Pitching matchup:
Cubs: Carlos Zambrano, 0-0, 0.00 ERA
Reds: Lemon Harang, 0-0, 0.00 ERA
Lineups
Cubs
Alfonso “Which one is center field, again?” Soriano, CF
Big Red, lf
MVLee, 1b
E-ramis, 3b
Jock, rf
The guy who “almost won the batting title last year”, C
Mark DeRosa, 2b
Little Cesar, ss
Big Z, p
Reds
Ryan “Still kicking old ladies in the head in the stands” Freel, CF
NSBB Obsession, LF
Brandon “I”m hitting third? Really?” Phillips, 2b
Griffey the Younger, RF
Edwin (Not Juan) Encarnacion, 3b
Billy Bean(e)’s ex-boyfriend, 1b
Sea Bass Gonzalez, ss
Dave “Cubs Killer” Ross, c
Lemon Harang, p
Let the 25 year Tribune reign of terror begin to end today.
Oh boy, is this great.
The Red Birds’ season is over. We just have to win out the rest of the season.
Just checking in boys. I’ll likely be AWOL most of ther afternoon. Say hello to Wayne for me.
CT–is CF a cousin of yours?
Yo Jeem, where’s my money holmes?
Mike, no, I generall share a last name with my relatives, not a first one.
Ah, let’s check for sure:
CF, are we related?
What’s the line on Soriano striking out in his first AB and sending the NSBB into full “we should have traded for Dunn” mode?
Or do they never leave that status over there?
TEST
Screw you, that’s my bit.
Less than two hours unti I ensue, female odges.
I’m probably your father, CT.
Ok, how do the damn images work?
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/89/pics/89ecolonblow3.jpg
You can’t just add letters like that.
I’ll be here throughout lunch and contracts. If you’re bored, you can clicky the link and read my NL Central Preview. If only I were as funny as Dolan…
Oh, and Big Z hits an opening day bomb. Mark that.
Si, I hit de homerung over Dunng, he drop a steaming VORP in his pants as he turn to watch.
Since Carlos has flamed out of his last two opening day starts (getting tossed from the one in Arizona was classic), I’m sure he won’t be overly excited today, what with him about to sign an $85 million contract or anything. Nah.
First Carlos pitch ends up in the Cincy radio booth right between the Brennamans.
If only.
As long as Carlos’ first pitch stays as far away from me as possible….
Maybe he could keel them both by hitting Thom with the pitch and Marty with the ricochet.
Hello, Reds fans! You can hear those lovable CUBBIE fans in the crowd today. One HUNDRED seasons of misery is upon them and they’re sure to hit that milestone this year.
Hey, check out that retard in the crowd!
I just went live. What the fuck happened to me?
Oh it is so on, doges.
Get ready for my 2 homer game.
> You can’t just add letters like that.
I didn’t.
This Desipio thing… It’s anarchy, Jerry. Anarchy.
And, no, so far as I know, we’re not related. Though, if you’re looking for someone to make an honest woman of tu madre…
Jock pulls a Tuffy Rhodes, hitting three bombs on his way to Japan next year.
Is the game day audio working on Mlb.com?
Cincinnati’s PA announcer really seems to like his voice. Nothing gets a baseball crowd fired up like a snarling 40 year old wannabe deejay.
Gameday audio is working for me (knock on wood).
Hey Barrett, fool! Gimme my haircut back!
You almost batting title winning fool! I pity you!
But enough jibber jabber! Go Cubs!
Things you can’t make up from WGN’s intro:
1. Rich Hill without a hat. Woof.
2. Rich Hill saying, “We will win. It’s going to happen this year.” Then looking to the left immediately because it’s a big lie.
3. Michael Barrett’s wannabe Marine haircut. Yikes.
Even I have me!
So what are the chances of me actually uttering “Dick Mountain” on the air this year?
How’s the visibility at GAB?
Might your new leadoff hitter’s first at-bat in a Cub uniform (also in Cincinnati) be as favorable as mine was…during Tribune’ FIRST Opening Day?
Ron: I’m here with the fine manager of the Chicago Cubs, Lou Manfredini. Where’s your Square D shirt, Lou?
Lou: Ron, I think you have me confused with a guy you do really awful radio commercials with.
Ron: No. I’m pretty sure we fired Dusty. Any changes in your lineup today, Lou.
