After eight years (on Desipio and On-Hoops) you’d think I’d be better at this than I am. Anyway, come back tonight for the only draft coverage you’ll ever need. We’ve even sent Karry Ling to New York City where he’ll be interviewing all of the important people. See, we spare no expense.
In the meantime, read Matt Turvey’s draft preview. It’s good stuff. Chad Ford is taking notes right now. That little hairless weasel…
It’s six o’clock, which is when the draft is supposed to start, but given that ESPN has a group of about 17 people to introduce it’ll probably start sometime around midnight.
But I can take the time to introduce our cast of experts.
Live at the Garden in New York is our old pal Karry Ling. He’s going to be getting any interviews that he can. Knowing his sense for news, he’ll be interviewing a janitor, a guy selling hot dogs on the street and several low rent prostitutes.
Louisville Head Coach Rick Pitino joins here live on the set at Desipio Headquarters. Rick is best known for coining the term multiversatile at the draft a few years ago.
And then there’s me. In a past life I used to do this NBA stuff for a living. Well, part of a living. OK it wasn’t much of a living but not all of the checks bounced.
With his hair slicked back like a blonde Steve Lavin, Ric Bucher looks quite a bit like Max Headroom.
And no, I’m not 50 years old. I just feel like it some days.
As always, Andy Katz looks like a pile of pubic hair. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Hello again, everybody! It’s your old pal Karry Ling, live from Madison Square Garden in New York City! Did anybody see my interview last night with Paris Hilton? Did you think I asked her enough questions about the body cavity search? Hello!
You’ll be excited to know that I just lined up an interview with the biggest Chinaman I’ve ever seen. His name apparently is Hee John Leon.
ESPN is reporting that Boston is trading Wally Szczerbiak, Delonte West and the fifth pick for Ray Allen.
This is an excellent trade for Boston. I fully expect them to win the NBA Eastern Conference in 2002.
Bill Russell’s not walking through that door.
Larry Bird’s not walking through that door.
Lisa Salters is interviewing Mike Conley Jr and Greg Oden and asking them about how they met in the sixth grade. She asked Conley what he thought and he said, “I thought he was the biggest goddamned janitor I’d ever seen.”
Or something like that.
Stumanji is interviewing Kevin Durant and is taunting him by saying, “I weight 185 pounds, can you bench press me, tough guy? Can you?”
Joakim Noah is wearing a white corduroy tuxedo with gold trim and a bow tie. Now might be a good time to tell you that all college season long I had my wife convinced that Joakim was a girl and that she was so good that Florida let her play on the men’s team.
That never got old.
I’m here with the only Chinese thing you can see from outer space! Actually, that’s the Great Wall. I’m not interviewing the Great Wall. That would be pointless. It’s a wall. Speaking of that, did you see my interview with Paris last night? How’d you like it when she talked about how religious she is, how she bought a bible from the prison commissary and when I asked her what her favorite bible passage was, she amazingly (sure) didn’t have one?
What do you think about that Yi?
Yi: Yes!
I’m impressed that you have worked so hard on your English that you are not using a translator.
Yi: Yes!
I know you don’t want to play in Memphis, Milwaukee or Atlanta. How does Chicago sound?
Yi: Duck sauce!
Damn right, duck sauce! Who would you compare your game to? Dirk Nowitzki? Marcus Fizer? Malik Allen?
Yi: Duck sauce!
Excellent. Good luck tonight, Yi.
I’m not wearing pants!
Rick, what do you think of Yi?
I think if you painted the business end of a mop black, you’d have a proportional Yi doll.
You guys should see Stu Scott up close. His wandering eye is so red it looks like Mars is orbiting his…uh…orbit. I haven’t seen an eye that red since last night when I dreamt about Paris’ body cavity search.
By the way, you should see the hands on Greg Oden’s grandmother. It’s enough to make Jerry Krause weep.
Aunt Bea is addressing the crowd before the draft. She just called it the “Wahoo Theater.” That can’t be right can it?
That’s not Aunt Bea?
That’s David Stern?
Yee-ikes.
Joakim’s suit is made of me.
Is on the clock. Pick #1.
I seer your sucker and raise you a corduroy.
Didn’t Portland get me in last year’s draft?
It’s about time we made our way to Desipio. Hello!
Is what Joakim’s nickname in the locker room is.
Greg Oden is a Trail Blazer.
I don’t mean a Portland Trail Blazer, I mean he’s old enough to have hiked with Lewis and Clark.
I’m here with the father of the number one pick in the draft, Greg Oden.
You must be proud of your son.
Greg Oden: What? My son?
Sorry, your grandson.
Greg Oden: Uh…I’m Greg Oden.
Greg Oden Sr?
Greg Oden: Greg Oden, the only.
Oh. Great! Neat. Congratulations.
