It’s like a Cubs Live! only not live!  Instead of everybody getting a chance to chime in as the game goes on, this time it’s all me.  Muahahahahaha!

Cubs at Padres
Pitching matchup
Cubs: Jason Marquis 5-1, 2.76 ERA
Padres: Chris Young 5-3, 2.89 ERA

Cubs.com posted the lineup at like 8:15, and I’m pretty sure that either Carrie Muskat is on crack, or I’m drunk because not only doesn’t the Cubs lineup make any sense, but I think my hair is in a bun.

Nope. Just found my doughnut.

Anyway, here’s the lineup for the Cubs:

Leading off, left fielder Alfonso Soriano. If you ever wondered what Shannon Stewart would look like if you paid him $136 million. You’ve got your answer. Sweet.

Batting second and playing second is…Mark DeRosa? Look, I know he got four hits last night, but second? Lou must have pulled his lineup out of a hat.

Batting third, a man moving so stiffly he looks like a young Steve Balboni, Derrek Lee.

Hitting cleanup, the man Arte Moreno refers to only as “that stupid motherfucker.”

Batting fifth and playing right field, Cornelius Clifford Floyd. His Achilles has flared up in recent days, I guess that’s better than having an Oedipal relapse.

Hitting sixth and catching, a man who enjoys long walks on the beach and short jogs to the backstop, Michael Barrett.

Batting seventh (about three spots too high) and playing center, our man Jock.

Batting eighth and playing short is Ces…hah! No, it’s Ryan Theriot. Why he’s batting eighth, I have no idea. Maybe Lou wants him to get on so Jason Marquis (probably the fourth best hitter in tonight’s lineup) can drive him in.

Hitting ninth and still trying to overcome the trauma he recently unrepressed of his aunts watching him have his foreskin removed…yes, it’s Jason Marquis.

By the way, on the pregame show, they just showed Henry Blanco standing around first base during BP and Mark Schanowski just called him “Hank White.” Probably a good time to remind you that the all new, recently revamped Hank White Fan Club site is up.

The Padres lineup is:

1. Marcus Giles — I hope this stupid ass runs headlong into the dugout railing and decapitates himself.
2. Jose Cruz, Jr. — You have to like that he wears real stirrups, just like the ones you wore when you played little league. At least when you played in the first league where you didn’t wear a t-shirt and blue jeans. For me, that was college.
3. Mike Cameron — He’s hitting just over .230. How the hell do the Cubs constantly lose to this bunch?
4. Adrian Gonzalez — I’ve been trying to figure out who he looks like, and I’ve got it narrowed down to either “Hispanic John Cusack” or “Down Syndrome Lorenzo Lamas.”
5. Khalil Greene– Somewhere, Chip Caray is trying to summon the testosterone for a mild erection.
6. Josh Bard — If I were his teammate, every time he said something even remotely profound I’d just say, “What are you, Bill Shakespeare?”
7. Kevin Kouzmanoff — I really hope the Cubs get the memo that he sucks. Right now they’re turning him into early ’80s Mike Schmidt.
8. Brother Sledge — I…I got nothing.
9. Chris Young — He’s what, 6’10? Hey, whatever it takes to be your generation’s Eric Hillman.

They just played a clip of Lou, before the game, breaking down the Cubs offensive problems. It went something like this.

Lou: We’ve played 44 games, and in 17 of those we’ve scored…
Voice from off camera: Six runs or more.
Lou: Six runs or more. And in the other 27 we’ve scored…
Voice from off camera: Three
Lou: Three runs or less.
Voice from off camera: Averaged, three runs. Well, 2.9.
Lou: Averaged less than three runs, 2.9. So that makes it…you know…
Voice from off camera: Tough.

I know I feel better about the deep thinking we’ve got going on in our dugout. Wow.

Anyway, The Fonz is ready to lead things off and he does so impressively with a three pitch strikeout. This never gets old.

Already the move of DeRosa to second in the lineup is paying off. Instead of Theriot being up, DeRosa is ready to go and unlike Soriano he shows great patience and strikes out on four pitches. Sweet. Still searching for Boone Logan (or his incestuous stepsister Shannon) Derrek grounds out on the first pitch. Promising start.

Brenly just set the Cubs’ defense. What he failed to point out is that the Cubs have a second baseman in left, a right fielder in center, a left fielder in right, a third baseman at second and a second baseman at short. Who says Jim Hendry can’t build a roster? Somewhere the ghost of Jim Finks is in awe. Awe, I say!

This is why I gave up on fantasy baseball. Comcast just showed the league leaders in lowest opponent batting average. The leaders are:

1. Sean Bergmann, WAS
2. Somebody who sucks that I already forgot
3. Jason Marquis, CHC
4. Oliver Perez, NYM
5. Matt Cain, SF

Just the way we drew it up in March.