Lou: Well, it’s opening day, so there’s nothing to change it from. But from last year I’ve made a few changes. First, I’m not using guys who can’t hit in the two spot, and I’m not batting Michael Barrett eighth.
Ron: Do you have any idea what the attendance is?
Lou: Ron, we’re taping this like three hours before gametime. There’s hardly anybody here.
Ron: Do you know where Andy Masur is?
Lou: Who?
Ron: I need some orange juice. Do you have any orange juice?
Lou: Ron, you don’t look so good, do you want to sit down?
Ron: Yeah. Take this, and do about six more minutes of radio. Wow, these are nice. The cab driver who brings me to the games has these on his seat. What are they, beads?
Lou: So you want me to do some radio. Uh..um. Hey, how about I talk about the time I banged Rosemary Clooney and Audrey Landers? You know, Rosemary wasn’t always a paper towel selling fat ass…
The reds are wearing red. Imagine that, Ronnie.
What, you don’t like the giant Right Guard ad that forces you to scroll through the boxscore instead of seeing everything on one screen? This is the price of progress for the greatest game ever. If you don’t like it, get DirecTV.
Mark Mallory, mayor of Cincinnati with perhaps the worst first pitch in history.
The best thing is that 40,000 Cincinnati-ans just said, “Wait, Mark Mallory is BLACK?”
I can’t believe Pringles fired me over a single indiscretion.
We have a channel called the Strike Zone Channel where you can tune in whenever a team is rallying. The Cubs will appear on that channel sometime in July.
Did we steal the old Pringles logo for our new commercials?
Cuz that’s what it looks like.
FU #35, you fake “Pat Hues”!! The Reds are wearing their home whites!!!
Yes but at least Gameday uses the appropriate term for the guy behind the on-deck hitter.
I’m also where Mark Grace spent every postgames. many of us, in fact.
I’ve just wet myself, Pat
Soriano takes one?
This season’s gonna be great.
New lead-off man, same result.
“When a pitcher has good control, he can throw strikes when wants to and balls when he wants to.” I like balls.
BRAAAAVE!
Soorry I’m late.
DFL, aggressive on the bases
Okay, little help?
Ball
Foul
Foul
Ball
Ball
Automatic Ball
Automatic Ball? Wha’ happened?
Howdy.
If you all had one of me for all of Zambrano’s leadoff walks… you could buy lunch.
I went to my mouth. Automatic Ball 4.
I’m the automatic ball.
Okay, little help?
Ball
Ball
Ball
Ball
Wha’ happened?
You’re pitching for a contract, Z.
I’d like one of those automatic balls, please.
See! Trade Z for Dunn now, while you still have a chance!
NSBB tried to tell us, but would we listen?
Suck it doges.
VORP that
Well, this is an auspicious start.
If only someone could tame him!
Griffey.
Odds on a season-ending groin pull in this at bat?
Shit! Zambrano, you’re on thin ice, buddy.
CF: 8%
I’m blowing right now.
We’re losing 5-0 in the first right now. Could be worse right?
Z’s brings his ERA down to an even 18.00
It’s OK to go to the bullpen early if need be. There’s an off-day before I go out and labor through my usual 4 1/3.
One inning in the books for the 2007 season. And everything is looking good.
This is all my fault. The perceived world is the unconscious mind.
My pants are creamed.
1) I get confused between CT and this new CF guy.
2) Even if we lose 13-0 today, news of the Tribune selling the team has made today a great day. Suck it up, odges, there are 162 games to a season anyway.
He’s the one who has been posting. I’ve been the one having a double cheese at the Billy Goat.
Hah! Carlos you suck! You gave up two runs in the first!
Never mind.
At least we get to lead off the third with teh power.
This game is over! We can all just get one out a piece and you are shut out! Wayne Krivsky is a genius!
What’s the over?
A 16-6 win and a 16-7 win. Where the hell did that get us?
It’s too late, Pete. Windows closed ya degnerate.
So howabout my timbre?
> 1) I get confused between CT and this new CF guy.
I’ll change it.
But I need something pithy. Like “CF”.
CF, go with “BC”
I’m taken.
BC isn’t pithy. It’s pithed.
F(a)G
I like Lou’s lineup, except for the two guys not bred for the heat.
DeRosa breaks up the no-hitter.
> I like Lou’s lineup, except for the two guys not bred for the heat.
