Just in case you haven’t heard the news. Tony “The Genius” LaRussa was arrested on a DUI charge early this morning in Palm Beach.
Let’s be ladies and gentlemen about this, folks. Let’s not kick a guy when he’s down. I may have gloated a bit too much when I first heard the news. But let’s recognize this for what it is. Tony LaRussa getting arrested for a DUI is the greatest tragedy that has befallen this country since the death of Corey Lidle.
And if you pull up a chair and sit a spell, Uncle Lou is going to tell you why.
- He Still Has to Fill Out His Opening Day Lineup Card. After all that Tony has been through today, the true tragedy is that he’s going to have to put on a brave face in front of a national audience on April 1st. He’s going to have to calm his shaking hands, pick up his pencil, and, with his head held high, write in Chris Duncan, Preston Wilson, and Scott Spiezio as his starting outfield. God speed you brave, brave man.
- No More World Series Memorabilia. While the whispers are still unconfirmed, rumor has it that LaRussa had to hock his World Series ring in order to pay his $500 bond. Since St. Louis shortstop David Eckstein swallowed everyone else’s rings while he was playing with them, there are no tangible reminders left of the 2006 World Series.
- Further Proof That MENSA Members “Aren’t Great Test Takers.” As if it’s not tragic enough to watch the hero fall, LaRussa, a self-proclaimed “genius,” was unable to pass two tests in a matter of hours. First, he couldn’t pass a sobriety test involving seemingly simple exercises such as “touch your nose,” “walk in a line,” and “how many fingers?” Then, LaRussa was unable to pass a simple breathalyser test. He answered “.093,” when the correct answer was “< .080.” America has no need for yet another reminder of its failing educational system.
- The Last American Virgin Just Took it in the Pujol. Let’s face it. LaRussa was no looker. He wasn’t smooth with the ladies. He wasn’t good with the bat. He likes to pretend he’s a smart guy, but he’s a boob. But one thing he was good at was abstinence. Now, I’m afraid even that has been taken away from poor Tony. Those sophisticated gray temples? The flowing mullet? The strong resemblance to Jack’s dad on Lost?
In a Palm Beach cell? He didn’t stand a chance. - Heroes are Dead. I know when you first read the news, you thought to yourself, “Tony LaRussa?! It can’t be! Tony LaRussa is a hero! How could a man who runs such a tight ship and who keeps all of his players completely under control, humble, kind, and free from scandal at all times possibly have made a mistake?” Heroes are dead, kids. I’m sorry. I know you were looking for some ideal to grasp onto after the tragic death of Barbaro left you without a role model. I know the natural reaction was to latch onto LaRussa, and now he’s gone, too. I know you’re confused and scared now, and you’re looking to role models like Ozzie Guillen and Barry Bonds for guidance. You will find none. Heroes are dead. Also, I think I ran over your dog the other day.
So, there you have it, kids. I understand you’re hurting. I understand you’re confused. When you’re lying in your comfortable bed tonight, drifting off to sleep, be sure to say a prayer for poor Tony. I know he’d do the same for you.
-Lou
So how many of you guys are in a fantasy baseball league?
Ho ho ho!
What has the world come to?
Desipiots are currently edging out the Pollyannas in me 50%-47%.
hspace is your friend.
Get me, Pollyannas.
Shit… Looking here I see that 50-47 actually represents lost ground.
Did everyone one here go out and find a life when Andy stopped coming up for air?
If you keep including Barbaro references, this place will be crawling with Deadspinners in no time. They’ll be with you. And they’ll bring leather. And awful jokes.
DK57, female doges
Tim:
hspace is deprecated.
Why are people so critical?
Yeah, awful jokes like “getting an Aardsma”.
You’re welcome #10. You’re so welcome.
You mean z doesn’;t immediately follow n?
> The strong resemblance to Jack’s dad on Lost?
AndOMGhe’sClaire’sdadtoo!!!!11!1
I’ll take “Increasingly Futile Attempts at Humor for $200, Alex”
“This was once a hilarious internet blog about the Chicago Cubs who’s editor has recently gone on sabbatical, much to its detriment.”
What is desipio.com?
“Correct!”
There’s only room enough for one of me round here, chump.
Hey Tony can you spell ” Guilty”?
Yes I can – W-O-R-L-D C-H-A-M-P-I-O-N-S
flip u jeopardy…BK is god!
Dear Jeopardy:
Get F U C K E D.
CT: Wrong answer, douchebag.
I thought the answer was supposed to be a question? You suck at your own game.
PWNED!
jeorpardy is my favorite game show…i just love jeorpardy, god jeorpardy is soooo goooood!