You have to feel kind of good about the results of the NBA Draft Lottery last night. There’s only one person in the world who would geniuinely have been excited about finding out he’s going to be the first pick of the draft and have to move to Cleveland. And they got him. They also, apparently also have Iowa State’s old uniforms.

Who knew?

The lottery has become high comedy over the years. Sure, we miss the days of Rod Thorn staring blankly into the camera and reading his lines as though he was making a POW tape, but Russ Granik is a nice successor. He’s the only guy I’ve ever looked at and said, “Hey, he kind of looks like Randy Pfund.”

For me, the best moment is always when it’s down to two guys. Since they reveal who gets the second pick before they reveal the lottery winner, you get the best “loser reaction shot” in all of pro sports.

Last night, it was no exception.

After we saw picks 4-13, we knew that only the Grizz had crashed the party. The Knicks and Raptors had lousy picks, the Bulls were stuck with the seventh pick in a three player draft, and the only real drama was that if the Grizzlies didn’t get the top pick, then the Pistons would get it.

Get this, the reason was that the Pistons traded Otis Thorpe to the Grizzlies in 1997. Otis Thorpe?!? That’s just so Grizzly.

So after a stuttering, stammering Sean Elliott (normally pretty good on TV) babbled on about some of the lottery picks, and Jay Bilas and his creepy hairline did the same, ABC went to commercial. I was hoping they’d make the lottery guys wait until halftime. How great would that have been? We might have actually seen Jerry West attack Cavs owner Gordon Gund in the green room out of frustration.

After the commercial, Granik revealed the third pick and it was Denver. That meant that Memphis was in the most tenouous position, ever. If they won the lottery they got to keep the pick and take LeBron, if they finished second they lost the pick to Detroit.

The look on Jerry West’s face told the story when Granik opened envelope number two and it had the Grizzlies logo on it. If Jerry was an astronaut he’d have broken the cap on his tooth and taken the hidden cyanide capsule on the spot. You could tell that for a minute he considered trying the “Gordon Gund is blind, I’ll bet I can confuse him into thinking the Cavs logo in on that card” plan, but thought better of it.

So the Cavs won the lottery. They’re set to add LeBron to a cast that includes Dajuan Wagner and Ricky Davis and Darius Miles. It’s basically the best set up for clashing posse violence since the Sixers split up Jerry Stackhouse and Allen Iverson. Oh boy is this great.

LeBron did an interview with Andy Katz in which he expressed genuine excitement about playing for the Cavs. Who knew?

Annika Sorenstam shot a one over 71 in the first round of The Colonial, good enough for 76th place.

Seventy-sixth? Really?

And this is considered good? Damn, I wish when I’d sent my high school grades to Notre Dame that more golfers were on the selection committee. If 76th is good, I’d have a little ND sheepskin on the wall right now.

Mmmm…sheepskin.

If you watched the Cubs game last night, I apologize. Not for the win, that was great. But I honestly think that the Cubs are trying to antagonize me, and that’s why they played so poorly. But then, when you decide to let Tom Goodwin put you on his shoulders and carry you to victory, you pretty much have already acknowledged that it’ll be a bumpy ride.

Tom Goodwin? Really? See, this is bad. He got three hits (should have had four if not for a great catch by a suddenly re-friskied Kenny Lofton (re-friskied? hey, go with it) and now Dusty will keep him on the team for at least two more months. It might have been worth the loss just to throw Goodwin over the side.

Was it just me, or was Chip Caray at his full-throated height of annoying last night? For the first time all year I was back to hurling more than a dozen “shut up Chip”‘s at the TV. Watching your favorite team shouldn’t be work, but with Chippy it is. It’s agonizing. He sucks the fun right out of it. He’s back to starting profound statements that he doesn’t know how to finish.

Stuff like…

“You know, the key thing here for the Cubs is…to use yellow mustard on their hot dogs.”
“I think even the most casual baseball observer would agree that Corey Patterson needs…to grow out his sideburns a little.”
“Hey Steve, remember when I was a fat kid? Yeah, it’s making a comeback.”

I’ll try and write down some actual examples, but you can hear it happen. He starts to try and sound like a baseball sage and you can literally hear the confidence drop out of his voice in the middle of a sentence when he realizes he has taken out the paint roller and trapped himself in the corner.

Any Mike Lowell trade needs to have Chip in it. I feel very strongly about this.

I think there’s something we need to address about the 2003 Cubs and Dusty Baker. There was never a better illustration of this problem than last night.

Dusty’s a great guy and a great manager. He’s got some quality coaches who are making a difference.

