Pitching matchup:
Fla: The Meat Tray, 2-2, 1.89 ERA
Cubs: The Bull Moose, 4-2, 3.20 ERA

A surreal start at Wrigley. The Cubs had a players only meeting and apparently didn’t invite Michael Barrett (not that I blame them), and then Lou Piniella locked himself in his office and while Jim Hendry tried to lure him out with some crullers, John McDonough finally did the trick by lining the hallway to the press room with $50 bills.

Whatever the two-hour meeting between Lou, Hendry and John was about, we’re pretty sure of two things:

1) The Asshole Catcher and Jock and their departures were on Lou’s agenda
2) Hendry was glad Lou didn’t take the cruller bait.

The lineups are as follows:

Marlins
1. CF, Reggie Abercrombie and Fitch. All I know is he plays most of the game shirtless and trying to look as gay as possible.
2. 2B, Dan “She was” Uggla “but she screwed like a champ.”
3. ss, Hanley “Garage Door” Ramirez
4. 3B, Miguel “I’d love some crullers, Jim” Cabrera — Wow is he fat.
5. LF, Josh “Don’t call me Ty” Willingham
6. RF, Felix Hermida
7. C, Miguel “I still can’t hit” Olivo
8. 1b, Aaron “Who wants to run some 3 on 3” Boone?
9. Our old pal The Meat Tray, another part of the now obscene Juan Pierre trade.

Cubs

1. CF, Alfonso Soriano — His OBA when he leads off is .360. It just seems like he’s on the 36 percent of the time he doesn’t need to be.
2. SS, Ryan Theriot — You just know he’s got a Troy Tulowitzki poster in his locker.
3. 1B, MVLee
4. RF, Cornelius Clifford Floyd — Let’s hope his banging his bat on home will keep E-ramis from napping in the on deck circle.
5. 3B, E-ramis “What did I do to get demoted” Ramirez?
6. 2b, Mark “Which one is third base” DeRosa
7. CF, Jock Jones — He has his called third strike pose ready.
8. C, Hank White — Because frankly, we all needed a night off from the Asshole Catcher
9. Theodore Roosevelt Lilly — He won’t like the park tonight.

It’s 82 degrees at gametime and the wind is howling out to left. Now might be a good time for Ted to remember how to keep the ball down.

He strikes out Abercrombie on four pitches, then Dan Uggla hits one to Skokie (is that the right direction? Probably not, oh who cares?) and Hanley taps out to the pitcher. Miguel Cabrera then hits one to the Budweiser house and this ‘give up a homer to every other batter’ strategy is not a real keen one.

I know the problem. How is Ted supposed to throw strikes when his catcher refuses to flop around before every pitch like his crabs are in full attack mode?

Len Kasper is now giving the “if you give up a homer, it’d better be with nobody on” speech. Even he doesn’t sound like he’s believing it. Bob is telling tales of how great Alfonso Soriano looked in batting practice. I’m pretty sure that Lester Strode is not pitching for the Marlins, though.

Ted’s pattern is broken when he walks Willingham, and old buddy Felix Hermida (looking much paler now) lines to Cornelius.

On my drive home some nitwits on the Score (are there any other people on the Score) were a twitter because of the two hour Lou-Jim-John meeting and the lack of Asshole Catcher in the clubhouse. They were pretty sure that Lou was quitting, and that Barrett had been traded. I was pretty sure that Lou had strangled Barrett and that the three were trying to get their alibis straight.

Hendry’s story was that he was combing the old Yum Yum donuts wreckage looking for chocolate sprinkles that might have survived the past two winters.

McDonough was busy designing another beanie baby, this one is named after Ernie Banks and John was having trouble cramming enough stuffing into it’s ass.

Piniella’s alibi was going to be that he was strangling Barrett to death. Lou was having a hard time coming up with anything else.

Hey, it’s Alfonso Soriano Bobblehead Night. Now that he’s already struck out once, I expect to see the field littered with those things by the top of the fifth.

Theriot grounds to second. Here’s the problem. Sergio is a ground ball pitcher, and the Cubs are going to be swinging from their asses trying to hit homers. Is the top of the first too early to post a No Hitter Alert?

