You should know that the Pirates have a lousy offense when Steve Stone laments the loss of Jack Wilson. Jack Wilson. A key cog in the Jolly Roger attack. Yet, this pittance of offensive ability has lit up the mighty Cubs pitching staff for 19 runs in two games.

Granted, nine of them came in the inning from hell on Monday when Juan Cruz and Antonio Alfonseca stated loudly, and on the record, that they don’t want to be traded to the Marlins.

But come on? It’s the Pirates!

Meanwhile, in St. Louis the Cardinals are getting serious about this pennant race thing. Yesterday they recalled the great So Taguci from AAA and then, they traded for erstwhile Texas Rangers bullpen fodder Esteban Yan.

I think we can all agree that if So and Yan are the answers, the question is either in Chinese or we’re afraid to consider what it might be in English.

The Cubs announced yesterday that slugging third base prospect David Kelton has dropped two of his three adjectives. He’s still slugging, but he’s bagging the third base thing, and as a result he’ll play either left field or first base. So really, how much of a prospect is he?

While many Cubbie hiney licking apologists will lament the failure of Kelton to master the hot corner. But it brings to light two things. 1) Just how ridiculous was the Eric Hinske for Scott Chiasson trade? 2) One of the reasons Kelton no doubt ditched third base was due to those very loud Brendan Harris footsteps coming up behind him.

This doesn’t really change the Cubs immediate need for a third baseman not named Bellhorn or Harris. In fact, it probably makes it easier to commit to Mike Lowell or Shea Hillenbrand long term, given that Harris can play third, but might be a better second baseman, and that really, there’s nothing else around.

What it certainly does is take away any trade leverage the Cubs had. If I’m Marlins’ GM Larry Beinfest (I went to Bein Fest 2002, it was great), I’m coming to the next trade negotiation session with Jim Hendry wearing a ski mask.

Just how much of a red ass is Curt Schilling? Let us count the ways…

My favorite part is the absolute blunt truth told by Sandy Alderson, “What this is about is about is Curt Schilling wanting pitches that are balls, called strikes. If that’s what he wants, he should go to the rules committee. Otherwise, he should stop whining and go about his business.”

Players’ Association hatchet man Gene Orza doesn’t think that MLB should investigate Schilling’s camera bashing. Hey Gene, show me the part of the basic agreement that allows baseball players to destroy equipment that doesn’t belong to them. When you find it, I’ll be right over to take a seven-iron to your TV set.

Diamondbacks’ manager Bob Brenley couldn’t help but comment on this, either. With Bob Melvin off managing in Seattle, Brenley has to operate his own puppet strings and stuff like this comes out. “Obviously, Curt has a personal interest in this. He’s trying to make a living out there, and it makes a difference in the strike zone. I can sympathize with his passion.”

Again, Bob, I’ll be over tonight, do you want me to take a fungo bat to your satellite dish or your Mercedes?

How perfect is the news that NBA bon vivant Larry Brown resigned from the Philadelphia 76ers on Monday, with two years left–at six million per no less–on his contract, and yesterday he met with Houston about their open coaching job? What caused the retirement, Larry, a little bout of 24-hour exhaustion?

The announcement that the Women’s World Cup has been moved from China to the United States has me all fired up for soccer. Not only is it a reason to show gratuitous photos of the only soccer player we actually like (Heather Mitts)
but it gives us an excuse to link to a story about a guy named Denny Grewcock.

Remember what a big deal the 1999 Women’s World Cup was? Remember the sold out Rose Bowl, the big final against China, Brandi Chastain ripping off her jersey to show off her sports bra? Yeah. Well, this time around the World Cup finals will be held in October. Right in the middle of the college and pro football seasons, during the baseball playoffs, and basically, in a half-empty stadium with little or no live TV coverage. You’ve come a long way, baby.

Rosey goes off.

Rick Morrissey has two bad ideas for keeping the Cubs in first. He wants to trade for Luis Castillo so that Mark Grudzielanek can play third. This would be great if the Cubs actually needed somebody to drive in a runner once and a while. His other idea is to bring back The Shooter. Hey, there’s a reason the Cubs are calling the Wellemeyers and Nortons of the world to Chicago and not Rod Beck. If he wasn’t throwing BP fastballs, he’d be a Cub already. And have you noticed no other teams seem to be beating the Cubs door down to get Rod? Hmmm…

Remember how Matt Clement was a throw-in in the El Pulpo trade? Yeah, well he’s pitching like it, too.

Dave Kelton is out in left field.

Magglio Ordonez went all Jaime Navarro last night. Never a good thing.

MJ and Tiger played Olympia Fields yesterday. MJ stiffed his caddy and then tried to stiff Tiger’s girlfriend. OK, I made the last part up. Maybe.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut and writes one of the most pointless, stupid, nonsensical columns of his life. And that’s saying something.

The Wizard of Roz wants Larry Brown in Chicago.

Sports Guy hates Roger Clemens. He’s not alone.

Chris Palmer details another Spurs choke job.

Tom Verducci sprouts a Clemens chubby. Why?

Stewey with some tripe on being a top draft pick and ending up in Ohio with your pants down and a roadmap stuffed in your mouth at a rest stop. Or something.

Who are the people who actually call phone numbers they see in movies? Morons!

Liza broke her kneecap? Some people will do anything for a pain killer, won’t they?

They’re going to make a movie out of the most irritating Avril Lavigne song to date. Great!

Intrepid reader Rommy Rudolfi is certain that 600 pound American Idol Ruben Studdard looks like a fat version of Sammy Sosa. I don’t see it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Bravo is doing a gay version of the Bachelor. Who’s the first guy? Probably the guy from the first Bachelor. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

J-Lo and Ben Aflac! are selling their wedding photos (should they actually go through with it) to a British tabloid. No word on who gets to distribute the honeymoon video.

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown met Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon yesterday. Whitney told Ariel that she loved him in The Little Mermaid.

Hillary Duff has left Disney. She’s apparently going to “collaborate” with R. Kelly for a while instead.

How many morons does it take to write Hillary Clinton’s book? At least four!

If you ever get invited to a Memorial Day picnic in Tarpon Springs, Florida…pass.

Paula Zahn is getting a new nightly CNN show that nobody will watch. Paula is like Connie Chung, only talented and pretty.

Dick Morris says Sidney Blumenthal’s book is a hallucination. He then paused to do a line of coke off of the ass of a hooker and then continued his rant.

I think the NY Times is trying to give the Weekly World News a run for the title of the world’s greatest newspaper.

Chandra Levy, the woman who dominated the news until September 11, 2001 after which we lost all interest in, was buried yesterday.

Sir Edmund Hillary’s not really very fond of the guys having keggers on Mt. Everest.

Sony wants us to buy another PS2. Sigh.

The world’s greatest newspaper has news on how you can make your own Viagra. It’s about time.