Pitching matchup:
Nationals: Sean Bergman (What? He’s still pitching?) 0-2, 2.79 ERA
Cubs: The Lawnmower 2-2, 5.77 ERA
Wait, I guess that’s Jason Bergmann. Ah, who cares?
Lineups
Nationals
Felipe Lopez, PG St. John’s
Mini Manny, 2b
Ryan Zimmerman, 3b
Ryan Church, cf
Ryan Austin kEArNS, rf
Ryan Dmitri Young, 1b
Ryan Brian Schneider, c
Ryan Kory Castro, lf
Jason Bergmannnn, p
Cubs
Mr. May, lf
Cornelius Clifford Floyd, rf
MV Lee, 1b
E-ramis, 3b
Almost Batting Champ, c
Jock, cf
Mark of the Rose, 2b
Cesar?, ss
Carlos, p
Thanks Lou, we needed the day off. Not playing yesterday was exhausting.
The best way to showcase Jacque Jones for a trade would be to not play him.
My career pretty much died when I got hit in the melon with a pitch in 2003. Any chance my comeback will end the same way?
It’s not my fault that my dome has grown to the size of a Pujols…I mean, a pumpkin.
Buddy.
I remember when I used to play baseball. Early retirement aint so bad though
Best thing about playing Jock in center is that the other teams gets to run on his “arm” twice as often.
Lead off triple on an 0-2 pitch. Good start
When I sign my new deal, no matter which team it is, I’m going to have April removed from the calendar.
And maybe the first week of May.
here comes a batting practice fastball felipe
I’m sure this is my fault. Blame it on me. Blame everything on me.
Makes me so mad, I just want to sucker punch somebody. I guess I can wait two more weeks until I see AJ again.
I’ve changed my number again. 20 didn’t seem right. Now I’m going to wear 3.14.
Cy Young Award here I come.
Carlos: Where’s Hank?
Barrett: He’s not catching you today. I am.
Carlos: Which one are you? Bako?
Barrett: I’m Michael Barrett. I’ve played with you for four years now.
Carlos: Huh? Really? You any relation to Jody Gerut. I remember him. Tall guy, big leg brace…
Barrett: I almost won the batting title last year.
Carlos: This isn’t ringing a bell. Where’s Hank?
Barrett: Look, just throw strikes. The Nats suck.
Carlos: Wait, I remember you. Didn’t we pick you and Neifi up the same day when we were in Montreal?
Barrett: That was Mike DiFelice. You remember him and not me? He was only on the team for a month!
Carlos: Go squat over there. I’ve got an ERA to inflate.
here comes batting practice….
Z’s serving up batting practice today. 4-0 in the first with one out.
Think Scott Boras still gives a shit that Zambrano dumped him over a year ago?
I’m torn between watching my team lose and enjoying the erection I get whenever I see Austin Kearns.
Well, it’s as close to an erection as I get these days.
My Mom said I just had an awesome catch!
Showcase, bitches! Complain all you want, but I’m better than Juan Pierre.
For fuck’s sake. What does it say about Z’s status as an “Ace” that I’m not at all surprised by this?
i made a nice catch now watch this 6 hopper i throw into the infield
At least I can still hit.
You’re welcome. That’s all I have to say. Watch over the next few months as Carlos becomes Kerry Wood with a tan.
He’s still one of the best fourth starters in baseball.
**Begins to weep**
I told you to sign Gil Meche.
Is the bullpen up? At least THEY should be rested.
Hey, did you guys know that there are bullpen mounds right over by the foul line? Crazy. I’m not going to run over by them.
We’re ready!
I’m back to haunt….
We may have led the Majors in the fewest runs scored as of this morning, but we’re playing the Cubs today!
cubs 9
nats 7
Nats 10
Cubs 2 (both before the 4th inning)
Maybe Zambrano’s agent shouldn’t have purchased me on credit.