But…you knew there’d be one…what the hell is going on with Wendell Kim? Has there ever been a worse third base coach in the history of the world? How hard is it to be a third base coach? Your main job is to stand there, in foul territory, and maybe twice a game make a decision about whether a runner should try and round third and score or stay put. There are drive thru attendants at Taco Bell who have more responsibility than Wendell Kim does.

Let’s just say that based on last night, you don’t want Wendell handling your Cheesy Gordita Crunch order.

Case in point, sixth inning. Moises Alou has found himself on second base and Corey Patterson singles to right center. Now if I’m the third base coach, the minute Kenny Lofton shows he’s going to be the one to field the ball you send Moises. Not only does Kenny have a weak arm, it’s inaccurate, too. It’s common knowledge. He’s got a weenie arm.

With nobody out, Wendell holds Moises, who would have scored. The Cubs screw up a first and third with nobody out and don’t score.

Now it’s the seventh inning and Matt Clement is on second base. If you take a good look at Matt Clement on the bases he looks like a kid in the supermarket who can’t find his mom. He’s completely lost. I’m amazed he even knows to keep making left turns out there.

This time, there’s a single to right field with two outs. Reggie Sanders is playing shallow and the ball is hit like a bullet to him. Surely, if Wendell had held Alou, an acutal baseball player, with weenie armed Lofton fielding the ball, there’s no way that he’d send Clement, a pitcher—dragging the proverbial plow, and challenge one of the best arms in the National League.

Oops.

Clement was out by 50 feet. I’m not even exaggerating. He even had the “why am I still running” look on his face when he made the turn at third.

Then Chip went into full apologist mode. While Steve was railing that it was ludicrous to send Clement in that situation, Chip said something like, “Well, Wendell was part of that Giants World Series team on which both Lofton and Sanders played, so he probably based his decision on his knowledge of those guys.”

No! Wrong!

Kim hadn’t been with the Giants since 1996. He went to Boston in 1997 where he drew the complete wrath and ire of every Red Sox fan for being the worst third base coach in the history of the game. Then he managed in the Brewers farm system for a year and was Montreal’s bench coach last year.

If you’re going to be a Cubbie kiss ass apologist, at least do your homework.

I don’t know Kim’s function. I really don’t. In the Saturday Cubs-Cardinals game we did the GameCast for, he was directly responsible for one of Corey Patterson’s baserunning mistakes. Patterson was at first and went on a hit and run. The ball was hit behind him. He turned his head to find the ball and couldn’t, so he hit the bag and looked at third and Wendell was standing there, watching the play. He wasn’t coaching. He wasn’t telling Corey to stop at second or come to third. So Patterson slowed down and then tried to make it to third. Had he just run he’d have made it to third. Had he stopped he’d have been safe at second. He didn’t have the chance to do either.

The dugout reaction shot of Dusty when Kim sent Clement home said it all. Here’s Dusty, with a seven man coaching staff when MLB only allows six. Sonny Jackson can’t be on the bench in uniform during the games. He works out the players before the game, then dresses in street clothes and watches the games from a box. If I were Sonny, I’d be brushing up on my sign relaying skills.

I’m not saying. I’m just saying.

Tom Goodwin was the hero last night. Hey, Marvelle Wynne even got to be a hero one time. Why not Tom?

Dusty says if you lose 11 or 12 in a row, that’s bad. Really?

Greg Walker hasn’t swallowed his tongue in years.

John Paxson was glad his brother won the lottery. I wish mine would.

Dwyane Wade wants to be a Bull. I just wish he’d learn to spell his name right.

Groucho says the Bulls are likely to trade their pick.

Kerry Wood can’t wait to lock horns with Roger Clemens.

John Jackson says that Annika is no Julie Krone. Huh?

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to give Annika big smoochie on the hiney.

Big Choi’s big Achilles doesn’t seem to be seriously hurt. But then, neither was Sammy’s toe.

I don’t know what happened to the Sun-Times formatting here, but somewhere on this page is an article about how Twins manager Ron Gardenhire blew out his hammy lifting a water cooler.

Nike signed LeBron for $90 million more than they’re paying me.

The Bears really know how to treat the fans, don’t they?

The Wizard of Roz shows his Annika love.

The Cavs were armed with lots of stupid lucky charms.

Andy Katz spent Draft Lottery night with LeBron. Not in the biblical sense. I don’t think.

Dick Vitale can even yell in print. Yikes.

Stewey says the Big East is toast.

David Feherty is hung up on genitalia. I’m serious.

The American Idol host guy is getting a talk show. Make it stop.

I want to vacation in the Congo! The Pygmies are asking the UN to help them from the cannibals. I’m not making this up.

America’s finest news source shows that finally, the Department of Homeland Security is getting serious.