The Serge whiffs Derrek Lee to end the first. Time for a little more Marlins BP.

Now might be a good time to bask in the misery that our favorite teams enjoyed today. The Brewers took a 2-1 lead into the eighth inning today at home before Derrick Turnbow set himself on fire on the mound and the Crew allowed 7 runs in a 9-3 loss to the Braves.

The Sox led the Twins 6-1 at one point before imploding in the ninth, in part due to a Paul Konerko error. Former Cub Dave Aardsma walked in the winning run. Hey, if the bases are loaded, you’re supposed to hit the guy, not walk him. You pansy.

Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina broke his wrist when the Honcho magazine he was masturbating to in his hotel room slipped off the bed. In an incident the Cardinals claim is unrelated, Lassie Edmonds will miss tonight’s game with a perforated anus.

WGN just played a clip from Lou’s belated press conference in which Lou insisted, “Everybody is on the same page. Everybody is on the same page.” Lou then clarified that they are all reading “Same Shit Different Day” by Bruce Kimm and Jim Essian.

Aaron Boone leads off the second with a double to left. Soriano appeared to throw him out at second, but he was called safe and the fired up Cubs decided not to argue, or show any emotion other than to sigh really loudly.

Asshole Catcher has been spotted in the Cubs’ dugout. In tribute, Hank White lets a Lilly pitch skip by him to allow the third Marlins’ run. See, the problem there was that Hank tried to shift his body to knock the ball down. Asshole Catcher knows that you just wave your glove at those and hope it sticks.

Len says that he spoke to Jim Hendry and Hendry was preaching “Patience.” Len didn’t say if he mocked Hendry for quoting one of the wussiest Guns n’ Roses songs of all time.

Here’s some great baseball. Abercrombie and Fitch ground to first, but both of them beat Ted Lilly to first for a “hit.” Somewhere, Mike Remlinger is admiring Ted’s form.

Dan Uggla will now homer to make it 5-0 Marlins, I’m sure.

Instead, the Cubs pick Abercrombie and Fitch off. Lilly does the un-Asshole Catcher thing and runs at Abercrombie forcing him back towards first, then Lee chases him towards second, and the return throw from Theriot is to Hank covering first for the putout. Asshole Catcher then castigates Hank for not doing the proper thing, which would have been to stand at home plate and point.

Before that pickoff, WGN showed Jim Hendry, Randy Bush and the brilliant Oneri Fleita in a box. Not a cardboard box, because if it was, I’d have doused it with lighter fluid and then tossed a match at them. What’s more disturbing, that Hendry still thinks he can fit into a 16 – 34/35 dress shirt, or that Fleita looks just like Mujibur from the Late Show with David Letterman?

E-ramis, demoted to fifth in the order singles to end Sergio’s no-hitter threat. Al Yellon closes his scorebook, weeps silently, then heads for the exit so he can prepare for the big morning show tomorrow on ABC 7, where the lead story will be, “Pumpkin pie, healthy snack or deadly gourd concoction?”

Every time I see The Meat Tray, I am reminded that he stars in the baseball scenes in the Jennifer Aniston-Vince Vaughn movie “The Break Up.” I’m also reminded that he staunchly refuses to give me my $19 or two hours of my life back for that piece of crap.

Honestly, if you’re going to make a bad R-rated movie with Jen in it, and she’s going to be naked, have her face the camera.

Jock is up and it’s 0-2, which means he’s going to be out. It’s just a matter of, will it be a called strike three, a swinging strike three or the ever popular pop-out to first in foul territory?

My television breaks and it appears that Jock worked an 0-2 count and walked. Now would be a good time to trade him. That will never happen again.

Hank is up with a chance to tie the game. Len mentions that Hank’s career caught stealing percentage is second only to Ivan Rodriguez and says, “He’s probably going to the Hall of Fame.” I agree.

Pudge might make it, too.

Hank intimidates Sergio into a wild pitch. Second and third, two out. The Marlins really should walk Hank here. Instead, Hank continues to foul off hittable pitches. He’s working hard trying to get a bad one to miss.