The Padres have a sandbox area in right center. Instead of one of those lame “Bring Your Dog to the Ballpark” promotion (the only day Albert Pujols’ wife gets to go to Busch), the Padres could let their fans bring their cats and let them shit out there. I’d bring ours. Might even join in on the fun.

Marquis strikes out two then gets red hot Mike Cameron (.231? Yikes) to fly out to Jock. One good thing about these two teams, they play fast.

I know you’re not supposed to talk about such things, but Chris Young just struck out two more hitters in a perfect second. I think we might be in for a double perfect game where each starter strikes out 18 and nobody ever wins. Until Will Ohman gets involved.

I just e-mailed Len Kasper to let him know about the newly redesigned Hank White Fan Club page. I’m sure he’ll read it in an inning or two. It’s not like anybody else ever e-mails during the broadcasts. Just for kicks, I changed the return address on another e-mail and wrote:

From: Ed Hartig
To: Len Kasper

This is the first time six of the first nine hitters have struck out in a Cubs-Padres game since March 9, 1982 when Randy Jones and Randy Martz combined on the feat.

Oh, and is it true that women’s genitals are on the inside? Eww.
Thanks,
Ed

Think he’ll read that one?

Glacially slow Adrian “Down Syndrome Lorenzo Lamas” Gonzalez just broke up the double perfect game with a double in front of Jock Jones. Jock made (for him) a good throw. It only bounced 14 times. Gonzalez is now docked somewhere off the coast of second base.

The freighter Gonzalez just tagged on a routine flyball to right. Cliff Floyd’s throw to third looked like it was designed to tunnel the second half of the trip. This outfield defense is stunning. Honestly, call Cooperstown, this is time capsule worthy.

Bard singles to left and it’s 1-0 Padres, which means extra innings have been avoided because the Cubs show no interest in actually scoring or getting a hit.

I live for this!

Kouzmanoff singles to right when Marquis misses Michael Barrett’s target by about three feet. Normally, you’d figure Marquis was having control problems, but it could just be that he’s tired of shaking Barrett off and won’t bother throwing it where that nitwit puts his glove.

If you get a chance, check out the site for Knocked Up, the new movie with Seth Rogan, Paul Rudd and the hot blonde from Grey’s Anatomy. Go to “The Edit Bay” and watch the clips. Hilarious, in particular the one under “Scenes from the movie” called “Allison Meets the Roommates.” Tremendous. “I took a shit and it looked like a stuffed animal.” Been there.

Jock just struck out. Apparently Chris Young has turned into vintage Roger Clemens. Comcast should have promoted the game this way. Could have stolen some of ESPN’s thunder.

Marquis strikes out, the sixth Cub to do that in three innings. This is not going well.

In the fourth, the Cubs at least pretended like they were going to get hits. DeRosa sent Cruz the Lesser circling around in right and Lee hit one right to the wall in left.

Brenly is concerned that Marquis can’t see Michael Barrett’s signs. I’m concerned that he can. Then we get another example of Soriano half-assing his way over to a foul ball. How much was he going to charge to play hard, $272 million?

E-ramis leads off the fifth with a double and the perfect game and no-hitter are over. Al Yellon can now go to sleep. I’m sure he was up rooting for “history” again.

More like a history of being a dumbass.

But this is where it gets interesting. Time to play, “How can the Cubs strand a leadoff double.”

Your choices are:

a) Strikeout, ground out, deep fly out?
b) Runner gets picked off second
c) Single to left, runner thrown out at home
d) Strikeout, deep flyball only the runner forgets how many outs there are, runs home, goes into dugout, forced out at second

Cornelius flies out to left, but too shallow for E-ramis to tag. Looks like “e” will be the answer.

But no. Barrett doubles into the corner in right, E-ramis scores (even he can score from second on a double) and Barrett pumps his fist at second like he’s just driven in the go ahead run in the playoffs. This is as close as he’ll ever get, so let him enjoy it.

Jock is up now with a runner in scoring position. And Jock’s 0-1 tonight has his average in the .240s. What’s even scarier is that a journey into the land of the shut-ins at NSBB.com has unearthed this little tidbit from none other than Sanjay H. the best GM working in a convienence store:

There are currently 66 OFs with a qualified number of plate appearances in the majors.

Jacque ranks 55th in OBP, and 58th in SLG.

The 11 guys below him in OBP are Mike Cameron, Juan Pierre, Craig Monroe, Coco Crisp, Jim Edmonds, Jermaine Dye, Corey Patterson, Chris Duffy, Joe Borchard, Delmon Young and Rocco Baldelli.