It’s still early. I’d like to see DeRosa hit a ball like that in the July sun, though.
Beware the Ides of Short
Shit, my era is almost as big as my nose. You think Z’s sucking…
That’s my department.
Comon Thunder Matt!
I wonder how many times we’ll hear “Izturus looking for his first hit ever against “
damn.
0-2, 2K’s. Time to put in the barber.
That would be me Matt Murton.
I think I hate Murton.
What do you guys want? I homered last Opening Day and we went on to lose 96 games.
I’ll be fine. I’m a’ight.
Nice play by Cesar. He knew he couldn’t get Freel so he banked it off the dugout for the 6-3-4 putout. Very crafty.
> I wonder how many times we’ll hear “Izturus looking for his first hit ever against “
To be perfectly fair, he’s only played 5 of his 6 major league seasons in the NL.
VOPR again
suck it, female doges.
NSBB: “Bitches.”
Apex,
You hate ALL “Moneyball” guys. You’ve made that abundnatly clear. Todd Walker, Billy Beane. Murton. Stop being so obvious.
Besides it’s the 3rd inning of the season. Relax.
According to Brenley, “Adam Dunn on pace to hit 500 home runs this year.” Wow, that’s pretty good.
Time to start hitting Dunn in the neck.
> You hate ALL “Moneyball†guys. You’ve made that abundnatly clear. Todd Walker…
To be perfectly fair, DBF’s 1 o’clock shadow is a little rough on the taint.
The ball will just bounce off the bolt.
That Dunn guy really sucks. He should really quit swinging so hard at everything thrown to him.
Eat it bitches!
Just call me Tuffy ladies.
CC Sabathia up 9-2. Notch a win for Gitles N’ Bits.
Oh, wrong thread.
You kept the same name for your fantasy team as last year?
How gauche.
Tribune’s selling? Shit. Does this mean no more free crullers at the commissary?
If by Moneyball, you mean overrated, then yes. I hate them all. I’ll come around on Murton when he lives up to all this hype you bastards have heaped on him.
I profess to like the new Gameday. It shows DLee and ARam have hit some deep balls to center–just wrong part of the park shots, or?
The Gitles N’ Bits have been in operation since 1989. Why change now after finally winning?
Maybe if your last name had the second “t”, reflecting the proper spelling for how you actually do pronounce your name, then it’d make sense.
C’MON MARK DEROSA!!!
Is Ramirez hurt?
It simply isn’t done.
Single. Single.
Small ball? No shit.
See, this hustle stuff hurts my ankles.
Seriously? Has Aramis already incurred his yearly leg injury?
Et tu Harange?
Watch me fuck this up. Would you Cub fans prefer a strikeout or a weak groundout? How about a lazy pop up?
DFB: “This is why you bat the catcher 8th, dudes.”
Ah, you chose the pop up on the first pitch? Nice choice…I’m superb at that.
I hurt my foot sliding to second but remained in the game.
Well done Izzy. Way to make the last out on the first pitch following a walk.
Anybody tired of me yet?
Yeah, the first disgusted grunt/groan from Santo comes on weak first pitch pop-up from the rubber band slinging SS with the bases loaded. Amen for more of the same old shit.
It’s like Rey Ordonez never left.
Shouldn’t have moved up on the wild pitch, boys. You knew they’d walk DeRosa.
This is why I should hit eighth.
Or fifth.
Hey, one thing you can be sure of is that we’re going to score some runs this year. We promise to get around to it eventually. Wednesday, Thursday… Maybe next week, but sometime.
Dude, I don’t know what the Cubs are waiting for. Harang has 78 pitches through four innings. If the Cubs don’t start getting more aggressive, he may get pulled for a crappy middle reliver before the 7th inning.
Aggressiveness, dude. You hit your way on base.
I can play shortstop
#118.
If you spell my first name with an “F” you might get an idea of what I think of that suggestion.
At least Harang is at 79 pitches through 4.
Fhuck?
Fchuck?
Here’s a better idea. Fuck you.
Huh?
Dear Mr. Kasper,
About your request to get an e-mail address for lenandbob@wgntv.com, why don’t you just get an aol.com one. It’s only $29.95 a month.
Sincerely,
Crane Kenney
PS Do you have any idea where I can get a job that pays $898,000 for doing jack shit like I have now?
