The barr is rorring behind me.

Every year I sit down for hours and think about the baseball season ahead.  I ponder what might happen, who might break out and have a great year, who might disappoint.  I pour over preview magazines, STATS, Inc. books and I put on my fake Bill James beard and interview “him” in the mirror in my bathroom.  Then, I’m ready to publish my fearless predictions for the upcoming season.

The problem is, I’m shitfaced drunk when I do it, and I don’t remember anything I read.  I do remember that “Bill” convinced me to order a pizza at four in the morning last year.

So, in the end, after all my hours of research, what you end up with is, pretty much what you get here all the time.  Crap I make up as I go along.

All for the low, low, price of your high speed Internet connection.  You lucky bastards.

By the way, thanks to all of you who voted us the Best Cubs Blog on SI.com.  We were way ahead the last time I checked, so I’m just going to assume we won.  No matter how many times the nine shut-ins over at Bleed Cubbie Blue clicked refresh and voted again.  Besides, they’re probably all distracted by Dancing With the Stars, and arguing that Ron Santo is twice as good as Heather Mills.

If you’re wondering, yes, I’m back from my two week absence, for good.  I’d like to thank Kermit, and Lou and even Mark Prior who all penned articles in my absence.

On July 24, Desipio will turn ten years old.  Yes, ten.  In Internet years, we’re Methuselah.  We’ll have to think of something cool to do that day.  Other than watch the Cubs lose to the Satanic Fowl.

Anyway, on with the picks.  Let’s start with the American League before you find out I’m picking the Cubs to finish fourth.

American League

East

1. Red Sox — Personally, I hope Dice-K chokes on some frozen blowfish and that Curt Schilling chockes on, something—anything to shut that gasbag up.  I still think the JD Drew experiment will end with him crying like a girl during a home game in August, and their infield might be lucky to combine for 40 homers.

2. Yankees — My favorite message board post of the year so far was by JD, when he wrote: “Kei Igawa?  Really?  Geez…who died and made him the Yankees fifth starter?”

3. Blue Jays — This is the crap that bothers me about baseball, and you watch the Cubs will be guilty of this next year.  Two offseasons ago the Jays took crap for overspending on BJ Ryan and AJ Burnett.  Who hasn’t been guilty of overspending a little on a BJ, though, right?  Never mind.  They had decided they needed to buck up and spend some money if they were ever going to catch Boston or New York.  So this last year?  They let Ted Lilly go because they didn’t want to pay him the insane price that Diamond Jim Hendry offered him, but they also lost out on every other free agent pitcher they sniffed at.  So one year you’ll spend whatever it takes, you improve, and then the next year you puss out and go cheap?  You deserve to live in Canada you hosers.

4. Devil Rays — They have lots of good young players with weird names like Elijah and Delmon, but I’m only picking them fourth because…

5. Orioles — They have Corey Patterson AND Gabor Bako?  Muahahahahahahahahaha!  Oh, that’s rich.  Honestly, with those two they might finish seventh.

Central

1. Detroit — Kenny Rogers in on the DL with a blood clot?  If only Dottie West were around to fill in for him.  Adding Gary Sheffield will offset them sticking with chubby singles machine Sean Casey at first.  The real reason I’m picking them?  Jim Leyland hates Neifi Perez already.

2.  Indians — I’d feel better about this if Sweaty Joe wasn’t closing for them.  It’s not that I don’t have a manly love for Joe, I certainly do, but he’s their best closing option?  Woof.  The rest of the team is loaded, and it was ludicrous that they could outscore their opponents by as much as they did, and still have a losing record.

3. Twins — I love the whole “How can they win without Francisco Liriano” clamor.  Didn’t they roar to the division title last year after he got hurt?  He won’t be around at all in 2007, but Mauer and Morneau will, Jason Kubel’s finally healthy and they’ve got some guy named Johan.  Oh, and all the Boof you’ll ever need.

4. White Sox — Fourth in this division this year isn’t that bad.  I have to hand it to Kenny, the two pitchers he traded in the offseason are hurt (Freddy Garcia) and lousy (Brandon McCarthy).  But when your big offensive pick up is Darrin Erstad (hee hee) and your shortstop is basically on work release, AND Mark Buerhle’s spring ERA was over 9.00, things don’t look so good.   I thought they said Bobby Jenks lost weight?  I don’t think he lost it, I think it’s all stacking up behind him.

5. Royals — All accounts are that Gil Meche is filthy.  Which is just sad.  He’s got $55 million big ones and he can’t clean up?

West 

1. A’s — Starting at first base…Todd Walker!  It’s good to see DBF latch on to a good team after the Padres screwed him over.  They offered him arbitration because they thought he would leave and they’d get a draft pick.  He didn’t leave.  They didn’t want to pay him, so they cut him before the end of camp to save $3 million.  If Rich Harden’s healthy the A’s are better than the Angels.  If not?  Not so much.

