan is smarter than the great Bill Belichick? Could it be a coincidence he beats Bill like a drum? Or, could it just be that the Pats arrogance about which players they let go for no, or little compensation, has finally caught up to them? Huh? Never! They’re geniuses!

New Orleans 23, Atlanta 3
The Saints are 3-0. They’re a great story. New coach, new franchise player, new quarterback, newly refurbished stadium that was the site of some of the saddest moments in recent American history (and I don’t mean any of the Sugar Bowls). Most people expected them to come out and play hard and lose to the Falcons. They came out and played hard and whipped the Falcons. Kind of makes you wonder just how long the Falcons’ “we can’t pass–at all” offense is going to work.

What bothered me about this game was the aftermath of the Saints’ offensive touchdown. Mike Tirico got it right, but nobody else did. The play, that went from Drew Brees, who faked a handoff to Deuce McAllister, then handed to Reggie Bush, who ran around end and handed to Devry Henderson was not a double reverse. It was just a reverse.

If you hand the ball to a wideout (in this case that’s where Bush lined up), and he runs around “end”, it’s an end around. If he hands the ball to another player who goes the other way around the other end, that’s a reverse. If, then, there’s a third player who takes a third handoff and goes back around the first end, that’s a double reverse.

What the Saints did had one handoff and they “reversed” the ball. Hence the reverse. They didn’t double reverse it. So fuck you, Neil Everett and Stu Scott. And damn your souls to hell.