Funny, I thought you'd be older.

The San Diego Padres have announced that on Monday, Dusty Baker will stop by to interview with GM Kevin Towers and President Sandy Alderson. Desipio has learned that the interview actually happened this past Monday, and we have an actual transcript.

Sandy Alderson: Hello there, Johnnie B. Baker, Jr. Says here you like to be called Dusty.

Dusty: That’s right.

Sandy: Why?

Dusty: It’s my nickname. Kind of like why you go by Sandy.

Sandy: I was named after a Jewish friend of my uncle. He was killed at Auschwitz. That’s why you’re called Dusty?

Dusty: Uh…oh…yeah. As a kid I was always getting my clothes dirty. Umm. Hey, Kevin, nice to see you!

Kevin Towers: Hi Dusty. Have a seat.

Sandy: It says here you are applying for the job of manager. What interested you in this position.

Dusty: I love baseball. My whole life has been about baseball. When I was a young guy I broke in with the Braves and played with Hank Aaron. Other than my years in the Marines, I’ve never had a job that didn’t involve playing baseball. Plus, I’m black, and I’m completely paranoid that if I don’t manage every year that I’ll never get another managerial job.

Sandy: Why would you think that?

Dusty: I’m friends with Cito Gaston and Don Baylor. They both managed, and won, and once they spent one year out of the game, they never got another job. Cito won two World Series, and he hasn’t managed since the Blue Jays let him go.

Kevin: Actually, Don Baylor didn’t manage in 1999. He sat that year out between his time in Colorado and the Cubs.

Dusty: I don’t think that’s right. I’m pretty sure he went right from the Rockies to the Cubs.

Kevin: No, Dusty. He was in Colorado from 1993-1998, then the Cubs from 2000-2002.

Dusty: Oh, that’s right. He had cancer.

Kevin: Right, but that was after he left the Cubs.

Dusty: The Cubs gave him cancer? Dude, that’s harsh. I’m glad I got out when I did.

Sandy: Yeah, let’s move on. Dusty, tell us what your ideal lineup would be. Not in terms of players, but types of players. You know, like some managers like speed at the top of their order, good righty-lefty balance through the lineup, stuff like that.

Dusty: Dude, this is an easy one. Everybody knows that you have a speedy centerfielder who leads off, then your second baseman hits second. Then you got your big slugger at first base who hits third, then your left fielder hits fifth. And…you know, I was looking at your team, and it’s all jacked up. No offense. But Bruce didn’t fill out that lineup right. Cameron’s the center fielder he’s got to lead off, then you hit your second baseman next. By the way, second base is a problem. Barfield is too young to play, and the other two guys, Walker and Bellhorn? Yeah, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Know what I mean? Sandy, give Ray Durham a call. If he’s not available, try Robby Thompson. I’ll bet I have Robby’s number out in the truck. I’ll get it for you when we’re done here.

Sandy: That might be pretty soon.

Kevin: You had great success in San Francisco. We know, we had front row seats for some of it. What happened with the Cubs?

Dusty: I’ll tell you, dude. Chicago’s a tough town, man. First, the weather actually changes. It’s the craziest stuff you’ve ever seen. In April, guys are wearing ski masks and their compression shorts outside their pants, and then in July it’s so hot you’d look over and Dick Pole would sitting in the dugout with no shirt on. Crazy. They play a lot of day games, which is terrible, because day games are earlier than night ones. After a night game, a guy goes out, has dinner, drinks a half dozen shots, picks out a couple of blondes and has a night. You get up at like noon, give the blondes cab fare, take Maxim into the crapper for 20 minutes, make a deposit and start to think about getting ready to go to the park in a few hours. After a day game? Damn. You have dinner, go to a bar and it’s still light out. The women are still sober enough to remember all of your pertinent info for a paternity suit, and if you stay out until three, you’re sweating Jagermeister in the fifth inning the next day. That’s rough.

Also, the fans are mean, the Tribune’s cheap and they traded my Neifi.

Hey, have I mentioned yet that I played with Hank Aaron?

Kevin: We’ve got some good young pitchers here. You have a spotty track record when it comes to developing young arms. How do you explain that?

Dusty: Spotty? I’ve developed a lot of great pitchers. Carlos Zambrano is as good a young pitcher as you’ll ever find. What about Billy Swift? John Burkett? Russ Ortiz? Greg Maddux? I’ve had my share. I’d put my record of turning young pitchers into stars up against anybody, like Tony LaRussa, or John Wathan, or Dave Collins. All the greats.

Sandy: I worked with LaRussa in Oakland, and every young pitcher we gave him, he ruined. Wathan? Collins? Have you done a urinalysis for us yet?

Kevin: What interested you in the Cubs job? I know you said you were worried about not working again if you sat out a year? Is that why you’re interested in this job?

Dusty: First off, I knew the Cubs job was gonna be a challenge. They haven’t won a World Series since the Civil War. Let’s just say I needed some wages for the IRS to garnish. Know what I mean? (Winks.) As for this job. I love the American League. It’s a challenge I’m ready for.

Sandy: Dusty. The Padres are in the National League. You used to play us 19 times a year when you were with the Giants.

Dusty: I knew that. Just funnin’ with you. Hank and I used to do fun stuff like that. We’d pretend teams were in the other league, or that Diet Rite didn’t taste like horse piss, or that the hooker we picked up didn’t have an Adam’s Apple the size of a cue ball or a cock the size of my right arm. Just tryin to fit in, right guys?

Kevin: Say we hired you, who would you put on your coaching staff?

Dusty: I’ve got some guys who I know are real good. Guys I’ve worked with. Guys I admire. Sonny Jackson’s a really smart dude. He taught me how to figure out that on base percentage stuff. I always thought it was complicated. I had no idea it was hits plus strikeouts plus at bats divided by games played? I told you Neifi was good. I want to bring in some famous Padres to be on the staff. You guys have a really proud tradition here. Lots of great teams. Like the one that got smoked by the ’84 Tigers and the one who got kicked in the nuts by the ’98 Yankees. Good stuff. I’m gonna ask Goose Gossage to be my pitching coach, Norm Nixon to coach first and Chuck Muncie to coach third.

Sandy: Huh? I don’t know where to start…

Kevin: Dusty, I think you’re mistaken. Goose pitched here, sure. But Nixon played for the Clippers and Muncie was a Charger.

Dusty: Uh…yeah, I meant Otis Nixon and Hank Aaron, and Herman Munster and…

Sandy: Let’s move on. Bruce Bochy and I didn’t always see eye to eye–especially with that weird albino eyebrow he had and all–but I admired the way he ran his clubhouse. Very professional. Guys were respectful, got along, played hard and hung around after games to talk baseball. What kind of clubhouse do you run?

Dusty: I treat men like men. Hank Aaron–I used to play with him–told me that one time. He said a cow with his nuts is a bull. A cow without his nuts is a steak. My clubhouses are like that. I like guys to have fun. With the Cubs we had a great clubhouse. We had teambuilding exercises like “Throw the Annoying TV Announcer off the Plane” and “Who Can Throw the Most Embarassing On-Field Tantrum.” Good times. Man, those were good times. Not enough of those, though.

Sandy: Last question. You’ve had a chance to look at your roster and you’ve managed against our club. In fact, you managed to lose all eight games to us last year. What, in your mind, is a realistic expectation for the Padres next year?

Dusty: I think you can realistically expect to pay me four million dollars next year.

Kevin: Thanks, Dusty. Can you find your way out? The door is there and the parking lot is…somewhere.

Dusty: When do I start? Do we get paid on the first and fifteenth?