2. Angels — Arte Moreno must hate the Cubs.  He was sure he was going to add two big money studs in the offseason.  He was going to steal E-ramis and sign Alfonso Soriano.  Oops!  Instead, they signed Gary Matthews.  Yikes.

3. Rangers — Unlike most of you, I never hated Sammy Sosa.  I wanted to kick him in the nuts on a daily basis in 2004, but I didn’t hate him.  I’m glad he’s back and hope he does well.  But the Rangers NEED him to do well, that says a lot about them.  All of it bad.

4. Mariners — Richie Sexson’s tall.

MVP — David Ortiz.  The voters can shove the whole DH bias up their ass.  I don’t like the DH, but if your league has the damn thing, and the best player is a DH, vote for him.  And stop reaching in to the water for the free press box hot dogs you fat pigs.  Use the tongs.

Cy Young — Johan Santana.  Come on, who’s better?

Manager of the Year — Dusty Baker, ESPN.  Can’t wait to hear his nonsense on a nightly basis, especially since it’s no longer crippling my team.

Rookie of the Year –  Daisy Matsuzaka.  Hey, I picked the Red Sox, didn’t I?

National League

East

1. Mets — Their pitching sucks, but who’s going to finish ahead of them?  The Phillies?  Sure.

2. Phillies — Jimmy Rollins’ spring OBA was .495.  Holy crap.  Something tells me that will go down.

3. Braves — I love that they were actually counting on Mike Hampton this year and he breaks a rib taking batting practice.  Hilarious.  Screw him, screw the Braves.  Any team that employs Chip Caray deserves to suffer.  You think it was a coincidence that he shows up and they go into the tank?

4. Marlins — Even if they’d kept Angry Joe Girardi chances are they’d have taken a step back this year anyway.  The bad thing for Fredi Gonzalez is that simplistic dopes will blame their natural backslide on him.

5. Nationals — They are terrible.  No, terrible’s not the word for it.  They’re so bad it’s like Isiah Thomas put the team together or something.

Central

1. Milwaukee — Seriously?  Nah.  I think they’re overrated, but I didn’t want to pick the Cardinals.  The problem with the Brewers is that their good young players can only play half the game.  Prince and Rickie can hit, but they’re abysmal in the field, same for Corey Hart.  JJ Hardy is a nice shortstop, but he can’t hit.  Bill Hall gives you great value in the infield, but moving him to center cuts that down a lot.  Oh, and Johnny Estrada is a fat singles machine.  Who do they think he is, Sean Casey?

2. Astros — They finally upgrade their offense and they do it with a payroll crippling move for an aging fat guy.  Nice.  Roger will come back to pitch for them, and he’d better because their big rotation addition was Woody Williams?

3. Cardinals — Their starting rotation is laughable.  Karen Carpenter’s good, and then what?  Two bullpen rejects, a guy who can’t bend the bill of his cap and Kip Wells?  No wonder The Genius is drunk all the time.

4. Cubs — They’ve improved a lot from last year.  The manager’s not a dumbass, they added the premier free agent and they honestly have assembled a pretty fearsome offense.  But they lost 96 games for a reason.  They could be 15 games better and that’ll get them to .500.  Actually, in this shitbox division that might be enough.  But I’ll believe it when I see it.

5. Reds — I’d feel a lot better about their chances if their backup to oft injured Junior Griffey wasn’t a heroin addict.  Oh, and it’d be nice if they didn’t trade for a middle reliever every six days.

6. Pissburgh — They find new ways to suck every year.  That won’t end.

West

1. Dodgers — Losing JD Drew wasn’t that big of a deal, but they signed Luis Gonzalez?  Unless he’s getting HGH shipments that’s laughable.  This team has very little punch, and they need Nomar to stay healthy.  You know how that goes.  Then, again, they can pitch, and the West is awful.

2. Padres — Adding my mancrush Greg Maddux will help, because he can hit better than about four of their everyday players.  So can David Wells.  Guh.

3. Rockies — They weren’t that terrible last year.  Nice praise, eh?

4. Diamondbacks –  They always want to brag about their great young players.  None of them have any pop, though.  And how old is Randy Johnson?  70?

5. Giants — If Barry Bonds can stay healthy, and out of jail, he’ll have a great year.  Barry Zito should fare better in that big park than he would have in New York, but this team is old and not very good.

MVP — Derrek Lee.  Suck on it, bitches.

Cy Young — Carlos Zambrano.  20 wins. 10 homers.  Book it.

Manager of the Year — Lou Piniella.  The only thing that will hold back our Cubs is shaky starting pitching after Big Z.  They’ll be better than last year thanks to D. Lee, E-ramis, Soriano and Z.  After that?  Ehhh.

Rookie of the Year –  Josh Hamilton.  Maybe heroin is a performance enhancer?

Playoffs

AL Wild Card — Yankees
NL Wild Card — Phillies

ALCS — Tigers over Red Sox
NLCS — Mets over Dodgers

World Series — Tigers over Mets

Then again.  What do I know?  Squat.