If I don't catch the ball, they can't make me throw it.When you are 5-8 like the Cubs are, including a sterling 2-5 at mostly (but not completely) full Wrigley Field, you figure there are a lot of guys to blame. That’s true of the Cubs.

Cesar Izturis can’t hit to save his life and spent one day punting the ball around the infield like Brad Maynard and Pat Summerall playing with their chiropractor.

Jock Jones has now been equally lousy in all three outfield spots.

Wade Miller has made two starts and in the whopping nine innings he’s made it through he’s allowed a baserunner (or many many more) in seven of them.

Alfonso Soriano plays the outfield like a lot of guys. A lot of nine year olds. When he catches a flyball and does that little one foot hop you half expect the team to have orange slices and VitaminWater laid out for him on the bench.

But even beyond that (and Ronny Cedeno’s relative worthlessness), one guys stands alone as the posterchild for Cub incompetence so far in 2007.

I’m not going to blame all of the Cubs failings on Will Ohman. That would be wrong. I’ll just blame a lot of them on him. On the recent homestand he was on the mound when the eventual winning run scored in two of the five losses. In another he came in with an 11 run lead and managed to hold it. He only gave up three. In one inning.

Since Bob Howry crapped his pants and gave up a game-losing homer to Adam Everett in the home opener on April 9, the Cubs’ bullpen has been asked to pitch 27 innings.

They have given up only four earned runs in those 27 innings and they have only allowed two inherited runners to score.

It’s not going to shock you to find out that during that span, Will Ohman has allowed four earned runs and allowed two inherited runs to score.

That’s right. If you combine the numbers for Michael Wuertz, Bob Howry, Scott Eyre, Ryan Dempster, Angel Guzman and Neal Cotts you get 25 innings pitched, no earned runs, 13 hits allowed, six walks and 27 strikeouts.

On the homestand, pitchers not named Ohman had a combined ERA of 0.67.

Will’s was 18.00.

But it goes beyond the numbers. How about his sterling performances in key situations so far?

In a game in Cincinnati he entered the game with runners at first and second, tied at two, with two outs. He was facing Adam Dunn.

Here’s the pitch sequence.

Ball
Ball (wild pitch – runners to second and third)
Foul
Ball
Swinging strike (ball had to be saved by Barrett from going to the wall which would have been a tragedy because the go ahead run would have scored.)
Ball (a tragedy because this one got past Barrett, it was ruled a passed ball, but it caught a lot of field before it actually got to him and the go-ahead run scored.)

So bounced curveballs put the runners in scoring position, then another allowed a run to score. Of course, the next pitcher, Angel Guzman got a harmless flyball to end the inning. If Ohman could have merely walked Dunn without throwing court-length bounce passes it still would have been a 2-2 game.

Then, how about his infamous appearance last Friday against the Reds?

Staked to a five run lead (in great part to his own homer and two runs scored), Carlos Zambrano inexplicably craps his pants in the fifth.

Brought in with the bases loaded and nobody out to face back-to-back lefties, Ohman really cranked it up. He threw nine pitches. Eight of them were balls. Six of them didn’t make it to home plate. The tying run scored. The eventual winning run scored. Mike Wuertz then came in and struck out the side on 11 pitches.

So, when Soriano hurt his hamstring and the Cubs needed to open a roster spot for Felix Pie, they decided to send down a relief pitcher. Ohman apparently has an option left. So does Angel Guzman. Hmm. Tough decision.

So they sent down Will. His reign of terror ending until he can get things straightened out (if ever) in Iowa.

Wait. Huh? Oh yeah, they sent down Guzman. Brilliant.

Wait until you hear the reason. With Wade Miller sucking ass, the Cubs are thinking about replacing him in the rotation with Guzman, especially with Mark Prior seemingly out until 2011. They wanted to send Guzman to Iowa to get a start or two in preparation for maybe joining the rotation.

This is so Cub. In yesterday’s game, Miller and Ohman (two guys who shouldn’t be on the staff right now) pitched in six of the game’s 14 innings. They allowed runs in three of those six innings. Cotts, Wuertz, Howry, Eyre and Dempster pitched in eight innings and didn’t allow any runs. The Cubs lost 4-3.

Bra-freakin’-vo!

When you find yourself looking at stats and thinking, “Hey, maybe Les Walrond would be a better option,” it’s time to load Will Ohman into the catapult and give him a launch to the west.