Seattle selects Kevin Durant. Kevin Just hugged his grandmother and broke both of his arms.
I have to say it.
Go ahead, coach.
Kevin Durant is the most multiversatile athlete in the draft.
Lisa just interviewed Kevin’s mother who is crying and doing everything but yell “My moneytrain just made it into the station!”
Nice call on that trade…think Yi Bling Bling falls to us?
I said that Durant is a “perpindicular post player.” I’m clearly making shit up.
Jeezy Chreezy. You know why Kevin Durant can’t bench press 185 pounds? Because his freakin’ wingspan is 7’5. Do you have any idea how far he’d have to move 185 pounds to “bench press” it? Enough, Stu bag.
We’re on the clock!
Anybody see our new uniforms?
http://www.nba.com/hawks/news/newuniform_pr_062707.html
Al Horford is who we though he is!
You wanna crown him? Crown his ass!
Atlanta takes Al Horford. Who needs a point guard?
Forget Oden and Durant, Petteri Koponen rules!
Mike Conley Jr is taken by Memphis.
Jeff Green to Boston but he’s going to end up in Seattle after the trade.
I like how Green is wearing the Celtics cap, but Stu is already asking him about playing in Seattle.
I’m here interviewing the mothers of Kevin Durant and Jeff Green.
Mamas: Sob, wail, sob, wail
Uh…back to you.
Duck Sauce is falling down the draft board toward Chi-town!
Don’t call it Chi-town, Coach.
Will Milwaukee start an international incident by drafting Yi with this pick? They’re one of the towns he said he didn’t want to play in.
Baghdad was the other one.
Is it a bad omen that right after the Jeff Green pick ESPN showed an NBDL promo?
No! No Muwaker! No Muwaker!
From the Guandong Southern Tigers, Milwaukee takes Yi.
Will they trade him for Robert Traylor like they did Dirk Nowitzki?
Schlam-Yi, Schlam-ozzle!
With a c?
Jack Sikma’s not walking through that door.
Paul Mokeski’s not walking through that door.
Stu just interviewed Yi and I didn’t understand either of them. And, at no time did either of them say Duck sauce.
Screamin’ A is going nuts because apparently Bucks’ GM Larry Harris never saw Yi work out, but his dad, Del, did.
That tewwible.
Corey Brewer to the T’wolves.
Joakim Noah has that Brady Quinn look about him right now.
You know…because they’re both gay.
Why does ESPN keep going to Ron Santo for draft analysis and where is his toupee?
Uh, Karry, that’s Dick Vitale.
Corey Brewer’s mom is blonde. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that it’s not naturally blonde.
Stu needs to be beaten with a shoe. He just said to Corey, “Growing up, you worked construction with your dad and didn’t have an allowance. You had the most to lose by going back to college last year.”
Yeah, because most college students have dads who either played in the NBA or played tennis and sing faggy French rock music.
Charlotte’s up next and Michael Jordan let me see his draft board last week. On it he had Brandan Wright number one, followed closely by Dante Calabria, Jeff Lebo and Marion Jones.
Hair over the left shoulder — check
Hair behind the right shoulder — check
Lips puffed out like Bubba from Forrest Gump — check
Nose hooked like a Phil Mickelson drive — check
What a fucking shock this is. MJ picks Brandan Wright from………
North Carolina.
Brandin Wright is long and has upside.
When are they just gonna dump Nichols so I can do all of these things?
When did Sam Vincent become the head coach of the Bobcats?
What Stu should ask Brandan is “You couldn’t play hard for 30 minutes a night in 30 games with Roy Williams riding your ass non-stop. Why should we think that you will give a shit in the NBA?”
Bulls on the clock.
The big French lady will weep uncontrollably if she’s not picked here.
I’m a perfect fit for the Bulls. Just ask me.
The Bulls pick: Joakim Noah
Viva la Estrogen!
I would totally fuck Joakim’s mom.
DANG IT!
It’s not a bad time, Karry. Trust me.
He certainly wins the award for best suit.
“How bout the style of Joakim Noah?” Is feminine a good style for a guy?
What is wrong with Joakim’s shooting form? Looks tight to me!
When your grandfather has dreadlocks, you know you’re from a cool family.
Both of my grandfathers had dreads.
Wait until Joah finds out he’s been traded with Ben and Tyrus to Minnesota. He’s gonna love it in the Twin Cities.
Nice interview Lazy Eye, way to ask the pertinent questions. Your ass needs to be shot out of a fucking cannon.
Spencer Hawes to the Kings.
I’m disappointed that the Bulls didn’t pick him. He’s the Will Perdue of the ’00s.
Stu just said to Hawes: “Jay Bilas says you’re not a good athlete and you don’t jump very well. What do you say to that.”
