Unlike other sites (full of pre-teens and pressed sandwich meat) here at Desipio we don’t think Lou Piniella is a doddering old dope.  Just the opposite.  I think he’s one of the best managers in the game.  I love the guy.  I’d happily give him a shirtless hug.

How much of that was out loud?

I also don’t think Lou is daft when it comes to filling out a lineup card.  He’s not into the Dusty Baker saws where your centerfielder leads off because if he’s in center he must be fast and your second baseman bats second because…oh, for Christ’s sake why did he always do that again?

I’m not a big fan of Lou hinting he’s going to bat Ryan Theriot and Alfonso Soriano 1-2, but I am comfortable in the fact that Lou won’t stubbornly stick with something that doesn’t work like some other managers might.    Still, I’m here to offer him some helpful advice on what his lineup ought to look like, if Andy MacPhail continues to insist on sitting in the corner of the Orioles clubhouse brushing Brian Roberts’ hair and singing songs from “The Sound of Music.”

That was a nice visual, eh?

First off, let’s dispel a few lineup myths.

You have to have lefty-righty balance in your lineup.

I suppose ideally this is true, maybe one of the “haves” in that sentence makes it a little too strong.  I guess you could say it’d be nice to have lefty-righty balance in your lineup.  In truth, it doesn’t really matter does it?  Just like you don’t “have” to have a balance of righty or lefty pitchers in your rotation or your bullpen.  If you’ve got all righties in your bullpen, like the Padres did for much of last season, it works if your righties can get both righthanded and lefthanded hitters out.  Just having an asshat like Will Ohman in your bullpen because he happens to hurl a baseball with his left hand doesn’t mean much if he can’t get anybody out.

Same goes with your lineup.  You don’t just throw some hack lefty into the lineup just because  you think you need a lefty.  Who would do that?  Who would insist on playing Neifi Perez or even Lenny Harris for that reason?  I can’t imagine who would be that dumb, can you?

Your leadoff guy needs to be speedy.

Again, this is nice if it works that way, but if you’ve got a fast guy who can’t hit, why would you bat him first?  He’s just going to make really fast outs and not help you a whole lot.  The Red Sox grasped this a long time ago.  Wade Boggs never won any footraces, but he could do two things, he could drink copious amounts of beer on an airplane and he could clog the bases like nobody’s business.

Your worst hitter should bat eighth, or ninth if you are Tony LaRussa.

Well, he shouldn’t bat first or second or anywhere high, but maybe he ought to bat seventh.  It depends on what kind of ‘bad’ he is.  If he’s Felix Pie bad where he swings at everything, I’d bat him seventh.  If he’s Augie Ojeda bad I’d bat him eighth.  Why?  Because from time to time a pitcher decides with two outs he doesn’t want to mess with the eighth place batter, he just wants to pitch him off the plate then deal with the pitcher hitting ninth.  Augie’s going to draw a walk there.  Felix is going to pop up or strike out.  Or hit a double.  But mostly he’s going to pop up or strike out.

OK, let’s assume that the Cubs starting lineup is this:

Catcher – Geovany Soto
First base – Derrek Lee
Second base – Mark DeRosa
Shortstop – Ryan Theriot
Third base – E-ramis Ramirez
Left field – Alfonso Soriano
Center field – Felix Pie
Right field – Kosuke Fukudome

Here’s how I suggest Lou deploys them.

1. Kosuke Fukudome
2. Mark DeRosa
3. E-ramis Ramirez
4. Derrek Lee
5. Alfonso Soriano
6. Geovany Soto
7. Felix Pie
8. Ryan Theriot
9. Pitcher

Well, there goes the lefty-righty balance.  It’s left-right-right-right-right-right-left-right.

You do have a fairly speedy leadoff guy.  And, your worst hitter isn’t batting eighth.

So why would you do this?

Because it puts your four best on base average guys 1-4.

Fukudome had a career .397 oba in Japan.
DeRosa put up a .371 oba last year, his second straight of at least .357.
Ramirez hasn’t had one of less than .352 in his four full seasons with the Cubs.
Lee has had oba’s of better than .400 in each of his last two full seasons.

These are your four best hitters, you bat them 1-4 they get the most at bats during the course of the season.  Isn’t that kind of the point?

So why do I have E-ramis batting third and not Derrek?  Because he’s a better hitter than Derrek.  They’re both good and you probably can’t be wrong batting either one of them third, but over the course of the season I’d like to see E-ramis get a few more at bats than Derrek.

OK, batting fifth is Soriano.  Anybody with Internet access can look it up and see that Alfonso, for his career bats better hitting lead off than anywhere else.

He’s also batted leadoff more than four times more than he’s hit in any other spot.  He’s got 2804 at bats leading off with a .341 oba, compared to 687 (with a .310 oba) hitting third and  626 (with a .312) hitting fifth.

Basically, the reason it’s been OK to lead him off is because while .341 isn’t ideal, it’s not terrible (Cubs fans have seen terrible and it’s Corey Patterson), and he was a stolen base threat in that spot with 135 steals in 199 attempts.  But if he’s not going to be running as much now that he’s older and has a weak leg, he’s just a guy who gets on base 34 percent of the time and stands there.  Shit, even Matt Murton can do that 36 percent of the time.

What he can still do is hit homers.  His days where he could out run his deficiencies at the top of the lineup are probably over.  He’s going to have to move eventually, why not now?

He’s not suited to the second spot in the order.  Baseball geniuses are always going on about how the two hitter needs to take pitches and be patient.  That’s not Al.  Honestly, he’s less suited to hit second than first.  Third-seventh?  They’re all the same to Al.  He can just hack away.  So I pick fifth.

Sixth is easy because Soto’s got some pop, a good knowledge of the strike zone and is clearly a better hitter than the other two guys we have left.

I’d hit Felix seventh for previously stated reasons, and then the scrappy little shortstop eighth.  Theriot’s a smart guy, he’s made himself a better player than most people thought he could.  I like the idea of him hitting eighth because he’s more suited to hitting in front of the pitcher than Felix.  Plus, he’s got almost no power and even though he could kind of serve as kind of a second leadoff hitter down there (say he leads off an inning, gets on, steals second and gets bunted to third by the pitcher–hey, it could happen–once or twice a year).  I just like the idea of him getting fewer at bats than everybody else.

Obviously,  if or when or whatever, Brian Roberts finally comes to town, it changes everything.  He’s the big piece this lineup is missing.  He’s a true leadoff hitter, he switch hits, he steals bases.  Damn, he’s perfect.  You put him in the lineup, bat Fukudome second and leave the rest alone.

Until then it’s just brush-brush-“Doe a deer a female deer…” -brush-brush.