Should we broadcast the game in silence today? I think we’re jinxing the team – big time.
chicks dig the gapper
What was that Lee? That wasn’t a double.
Don’t worry, Len and Bob. I’m still hot.
hit me!
When’s the Cubs’ next road trip?
Was that a triple play? Did the inning end with 5 outs?
2 this inning
Over/under at 10 for the game
I’m warming up in the pen.
35 pitch first inning? Carlos may not finish the third.
Screw this. I have Dune on DVD. (puts feet on desk and sips pepsi in silent disdain for the entire universe)
Hey, check this out. One of our guys is playing catch right next to the foul line. It looks like Neal Cotts. Hi Neal! What’s going on? You gonna pitch today?
I was a sweet pitch on the inside corner.
Hey Carlos, I could have done this.
What did you guys say? I can’t hear anything. I’ve got something in my ear.
Today is a national day of morning in Germany.
Between the death of Dirk Nowitzki’s season and David Hasselhoff’s shirtless, laying-on-the-floor sandwich eating, it was a rough day, yesterday.
Anyone want to see me throw a complete game shut out?
Hey I’m looking for some wrinkled, beaten-down hack writer named Mike. He’s into me pretty big after the Mavs failed to cover. You know where I can find him?
Am I scary to pitchers or what?
There have been an awful lot of Z’s pitches pictured here today
Lead off man on for the third straight inning.
I am batting .186
I have no joke for that, I just thought you’d like to know.
So, is Mr. kEARns now an unofficial Bear TE?
Wow, I typed national day of “morning” eh? Wow. Let’s pretend I didn’t do that.
You know the game is not going well when every time you look up, WGN is doing a close up of yet another Cubs reliever.
Today, the Cubs are just like me – they don’t have a leg to stand on.
I’m disturbed by Dmitri Young’s beard.
Carlos has thrown 63 pitches so far. What are the odds he makes it through the fifth?
I’m disturbed by Chris Troha’s beard.
I wish we played in the NL Central.
It’s a goatee!
Making it through a fifth was never probklem for me, #59.
Making it home, on the other hand…
Making it through a fifth was never probklem for me, #59.
Making it home, on the other hand…
Z should get his next 37 pitches out of the way next inning and be in the showers by 2:30 PM.
Who’s that hack from the Cards that has his goatee died red? Wasn’t he riding shotgun with Josh the other morning?
You mean 57 pitches, don’t you?
Josh,
The double post, again? Are you drunk?
I figure by the time he gets to 100, the game should be firmly out of hand.
I’m disturbed by this movie Dune. These people have strange eyes. Me no like.
Enjoying Carlos Zambrano? He’s the final part of my trilogy.
Was my infield hit anything like Willie Mays Hays?
I’ve got the getting picked off part down….
Bob just said D. Lee hasn’t had a double in four at-bats. He’s due for one.
Dune was more disturbing because it was really, really, bad.
I’ll make it through the bottom of the fifth…maybe two of ’em.
i sure am glad i took carlos as my first pitcher
Lee goes yard!
I’m watching the Sci-Fi Channel one. It’s not bad. Closer to the book.
That wasn’t a double either. What’s up with Derrek? Is he feeling OK?
4-2 Nats.
Yeah, he’s been lifting.
DLee makes it 4-2.
See, that’s how you hit a double.
chicks dig the long ball too
Nice wrist action.
Are you kidding, Andy?
It looked like two doubles to me.
I am the only guy on this team who gives a damn. If only I could pitch.
Aramis is out for 98 days because someone touched him.
Oh for an FYC moment/
Mark Cuban would probably trade Lee away for nothing.
Insane. Ramirez scores from second on an infield hit to the 3B.
AFTER colliding with Mike Quade.
No pose today, doges.
That’ll do.
That’s ironic. Barrett taking advantage of a fielding error.
Let’s build some trade value.
get out of the way old man
Oh, for the Jock Jones Pose about now.
3 runs? 3 stinkin’ runs. It would be nice if you guys gave me some run support.
