We have to ride these to Iowa?

We have to ride these to Iowa?

A few months ago we published the first half of this preview (actually it was a week ago, it just seems like a month) and now I’m sure you are overdue for some sage comments on the offensive part of the Cubs team.

Pronounce offensive however you see fit.

The Cubs spent the offseason and all of spring training trying to trade for Orioles second baseman Brian Roberts. Unless he’s doing a top notch Mike Fontenot impression, I don’t think it actually happened.

So, the Cubs go into the season with basically the same offense they finished last season with, with the notable exceptions of the Pacific Rim Job they pulled off to get Kosuke “Fukkake” Fukudome. Is it enough?

I guess it damned well better be.

Well, it’s time to make some rash, smart-assed comments about each hitter.

Derrek Lee – We’d all like for him to turn back into the baseball mashing stud he was in the otherwise forgettable 2005 season when he won a batting title and nearly won the triple crown. Since an early season collision with Rafael Furcal in 2006 (for which Furcal received another DUI–his ninth) Derrek’s been kind of a limp-wristed ninny. Right?

Well, you can throw 2006 out the window because he barely played. In the first half of last season he hit .330 with lots of doubles (26) but not much power (only six homers and a .479 slugging percentage). But in the second half he hit 16 homers and slugged .554. Kind of looks like his power returned. So get off the ledge. You’re the ninny.

Mark DeRosa – I’ve got a secret–actually, it’s probably not much of a secret–I really like a lot of Cubs fans. But the preponderance of them make me want to lobotomize myself with a garden weasel. How can you tell the difference between the ones I like and the masses of douchebaggy feelgoodery? Any fan who didn’t want the Cubs to trade for Roberts because DeRosa “deserved” to be the second baseman based on last season, should be hung from their toenails.

I really like Mark DeRosa. I’m glad he’s a Cub. But Roberts is better, and after 100 years of being lousy, it’s time the Cubs (and their fans) embrace the idea that any time you can get a better player, you do that.

That was the whole idea behind the trade. Actually, that’s kind of the idea behind every trade. Anyway, for now, you pansies got your wish. If it were up to me, DeRosa would be playing four or five times a week at spots all over the field. Then again, if it were up to me, Hillary Duff wouldn’t need to put a scorpion into her pants to dance.

Ryan Theriot – Ugh. I have no problem with Ryan Theriot. I’m optimistic he’ll have a better season this year than last. I don’t even mind his lack of defensive range (that much…OK, I kind of do mind it). But are you really going to go into a season with him leading off? Seriously? Anyway, I don’t question Lou’s decisions, because I’m still happy that for the first time in my memory the Cubs have a manager who will actually try things instead of just stick the same old shit and give lots of reasons why something he won’t try won’t work. So I’m going to go with the flow on this. For now.

E-ramis – Remember the days when all anybody could talk about is how long it’s been since the Cubs had a good third baseman? They always counted the years since Ron Santo took his toupee to the south side, and that bothered me, because it completely glossed over Bill Madlock…and Vance Law. OK, maybe not Vance. Anyway, E-ramis has put that to bed with four and a half really good seasons. People think he’s lazy, they prattle on about pancakes or some such nonsense, but I think he’s easily the Cubs best hitter. And, on June 29 last year, when we were trying to decide whether to write them off for another season or so, he took Francisco Cordero deep and set off this:

[Youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrEouiFvS_8]

Alfonso Soriano – Did the Cubs overpay for him two offseasons ago? Of course they did. The only thing you ought to be spending $117 million on is something really important to man-kind. You know, like this:

Just as nice at twice the price.
Just as nice at twice the price.

But in this case, cost was irrelevant. He was the best player on the market, the Cubs had NEVER gone out and paid top dollar for the best player in any market, ever. And, he was pretty damned good. In fact, if not for him completely losing his mind and hitting about four homers a day in September, the Cubs don’t even go to the playoffs. Lou’s moving him down in the order, and I’ll bet he does fine down there. Of course, he’s likely to start slowly because of the cold weather, so everyone will blame it on him not leading off. But everybody’s a moron.

By the way, why does anybody accept the “it’s cold early in the year so I can’t hit” excuse. Isn’t it cold in October? Isn’t that when you play the really important games? How come they don’t use the excuse then?

Because people would set their car on fire, that’s why.

Felix, Pennsylvania – Pie jokes are just too easy. Why not mock the fact that his name is pronounced P.A. by going with the long version of the state’s name? OK, I’m reaching, I know. Anyway, Felix had a good spring, won the centerfield job, had one of his testicles sewn to his sac. Huh? Yikes. Let’s just move on. Felix is a tremendous defensive outfielder and a guy who has hit all through the minors. I’m tired of the Corey Patterson comparisons. I get it, he’s a dark skinned outfielder who wears #20. That has just as much to do with his chances of success as Brian Cabral had to Brian Urlacher.