The 8 guys below him in SLG are JD Drew, Joe Borchard, Coco Crisp, Bobby Abreu, Chris Duffy, Corey Patterson, Juan Pierre and Jim Edmonds.

Nothing like being in elite company like Corey and Juan. Centerfield for the Cubs is the new Bermuda Triangle.

You’ll love this. Jock grounds to second and Barrett does not advance to third. Proof once again that the Cubs are the worst baserunning team in the history of the world.

Oh, just got better. Wild pitch, Barrett to third. You know, it’s almost like if he hadn’t fucked up and actually run to third that the Cubs would have the lead now. I just love Michael Barrett. He’s a real winner that guy. I’d really like to see him take his winning ways and true grit to another team. Any other team. The Brewers would be good. The Cubs could catch them in a week with that asshole weighing down the pitching and the offense.

Young walks Theriot to get to Marquis. Given that Marquis is swinging as hard as he can at anything (almost like he just hit his first career homer this weekend or something) it’s a good move. Marquis has a very Corey-esque AB swings at a pitch over his head and the Cubs do what they do best, strand runners, especially one at third. They had it all going after that double. The boneheaded baserunning and the haphazard at bats. Who says this team isn’t versatile?

Len just said that “there was a wild one in Tampa Bay with the The Rays topping the Mariners 13-12.” I immediately pictured Elijah Dukes taking a cell phone picture of his bat and sending it to M’s starter Horacio Ramirez.

Yeah, maybe it was just me.

Alfonso hustles in with a leadoff triple. He looked like he left shards of hamstring around the second base bag, but he made it. Now let’s see how the Cubs can screw this up. I’m going for the “missed sign, Soriano out at home on a botched squeeze.”

Len and Bob are talking about where to bat Soriano (as DeRosa strikes out, to set up another wasted scoring chance). Bob says that it doesn’t matter that Soriano likes to lead off because “your set lineup only is set the first time around.” This, of course, is bullshit. It’s true that your leadoff guy might only lead off once in a given game, but it’s the order, who bats in front of or behind who that matters.

Lee strikes out, and looks terrible. He’s now dumped .025 points off his average since Monday. It’s up to E-ramis to bail them out.

E-ramis strikes out on a check swing, and the Cubs strand a lead off triple. And they wonder why they lose. Incredible.

Bob thinks we should give credit to Chris Young for making so many great pitches to DeRosa, Lee and Ramirez.  He must have, because of those nine strikes, the Cubs fouled off one of them.  I’d like to give Young credit, but those were three shitty ABs.

Len just called the Cubs continued failings with runners in scoring position as “tiresome.”  That’s a good word.

A better world would be “horseshit.”

The Fathers avoid a double play by sending Jose Cruz so a grounder to Theriot only gets the batter, Mike Cameron.  Then Lou elects to walk Down Syndrome Lorenzo Lamas so that Chip Caray’s boyband dreamboat can bat with two on and two out.

Much to the dismay of smitten Chippy (watching at home with his imaginary family, I’m sure) Khalil strikes out.  Marquis is pitching well, and this bad boy is all set for a late innign Cubs bullpen implosion.

Len is now rooting for a six run seventh for the Cubs.  For some reason in my mind I hear Stanley from The Office saying, “Same ratio as unicorns to leprechauns.”  I wonder why I just thought of that?

Cornelius hits one to the deepest part of center.  Caught.  Of course.

Barrett walks to set up Jock’s GIDP chance.

I realize that Barrett has a double and a walk, which makes him Babe F’ing Ruth in this game tonight.  I never said he wasn’t a competent offensive player.  He’s only hitting .247 right now and unless he takes one off the nutsack again he’s going to hit a lot better than that.  My problem with him is that he’s just a total basketcase behind the plate.  So he’d damn well better hit or he’s worse than useless, he’s harmful.

Jock finds a creative way to hit into a double play.  Normally you go 6-4-3, or 4-6-3, occasionally you can mix in a 5-4-3.  Jock?  Since he enjoys frustrating everyone who’s ever seen how pure his stroke to left field is by trying to pull everything to right, he grounds to first.  Hispanic John Cusack steps on first to force Jock, then throws down to second where Barrett has yet to make it into the picture for a 3-6 DP.  You’ve got to hand it to the Cubs, they’re creative.

In the seventh, Marquis nearly falls off the mound, stepping in a big hole left by big a-hole Chris Young.   Then, Marquis hits Kouzmanoff.  About time.  Good news!  Will Ohman is warming up in the bullpen.  And, Brenly is pretty sure that Marquis is hurt.  Great.  What are pitchers made out of? Paper mache?

