Without giving away the ending of last night’s Survivor, let’s just say that it had the best “final words” of all-time. You won’t want to miss what the loser had to say. It’s just great stuff. The beginning of the show dealt with the reactions of Heidi and Jenna to Rob throwing them overboard in the previous tribal council, to save himself.

Jenna angrily tells the camera, “Rob screwed us over. We hate him.”

Heidi says she can’t trust him.

Rob says, “It wasn’t because I don’t like Alex. I just think he told me a lot of things that were not true.”

Meanwhile, Matthew tells the ladies he hasn’t forgotten that they voted for him. “I won’t say I won’t forget it. But it won’t affect the way we interact.” Yeah, it’ll still be creepy and awkward. Just like always.

Heidi starts crying and says, “I can’t turn on people I love.”

I love it when people take the, “I don’t like, I play the game fair” stance. You know who takes that stance? Losers. That’s who. It’s a game. It’s called Survivor, not Frenchie Tea Party. Morons!

You “love” them? Oh, shut up.

Heidi cozies up to Quisty and tries to get her to align with Heidi and Jenna to take down those evil boys. Does Heidi not know that Quisty hates her and Jenna? Of course not, because Heidi’s never paid attention to Quisty, she has no idea. She might not even know that Quisty is deaf.

Rob takes Quisty aside and blatantly lies (though there’s a lot of truth in what he says) that Heidi and Jenna have told him that they know they can last longer than her. It’s Rob’s way of reminding Quisty that the girls will toss her aside just as soon as they need to.

Quisty tells the camera that she likes the guys because they’re honest (not all of them) and that she hasn’t liked the girls because she’s been with them since day one.

She actually says, “I need to decide if I want a million dollars or to be the wast giwl who kicks butt.”

You can’t spend butt kicks, Quisty.

The reward challenge is a convoluted combination race/puzzle in which the survivors have to unbury a paddle and get in a boat and a bunch of other crap. The reward is a visit from a loved one. Who cares? There are like eight days left. You don’t need your girlfriend to show up and start ragging on you for smelling bad and not combing your hair. She can do that when you get home.

Matthew, predictably wins the challenge. Jeff “Anal” Probst gives him the option of seeing his mom, or he can turn that down and let the other five survivors see their loved ones. Gee, what would you pick? Spend ten hours with mommy and piss off everybody else, thereby killing your chances of ever winning, or be magnanimous and earn brownie points out the wazoo? Hmmm?

Even Matthew is smart enough to let the others have their visits.

We see Heidi’s mom, Butch’s wife, Rob’s mom (what’s with all the moms?), Jenna’s dad (she tells him not to run or he’ll hurt his knees—huh?) and Quisty’s boyfriend. I’m not making this up, in a cruel twist of fate, Quisty’s boyfriend’s name is Bwent. Oh, how perfect.

Matthew says to the camera, “I felt like I was God for a few minutes.” Then he took out his machete and killed all ten people, only Anal Probst survived as he hid under Jenna’s father’s rotting corpse.

OK, that didn’t happen. But it looked like it was going to.

The whole gang got to sit around and drink wine and eat. Jenna’s dad told her that mom was fine but, “she got a case of the shingles.” Her mom is David Letterman?

Rob gives a toast to thank Matthew. After a while the loved ones are sent off and predictibly, Anal tells Matthew that he now gets to see his mom.

Matt however is pretty drunk.

How old is Matthew? Because it becomes pretty clear that he still lives with mom. Man, he just gets creepier.

Back at the camp, Butch is drunk and passes out. Quisty gets her foot stuck in a tree. Seriously.

Jenna and Heidi are in their bikinis, Rob is in his speedo (yikes) and he says, “It was like a rap video.” Uh, sure.

Rob wonders aloud if passed out Butch “soiled himself.” Ewww.

Rob wonders why Heidi and Jenna have to harp on the bad stuff. “Remember the fun. Why do people dwell on the negative?” He then starts singing “We’ve Got Tonight.” Yikes.

The next morning, Rob is rethinking his strategy. He says, “I thought I’d take Matthew to the end because he’s a spaz. But now I don’t know if I can beat him. For the record, anybody would have given their chance to see someone to let everyone have it.”

Rob tells Jenna that he wants to take her to the finals because he can beat her. This pisses her off.

Jenna waits until everybody is in camp and starts yelling at him. “Did you tell all of them about your plan to take me to the finals? You’re a snake and a slimeball!”

Rob says, “I AM a jerk. You just didn’t realize it for 31 days. If you want to get rid of me, feel free to write R-O-B on your parchment.”

Heidi tries to convince Quisty to vote with her and Jenna again. Quisty tells Heidi she doesn’t trust her. She then tells the camera, “When da hell did dey evuh wanna tawk to me? I HAF DA POWUH!”

OK, She-Ra, calm down now.

At the immunity challenge Jenna wins by playing global shuffleboard or some crap. Anyway, she gets immunity.

Rob is now scrambling to make sure Quisty is still voting his way. The most disturbing moment of the year ensues. Quisty is lying on some sticks with her hands behind her head. She has enough arm pit hair flowing to make a Frenchwoman blush. It’s awful. She tells him she hasn’t decided.

This would be a mistake.

Rob then grovels with Heidi and Jenna and hopes he has convinced them to come back with him and vote off Quisty.

