Sean Marshall returned from what the Cubs were calling “shoulder fatigue” to make his season debut last night in San Diego.  While watching the Cubs hit like their bats were really just damp wrapping paper tubes, I experienced what I’m calling “attention fatigue.”  Still confused over the flash-forward in “Lost’s” season finale, I sat there, vacantly watching the Cubs swing at David Wells’ 67 MPH heat.

I guess I know what it feels like to be Lou Piniella.

The Cubs can trot out all the stats they want.  I know the team is second in the NL in batting and sixth in pitching, but they still suck.

Both games in this series they’ve taken 1-0 leads and then tucked the bats in for the night.  Not only is that a piss poor recipe for winning games, but it makes for some pretty boring baseball.  It could be that they are sensitive to the fact that many of us have to get up early and that 9 p.m. starts can rob us of our much needed beauty sleep.  So when they go up to bat they’re trying to get it over as quickly as possible as a public service to us.  Right?

All I know is that unless the Cubs or Astros get their act together the freakin’ Milwaukee Brewers are going to win the NL Central.  I’ve got a secret for you, gang.  The Brewers aren’t really all that good.  They’re not a bad baseball team (and as Cubs fans we know what those look like), but they’re in reality just an above average team that got off to a really good start.  In their last 13 games they are 4-9.  The Cubs have taken advantage of that to gain ground.  Yup.  Over that span, the Cubs are 4-8.  They’ve picked up a half game!

Houston’s got lots of problems, too.  So honestly, the NL Central dash to the finish has the makings of a three-legged race where you have to tie three people together to get the requisite number of limbs.

As my brain went numb and I sat, blankly staring at the TV last night, I did have moments of actual lucid thought.  Now that Derrek Lee is playing without the use of his neck, how many guys do the Cubs have that you would classify as “good baseball players.”  By that, I mean guys who don’t have a glaring flaw in their game.

Let’s just go through the starting lineup last night.

1. Alfonso Soriano, lf — He made a really nice catch in the game last night, one that forced him to actually hustle.  So we know he can do it.  Maybe he just forgets from time to time, or rather, most of the time?  There’s nothing Soriano can’t do on the baseball field.  He’s got a great arm, top notch speed, power, and he can strike out on pitches that don’t even come within an area code of home plate.

2. Angel Pagan, cf — I was hoping it wouldn’t happen, but it has.  After a hot week or so, Angel has remembered that he is, in fact, Angel Pagan.  The sucking has begun.  Well, we’ll always have May 10-20, Angel.  It was special.

3. Derrek Lee, 1b — He’s so stiff right now, I half expected to see a bolt stuck out of the side of his injured neck.

4. E-ramis, 3b — This actually might be our answer.  He’s hitting for power, he’s taking pitches, his defense has been good and he’s actually hustling.  Who knew?

5. Michael Barrett, c — He’s been lousy.  He is leading the league in a category though.  He’s got six passed balls.  If anything, he’s actually regressing behind the plate.  The passed ball on Tuesday night he didn’t even try to shift over and block.  Plus, watch the look on the faces of every Cubs pitcher–not just Carlos–when Barrett comes to the mound to enlighten them with his strategic baseball brilliance.  They all look like they’re tempted to kick him in his re-sewn man bag.

6. Matt Murton, rf — I know he’s playing out of position.  But then, we really have yet to find a position he can play.  But even if you excuse his lamentable outfield defense, what is with his baserunning?  He’s apparently watching Moises Alou instructional tapes.  Doesn’t he knew that Tom Freakin’ Emanski coached back-to-back-to-back AAU champions?  Watch that tape, Matt.  You’ll learn how to throw baseballs into trash cans and wear trucker hats without the bill bent!

7. Mark DeRosa, 2b — I like that he seems to know where the strike zone is.  He had a particularly good game last night with four hits and missed tying the game by about four feet in the ninth, so maybe his ouchie finger is feeling better.  But he can’t play second base.  He’s just too damned slow.  His best positions are probably third base and right field.  The Cubs don’t need a third baseman and they’ve already got one slow, righthanded, Judy hitting right fielder in the rotation.

8. Cesar Izturis, ss — What can you say about Cesar, except that you knew he was going to hit into a double play last night with the bases loaded and one out in the seventh.  And, you knew that was going to end up killing the Cubs.  If only the rest of life were that predictable.

Well, gee.  I can’t figure out how this bunch only scored one run last night.

The most disappointing moment of the night for me happened repeatedly.  How could Sean Marshall pitch seven innings and never once go over and wipe out David Wells’ dumbass “33” on the mound?  I wasn’t sure if Wells was paying homage to himself or if it was a Rolling Rock ad.