Sunday marks the end of a somewhat unremarkable season of Cubs baseball. One that started with some slightly above average play is ending after five consecutive months of atrocious baseball. What the Cubs have accomplished in three years since nearly winning the National League is astounding. They are, once again, the worst baseball franchise in the league, one of the two worst in the game and there is no reason to believe things are going to get better any time soon.

The farm system is barren. The team has never shown an ability to pay market value in free agency. They rewarded the mastermind behind this assemblage of the most ill-prepared and least talented squad with a contract extension in the spring.

The only good thing to come from the season is that it marks the final days of the Dusty Baker Era. Gone will be the excuse making, jibberish spouting, veteran enabling Cubs’ manager. He will likely be replaced by an excuse making, jibberish spouting, veteran enabling manager. Though the new guy will certainly make less money than Dusty and that will make TribCo happy.

All of this leads me to wonder why anyone would choose to root for this team next season? There is no hope for this team to be good next year. They have done nothing, and moreover shown no inkling of wanting to show anything, to lead us to believe they have any clue how to construct a winning baseball club. This offseason they’ll do what they always do. They’ll leak information to a few of their favorite toadies about free agents they’re after. They won’t actually offer contracts to most of those names, but the ones they do they’ll lowball. Then they’ll spend the same amount of money they could have spent on two really good players to sign seven lousy ones. Not only will these players be lousy, but they’ll be overpaid and lousy.

Worse yet, we’ll know they’re lousy when they get to Chicago. Meaning we won’t even be surprised when they suck. Yeah, let’s get excited about that.

So why will we all follow the Cubs again next year? Because you and I know that we will.

Is it just habit? Is it mental illness? Are we just too lazy to pick another team?

Whatever the reason, we’ll be back. I don’t even kid myself that I won’t.

I can’t kid myself about how my interest in the team has plummeted in the past two years. This year I only attended three Cubs’ games. I only paid to go to one. I turned down at least a half dozen chances to go to more and I completely eschewed taking the very easy trip up to Miller Park to see them play. I can’t remember the last time I watched an entire game was. And yet, by popular demand, I’m going to finish the year with a Cubs Report.

Somebody call Kim Etheredge. I fear this will do to me what generic Vicodin and three pounds of supplements did to TO on Tuesday.

Carlos Zambrano – Try to imagine the 2006 Cubs without Carlos. I shudder to think just how much more boring and pointless it would have been. Carlos is the gift that keeps on giving. Borderline insane himself, he’s the one Cub with actual emotions (well, other than Michael Barrett, but we’ll get to him.) On the mound he’s already won 16 games. At the plate he’s homered five times. He’s the only pitcher in big league history to hit two first inning homers…ever. He did it twice just this season. He battled through a back injury and returned for two reasons. First, he was bored not pitching. Second, he looked at the NL Cy Young race and figured he could still win it. How do we know that? He told us.

E-ramis Ramirez – For three months, E-ramis didn’t hit. He didn’t even act like he could be persuaded to hit. Then he caught fire. He’ll finish the season with huge and completely irrelevant numbers. What he does have, though, is a hell of an agent. He signed a four year contract extension two seasons ago, and after just two seasons he has the right to become a free agent. What’s likely is that he’ll trade the right to rip up his contract for a longer and more lucrative extension with the Cubs. Now that’s a great, business savvy front office. Nothing like being forced to give a raise to a guy who showed no interest in getting a hit until July.

Derrek Lee – The big worry after his monster 2005 season was that he’d never be “that” good again. That will still be the big worry going into 2007, because we still don’t know. Barely three weeks into the season, Derrek broke his wrist and missed a huge chunk of the first half. He came back, wasn’t the same and went back on the DL. He came back again, looked much better but then left to tend to his ailing daughter, with the Cubs so helplessy out of the race. Only the Cubs give a contract extension to a legendarily durable player and then see him play in only 49 games.