And he gets it. The Cubs leave runners at second and third, for the 174th game in a row. Cooperstown can’t get their hands on Barry Bonds’ balls, but they are all over Hank’s.

Huh?

Bob is telling a story about a fishing trip he took. Sounds like he chummed the waters from the boat if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

He threw up.

Len says after today, the Cubs will play Atlanta seven of the next 10 games. That’s great. He assures us that the Braves are not playing well. By that definition, the Cubs are showing fewer signs of life than Terri Schiavo was.

Clifford makes a diving catch to end the inning. Judging by the divot he left in right field the Cubs better fluff the pillows on the 15-day DL.

Soriano bobblehead day is really inspiring. He grounds to the right of Cabrera who’s gravity sucks up the ball. The throw is lousy, but a jogging Alfonso is tagged out by the first baseman. Gotta love that effort. He might yet break a sweat.

Mitre strikes out his fifth in three innings. Hendry leans over to Mujibur and says, “We should try to get this guy.” Mujibur says, “We had him. You traded him and two guys better than him for Juan Pierre.” Hendry nods his head slowly, puts an apple fritter in his Bruce Springsteen model harmonica neck-holder and chews solemly.

Bob says that when he was a kid, he once went to Cleveland’s Municipal Stadium and spent his only two dollars on a racist bobblehead. You and me both, Bob-o.

Derrek Lee leads off the fourth with a hit, doubling the Cubs’ hit total for the day. That would be two if you’re scoring at home. And, if you’re scoring at home, you’re not scoring..ever, are you? Didn’t think so.

Len Kasper just said, “Cliff can flat out hit.” I love the flat outs. Other flat outs we need to hear.

1) Scott Eyre can flat out get on a bus to Des Moines.
2) Jim Hendry can flat out clog an artery.
3) Jock Jones can flat out lay in the far right outbound lanes of Lake Shore Drive.
4) Jennifer Love Hewitt can flat out jog topless.

Clifford flat out singles to right. First and second, nobody out. E-ramis is up, and as per tradition, we go through the “strand the runners” options.

1. Flyball to left, deep enough to score a guy from third, not to advance a guy from second. Double play.
2. Clifford falls for hidden ball trick. Lee forgets how many outs there are and gets tagged, too. E-ramis homers. Cubs lose 3-1.
3. E-ramis singles. DeRosa hits into triple play.

Instead, E-ramis strikes out on a check swing. Setting up a DeRosa 6-4-3.

DeRosa eschews the double play for the strike out. Here’s Jock to ground out to the catcher. Or something equally inept.

When this game gets out of hand, I’ll have plenty of time to kill with some Kobe-to-the-Bulls speculation. The preview is that if you read Bill Simmons’ inane column on the subject today, there’s a huge problem with it. The cheesy ESPN Trade Machine he used to check the trades, does not work this time of year. It doesn’t know how to handle base-year compensation players, restricted free agents or draft picks.

Jock grounds to first. Fans boo. You know, just like last year, and this year, and next year.

Great!

Lilly hits Aaron Boone with the first pitch of the fifth inning. The ball hits him on the left knee, which then caused Ted to yell, “Hey, pussy! Go play some pickup basketball now!”

The Meat Try is up to bunt now. Now might be a good time for Ted to hit Sergio. Instea, he seems hell bent on walking him.

Meat Tray bunts, Ted falls down, throws the ball into the runner and hits Mitre. The ball rolls into right and Boone limps to third. Honestly, this whole thing looks like an old-timers day game at Yankee Stadium. All that’s missing is Joe DiMaggio in a suit and Joe Pepitone in a toupee. Serigo appears to have left part of his groin in the baseline.

Len just said that Marlins’ coach Andy Fox has the “cleanest locker in all of baseball.” I’ll take his word for it. On those Marlins’ teams when Andy played, it was well known that Carl Pavano had the sloppiest one, and it always smelled like Alyssa Milano at low tide.