“Jock Jones flies out to deep center.”
Tell me he posed.
Man, this movie is pretty decent. Better than Star Wars I & II. How are teh Ucbs doing?
Could you imagine being a Nats fan watching your team pitch Lee with two out and a guy on first? What the hell were they thinking?
And yes, he posed.
Thank you Brian. Apex, if you’re still talking about Dune, I think it’s safe to assume that you’re high.
According to Gameday Jock’s fly ball was over the center field wall for an out.
Looks like I left the choke on in the early innings. I’m all better now.
I told you I’m not watching the old 1988 version. It’s the 2002 one that the Sci-Fi Channel made. I know the old one is bollocks. This one was in the library, so I checked it out. It’s got William Hurt and the fat dude who played the news reader on Rome.
Are you guys telling me you’ve seen this version and it’s crap? I don’t think it’s Lord of the Rings good or anything but it’s aight.
SciFi Dune? Unless Linda Hunt is in it, fuck it.
I’m up second this inning. Is everyone excited?
Linda Hunt was also in “Stranger Than Fiction”. I thought she was dead.
Botched hit & run.
Nice fucking job, Cesar.
Now he doubles.
Linda was in Twenty Bucks. Bizzare movie with some very good parts. Placing Christopher Lloyd with Steve Buscemi was inspired.
I remember 20 Bucks, Chuck. It was one of dem “interconnected” bunch of stories, right?
And back to even.
You cannot blow us out! We do not allow it! We always come back…
…don’t worry, we’ll still let you win, just not by more than two runs.
I love running my team into outs.
Soriano in that #12 looks like me.
Yes. And it had a very good looking Melora Walters.
I just watched a very strange movie with Steve Buscemi called In the Soup. Strange movie. Pretty good, has some funny parts. Buscemi is awesome.
Looks like the awkward slide over the plate hurt me. But hey, at least the dumbfuck third base coach didn’t try to tackle me.
When the fear is gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
D. Lee is just hitting the piss out of everything.
#119,
Is Al hurt again?
Santo was saying that Soriano hurt himself on the slide, too. But then he said he was wrong and the trainer was talking to Pie instead.
Is Santo’s eye sight as bad as his heart? Is that a rhetorical question?
They’re all black to me.
Yeah, get pissed Lou!!! I’m not even watching the game and I know he was picked off!!
Picked off? Soriano’s injured?
Will somebody provide a little PBP? I mean, I can see that Big Z’s following his pattern of immediately giving up runs after his team’s scored, but who the hell’s getting picked off?
If I’m such a hardass that Z has to pitch around me every time, why am I hitting .231?
When you have diabetes, everyone’s black.
We don’t want you to actually hit Ryan, because we’re trying to deflate your value so we can trade for you.
Soriano’s fine. Cesar froze at 2B, after his double, when Z hit a grounder to second. On that last play (before the flyout), on a groundball to the right side of the infield, Z didn’t bother to cover first. Oh, little leaguers get benched for taking the route on the Lopez double that Soriano took. He made a straight b-line right for the ball, instead of angling back. Ugh.
(gesticulates)
There’s no way Soriano looked as bad as me, no matter how BAD his route was.
When we start comparing our left fielder to Chris Duncan, we’re sunk.
The reason the trainer was talking to me was because I got all excited during the rally and banged my head on the dugout ceiling. Happens to all irrepressible rookies.
Not necessarily.
Compared to Chris Duncan, Alfonso Soriano is Willie Mays.
See, that’s not too bad.
My comment about the pick-off was pertaining to Felipe Lopez dancing off of second base. Z tried to pick him off and the consensus was that the ball arrived at the bag before Lopez, but was a little high so Lopez was able to slide in safely before the tag was applied. Cesar Cesar argued a bit, and Lou came out to share his opinion as well.
#128,
Even me?
#119, leave Quade alone – he’s a hell of a coach. In my opinion, he should be the manager.
Who the hell are you, 137?