Juan Pierre – The Cubs went into last offseason with a plan, of sorts. They were going to sign free agent shortstop Rafael Furcal and then trade two prospects to the Marlins for Juan Pierre. They’d have two leadoff men to bat 1-2 in the lineup. Not a bad plan. But they blew the Furcal negotiations, as it turns out, by asking for language in the contract that could void it if Furcal got another DUI, then ended up having to include another prospect for Pierre. Juan didn’t get a hit until June. Even now, with him playing as well as he as ever has for four straight months, his on base average is a tepid .330. He never walks, so his value lies solely in how many hits he can get. As he gets older, and begins to slow down, his ability to get infield hits will decrease as well. The .330 on base average he has right now might be the best it ever is again. In the field, he has excellent range, but no arm. On a team with strong defensive corner outfielders it’s not as much of an issue. The Cubs do not have strong defensive corner outfielders. Pierre’s not so sure he wants to come back for 2007. He enjoyed playing for Dusty Baker (And who wouldn’t? Wouldn’t you love playing for a guy who never holds you accountable and never asks you to actually do anything?) and probably sees Dusty’s departure as a negative. The only problems this leaves for the Cubs is that they traded three pitching prospects for Juan, and they don’t have a centerfielder ready to replace him.

Jock Jones – Jock is exhibit A in any attempt to prove just how little the Cubs think of you, the fans. They signed him to a three year deal when no other team in baseball even considered it. They couldn’t understand why you didn’t think that was great. When you booed him, they had no clue why you’d do that. Jock will finish the season with an average near .285 and almost 27 homers and they’ll wonder why you still think he sucks. It could be because he’s the worst baserunner in the league. It could be that he’s the worst defensive rightfielder in the league. It could be because he’s still signed for two more seasons. If Jim Hendry could reach around far enough to pat his own back, he’d do it with regards to Jock. We know Jock will spend two more years in Chicago. Chances are, Jim won’t.

Matt Murton – The best thing the Cubs could do for Matt Murton would be to trade him to a team that has a clue how to use him. They are not that team. They’re already talking about making a platoon player next season, and both Dusty and Jim spend time talking about how his power is coming. Truth is, Murton hits .303 against lefties and .299 against righties. Overall he has a .366 on base average. It’s .358 against righties and .384 against lefties. True, he has better numbers against lefties than righties, but his numbers are good either way. The problem the Cubs have is that they embrace a crapload of baseball’s unwritten rules. Murton defies two of them. Your leadoff hitter is supposed to play centerfield and steal bases. What Murton does is get on base. He’s got some power, but not a lot. The Cubs act like that’s a huge deal. Who cares how many homers he gets? When he bats, he ends up on base almost 37 percent of the time. On the Cubs that makes him Ricky Freakin’ Henderson. Yet, they bat him sixth or seventh most days. They bat a guy with a .330 on base average first, and they bat guys with sub .300 on base averages second. They see no problem with this. They look at Murton and try to get him to swing from his ass and hit a few more homers. If they had their way, instead of hitting .300 with 13 homers and an OBA of .366, they’d rather he hit .280 with 20 homers and an OBA of .326. They honestly think that’s progress. This is why they lose. Or, to be more fair to them, it’s one of about 187 reasons they lose. Instead of having him spend the winter trying to bulk up to hit more homers, they need to have him working on becoming a decent defensive outfielder. Because in reality, he’s lousy out there.

Cesar Izturis – On July 31, the Cubs did a nice and noble thing. They traded Hall of Fame pitcher Greg Maddux to a team near his home where he could spend the last few months pitching for a pennant contender. They also did a typically dumbass Cubs’ thing. They traded for a good field, no hit shortstop. Oh, and did I mention the good field shortstop just had elbow ligament transfer surgery and had a bad hamstring? The problem with trading for Izturis wasn’t that he’s a useless ballplayer. When healthy (if that’s ever possible again) he’s a dazzling defensive shortstop. One of the best in recent memory. But he’s ill suited to a lineup with enough easy outs already. His presence also moves another no-hit shortstop to second base, a position that you just can’t punt offensively if you’re going to actually score runs. To make things even worse. The Cubs’ most promising late season call up plays second base, meaning he’ll battle a pair of terrible offensive players for playing time, and will likely lose out. What the Izturis trade shows is that the Cubs do just as bad of a job scouting their own players as they do other teams.

