On the day when Jim Hendry and Carlos Zambrano’s agents made an arbitrator sit alone in a Phoenix hotel conference room while they worked out a $12 million deal for Carlos, Cubs fans all over were given a gift that no doubt will keep on giving.
As intrepid reader Doug Selky says, “No words can describe this.”
This, is BarrettBaseball.com.
At the site you are greeted with a photo of Michael squatting, trying to show off the nifty handiwork of the surgeon who reattached his testicles last September. Bu the real fun begins when you click on “About Michael Barrett.”
As one of the best hitting backstops in the National League, Barrett hit .287 in 2004 with 16 home runs, and 65 RBI’s. Barrett also slugged .489; 80 points above his career average.
That’s the beauty of sucking for six years, you can slug .489 and make it seem like it’s a big deal. You know who else slugged .489 in 2004? Mark Loretta. Actually, Mark slugged .495.
In 2005, Michael won his first career Silver Slugger Award – an award given to the best offensive catcher in the National League – thanks to a season in which he batted .276 with 32 doubles, 16 home runs and 61 RBI’s. Michael’s 16 homers ranked second among National League catchers, as only one other catcher (Mike Piazza) hit more.
You know who had the next most homers for an NL catcher after Piazza and Barrett? The Reds’ Javier Valentin who had 14. All of them off Greg Maddux.
In early 2006, Barrett was selected to play on Team USA’s first-ever World Baseball Classic team, joining a roster with the likes of Roger Clemens, Derek Jeter, and Alex Rodriguez.
And…uh…some guy named Derrek Lee. I can see how your MVP teammate might slip your mind.
But here’s the best part of the whole Web site. No matter how many times you read it, it’s still hilariously absurd.
With the Cubs, he nearly won the batting title, hitting .307, with 25 doubles and 16 home runs in just 107 games.
He nearly won the batting title! The only things standing between Michael and the batting title were so insignificant, I’m surprised Bud Selig didn’t invoke his “best interests of the game” clause and make Barrett the NL batting champ. All that stood between him and the title were:
- Freddy Sanchez
- Miguel Cabrera
- Albert Pujols
- Garrett Atkins
- Matt Holiday
- Paul Lo Duca
- Lance Berkman
- Ryan Howard
- David Wright
- Chase Utley
- Oh, and the fact that he hit 37 points worse than the batting champ.
- Oh, and also, Barrett didn’t have enough at bats to qualify for the batting title. Oops!
Damn! So close.
But the site isn’t just about Michael’s many on field exploits. No sir. Check out “In the Community” which includes this:
During the season, Michael’s main focus was to center his charitable efforts around local children’s hospitals in Chicago.
Talk about committed. Usually the players just drop by the rooms for a few minutes to talk with the kids, sign some autographs, check out how hot their moms are and then move along. Michael is so committed to being a part of these kids’ lives that he actually had surgical procedures and spent weeks at a time rooming with some of the lucky patients. Suddenly, being born without a cleft palate has incredible benefits. You can sleep just a few feet from a guy who couldn’t beat Brian Schneider out for a job in Montreal!
No site would be complete without some Frequently Asked Questions. Michael’s do not disappoint. Though it’s odd how sometimes his answers contain quote marks around them, as though he said them, and others don’t, though they are still written in the first person. Clearly, he needs to consult Cubs’ Internet expert Carlos Zambrano on the etiquette here.
How can I get an autograph from you?
In order to get a signed photo, you must send in a note and a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the Cubs address in care of Michael Barrett. I will always do my best to sign anything and everything that is mailed my way.
Note, there are no quotes around this one. He left out some crucial information. If you want an autograph and send the note and the self-addressed, stamped envelope, Michael will come to your house and sign it for you. All nine of you.
What is your favorite thing to do in the off-season?
I love to spend time with my daughter and my wife, working out and getting in shape for the upcoming season. I also enjoy hunting, fishing, participating in youth baseball camps and working on the creation of the Barrett Baseball Facility.
He’s not lying about the participating in youth baseball camps thing. This past winter he nearly got in a fight during one when he kept butting in line during batting practice. Those nine year olds can get pretty territorial.
What is your favorite current song/group?
“I like a wide range of music. Right now, I’m listening to Lincoln Park, Rush, Pink Floyd, and a little Jay Z.â€Â
He’s quoting himself now, and spelling bands wrong. Oh, and he never did name a song. The wheels are falling off.
Michael, what is your most memorable moment in a Cubs uniform?