Compared to Chris Duncan, Alfonso Soriano is black.
Yeah, that’s all right, too.
Matt, not you…
After 5 innings, the pitch counts are all even at 87. I will say that Lou, or Gerald Perry has got these guys seeing a lot of pitches, if not necessarily walking.
There’s no two ways about it, my beard is minging. I still have egg in it from breakfast.
CT and Tonker, point taken. By the way, is it too soon to start using Hancock as a verb? Like in, I hate Poo-hole so much, I wish he’d Hancock himself.
I’ll just have a nice sit down in the middle of this play.
What’s going on? It’s been a 3-2 count on Schneider for about 5 minutes.
Does anybody else get pacman (the same game over and over) and really annoying music on mlb.tv, in between innings? Or is it just because I’m outside the US? It’s really getting on my tits.
Grounded out to De Rosa, who thought about not picking the ball up and then finally threw to Lee. We’re in the bottom now, Pie batting for Z.
Nevermind. Gameday is finally catching up.
Len and Bob are discussing who’s going to be sent down in order to keep 12 pitchers when the Cubs need a fifth starter. Accompanied by long, longering shots of Ron Ce.
Thanks Tonker.
A few insurance runs would be nice.
Hello? Anybody else out there? I can’t believe I’m Paulcasting in a Cubs Live!
I’m hitting a very quiet .322.
Micah Bowie is warming up in the Expos pen. Anyone else surprised he’s still in the league? Geez…
Soriano just struck out on a fastball over his head, and it looks like that’s it for Bergmann too. Into the seventh.
Micah Bowie? Michael Restovich?
Washington sucks.
CT, maybe you should have told Zambrano before the 1st.
on MLBTV is very annoying. But I am also outside the US so that doesn’t answer your question tonker.
I’m apparently pronounced Booey?
(fears for his positive)
Cotts walks the leadoff hitter and now Wuertz is in to face Ronnie “Thug-Life” Belliard. Nobody out in the 7th.
I’m not afraid of this Zimmerman bitch.
You should be, Mike.
Will Ohman is coming in?!?!
Wait, Scott Eyre is the only other lefty in the pen?
FUCK.
Looks like Lou is going to go through the entire bullpen today. Good move bringing Oh!man in with runners on 2nd and 3rd.
Oh shit, here comes Ohman.
Actually Cotts K’d Restovich and walked Lopez. Wuertz got Ronnie B to pop up and Zimmerman showed him who was bitch with a double. Second and third, two out. Ryan Church up.
Time for the Bullpen to sack up and do its part for once this fucking season.
Ronnie Belliard’s profile on Yahoo says that he weighs 197 lbs. If that’s true, then he must have been inflated with helium.
I’d say one more wild pitch ought to be enough for a trip to Des Moines.
Then again–I shoulda been gone after the way I crapped my pants to start the season.
its always a good time for me!
Make that bases loaded with Kearns coming up. 4 pitch walk. Thanks again Will.
I thought you were watching Dune?
I’m hanging on by a thread.
Double-switch, anyone?
I was, til the Cubs decided to make a game of this.
4 pitchers in 1 inning.
Does Howry throw a curveball? Because if I hear Pat Hughes describe one 30ft. curveball during this at-bat, I’m going to scream.
Looks like they’ll have to bring up Guzman and Marmol. The Cubs are carrying thirteen position players, eleven pitchers and one sack of shit.
FYI – The Riot came in to play second on the double switch with Bob Howry.
I’ve got balls of steel! Nobody scored did they?
Man, I even get Pacman instead of Ron Santo. Oh, no… wait, Ron’s back. Can I have Pacman instead, actually?
Did anyone else see the prick with the Yankees cap at the Cubs game during Ron’s rendition of the Seventh Inning Stretch? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Hey!
Ronnie Bellaird weighs 197 pounds on me.
There’s nothing quite as efficient as using four pitchers to get three outs.