Michael Barrett – Michael Barrett is the perfect player for this era of Cubs. He’s a seemingly useful player with some talents that few other Cubs have. He’s also riddled with holes big enough to drive a bullpen car through. Barrett’s season included some big moments. He hit a grand slam in an April series against the Cardinals to give the Cubs a sweep. He punched out AJ Pierzynski on the last day the White Sox spent in first place all season. He took a foul ball off the nutsack and ended up with a scrotal hematoma. If that doesn’t make you cross your legs and cringe, nothing will. Barrett has become a good hitter. He uses the whole field. He takes walks. He turns on pitches in hitter’s counts. But he’s never gotten any better behind the plate. He throws a little better than he used to, but the rest of his defense is shoddy. The Cubs would be well served to trade Barrett when his value is still high and turn the catching duties over to somebody who can keep pitches from rolling to the backstop. It’s sad to say, considering the current shape of the Cubs’ offense.

Hank White – Though president of the Hank White Fan Club, I’m a realist. I’ve enjoyed his late season surge to a .280 batting average (he’s hit .320 since June 1), and I hope very sincerely (for all the right reasons) that he’s back with the Cubs next season. But I do not advocate the Cubs making Henry their every day catcher next season. He’ll be 35, and his career average is still the lowest among all MLB players with more than 1,000 career at bats. But he is an excellent defensive catcher, and his arm is tremendous, maybe the best in the National League. He’s a very useful player on a team that has far too few of those.

Ronny Cedeno – Where to begin with Ronny? Early in the year when he was hitting around .300 we all knew it was a mirage. There was a time in May when his batting average was .302 and his on base average was .304. You knew the average was not going to last. His defense at shortstop was erratic, to say the most, and at second, it’s not going to be much different. While it’s attractive, defensively to have two shortstops in your middle infield, it’s only attractive if both are actually good on defense. Plus, Ronny’s bat was going to make him iffy at short, but it makes him a complete bust at second. He’s still young, and could get better. But let’s not hold our breath. On the plus side, Izturis seems destined to spend more time watching games than playing in them, so maybe Ronny can still turn out to be a salvageable shortstop?

Neifi! – When the Cubs re-signed Neifi the first time after his 2004 late season cameo, it seemed like a good idea. He’d played well in a bench role. He had a good glove, was versatile and while a tepid hitter he was a switch hitter at least. Good teams have guys like Neifi on their bench. Bad teams play guys like Neifi a lot. You already knew which of those the Cubs are. Neifi was sent off to Detroit and will be on their bench in the playoffs. The best place for him.

Todd Walker – Someday, somebody is going to explain why teams can’t wait to get rid of Todd Walker. He’s hit everywhere he’s ever been. While not a top notch defensive player, he’s not atrocious. He knows how to hit, and he gets on base. But he’s also played on twenty percent of the teams in the big leagues already in his career. He’ll be in the playoffs with the Padres. Good for Todd. I hope he gives us at least one good Disgusted Bat Flip before it’s over.

Phil Nevin – He came over in a trade from Texas to help pick up the slack from the Derrek Lee injury. Only two problems with that. By the time Phil made it to the town, the Cubs had fallen completely out of it. Also, he’s not that good. Incredibly, he brokered his own trade from the Cubs to the Twins, where he’ll also be playing in the playoffs. Who knew?

Ryan Theriot – On a real big league team, the play of Ryan Theriot would open eyes. In his first 50 big league games, he’s posted a batting average of .322, an on base average of .406, hit three homers, driven in 13 runs and stolen 11 bases. On the Cubs, they look at him and say…eh. You know and I know that they’ll spend the offseason throwing money at older guys who can’t play as well as he could. If that fails, they’ll give the job to Ronny Cedeno. Eventually Theriot will be thrown into a trade or released and he’ll end up being productive for somebody else. He’s probably no more than a league average second baseman, albeit one with good range and good speed. The Cubs could do worse. And will.