The Cubs might catch a break. The Tray has to leave the game with his bum groin and Wes Obermueller who once won one of the biggest games in Cubs’ history (think a little, you’ll remember) will pinch run. The good news is that Sergio is out, the bad news is that this inning started 3-0 Florida but will end 12-0.

Up in the braintrust box, Jim Hendry just high fived Mujibur and said, “Hah! He can’t get the win now!” Small victories, Jim.

Abercrombie strikes out. A double play could get the Cubs out of the inning. So could a meteor shower. Guess which one is more likely.

Uggla flies to Jones, who catches the ball with his tits. I know he likes to catch the ball chest high, but that one had to have banked off his concave chest. It’s 4-0 Marlins, and Hanley the Garage Door is up.

Len and Bob wonder why the Cubs are holding Obermueller on at first. Bob says no way the Marlins would run him, considering they just lost one starting pitcher and because Obermueller will start tomorrow night in Milwaukee. Somewhere, Chip Caray is worried that all this activity on the bases will take its toll on Wes tomorrow.

The four scoreless innings that Sergio threw have lowered his season ERA to 1.74.  That’ll look good on Hendry’s resume when he explains to the new owner why he had to pay 70 million on starting pitchers last offseason.

Hank leads off with a hard grounder to third that results in an out, but his HWEqBA will skyrocket.

Lilly hits a 73 hop single to left field.  Soriano is up trying to make the bobblehead masses happy.  Bob says the offense is “about to come unglued.”  I think Lou has already done just that.

Soriano whiffs and gets booed.  So far no one has beaned him with a bobblehead.  I’m disappointed.

Len is explaining that in every game on this homestand the fans have come ready to make noise, but have never had the chance.  It’s deader than a Ruben Studdard concert out there.

After five innings the Cubs have as many hits as the Marlins.  Four.  So they’ve got that going for them.  Cabrera grounds to E-ramis and rolls down to first.  Honestly, what’s he been eating?  He’s a limp and a bad haircut away from Charlie Weis right now.

Len and Bob are now comparing cramp stories.  Bob is stealing his material from George Costanza about how too tightly tucked in hotel room sheets make his feet hurt.

All right, is it time to point out the ludiocrisy of Bill Simmons’ take on the Bulls trade options for Kobe?  I think it is.

Deal No. 2: Chicago trades Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, Victor Khryapa and the No. 9 pick for Kobe.

Additional notes: This deal works as long as the Bulls renounce P.J. Brown’s rights; also, it means the Lakers would receive a mammoth (and appealing) trade exception in the deal.

Comments: This seems like the most natural home for Kobe — it’s a big city; they’re a contender in the East; there’s enough talent left after the deal to make a run, and even the MJ-Kobe symmetry works nicely — as well as the best possible haul for the Lakers. The deal could work in a variety of ways: Instead of renouncing Brown’s rights, the Bulls could include Andres Nocioni as a sign-and-trade (starting at around $5 million per) and renounce Mike Sweetney’s rights instead of Brown’s. If they wanted to get even more creative, they could make it Deng, Gordon, P.J. Brown (sign and trade — one year, $10 million) and the No. 9 for Kobe. They could try to substitute Ty Thomas and a future No. 1 for Deng. Etc., etc., etc.

First off, who is Ty Thomas?  Is he any relation to Tyrus Thomas?  Have you ever heard anyone refer to him as Ty?  Second, if you think PJ Brown is helping out with a sign and trade to the then-lottery bound Lakers, you are nutso.  Also, why would Andres Nocioni cut a deal for $5 million a year to end up in LA when he can demand $8 or 9 million elsewhere?  So far, Bill, you NBA expert, things are going great.

Two big obstacles here:

(A) Would the Bulls ever give up Deng? The Lakers would have to get him back in a Kobe deal, right? I feel like he’s become slightly overrated over the past season — he’s definitely a potential All-Star; he definitely could become the second-best player on a championship-caliber team, but I don’t see him getting much better than he is right now. Do you ever see him scoring 27-28 a game? Do you ever see him being the crunch-time scorer on a great team? If you could land Kobe and keep Kirk Hinrich, Ben Wallace, Ty Thomas, Chris Duhon and Thabo Sefolosha, then sign one more veteran to help them out, that’s a potential 2008 title team. Isn’t the whole point to win a title?