I say, fuck you Jay Bilas. You non-athlete, non-jumping expert.
“We need size on our roster.”
Not sideways, apparently, just up and down.
I enjoy listening to Screamin’ A rip the Noah pick because it doesn’t address the Bulls’ need for a low post scorer. Because apparently the only way they can ever address it is to draft a guy with the ninth pick in the first round.
Other than Spencer Perdue, who was there to draft there to address that? Get over it, Screamin’.
Hello Atlanta!
“This is what I do!”
Acie Law is the balls. Nice pick, even for the Hawks.
Tirico just said that Acie is the “great uncle” of Ernie Banks. Wow, and I thought Oden was old.
Acie’s multiversatile. Just listen to what Bilas said about him:
The one question I have about his is can he blow by anybody, and his shooting and can he guard anybody?
That’s one big assed question.
Eddy Curry and Antonio Davis to the Bulls for Tim Thomas, Mike Sweetney, Jermaine (not Tito) Jackson, Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah?
I win! Or perhaps not.
Billy King is working feverishly to move up from the 12 th pick in the first round.
Uh…oh, look, it’s the 12th pick. Never mind.
Sixers take Thaddeus Young. Thaddeus? Was Copernicus not available?
Hornets take Julian Wright. If you have a center who can’t shoot (Tyson) why not put a forward next to him who can’t shoot either?
Jay just said that “Julian Wright can do everything but shoot it.”
Last I checked, the team with the most points still wins, right?
Julian Wright is awe-some. He’s guh-reat. Thanks for all the Final Fours he helped us get to.
Al Thornton is the pick of the Clippers. Yes, I don’t care either.
Stu just asked 24-year old Al Thornton what his age will bring to the Clips locker room…
“Beer?”
I really hoped Julian would go to the Clips. He’d join big-tme Livingston as guys I lost. Oh well, Eric Gordon or Derrick Rose will be in the Clips backcourt next year. I’ll have plenty of time to watch them when I don’t make the NCAA tourney.
What, exactly is a Rodney Stuckey?
He’s a lot like a Maurice Evans.
Wow. I think my speakers have been blown.
The Knicks traded Steve Francis and Channing Frye for Zach Randolph? It’s a nice trade. Especially if they’re going to start dogfighting at the Garden.
Here’s how much I’ve paid attention. I didn’t even know Daequan Cook had left Ohio State early. Wow, are they going to suck next year.
I see we had our first guy come out of the audience to report to his new team. A guy from Italy who Golden State took. That never gets old.
Did you say the Knicks traded for Randolph Scott? Holy shit. Nice move.
Tirico just clicked off the list of great DePaul draft picks like Aguirre, Cummings and Strickland. What? No love for Dallas Comegys or Skip Dillard? Asshole.
Isiah’s a great coach.
Someone should drug test me right now.
Maybe Spike should spend less time analyzing Knicks’ drafts and more trying to make a movie that doesn’t suck.
When “Inside Man” is easily the best movie you’ve made in a decade you are in a suh-lump.
I just sold the 24th pick for $3 million to the Blazers! I get to keep that cash, right?
John Paxson was a white guard who made some big shots in the Finals for the Bulls and is a GM.
Steve Kerr was a white guard who made some big shots in the Finals for the Bulls and is a GM.
Why the fuck am I stuck working color on Iowa Hawkeyes games?
Oh, I remember. I’m a complete douche.
The Suns just drafted Rudy Fernandez for Portland. Rudy appears to be capable of scoring with both hands and smoke a pack of cigarettes per half.
Dino Radja could smoke that punk right under the table.
Bilas said that Wilson Chandler will be a better pro than he was a college player. I should hope so. He was a fucking dog half the time for us.
Which Illini will the Jazz take tonight? My guess is Tim Brasic!
Screaming A is ripping me? As soon as I get done smoking these dozen cigarettes and receiving hummers from a half dozen Swedish supermodels, I will begin to give a shit.
Morris Almond? Isn’t he one of the Temptations?
I have KG linked to just about every team in the NBA now.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2919016
Clearly, someone should hit me with a giant bag of AIDS.
The Rockets just drafted Aaron Brooks? For chrissakes, they’re drafting quarterbacks now?
Andy Katz is reporting that “there’s a developing situation” that the Bucks are trying to make sure Yi goes to the Bucks tomorrow for a media get together. Andy is making it sound like Larry Harris is about to kidnap him.
This will not end well. But it will end with Jack Bauer.
WHO DO YOU PLAY FOR?
PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA?
Is it just me or does Ric Bucher get more handsome as the night goes on?
Fabio is not coming through that door.
Seattle doesn’t have a coach?
I’ll do it.
Screamin’ A just said “cue-dos” instead of kudos. Are those like cheesy doodles?