“The Cubs/Cardinals series during opening weekend of the 2006 season. On Saturday, I hit a pinch hit home run that helped us beat the Cardinals 3-2, and then I hit a grand slam the next night in the bottom of the eighth inning that won the ballgame. I’ll never forget that weekend.â€Â
I’ll admit, it was pretty cool, both days. It would have been cooler had the Cubs actually won another game before the All-Star Break.
Michael, why do you wear No. 8?
“When I started with the Cubs I wore No. 5. But, Nomar Garciaparra joined the team in 2004 and I gave him that number. I took No. 8 because it was available at the time, and I’ve stuck with it ever since. I hope to be the last Cub to play in No. 8.
Now he’s starting the answers in quotes, but not finishing them that way. Plus, he’s not being egotistical here, it’s very likely that when Michael’s done with it, the Cubs will retire number eight.
For Andre Dawson.
Or Alex Gonzalez.
He also plans on being the last Cub to wear that number by wiping his ass with it after his last game. Michael’s not real clear on the concept that they don’t keep reusing the same jersey over and over again. That probably won’t work. Though it might get him kicked in the surgically repaired testes by Yosh Kawano.
What is your favorite thing about playing in Wrigley Field?
“Besides the most passionate fans in the entire country? The Ivy.â€Â
Michael rolls around in it after batting practice. It’s why he’s always scratching himself.
Michael, where are some of your favorite places to go in Chicago?
“I love some of the true ‘Chicago’ places. I love eating at Gino’s East Pizza, and shopping at great clothing stores like Mark Shale.”
I’m not sure why Chicago is wrapped in apostrophes, and could he have picked a gayer store than Mark Shale? Obviously he misspelled Manhole, too.
I know none of us can wait for the in-season updates to BarrettBaseball.com. It’ll be a great place for him to post his thoughts on the season or maybe his MRI results.
Anyone want to chronicle my life wearing #8 behind the plate at Wrigley Field?
Anyone??
Anyone?????
Site motto “Michael Barrett is the balls . . . well at least until the surgery
with no quote mark at the end of course.
Avenge my honor!
Wait, what was I the MVP of again? The Cubs? Oh, nevermind.
Mike doesn’t have balls? Am I missing something?
I think this is the worst article Dolan has ever written. All that just to make fun of Michael Barrett’s website? I kept waiting for a point.
Nutsack,
The days of the “intrascrotal hematoma” were pretty forgettable, but I think every man winces when they read those words. I think he may still have balls, but they were forever altered when he took the mother of all cup shots last year.
Look how huge I am now on the web! Like, where is Urlacher and Little Cesar. I no see them. You see me! And you see some retard Cardinal fan. I keel him. You know this. Big Z out.
Michael, where are some of your favorite places to go in Chicago?
“I love some of the true ‘Chicago’ places. I love eating at Gino’s East Pizza, and shopping at great clothing stores like Mark Shale.â€Â
Let it not be said that Michael doesn’t stay true to his sponsors.
Per the BarretBaseball.com “Sponsors” page (next link over from the FAQs):
Mark Shale – Michael has teamed up with Chicago’s finest clothing store, Mark Shale, for the 2007 season.
You can catch Michael on April 12, 2007, at the Mark Shale on Michigan Ave., as Barrett serves as a celebrity host of an Esquire Magazine party. Michael will also make another appearance at another Mark Shale store at a date to be determined.
Gino’s East of Chicago – Michael and Gino’s East Restaurants have recently partnered. Stop by any of Gino’s 11 locations in the Chicago area for the best pizza in all of Chicago. Who knows? You might just see Michael Barrett sitting down for a slice.
> I think he may still have balls, but they were forever altered when he took the mother of all cup shots last year.
Dare I say it?
Could you imagine if you saw THE Michael Barrett eating pizza in a RESTAURANT? WOW! I would drop everything and scream like a girl.
If I wanted to hit Michael in the testicles, I think it would have to be a head-butt.
> Could you imagine if you saw THE Michael Barrett eating pizza in a RESTAURANT? WOW! I would drop everything and scream like a girl.
I’d ask if I could scrape a credit card against the grain of his stubble.
But which of the 11 Chicagoland locations will it be?
Wheeeeee!
Why does everyone hate me again?
coming to a PC near you.
It has nothing to do with anything, but this is too much for me today.
There will be two ‘big pussys’ on “Dancing With The Stars” this year.