Re-read this sentence again, “If you could land Kobe and keep Kirk Hinrich, Ben Wallace, Ty [sic] Thomas, Chris Duhon and Thabo Sefolosha, then sign one more veteran to help them out, that’s a potential 2008 title team.  Isn’t the whole point to win a title?”

Holy crap.  Does anybody think that team, Kobe, Kirk, Ben, Tyrus, Duhon and Thabo could win 40 games, much less a title?  That’s worse than the current Lakers’ team.  Just how dumb is this guy?

Also, why does Luol have to score 27 points a game?  Who scores 27 on the Pistons or Spurs?  And, if Luol is the linchpin to any trade for the Lakers, why is he so disposable for the Bulls?

(B) Would John Paxson ever roll the dice with a mega-deal for someone like Kobe? He seems to be happier stockpiling young assets and waiting for one of these other teams to offer him the likes of KG or Jermaine O’Neal for 30 cents on the dollar. By making a Kobe deal, Paxson would be shoving his chips to the middle of the table … something he’s been completely unwilling to do. We will see.

This is the part that pisses me off most of all.  John Paxson has been the Bulls’ GM for how long?  Four years?  Haven’t they gotten better in each of his four years?  Didn’t he shrewdly dump Jamal Crawford and Eddy Curry on the Knicks, speeding up the rebuilding process by about three years?  Didn’t he go out and sign Ben Wallace so he could dump the undependable Tyson Chandler for an expiring contract?  Chandler, as anyone who’s watched the Bulls the past few years has absolutely no basketball skills.  He’s tall, he can jump and rebound.  He can’t shoot, can’t pass, can’t dribble and will always find an injury to luxuriate in during any big game.

Basically, Simmons’ criticism comes from Paxson not trading for Pau Gasol at the trade deadline last year.  A trade that Jerry West admits would have required the Bulls to include Luol Deng.  Luol’s younger, cheaper and better.  Would the Bulls have beaten Detroit with Pau and without Luol?  No.  Hell, they might not have beaten Miami.  You can say a lot of things, but to say that John Paxson doesn’t have the stones to make a big deal is absurd.  Weaker GMs would have traded for Gasol and then been shocked that Luol turned into such a good player.

Time for Sports Guy to get back to what he does best.  Dropping Jimmy Kimmel’s name.

Yikes.

Meanwhile, back at Wrigley, the bottom of the sixth ends with only a Cliff Floyd infield hit (yeah, really) to show for it.

Brenly just asked if Len knew how Yadier Molina broke his wrist.  Len played it coy, and managed to explain it without the words Honcho, masturbation or Edmonds.  But we knew what he meant.

Dan Uggla shows how easy it is to homer tonight.  He hits a routine fly to center that carries and carries into the shrubs and it’s 6-0.  Just makes the Cubs’ offensive effort all the more impressive.

Hanley files to right and Gil Grissom will sing the seventh inning stretch.  Now seems like a good time for me to harp on just how played out the celebrity conductor schtick is.  I hope the new owner rapes John McDonough with a rolled up copy of the stretch autographed by noted Cubs’ fan Jeff Gordon.

Gil starts the song by yelling, “Let’s turn this season around right now!” and ends it with, “Let’s get a bunch of runs!”  His heart’s in the right place.  His head is where all of ours are.  Up his ass.  This team has shown only a brief flash at the beginning of May of even being competent.  The GM is incapable of fixing the mess he’s made, and the team is littered with dumb, bad and completely lacking players.

Hank is 0-2 and flirting with crawling under Mario Mendoza.  In some sense.  He flies to left and is now hitting .199.  And yes, I’d still rather have him back there than Asshole Catcher.  As bad as the night has been, I’m heartened by not having to watch Asshole’s ADHD act behind home plate.

Bob, Len and William Petersen are now comparing the Cubs to a failed TV pilot.  I think they might be onto something.  All that’s missing from this mess is Ted McGinley in left.