Aaron Afflalo, come on down!
How did he not get invited to the draft? The Pac-10 player of the year, the man who singlehandedly sent Bill Self’s hairpiece home?
The Spurs drafted Tiago Splitter?
I got a Tiago Splitter in Cambodia in the 60s. Hurt like a son of a bitch. Best ejaculation I ever had.
Apparently Karry is multiversatile.
Tiago Splitter is a kickass name.
I’m still trying to come to grips with the idea that a French lady is going to be playing for the Bulls. Well, I guess it beats Mark Randall.
The Beege got his 3,000 hit. The Astros can now take him and his career out behind the barn and shoot them.
Somewhere, a pantless Chip Caray is rooting The Beege on.
Karl Ravech just said that “What Derek Jeter is to the Yankees, so is Craig Biggio to the Astros.” And that tells you everything you’ll ever need to know about how craptastic Houston is.
Alando Tucker to the Suns. Apparently they were thin at “too short and can’t shoot”.
Dickie V is ripping the Knicks for trading for Zach Randolph, which was only the third biggest no-brainer of the freakin’ night. Athletes don’t get arrested in New York, do they?
Potekan (see comment 34) can sleep well tonight. Petteri Koponen is the final pick of the first round (key here–guaranteed money) by the Sixers.
Go Potekan or go home.
Ready for my 60 minutes of fame, bitches!
Sorry Russ. We’ve got…Adam Silver? Is he David Silver’s dad?
Carl Landry got drafted? Consider me underwhelmed. He blew at Purdue.
Fore!
I just traded Brandan Wright for Jason Richardson? Nice.
Screamin’ A and Mark Jackson hate the Richardson-Wright trade. But come on, Brandan Wright’s a complete wuss. Isn’t he? He was on my TV.
I just got drafted by the Celtics?
Mr. Kotter!
Gabe Kaplan is a great actor, a tremendous poker player and he owns racehorses like me! He’s mul…nah, he’s just well rounded.
Nick Fazekas is a Maverick. Remember when the Illini played Nevada two years ago and Roger Powell made him disappear? That does not bode well for Nick.
Jay just compared Glen Davis to Oprah. I assume it’s because their asses are the same size.
Because I know you all care. Tonight’s Draft Live was fueled mainly by several Pacifico beers. I tend to drink Newcastle during the Cubs’ running diaries. I wanted Carlsberg but couldn’t find any place in our one horse town where they sold it. Bastards.
Oh, somebody wake up Potekan, the Blazers have “bought” Peteri Kopponen.
Then, they drafted Josh McRoberts.
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
We should have raped Josh.
espn is doing a crappy job of reporting and talking about trades. Or maybe I’m just not paying attention.
McRoberts to Portland. How quickly will he get caught with drugs? I have nothing to back that up. I just think he looks shady.
Jay just said that McRoberts “plays well with others.”
Is this kindergarten?
The only drugs I do are for my allergies.
And several animal grade horse tranquilizers.
Am I allowed to draft Americans?
The Sixers just drafted a guy who averaged 6.9 ppg in the UKRANIAN league. I think we all know how great that league is.
The Lakers drafted Sun Yue and Fran Fraschilla (still not wearing pants) says he’s like Toni Kukoc.
Apparently he doesn’t shower either.
Stanko Barac’s gonna be HUGE.
Let’s feel sorry for Brandan Wright. Instead of living in Mayberry he gets to move to San Francisco. Boo freakin’ hoo.
Adam Haluska to the Hornets. He’s got lots of tools, but apparently no comb.
Jay just said that Haluksa is an NBA-type player. That’s good because the NBA is an NBA-like league.
I hate espn.
Why is Tirico interviewing Tom Skerritt? Is he going to start having sex with Drew Barrymore on a car hood? Is he going to fly wingman with Maverick?
Bulls pick: Aaron Gray — the big, white, stiff from Pitt.
Erin Gray? I loved her in Silver Spoons and Buck Rogers!
Hide your dime bags, boys! JamesOn Curry is a Bull.
Paxson apparently told JamesOn that if he was still there at 51 they’d take him. I wouldn’t be shocked if all three draft picks make the team. For what that’s worth.
Am I done? Can I go now?
Taurean Green’s a Blazer and I’m gone.
Seattle not only doesn’t have a coach but also just let their radio PBP guy go a couple days ago and nobody can figure out why. Oh the drama!
You know it’s getting bad for Bruce Weber recruiting-wise when Utah has one of the last picks and they pick a barely above-average forward FROM PROVIDENCE.
Man, this NBA draft thing was fun. Too bad I’ll never recruit a player who gets drafted.
“Crying Game” Noah all up in your…..you. STOP BLOWING KISSES AT EVERYTHING NOAH YOU FUCKING FRUITY BASTARD!