……………………..IP H R ER BB K HR Season ERA
J. Contreras 1.0 7 8 7 1 1 1 63.00
About Len telling Hendry how great it was that at the Cubs’ Convention Jim said, “We’re gonna get good and we’re gonna stay good.” I was one of the 1,000 or so who booed and said, “Too late, tubby.”
What, 2005 and 2006 never happened?
Somebody call Prior’s cell phone and see if he can roust the Rally Carp down there in Des Moines.
You have Mad Cow disease, Crane.
With sexy results.
Where’s that pen? Hey Jim, you still have that contract? It’s not like his ERA is 63.00 or anything.
1. E-ramis
2. Alfonso
Lilly, you’re next!
What, you want to crown the Reds already, fine, then crown their ass!
Sure, now you get a hit, you redheaded gimp. See if you can hit one past the pitcher’s mound next time. Cliff! Get a bat.
Get Theriot in the game…
YEA DADDY!
Hit it at Freel, let him throw it into the stands.
We might suck just enough to make this interesting for an inning or two.
> Somebody call Prior’s cell phone and see if he can roust the Rally Carp down there in Des Moines.
The Carp’s a Bulldog now.
Wha’ happened?
Explain how Matt Murton scored from first on a single. Who does he think he is? Enos Slaughter?
She’s a Bulldyke now. Huh?
I don’t know who in the hell I am.
Almost beat that one out, doges.
I’m done after this inning. I’m already 96 pitches.
They’re still shitty.
I’m in a bunch right now.
Can’t wait to see David Weathers come in to close it out.
# Limping Cubs:
April 2nd, 2007 at 2:33 pm
1. E-ramis
2. Alfonso
I’m on MLB Gameday.
Please tell me you’re joking.
#157, Murton was trying to take third on the single when Freel decided to throw the ball in to the dugout. Murton scores.
> I’m done after this inning. I’m already 96 pitches.
In the Johnnie Baker Era, this was known as “warm up.”
Hit the wrong guy, Carlos.
Christ, Z. You hit the wrong guy.
What’s the deal with the limping jokes? Someone help us out.
You were born a minute too late, Apex.
According to Bruce Miles, I won’t have a new contract because of the sale of TribCo.
Z hit the wrong guy.
Zambrono unable to get through 5 on opening day.
This is a recording.
Ron Santo: “Now, I’ve watched Zambrano a lot and he’s just not on today.”
That’s for the profound bit of insight, Ron. You mean to say that a guy that’s thrown 41 balls to 36 strikes doesn’t have his best stuff?
Edwin looks really sleepy on Gameday.
NEW YORK CENTER FIELDER JOHNNY DAMON LEFT THE GAME IN THE SIXTH INNING WITH CRAMPS IN BOTH CALVES
I thought it was Mike Greenberg that had the cow issue?
He looks really sleepy on first base, too.
> NEW YORK CENTER FIELDER JOHNNY DAMON LEFT THE GAME IN THE SIXTH INNING WITH CRAMPS IN BOTH CALVES
He has vaginas in his legs, too?
I’m gonna kill that mf’er. Just wait until he gets in to this dugout.
Blood. Bath.
Hey Apex, mang, let’s hang out. You defend guys like me while ripping the players who the nerds champion. Nice analysis.
BTW how’d you like that Hatteberg walk?
Florida 9
Washington 2
Joe Girardi who?
You ready to fire Z after this pathetic showing? Fine, then, fire his ass!
> BTW how’d you like that Hatteberg walk?
Played right into Z’s hands. Clog ’em up, Hatteberg!
I feel my Cool-ade buzz is starting to wear off. Thankfully, I am not quite sober yet.
No, Jose. Go away. Quit calling my house.
I notice Prior is holding the towel in his left hand. Now the right shoulder weakness makes sense!
The Cubs’ 162-0 season looks to be in a bit of trouble.
I’m about the size of Mark Prior’s clitoris.
The Cubs are coming back in this one.
after seeing the first two hitters go down so quick, I’ve changed my mind. Being 0-1 sucks.
Z hit the wrong guy.
Was that really a 5 pitch inning?
Way to positive, Slak.
Those hitter went down like Sarah Spain on a guy with preseason Bulls tickets.
Yeah, Neil Cotts, hurray.
Actually, Chuck, it was 6 pitches. Get your facts straight, will ya?