Scott Moore – One thing about Moore, it’s easy to figure out his splits against right and lefthanded pitchers. Dusty won’t let him bat against lefties. He’s been up for a month and has two at bats against southpaws. He’s 0-2. Against right handers he’s better (could you be worse?) He could use another full year in the minors, but he’s got a few things going for him. He can play both corner infield spots, he bats lefthanded, has a little power and unlike most Cubs’ position prospects, actually hits the ball hard once in a while. Bears watching.

John Mabry – Sucks.

Angel Pagan – In April, Angel tore the hamstring right off one of his legs. That has to hurt. He made it back and has been somewhat useful. He fits in with the rest of the Cubs in that he never walks and likes to strike out. He’s hit five homers, which Dusty seems to think proves he has power, while Matt Murton has 13 and that proves he doesn’t have any. Wow, we’re really going to miss the Dustbag, aren’t we?

Freddie Bynum – When the Cubs got him from Oakland near the end of spring training, they touted him as a Chone Figgins clone. Apparently the DNA got screwed up in the cloning process. Freddie is fast, can’t play defense at any position and can’t hit. Other than that, he’s great.

Buck Coates – I can’t wait to order some of his movies on pay per view. Wait, he’s a ballplayer? Really?

Mark Prior – I don’t even want to type this. The only thing worse than not having Mark Prior around to pitch was watching him pitch this year. Something was very obviously wrong. He was terrible. He couldn’t throw a breaking pitch within three feet of home plate and his fastball wasn’t very fast. Turns out he was hurt. But damned if I know what he or the Cubs are doing to fix it. The saddest part of all this is that he was so good. I don’t even want to think about it. Let’s move on.

Kerry Wood – Today’s Tribune article in which Kerry apologized to the Cubs and the fans for being hurt the last two years tells you everything you need to know about him. He’s always been a stand up guy. He’s also pretty much always been hurt. He’ll be back in 2007 and working out of the bullpen, which could turn out to be a great place for him. Or, he could continue to get hurt in which no place is a great place for him. The good news for Kerry is that the closer’s job is there for the taking. The bad news for the Cubs is that the closer’s job is there for the taking.

Ryan Dempster – Well, he’s been terrible, hasn’t he? If you were going to try to find a shred of hope to cling to, this would be it. You know how closers never do well when they come into games in non-save situations? Maybe Dempster suffers from that when he’s pitching in save situations for a team hopelessly out of it? Yeah, I’m not buying it, either. The simple reason he sucked this year was the same reason his career as a starting pitcher died. He stopped throwing strikes. You fall behind enough and you either walk a guy or you groove one and he pounds it. Just look at Braden Looper if you don’t believe me. In 2005 Dempster threw strikes most of the time. In 2006, he didn’t. If he doesn’t throw them in 2007 he’ll get pounded again.

Bob Howry – If the 2003 or 2004 Cubs had Bob Howry and Scott Eyre they’d have won a World Series. I’m convinced of that. Instead, the Cubs get them after the fact. Howry pitched well all year and actually earned his money. The Cubs have him signed through 2008 and wisely didn’t trade him. But if they’re as bad next year as they were this year, they should trade him next July. Chances are, they’ll end up doing just that.

Scott Eyre – His performance on the mound was fine. His performance off it left something to desire. Fat and proud, Eyre set the tone, whether he meant to or not, for the season by announcing the reason he picked the Cubs over the White Sox was because Dusty Baker doesn’t make his pitchers exert themselves physically. During the year, Eyre’s girth inadvertently got Derrek Lee hurt, ended up hurting his own hamstring twice and made him–whenever the Cubs wore the blue tops–look like a blueberry. Eyre’s goal for the offseason should be to successfully complete a sit up. Maybe two.

Rich Hill – For two years we’d heard how great Rich Hill was supposed to be. We never saw any proof of that until late July. Suddenly, Hill turned into the pitcher who dominated AA and AAA the past two years. Umpires started calling his gi-normous curveball for strikes and he learned where to throw the fastball to avoid having it rocket towards the ivy. How good is he? Some columnists have him pegged as a number four or five starter, but if he ended up as that it’d be disappointing. He’s got the talent to be a one or a two. Whether he ever becomes that is a whole other story. For now, the Cubs are just glad he’s not crapping his pants every fifth day. Wow, the bar is low in these parts, isn’t it?