Who’s pitching for Washington? Levale Speigner? This is like one of those early spring training games when Pat just makes up names for the guys who aren’t on his roster.
Seriously, how does Ohman still have a job tomorrow? That butt-munch shoulda been cut in mid-April, and has yet to prove he deserves to stay.
I’d wear a Cub hat to a Yankee game. Who cares?
Derrek Lee is hitting .422 with a .492 on base average. Hello!
If I’m pitching today, I’m throwing everything inside to righties, outside to lefties. This umpire must be a little confused as to where home plate is.
Why what did he do?
What the hell do think isn’t workin’! You see the damn game!
He and his little boy sang along with Ron. For shame.
Was that a clip of Chris Duncan playing catch outside the park?
Not much – I’m just not much of a Yankees fan. Or any team in the AL for that matter.
Nice one Manny
I have the weirdest name in MLB.
I’m the only solution to the Will Ohman problem.
Maybe Ohman will pull a Hancock?
I’d work, too.
I forgot why we said Wade Miller went on the DL, but whatever it was, Ohman’s got that.
197 – That name is just French. Al la Weird. And a cheese-eating surrender monkey.
Micah Boooooo-e throwing in the National’s bullpen again.
Time for a visit from the Ohman.
That’s harsh, bozos (#199).
Report to me for sensitivity training.
BTW not even our commentors–save dor someone who goes by “Dan Serafini”–dare say anything bad about Hancock.
I’m lefthanded. I’ve got a gun. Why not keep me around as the centerfielder/LOOGY? You know I’d be a better reliever than Ohman.
A 1-2-3 inning. Wow, they still make those for teams playing the Cubs?
We got traded for Ryan Langerhans?
Two things (of many) that don’t bode well for ex-Cub Micah Bowie.
He’s lefthanded and Jock just got a hit off of him.
He looks like the love child of Paul Assenmacher and Dick Ruthven.
Hey Felix, how about you learn to hit a curve ball before you learn to throw one?
Deadspin, sensitivity training? I’ll take the Desipio class…you know, the one that teaches all those cool jokes.
Last year, with much hope, I ordered 30 black arm patches with 13 on them for Neifi Perez. We bled brake fluid from his car, put rat poison in his quesadillas and hired Tara Reid to have sex with him, but none of that killed him. I began to give up hope that these patches would ever be used.
Suddenly, I’m like that giddy boy who used to comb the beaches at Nagasaki for shells of my youth. I may be able to unload these patches after all.
Gary Hughes: Jimbo, let’s send Ohman out before he costs us more games.
Jim Hendry: I don’t know, I don’t want to screw up Iowa’s bullpen.
Gary: Don’t send him to Iowa. Send him to West Tenn.
Jim: Our AA affiliate’s not in West Tenn anymore.
Gary: I know.
Both: Muahahahahahahahahaha!
Fung you Yosh.
I stink.
So that’s what I look like.
If I do my usual, we’ll win our first one-run ballgame. In the 17th.
I’m a huge latin douche. Strike me out.
i am turnning
Que!
I can beat Ronnie Belliard’s pants
Always.
I’m not afraid of that Ryan Zimmerman bitch, but…
Barrett: Hey, throw a strike!
Dempster: Get the fuck out of here.
possibly just jinxed the Cubs by saying “what a great win” after only 2 outs.
Fuck you
The strike zone is not the only thing he’s having trouble controlling.
Woo! We’re unstoppable!
Or something.
chick – i love you
No, I jinxed it by reading the credits. Wait, no I didn’t. Cubs win!
K!
I have been particularly sharp and funny today.
I thought being angry with the Cubs was the basis for good humor. Looks like we can be funny when they DON’T suck, too. So we got that going for us, which is nice.
Cubs win again, bitches!
We are the opposite of 0 for May
we are -1 for may? huh? i’m confused
A win tomorrow and the Cubs are officially me. Ahh, progress!
Just a quick question…..Is Ronnie Woo Woo dead? Seriously.