Marquis hasn’t come close to throwing a strike since he fell off the mound.  Let’s hope he can walk the bases loaded in time for Ohman to unload them for him.

Whether Marquis is hurt or not, he’s out of gas.  He just walked the great Terrmell Sledge.  Lou heads on out to the mound, but like last night he leaves the starter in.  Let’s see if the results can be just as fun as they were last night when Sean Marshall gave up the game losing homer a couple pitches later.

Marquis makes Lou look like a genius as he gets Geoff Blum to ground into an inning ending double play.  After seven, it’s still 1-1,  and both teams are playing like the goal is to strand as many runners as possible.

The Fat Kangaroo hops out of the dugout with one out in the eighth, so Marquis is done, and so is the Kangaroo as he bounces out to third.

Soriano’s two out single goes for naught when DeRosa grounds out to second.  Now the Cubs aren’t even putting any drama into it.  Anybody can strand a two out single at first.  Go for the gusto!  More leadoff triples laid to waste!

Big Spot Bob pitches a clean eighth, to avoid reverting back to Brown Spot Bob status.  All the Cubs have to do is score in the ninth (it’ll be Lee, Ramirez and Floyd) and then hold the Padres to avoid yet another winless trip to San Diego.

Oh, who am I kidding?  We’re going to be here all freakin’ night.

Lee leads off the ninth with a single, and apparently he was faking all night with the stiff neck because he took off to steal second and E-ramis singled, moving Lee to third.  First and third, nobody out.  Now this is the kind of jacked up scoring chance that we’ve come to admire from these Cubs.

Strikeout double play is too obvious.  I’m guessing, passed ball that ends up with an out at home, AND second.  Then a deep flyout.  But we’ll see.

Bob has a boner for a Cla Meredith balk.  He’s talked about it two nights straight.  Let’s hope he finally gets one.  I’m not listening to the radio, but I can guarantee you, Ron is begging for a wild pitch.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Ron.

Well, Cliff pulled a Jock and hit a chopper to second, but Lee beat the throw to the plate with a nice slide (and what might have been a bad call).  In fact, the replay looks like if he did touch the plate he just barely did.  But who cares?

Angel Pagan comes in to run for Floyd, as the Cubs now have first and second and nobody out.  Cliff gets high fives from his teammates, but to his credit, he seems pissed that he grounded to second and almost botched the scoring chance.  This is why I like Cliff.

Barrett decides to give himself up and sac bunt, but neither Cla Meredith (probably distracted by his missing ‘y’) or Josh Bard bother to pitch the ball up.  Bases loaded, nobody out.  Bob Wickman doppleganger (never a good thing) Heath Bell is coming in.

Jock can put this baby away.  I’ll give him credit, in his ninth inning at bat last night with two out and DeRosa on third, Jock had a good at bat against Trevor Hoffman and even hit the ball hard–right at Jose Cruz, of course.

This time?  Not so much.  Once again he pounds a ball into the dirt in front of home plate, and Hispanic Cusack throws him out.  Bob’s right, E-ramis had to be dragging a plow not to score on that, though.  It really took a high bounce.  Sigh.

Even when things go right, they go wrong first.  Theriot hits an easy double play to third, but Kousmanoff kicks it and has to settle for just a force at third as a run scores.  Still, it’d be nice if Matt Murton could get a hit and drive in at least one more run.  The Cubs have patented the art of losing games like these.  Murton leaves the bat on his shoulder and whiffs.  Thanks a lot, Red.

Dempster’s coming in.  The Cubs have a two run lead and a chance to cut that pesky Brewers lead down to six!  Yeah, the excitement is palpable.  I’m nearly still awake.

The ninth inning defense has Pagan in center and Jock in right.  Sure, why not load up that cannon in right in case there’s a play at the plate.  Guh.

Dempster’s first pitch is a called strike and Len says, “Good start.”  Which just means he’s thinking the same thing all of us are at home.  “Don’t walk everybody you asshole!”

Down Syndrome Lorenzo Lamas (I’m settling on this one, the Cusack one just isn’t mean enough) flies out meekly to Pagan.  Now it’s Khalil Timberlake with one out.

Khalil flies to Angel.  Maybe Lou knew that all the ninth inning balls would go to center so that’s why he got Jock the hell out of there?

Two out.  One out to avoid a fourth straight loss, and Dempster gets an easy grounder to Lee to end it.  Lou staggers out of the dugout looking a lot like Burt Young in “Rocky Balboa” and the Cubs quest for mediocrity continues.

The Cubs are 21-24, six games behind the Brewers and all alone in second place.

Such that it is.