Sean Marshall – Now here’s a number four or five if I’ve ever seen one. Marshall’s not bad. Especially for a guy jumping from AA to the majors. He had an inconsistent first year, but that’s about what was expected of him. Had the Cubs pitching not fallen apart, he’d have really benefited from being a fifth starter this year. Instead he had to carry a lot more of the load than he was ready for. That’s what happens on 97 loss teams. Yippee?

Will Ohman – One thing I’ll never get tired of from Will is the way he reacts so intensely to things. It just looks so fake. It’s like he puts on a “look how concerned I am” face to hide the fact that he really doesn’t give a shit. Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn’t. I know that when it comes to him, I don’t.

Roberto Novoa – Dusty’s lovechild didn’t do anything this year to deserve the appearances he made in what few big games the Cubs had. For a guy his size, who throws as hard as he can, striking out 52 guys in 75 innings isn’t very good. He’s far too dependent on his defense, and that will kill you on a team that played defense as poorly as the 2006 Cubs. Like Dempster, Novoa could never be counted on to throw strikes when needed. It’s also hard to have confidence in a guy who’s expression can only change from “confused” to “constipated.”

Michael Wuertz – He spent more time in Des Moines than Chicago, and that made sense because he was one of the Cubs more consistent relievers this year. More strikeouts than innings pitched, and ERA of 2.56 and fewer hits allowed than innings pitched. Maybe they just wanted to see if Iowa could contend in the PCL?

Carlos Marmol – A converted catcher who spent his whole minor league career in the bullpen the Cubs used him as a starter in the big leagues. His control is still awful, but he’s got some pretty electric stuff, and predictably he wore out fast. His future is in the bullpen, and probably starting around 2008. His biggest asset might be his enormous ears, which can be used to knock down balls that might normally escape the infield over second base.

Juan Mateo – He hit Roger Clemens in the ass in a game the Cubs won in 18 innings. How can you not love that?

Angel Guzman – How can you have such good stuff and pitch so poorly? If Angel’s not a one man indictment of the fraud that is the Cubs’ coaching staff, I don’t know what is. He’s healthy for the first time in…forever…and had his moments, like that incredible eight strikeout relief performance against Detroit, but for the most part he just sucked this year. 68 hits and 35 walks in 54 innings. Gee, is that bad?

Glendon Rusch – Glendon’s had better years. Hell, going 1-13 for the Brewers in 2003 was better than this. He pitched terribly, then almost died of an embellism. His career is in jeopardy because of the blood clot, and it probably was in jeopardy because he was so lousy this year, anyway. Good thing Jim Hendry locked him up for two years.

David Aardsma – Are we sure he’s not Todd Wellemeyer’s little brother?

Jae Kuk Ryu – Oh, he’s awful.

Les Walrond – I remember tuning into a Sunday night game in St. Louis and wondering if Chuck McElroy had returned to the Cubs. How bad do things have to go to get Les Walrond a prime time start?

Scott Williamson – He never pitched well for the Cubs, then bitched about it when he left. Thanks for the memories. Hope your arm falls off again.

Jerome Williams – Another crafty move by Jim Hendry. Somehow, on the eve of roster expansion, the Cubs got themselves in a position where they had to release him. Well done. Bravo.

Wade Miller – He’s not giving up runs when he pitches. He’s also barely scraping past the fourth inning. He’s destined to re-sign with the Cubs and spend much of the next two years cashing checks and sitting on the DL.

Ryan O’Malley – The one truly good story of 2006. He was never going to sniff the big leagues until an incredible set of circumstances. The Cubs went 18 innings in Houston, used every player on the roster and had a noon game the next day against the Astros. The Iowa Cubs were in Round Rock, so they called for that day’s starter and it was O’Malley. He walked the building but pitched eight scoreless innings and the Cubs won 1-0. For one day, it was good to be Cub. That’s about it, too. One day. He got hurt in his second career start and who knows if he’ll ever get a third.