Interesting how the Cubs get LESS patient when trailing. Isn’t it supposed to be that you work the count to get on base when you’re behind? Cubs were patient as hell ealrier, now they’re in full “Dusty-endorsed Running Around Like our Hair’s on Fire” mode.
Nice inning, douchewads.
> Was that really a 5 pitch inning?
No.
6.
Well, I was ASKING!!!!
6 is like 20% more!!1!!!11
Dunn NEVER swings at the first pitch! That’s insane!
An opening day loss always sucks so much more than any other early season loss. Because we waited six god damn months for it.
What happens in the Arizona stays in Arizona.
Bitches.
Don’t worry, Izturis will get the rally started.
My 2nd HR was on the first pitch. WORSHIP ME, FOOLS!
Apex, also it stands out more, it doesn’t have all the other losses to hide itself in.
#189 – is that to say it’s big or small? I’m confused–Prior does seem like a tough guy to please.
Where am I today? Am I taking the day off?
Buck up, Apex.
Need I remind about Opening Day, 1998? When we ended up winning 90 games?
http://retrosheet.org/boxesetc/1998/B03310FLO1998.htm
> An opening day loss always sucks so much more than any other early season loss. Because we waited six god damn months for it.
My disappointment is tempered by remembering how our last couple of monstrous opening day wins panned out.
7 pitches, 4 outs
No mention of Lou’s double switch?
Unfucking believable that Harang was in the upper 90’s through 5 inninjgs and he finishes the seventh.
Just going to go ahead and go the distance today, boys…
> No mention of Lou’s double switch?
Possibly because it seems to have somehow… made some sense.
same old shit.
What happened?
Oh crap, they’re figuring it out already. Bring me a couple more lipsticks for the pig.
I don’t think Lou’s gonna be too cuddly after the game.
> The Carp’s a Bulldog now.
Hi, cutie.
All those who positive Mike Weurtz, you are dopes.
…to Wuertz.
I’m looking a hell of a lot like 2006 right now!
3K’s for Murton. Ugh.
Murton’s just got the hat trick on Ks today.
Shoulda started me.
How long before I replace Cubs Live?
BOO DADDY!
Time to lower my trade value/
What the hell you talking about ’07? At least I won the first game!
Good Lord…..this is awful. Lou better chew everyone’s ass out.
Where’s JD? He’s supposed to be bringing the positive for Jock.
Vote for me as today’s LVP!
JD positives everyone. Even Crapsar Izturis.
POSITIVE!
Where’s Phil Nevin when you need him?
You don’t know the history of the Cubs losing badly on opening day…
I do.
Looks like the entire Cubs’ bullpen will get in today’s game.
At least the White Sux are being owned.
Damn….I’m going to Cincinnati. They sure love us there. That was a hell of an ovation to Josh Hamilton.
Why did I get a standing ovation?
cubsfaninfla:
What the hell are you talking about – chewing someone’s ass out…
I don’t swing that way douchebag.
Because Cincy looooves drug addicts just like the South Side.
> All those who positive Mike Weurtz, you are dopes.
Dave Myers positives Wuertz:
“Michael is going to be a key for the 2006 bullpen. Come on Mike, mow ’em down.”
I have an MBA and I’m a dunbshit. My plan is to just brand my name . . . based on my years of service to the team.
They can use that to pay down $8.3 billion in debt.
http://www.chicagobusiness.com/cgi-bin/news.pl?id=24454
Is this what, ‘Play like there’s no tomorrow’ is?
To Lou –
Didn’t mean it that way.
I chew ass out before. Not make me explode from sexy time.
Oh, man!
</obvious>
And here I thought Cincy just loved meth heads.
We love every type drug addict!
Here comes the 9th inning 5 run rally and then Dempster will close it out in the 9th. I positive.
*correction: Every type OF drug addict.
Well, that sucked.
Looks like Cincy didn’y need Dempster.
Fuckin’ white guys.
See you guys next year.
Let the Lou Pinella era begin.
GOtta wait two more days for the next abortion. Go Cubs!
I think tomorrow’s dose needs to be written by Lou. I’m sure he’s got a few things on his mind that he’d like to share with the rest of us.
Trial by fire, gentlemen.
161 or bust.
When does this become “Cubs Dead”?
228 > 262
Can I take my “Cubs BELIEVE” wristband off now?
hey 263, let’s say I wrote both.