Anyway, so far, so good for Felix. He hit well in Arizona (which, honestly, everybody should), and the Cubs found a caddy for him to take at bats against lefties. It’s just crazy enough to work. Too bad Ronnie Woo Woo isn’t.

Fukkake! – I think most Cubs fans are concerned about the lack of actual hitting that Fukkake did during the spring, but he got on base a lot, and honestly, that’s what this team needs. He’s as good in the field as they said, and he’s really fast. He should be hitting 1-2, and at least against lefties it looks like Lou’s going to do that.

Besides, what’s the worst that could happen, we might find him face down by the curb some morning?

[Youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tktNZpUTMoQ]

Geovany Soto – The Cubs paraded some of the worst catchers in recent baseball history out there last year. Once Michael Barrett became a basket case and Carlos Zambrano had to beat him to death, they used the great Koyie Hill, Rob Bowen and then traded for Jeffrey Dahmer’s younger brother Jason. (Who, as you might expect has gone back to Milwaukee to be with mother.) The catching looks to be in good hands this year, as Geovany Soto was tremendous after his call up late last season and in the playoffs, and of course, he’s got a legendary backup.

Henry Blanco – Hank’s career was in jeopardy last year because of a neck injury (and the fact that he’s never been able to hit), but he’s healthy and ready to kick some tail around the NL Central again next year. Now, people are touting him as a future manager. And why not? He’s clearly the brains of the bunch. And really, baseball needs a manager with tatoos from his wrists to his elbows.

[Youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhzgTp8q9as]
Hey whitey, where’s your hat?

Reed Johnson – When the Cubs signed Reed Johnson this week, I noticed two things right away.

1. Newspapers are always full of shit. Newsday reported, at mid-day the day Johnson signed with the Cubs that the Mets were “close” to signing Johnson. Close must be a relative term. The day he cleared the first phase of waivers, Johnson flew from Florida (where the Blue Jays train) to Mesa. The next day, he signed a contract with the Cubs ten minutes after the deadline passed and he’d cleared waivers entirely. Or, about 20 minutes after Newsday said he was “close” to signing with the Mets.

2. People immediately compared him to Matt Murton (which makes sense, since he stole Murton’s roster spot) and emphasized on their hitting stats. Murton’s a better hitter, not by a lot, but he’s better. But the reality is that Murton’s not an everyday player, not because he can’t hit, but because he can’t play any outfield position well, and only left field passably. If the Cubs started the season with a five-deep outfield of Soriano, Felix, Fukkake, Murton and Daryle Ward, they would basically have three left fielders. That’s not the end of the world, but it’s not the balance you’d like. I could see the hand-wringing if Reed sucked as much as say, Marlon Byrd or Jay Payton. But they don’t HAVE to get rid of Murton anyway. Just send him to Iowa. He’ll fit right in over there, what with the Opie Taylor looks and the really bad teeth.

Oh, and did you notice that Johnson has already changed numbers? He was given 13 when he started, but I’m sure he was concerned that if he wore it, it would make it tough on the Cubs to retire it in honor of either Will Ohman or Neifi!, so he switched to nine. And don’t think Damon Buford’s not pissed.

Daryle Ward – I have it on authority that his blood is 74 percent maple syrup. But he was a great pinch hitter for the Cubs last year and he can fill in at first or right. He likes first more because it’s a long jog for his fat ass to go all the way to right.

Ronny Cedeno – I’m not going to dispute his talent. Ronny’s got all the tools to be a good big league shortstop. Except for one thing, his biggest tool is that he is a big tool. He’s just so dumb. It pains me to think about it. So I’m done.

Mike Fontenot – What is with his hair? Every time he takes his hat off he looks more and more like David Spade in Joe Dirt.

See, I wasn't kidding.
See, I wasn’t kidding.

Matt Murton – I probably wrote enough about him in the Reed Johnson section. I’m not disputing his ability to hit. But I can’t feel bad for a guy who is now worse in the field and on the bases than he was in 2005. I know being a Cub costs you about 40 baseball IQ points, but it’s still distressing.

Like I said, he'll love Iowa.

Like I said, he’ll love Iowa.

Micah Hoffpauir – Coming out of nowhere to light up the Cacti League will do wonders for your career. Just ask Scott McLain.

And finally (mock applause fills the Internet)…have you noticed the stunning number of Valtrex commercials that WGN has shown during their Cubs spring training games?

You can tell that Kyle Farnsworth spent six seasons in Chicago, can’t you?

Fred Garvin, male prostitute.

Kyle Farnsworth Fred Garvin, male prostitute