Greg Maddux – One of the few redeeming parts of the past three years was the ability to see Greg Maddux pitch for the Cubs again. He was older, fatter and not as sharp, but he was still a sight to see. A bona fide legend who spent two big hunks of his career on the North Side, lending professionalism to a franchise that so sorely lacks it. He wasn’t great anymore, but he was still pretty good most times, and from time to time he pushed back the clock and gave us a glimpse at what he used to be. He won his 300th game as a Cub and got his 3,000th strikeout at Wrigley Field, and along the way he always stopped to muse about how great Cubs fans have been to him (save for one start in 1993 when he was a Brave.) I’m glad he’s in LA and I hope the Dodgers get into the playoffs for both him and for Nomar, and I’m not the least bit ashamed to say that I miss him. The Cubs, for the most part, are all about what’s wrong with baseball, and Greg is all about what’s right.

Dusty Baker – Sometime on Sunday, the game will end and Dusty will trudge down to the interview room and dazzle us with more incomprehensible bullshit, then leave, for good. It won’t be a moment to soon, in fact it’s many millions of moments too late. All that he was supposed to be, he wasn’t. He never met an excuse he couldn’t cling to or an alibi he couldn’t provide for his players that he refused to hold accountable for anything. He was billed as a great leader of men, but he seemed more like the substitute teacher who doesn’t ask the class to do any work so they’ll like him. He proved to be an incompetent in-game manager who only showed a pulse in games managed by Tony LaRussa. For a guy who got outmanaged consistently, he always perked up in time to stick it to Tony. For that, I’ll always have a little fondness for Dusty. The Cubs won in 2003, and a lot of it could be attributed to an attitude change that he helped usher in.  The problem was, most of that attitude was false bravado, which could not be sustained.  The Cubs of 2003 played with a manic intensity that was gone by mid to late 2004, and they’ve been an empty shell ever since.  Now how would a team get sense of false bravado from a guy who spends more time laying out toothpicks and putting on wristbands than figuring out a lineup card.  Huh?  Hmm?

Jim Hendry – This one is on all of us.  Hendry assumed the GM role at the height of the hype over the Cubs farm system.  He made a few trades that turned out and we bought into the idea he knew what he was doing.  Then the farm system turned out to be a flop, the moves he didn’t make overshadowed the ones he did, and it became painfully obvious that he was ill-equipped to build a baseball team.  The Cubs’ offense is constructed without a foundation, and the tradition of signing second and third tier free agents lives on.  Whether the Tribune finally bent Hendry to their level, or time exposed him as a Dusty-like fraud is of no real importance.  The Cubs need to be rebuilt, and nothing in his tenure points to him as a man who can do it.

Andy MacPhail – When Phil Rogers takes you to task and is right on, like he did Andy yesterday, you know your problems are obvious.  The Cubs under MacPhail are just as unsuccessful as the ones that preceded him.  His well-established conservativeness and ludicrous “you never make a move until you have to” mantra feeds the machine that makes Cubs’ baseball a mediocrity and often worse.  No real change will be felt until Andy is removed, and that appears to be a long way off.

Usually we finish with the announcers, but given that the Cubs have two talented play by play men, an able TV analyst who has learned the fine art of ripping without being obnoxious about it and a beloved, if not always coherent radio analyst, we’ll leave them out of this 40,000 word rip fest.

So we come to the end of it.  In the long and storied history of Cubs baseball there have been some truly awful seasons.  Some have yielded a glimmer of hope.  None exists here.  The Cubs are terrible, a hopeless embarrassment and a testament to the most prized of American institutions, one that earns great profit with little effort.  The over used Cubs mantra is “Wait ‘Til Next Year.”  With next year looking a lot like this one, I’d like to put off going through it as long as possible.

I’ll be back to pay way too much attention to them next season, but for the life of me I can’t think of one good reason why.

Baseball’s supposed to be fun.  I’m not sure what the Cubs are.  But fun isn’t in any evidence.