Pitching Matchup
OAK: Stevie Loiaza, 11-9, 4.89 ERA
MIN: Boof, 7-6, 4.22 ERA
Oakland leads the series 1-0
Lineups
Oakland
Captain Caveman, c
Mark Kotsay, cf
Crazy Milton, rf
(My) Big (Feet) Hurt, dh
Eric Chavez, 3b
Jay Payton, lf
Nick Swisher, 1b
Marco Scutaro, ss
Mark Ellis, 2b
Minnesota
Luis Castillo, 2b
Nick Punto, 3b
Joe Mauer, c
Michael Cuddyer, rf
Justin Morneau, dh
Torii Hunter, cf
RonDL White, lf
Jason Tyner, dh
Jed Barlett, POTUS
Seriously, why would you play Rondell, who can’t run or throw in left and DH a Judy hitter like Jason Tyner? I know Rondell claims to hit better when he plays in the field, but five years ago when he was a Cub he couldn’t play the field and I find it hard to believe that time has restored his fielding powers to him. I also don’t understand why Michael Cuddyer hits ahead of both Morneau and Hunter. I would think he’d be better off sandwiched in between rather than in front of both of them. Who made out this lineup? Dusty? Oh, no, it couldn’t be because Torii would have to lead off for Dusty. He’s playing center and all…
Is that me on the Baseball Tonight set? I look like the Nick Nolte mugshot.
What’s scary, Eric, is that you and I make more sense than the tools who usually sit in these chairs.
Dude. I saw your lineup analysis. You’re all wrong. Here’s how the Twins should have this lineup set.
You don’t just bat Torii leadoff because he’s in center. You do it because he’s…well, he’s in center! Then you bat Castillo second because he’s at second. That’s why they call it ‘second.’ Your best hitter bats third, but this can’t be right, it says their best hitter is a catcher. Sure, like that’s true. OK, let’s hit Rondell there. I remember when he was an Expo, he could rake. Fourth is your home run man and RBI guy, that would be Mornoo? What? He’s French. Screw that. Bench him, play Nevin at first and bat Phil eighth. OK, the catcher’s slow, so bat him ninth, that way he’s really far away from the top of the order. You don’t want him up there to get on base in front of the fast guys. How many is that? Ehh, it’s enough.
Holy shit is that guy dumb. Somebody’s gonna need a HazMat suit to clean up after him.
Steve Phillips is on talking about game two of our doubleheader here at Desipio (silly enough, ESPN is promoting it as a tripleheader–don’t they know we’re not doing the Tigers-Yankees tonight?). He said that Ned Colletti is giving credit to Derek Lowe’s strong finish to the arrival of Greggie. He says Derek sits next to Greggie during games and picks his brain. I’m sure Greg tells Derek what it’s like to win games, and Derek tells Greggie what it’s like to bone a Fox Sports Net anchor. No, not Tom Arnold.
If the Twins lose today they’ve got about as much life left them in them as me…uh, I mean, well, yeah. Me.
I’m on the ESPN pregame right now. ESPN needs to fuck itself and die.
I just used the word “inexplicable” in a sentence and used it correctly. Who knew?
If Sutcliffe is drunk, we’re a pretty good crew! Otherwise, just toss his 85 pound head right out of the booth.
ESPN just showed a female fan holding up a “Get Boofed” sign. If a guy held that up, Edmonds would try to book a flight to Minneapolis, pronto.
I’ve been Boofed!
Sut just told a pointless story about how Jason Kendall waited 11 years to play in a playoff game and when he finally did he had to face the best pitcher in baseball.
Because…you know…usually, you only face terrible pitchers in the playoffs. Hey, not every team can start Mark Clark in a Division Series Opener.
Ugh.
If Boof pitched for us, we’d sell thunder sticks when he pitched.
Big veiny thundersticks!
I heard that the Marlins fired me because I was too much like Buck Showalter.
The Rangers fired Buck Showalter because he’s too much like Buck Showalter.
I’m glad to be getting back to baseball after all that time broadcasting soccer. Soccer is for losers.
I just hope today’s A’s – Twins game has lots of extra time and maybe a shootout!
I heard that Buck got fired for trying to get his stank on at Applebees with an intern.
Wait, substitute Buck for Harold. It’s all good.
Apparently, Sut played with Steve Swisher and Eric Karros played with Nick. This is the kind of stuff you don’t get anywhere else.
I’ve been Boofed!
That’s nice, dad. But I’m the one who struck out.
Who said anything about striking out?
Call me Cy Young, bitches!
I’m losing my mind in the dugout. See how much fun I am to play with?
I’ve just been Boofed!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
We just woke up.
And put Stevie Loiaza’s day to sleep.
2-2.
The Humpdome is rockin’ like Rex Grossman just laid one out into the flat.
Now that’s what I call offense. You get enough solo homers and you can beat anybody!
Gold Glove, my ass. I just turned what would have been first and second and two outs into a two-run inside the park homer. Oops.
I just Boofed myself.
Ha ha!
Shit. Oakland’s about to win a postseasons series. Well there goes my way-too-smug rebuttal to their consistent successâ€â€that for all of the talk of their excellence, that they actually sucked because they haven’t won a postseason series.
Of course, such a rebuttal was a lame, cheese cloth-thin rationalization for my own unblinking anti-intellectual approach to baseball analysis in the first place, but….
Mmmmmm. Cheese cloth.
Why do they start these games three hours apart when most AL games take a day and a half to finish?
Did you see me point to my eyes after I caught the flyball to lead off the ninth? Frank thought it was funny. He might have been the only one.
Our DH had 18 RBI this year. Wow.
See, you never should have let me go!
We were the toughest division in baseball this year! Chances are we’ll be 0-4 in the playoffs in about 10 hours.
Don’t worry, my broken shoulder and I will be pitching on Friday. How can we lose?
Get three on, then pinch hit me. I’m ready to do some yardwork!
So what if I’d be pinch hitting for Mauer.
I knew I should have worked on a trade to the A’s.
Rally time, bitches!
It’s Punto-time!
I’ll be in the tunnel warming up. Call me when you need me.
Do I homer here and tie it or walk and let Mauer win it with a granny?
PUNTOCTOBER
Looks like what the Twins are doing. Punting October.
I have no time for your legendary antics. Oakland leads 2-0.
Do you guys actually expect the Twins to win a big game here again? Remember that game in 94 where me and the Mariners denied that team led by Kevin Elster and Leon Durham a shot at the Wild Card? Man, that catch I made to end the game was fucking crazy!