While the Cubs are hard at work in Mesa doing the kinds of things that will help them win games (like Jock Jones learning how to stay in rundowns long enough for…oh, never mind, Jock’s just busy getting picked off over and over again), the rest of the NL Central has been working overtime to keep up with the Cubs.
That’s right, everybody in the division is quaking in their boots at the thought of dealing with the 96 loss juggernaut that was the 2006 Cubs.
For instance, in St. Louis, Tony LaRussa and Scott Rolen sat down with their general manager, Walt Jockularity, to “kiss and make up” and bury the hatchet. Their relationship became strained last year during the playoffs when Rolen admitted he’d been playing hurt, and Tony admitted that Larry Bowa was right, that Rolen is a fragile pussyboy.
By all accounts their little makeout session went well. So well, that after watching for a few minutes, Jim Edmonds excused himself and spent a considerable amount of time in a bathroom stall.
In Milwaukee, those spunky, up and coming Brewers are ready for their best season since…uh…1982? They spent big money to bolster their pitching staff by hiring Jeff Suppan, even though, Suppan’s not really all that good. Shhhh. Don’t tell them they wasted their money, they’re so cute at this age.
The Brewers have benched Brady Clark in favor of moving Bill Hall to centerfield. That makes perfect sense. Why not take a guy who gives you incredible offense at a middle infield position and move him to the outfield, where his offense becomes more ordinary, and his defense is likely to suffer. Who would do that? Yeah, let’s just move on.
In Cincinnati, general manager Wayne Krivsky has now gone 17 days without trading a prospect for a middle reliever, the longest stretch he’s enjoyed in the time he’s been employed with the team.
Surprise! Ken Griffey the Younger is rehabbing an injury this spring. Junior broke his right hand when his son jumped on him. Sounds more like Mark McGwire’s enormous son jumped on him.
Houston is awaiting word on whether or not Roger Clemens will come back. Last week, Clemens put it at “twenty percent” that he would return to pitch again, and said he’s not sure if it will be in Houston, New York or Boston. He then had his agent call to clarify that Roger really meant it was “22.22%” and that he insisted that the words “might return” be spelled with a “shitload of k’s.” We have no idea.
Meanwhile, in Pissburgh, they are excited about their emerging young team. They’ve got Jason Bay and the guy who narrowly edged Michael Barrett for last year’s batting title (by only thirty-seven points) and…uh…Jody Gerut! It’s time to be optimistic in Pissburgh, gang. They won 67 games last year and you don’t mess with that kind of success.
See, the NL Central is fascinating.
The big news in Cubs’ camp today is that Mark Prior is going to make his Cacti League debut when the Cubs play their fifth game of the spring season next Monday. Previously, the Cubs had said that Prior would need extra time and would be skipped through the first five-man turn. But, in proving that it’s far better to buckle to tepid outside pressures instead of sticking to your original gameplan, the Cubs have moved his start up and will instead make Ted Lilly pitch in relief in that game.
They said that Mark needs “extra time” to get warmed up for his starts, so it would be easier to have him start and Lilly relieve than the other way around. Prior will begin warming up for Monday’s start on Thursday. Hope he’s ready.
Meanwhile, in Lakeland, Florida, everybody’s favorite ex-Cub, Neifi Perez was having a chat with Jim Leyland.
Leyland is seen here asking, “What’s the Spanish word for ‘useless’?”
I think that it is great that Prior is starting on Monday. Get the injury early and avoid the suspense
I didn’t think I would just be able to waltz into town having no DL experience and get priority over a guy with Prior’s track record. I know I need to earn my keep on the DL to get management to depend on me. I just want the first stint to be special.
I’m not sure how Cubs’ fans can bust Rolen’s balls for playing hurt when Mary Prior can’t throw a baseball once every five days without contracting some kind of vaginal infection.
Spanish for “worthless” = Henry Blanco
We were so bad last year that we have to be JEALOUS of pissburg’s 67 wins.
I agree with my incorrectly spelled doppelganger.
When it comes to useless, don’t forget us, the 2003 incarnation of such.
Bako and Harris? Do they even beat out Jose Macias and Todd Hundley? I don’t think so. And I haven’t even brought up the mess now known as Inútil. (spanish for useless)
Please stay Julie!!
Great to see I am in mid-season form already – you know, getting picked off and caught in rundowns…
Go to that Fire Lou Pinella site. youll see somethere
Well now that I’ve denied Santo the Hall again, will you finally put me in my rightful spot as the Dumbass Du Jour? Why do you think I do it every two years? It’s not only because I’m a pompous ass.
I’m the douchebag who got the whole Mark Prior thing untracked. Interviewed earlier on the SCORE today, I basically admitted that at the end of the session with Lou, I simply asked, “Any word on Mark Prior?” when he unwittingly made a story out of it.
See? Like how I did that? Rather than ask something fresh, I simply dusted off the ole’ Prior chestnut ’cause I figured I could always lean back on it. And then, voila, STORY. I’m so clever. Who cares that I suck major rectum as a sportswriter?
Hey… i was pretty worthless too!
Myyyyy worthlessness was almost completely negated by the fact that I played in Yankee Stadium…yes, THE Yankee Stadium.
I’ll take the cake. Really- give me some cake.
The Cubs are not a third place team. Maybe fifth.
Wow, with all those previous names mentioned, it’s gonna be tough to match such great heights of worthlessness. I’ll give it a try.
I was the last worthless pitcher to put on a Cubs uni.
no one tops my .231 career batting average with the Cubs. I think worthless is not even suited for me, more like despicable. Wait I forgot about my good friend k-k-k-korey Paterson.
Hey #19, not if I have anything to say about it!!!!