At Tribal Council, Quisty tells everybody, “I’m in duh dwivers seat.” Anal almost laughs out loud.

The jury comes in and Alex has the worst porno goatee ever. Yikes.

Jenna hands immunity over to Heidi. You can literally see Rob try and contain himself from yelling, “screw what I said before, we’re voting off Jenna!”

The votes are counted though and it’s two for Jenna and four for Quisty.

Only Quisty and out of the loop, poopy pants Butch voted for Jenna. The new alliance of Matthew, Rob, Heidi and Jenna has proven that not only is Quisty deaf, but she’s dumb, too.

Now, the best final words ever.

“I am so pissed off! I didn’t deserve to get voted off. I’m going to make sure those freakin’ evil stepsisters don’t win a million dollars.”

We’re going to miss you Quisty.
—-

The Cubs kicked off May with a great win over the Giants to take two of three in Dusty’s return to San Francisco. Just a great game. It was highlighted by a 10th inning brain cramp by Tim Worrell when he thought there were two outs and not one and didn’t start what would have been an easy end of inning double play. Two batters later, Alex Gonzalez hit his second homer and the Cubs were home free.

The highlight of the day though, wasn’t Alex’s homer binge, or Sammy’s 10th inning blast that nearly landed in the bay. No, it came in the third inning when Mark Prior hit Barry Bonds with a pitch. Barry was hit twice on Monday night by Kerry Wood and wasn’t happy about getting plunked again. He started yelling at Prior and took a few steps toward him. What did Prior do? He came off the mound and gave Barry the “bring it on” wave. Barry stopped walking. Oh, sure, he kept yelling, but he wanted no part of an obviously unintimidated Prior. Great stuff. You can’t not like these Cubs. It’s impossible.

Juan Cruz got a win with two great innings of relief. Kind of makes you wonder why the Cubs keep screwing around with Shawn Estes, huh?

The Cubs are home today for three with Colorado, then face Milwaukee for three and next weekend? Cubs-Cardinals at Wrigley. Muahahahahahahahaha!

Friday just smells like a gamecast. Stay tuned.

—

Rosey’s angry again. He’s got Warren Sapp on the brain, though.

Groucho ponders the end of the John Stockton, Karl Malone era. Remember it for what it was, eighteen years of Stockton being the dirtiest player in the league and Malone being the dumbest.

Ed Sherman on Bob Costas’ “new” show which “debuts” tonight. Come on, this is the third year the show’s been on. And Jim Rome says his return to ESPN on Tuesday “feels like [he’s] come full circle.” Dante made those kinds of circles, Jim.

Jerry Manuel hasn’t been fired yet. Come on, you always fire a coach or manager on a Friday afternoon. If not this Friday, then next Friday, or definitely the Friday after that. Either way, I can’t wait for the Wally Backman era to start. Ooh, pinch me!

The Cubs were all set to fold. They’d had three (THREE!) men picked off first base and it looked like they’d lose two of three for the third straight series. But it didn’t happen. I may not be a firm believer just yet, but be advised that I’m having the oil changed the tires rotated on the Cubby bandwagon as we speak.

Mark Prior has a little Tom Petty in him.

Rick Morrissey dips his toe into the seemy world of Cubs ticket scalping.

New Bear Charles Tillman was a big fan of the SuperBears in 1986. He was FIVE!

Marcus Robinson and his bad knee and back are off to Ballmer.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to try and convince us that Larry Eustachy deserves a second chance. After his rip job of Illinois yesterday, you’d think Jay would advocate Larry’s drunken ass be tossed out the door to create a job for a qualified minority candidate. Hmmm.

Now this is a disturbing photo.

John Jackson on Costas and some dumbass stuff from Mike North. What’s new?

Three of the four Illini recruits say they’d be happy to play for Bruce Weber. Only Hector Villanueva’s son has yet to say he will.

Charley Rosen on clutch guys and non-clutch guys. Read what he says about Vlade Divac. It’s so true.

That’s a fun bunch at Iowa State. Eustachy’s snuggling with coeds, they had to fire an assistant in March for downloading kiddie porn and now another assistant has been suspended for making “threatening remarks.” Wow. At least Jay’s on their side.

Spanish-yes.com’s John Donovan on early season truths and myths. Under truth’s he has Mark Prior. Under myths, he’s got Stevie Loaiza. Check this out on Stevie.

He’s 5-0 with a 1.25 ERA so far.

I had him on a fantasy team in 2001. His April that year? Four and one with a 2.77 ERA.

His May? Oh and four with a 7.12 ERA.

That June?

One and three with a 5.87 ERA. He also had ERAs of over five in July and August.

It’s over. Deal with it.

Stewey says it’s all over but the shouting at Iowa State. And there should be lots of shouting.

Speaking of all over but the shouting. The West Wing is dying a slow death.

David Lee Roth apprehended a fugitive from justice with a shotgun. I can’t believe I just wrote that.

Gee Dub hadn’t done any fighter jet flying since he kept Texas safe from the VietCong thirty years ago.

A report says ten percent of our economy is pot and porn. I’m just glad those NBA players are giving back to the country.

America’s finest news source says that my long lost Arkansasian cousin Gary, has just figured out that his high school band teacher was probably gay.