Murton pinch hits for Lilly and almost hits one out of the infield.  Len begs Petersen to stick around for the top of the eighth, because he’s afraid to be left alone with Brenly who has started to fashion a shiv out of the bracket that holds the robo camera in place up in the press box.

Cabrera greets Angel Guzman with a single to left.  He oozes to first.

Petersen says that Santo signed his Cubs jersey.  He didn’t say if he asked Ron to do that.

Willingham homers off the batters’ eye in center.  It’s 8-0 Marlins and the fans are too depressed to boo.  Lou called yesterday’s 9-3 loss the ‘worst of the season’ for the Cubs.  Looks like they just topped it.

Remember when we took solace earlier in the year that the Cubs were losing close games?  Find something else to cling to.

You know it’s bad when the WGN cameramen stop looking for hot babes to show between pitches and start looking for the most depressed looking fans they can find.

Felix Hermida doubles to right, Guzman bounces one over Hank and Felix goes to third.

As much as we all think Kenny Williams is a dopey blowhard who got lucky and accidentally built a World Series winner a couple years ago (he tried to assemble a ‘small ball’ team and ended up with a lousy offense who rode the crest of a great pitching roll), at least he would have the good sense to make some panicked trades.  The good news is when you are this bad, you can’t make a really bad trade because you don’t have anybody you’d actually miss.

Well, that’s an exaggeration.  I’m sure Jimbo could find a way to cripple the teams for the future and the present.  Yeah, actually, I know he could.

Joe Borchard is pinch hitting for Reynel Pinto and his helmet is pinching his ear over.  How fucking big are his ears that they don’t fit inside a batting helmet?

Borchard singles to center and Guzman literally throws his glove at the ball, but misses.  Had he hit the ball, Borchard would have been given a single and the runner would have scored anyway.  It’s 9-0.  Which, of course is the forfeit score.  That would have been a preferable strategy than playing this one.

Angel hits Abercrombie, prompting Harry Doyle to comment, “About time, it’s nine nothing.”

Guzman strikes out Uggla, so he held the Marlins to three that inning.  Great job.  Aces.  You’re the best, kid.

Tatooed freak Justin Miller pitches the eighth for the Marlins.  Soriano grounds to the Amoeba at third and finishes up Bobblehead Day 0-4.  Hey, maybe Friday can be Jeff Francoeur Bobblehead Day?

Soriano, Theriot and Lee go down without a peep.  Gotta love the fight this bunch shows.  Really makes you want to tune in on Friday.

If you enjoyed empty seats last August and September, you might just be aroused come June with this mess.

Hanley Ramirez grounds to E-ramis who took way too long to throw to first and when he did he threw it away.  Otherwise, nice play.

Dempster strikes out the Amoeba as Bob tries to explain how the Cubs can be this talented and this bad.  I think it’s time to reconsider how talented they are.

Lee is good, so is Ramirez.  Soriano’s expensive.  The rest of the offensive players?  Flawed either by ability, durability or mentality.

The bullpen is an erratic closer, two expensive guys overpitched the last four years by two or three different teams and a bunch of young guys who are as likely to get torched for four runs as they are to work a clean inning.  The starting rotation includes an erratic ace, two unproven lefty youngsters and a couple of career .500 pitchers.

Gee, maybe that’s not so talented?

In the ninth, Cornelius leads off with a lineout to center.  He’s hitting .301 with a .363 on base average.  Clearly, he needs to be paroled to an AL team in need of a DH.

E-ramis whiffs and that leaves it up to DeRosa.  When he pops out the winning pitcher will be Randy Messenger, the loser will be Ted Lilly and all of us Cubs fans who watched.

Instead, DeRosa takes a pitch right off the ass.  Speaking of that, did you hear about Yadier and Edmonds?

Brenly thinks the Marlins did it on purpose.  Why not start a fight?  What’s the harm?  Maybe Jock and Asshole Catcher will be wounded or killed?

Jock grounds to first, the Cubs get swept and really, didn’t put up much of a struggle, no matter how Carrie the Muskrat wants to portray it.  What will today’s effort be?  Inspired?  Scrappy?  Docile?