One of them is the guy from the Sopranos. The other is attached to Paul McCartney’s ex…
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17257926/
2-to-1 odds Zambrano kills Barrett with his bare hands before July. How the fuck is Barrett any less of a douche than Piersynzskiskjkkjkdi?? They’re both fucktards of the highest order.
If the Cubs draft the Wieters kid in the June amateur draft, this will be the last year we have to put up with Barrett’s shit.
The Question:
How the fuck is Barrett any less of a douche than Piersynzskiskjkkjkdi?? They’re both fucktards of the highest order.
The Answer:
Midget wrestling.
That site sucks!
Half of Michael’s fanbase exists because of the sucker punch that he threw at Pierzynszki. I guess that he doesn’t bring it up because he is embarassed. Not that he threw the punch but because he was standing less than an arm’s length away so he could get his body behind it; he was pinning AJ’s arm so he couldn’t retaliate; AJ wasn’t expecting it; and he still wasn’t able to knock AJ down.
Sorry to offend your delicate sensibilities, stew. Next time, I will issue a written advertisement that I am going to punch someone before I do.
Michael, I think stew’s point was that if you’re going to throw a sucker punch, knock the dude out.
They are obviously retiring 8 for us.
MANLAW: If you are going to throw the first punch, make it count. You may not get a chance to throw a second punch
The other half of fanbase exists because I’m one of the only players on the Cubs who can hit a baseball.
Mark Shale and Gino’s east???
Like someone else said, they’re friggin sponsors.
No way he’s ever been to either one.
Not only does this guy call a terrible game, thus wrecking our pitching staff, but he’s a complete jackass too. What a fraud.
Oh for the days of Miller and Bako…. Imagine Miller fielding that same set of questions. He’d call it for real and lead off the answer with the Admiral.
Hey, let’s be positive and support Michael Barrett! We don’t want him to get upset and not do my interview of him!
I am Anna Nicole Smiths kleenex.
I died quick
I still don’t understand why people call it a sucker punch. If you’re belly to belly with somebody who just ran over you, and they’re not ready for anything, that’s their own damn fault. And isn’t the idea of fighting, not only to hit a guy and not get hit? So pinning his arm is a bitch move how? And doesn’t AJ have two arms? He could’ve retaliated with the other hand. Or he’s just to big and slow to react and got punched. Wah! Fuck him sideways with a rusty fire hydrant.
Sometimes you just got to get the superdominant male in a 50’s greaser uniform. Most fights in places like this never get past a punch or two before they’re broken up. There’s almost a natural instinct not to upset the herd. So all I got to do is get in one good punch, play defense and wait.
“Suddenly, being born without a cleft palate has incredible benefits.”
More than 99.5 % of people are born without cleft palates. Being born without one is normal and does not put you in the hospital.
Thanks for that, MK. Are you visiting from NSBB?
Nope I’m just a stickler for accuracy. A stickler with a cleft asshole.
Apex. What sticks in my memory of the incident the incident is the fact that when Barrett approached Pierzsynski (I never can spell that twice in the same way) Pierzsynski (there, I did it, even though it is wrong both times) is smiling, but not in a smug way. It is almost as though he thought that Barrett was going to congratulate him.
Michael Barrett = Douche Bag
You have a cleft asshole? Oh, how humiliating…
First, I agree with JH. This article was a waste. I too kept waiting for a point, or a funny line, or anything. The whole thing is stupid and mean for no real reason, and at no point did Dolan seem to be in touch with reality- you know, that place where all the stuff he quoted as if it were really outrageous was in fact just innocuous, typical official site of an athlete PR shit.
What’s worse is the herd responding without thinking, and hating on Barrett because Dolan did, even though it makes no sense at all. He IS one of the best hitting catchers in the game. He DOES play hard all the time, and he does care about the game, unlike many players. He was one of the few Cubs who could hit last season, whether it be a baseball or the face of someone no one in the world likes.
amen
Calm down, Mrs. Barrett, I mean “wow.” I was making fun of the Web site. I don’t mind your son…I mean, Michael, he seems like a nice guy. I defended him when he punched AJ because punching AJ seems like something that would be fun to do.
The whole almost winning the batting title thing needed to be mocked.
Love,
Andy
Who shoved a hot poker up our ass this spring?
I accurately describe Andy’s writing.
If Dolan could tell good us, there wouldn’t be so many appearances by the joke police in response to his columns. But every post of his constitutes a crime scene these days.
Apparently I’m a worthwhile reason to stop by.
I am also, by the looks of things, a worthwhile reason to stop by.
what b crackin bitchez
I kinda like the site