Hey Phil! Nice watch!

One of the dangers of a long offseason is that casual fans (or even the obsessive nutcases like us) will forget things. You don’t actually forget the concept, just the degree to which that concept is reinforced. For instance, no offseason would ever be long enough — not even if MLB went on strike for a decade — for me to forget that Chicago Tribune baseball “expert” Phil Rogers is a simplistic moron. What I might forget is just how much of a simplistic moron he is.

Phil tried to remind us over the winter with his absurd plus/minus formula that made no sense and honestly was written as though Phil was daring his editor to set the copy on fire and chase Phil around the newsroom with it.

Already, Phil is back to writing his ‘power rankings’ column, and predictably it sucks.

I had to write one for Rotonews back in the day, and let me tell you, it’s a pointless exercise. It’s tedious and dumb and if you’re not careful it’s going to result in a weekly feature that is unreadable.

In other words, it’s right in Phil’s wheelhouse. Nobody does tedium, dumb or unreadable quite like Bea Phil Arthur Rogers.

Let’s just hit the highlights.

1. Red Sox (2): There’s nothing wrong with the World Series champs that some home cooking won’t cure. The three-nation, 16-day road trip that went from Tokyo to Los Angeles to Oakland and Toronto was historic for a major-league team in the regular season and had to wear on the stamina of players. But the hangover isn’t going to last for long. Talent, especially when it is organized as well as it is in Boston, overcomes most obstacles.

OK, he’s off to a respectable start. Mind you, he wrote this column on Sunday night, just hours after the Red Sox were swept in Toronto. So obviously he’s ranking them on how good he thinks they’ll be over the length of the season, not ranking them on current performance. That seems prudent. Go on, Phil.

5. Padres (10): Oh, what would Jake Peavy give to have turned in a performance against Colorado in that one-game playoff last season like either of his first two 2008 starts? He’s the best pitcher in baseball until stakes get raised.

6. Smart hitters (NR): Kosuke Fukudome’s bunt single on Saturday was a stroke of genius. It’s embarrassing how much better Japanese superstars understand the whole game than those who learn the game in North America, watching sluggers swing for the fences.

The Padres? Meh. But wait, have the Smart Hitters started their own team? Fukudome has gone to play for them? Has anybody told the Cubs? What division are they in? Oh, this is going to suck. I guess the good news is that he’s the only guy they could lose to that team.

Wait, Kosuke bunting because the third baseman was back was a “stroke of genius?” That’s a little over the top, isn’t it Philbert? I mean, Neifi was no genius. Or do you think he’s from Central America? That might change things…no, wait, you’re just a dumbass.

7. Cardinals (20): Remember us? The next few weeks will determine if Tony La Russa is capable of making a rebuilt Cardinals team matter again. Week 1 showed he’s prepared his team as well as any team — as he always does — but who would have predicted an 0.79 ERA the first trip through the rotation?

Oh, fer chrissakes. After five games he’s moved the Cardinals to the head of the class in the NL Central? Just because they waited six games before they went bad didn’t mean they weren’t going to go bad. So now I’m confused. If the Red Sox can get swept and stay number one, but the Cardinals move up to seven for sweeping the Nationals, just what kind of criteria are you using? I mean other than rolling up your own feces and throwing it at a wall with team logos on it.

9. Cubs (6): For this to be a magical season, they will have to play better. They were on a pace to allow a majors-worst 162 unearned runs through five games.

So, what you’re saying is, for this to be a magical season the Cubs will have to win at least one more game than they’ve lost, and they’ll have to not lead the big leagues in unearned runs allowed. Wow, that’s some limb you’re out there on. I’ll bet you got an adrenaline rush just writing something that controversial. Oooh, tingles!

11. Rays (27): A good lineup flexed some surprising muscle on a season-opening trip to Baltimore and Yankee Stadium. Two homers in the first three games is a good sign for first baseman Carlos Pena, who created high expectations with his big 2008.

12. Milwaukee (14): The first trip through the starting rotation put a smile on GM Doug Melvin’s face. Carlos Villanueva and Manny Parra were very solid the first time out after winning the fourth and fifth starter’s job in spring training.

Seriously, Phil. Stop sniffing the airplane model glue. Tampa’s better than the Brewers? So, so, so dumb. Are we ranking them in relation to baseball playing ability or on which city has nicer beaches?

14. White Sox (24): Hey, the thump is back! Twenty-sixth in the majors with a .722 OPS last season, the South Siders had an .853 OPS through Saturday. That was the highest mark in the majors.

The thump is back? Is that what was missing? Didn’t the White Sox hit 190 homers last year, second in the American League? They had thump. Even if they hadn’t, paying any attention to counting or rate stats after six games is just plain pointless. Even the worst team in the league could have one good week (hey, like the Cardinals’ pitching staff!) I thought the reason the Sox sucked last year was because they ranked 12th in the AL in pitching? Well, since you seem to think that after a week those current ranking are meaningful, how about this? They’re now 11th. Hey, they’re back!

17. Twins (18): Livan Hernandez beat the Angels and Royals in his first two starts, for the moment neutralizing the loss of Johan Santana.

18. Yankees (3): The value of the dollar is indeed down. Through five games, the majors’ richest team had been outscored 28-15, somehow managing to be near the bottom in both hitting and pitching stats.

Sigh. So the Twins are better than the Yankees, and Livan Hernandez is as good as Johan Santana. My brain hurts.

20. Phillies (5): It’s hard to bet against players as tough as Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley, but an aging Jamie Moyer is the latest vulnerability for a pitching staff with too many questions.

Jamie Moyer is 45 years old. Forty-five! I’m almost positive that last year he was 44 and pitched for the Phillies. Forty-four! And he’s the “latest vulnerability” for the Phillies? Are the Redcoats the latest vulnerability to our quest for Independence, Phil?

21. Braves (13): Jair Jurrjens appears to be on a mission to make Detroit regret trading him for Edgar Renteria.

If that mission includes pitching five and a third innings every time out and giving up seven hits, then God bless Jair.

24. Marlins (29): With big expectations on his shoulder, Andrew Miller got clubbed in his first start for Florida. His mental toughness could be tested, especially with Cameron Maybin (the co-headliner in the deal that sent Miguel Cabrera to Detroit) at Double A.

Huh? What? So Andrew Miller feels more pressure because the Tigers rightly made the decision to send 20 year old Cameron Maybin back to the minors (where actually, Miller should be, too), why? Because all four Marlins fans might get impatient with him, and a team that won’t contend until 2012?

26. Fast starts (NR): Kansas City was the only team to win its first three games; St. Louis was the only team to win four of its first five.

Smart hitters are ranked sixth, but fast starts only 26? So you like slow starts then. That explains why the Red Sox are number one and then…none of the rest of this list. You’ve got to be doing this on purpose. Nobody is this dumb.

30. Orioles (30): George Sherrill, acquired from Seattle in the Erik Bedard trade, nailed down easy saves in three consecutive games against Tampa Bay and Seattle.

31. Tigers (7): Yes, this is a harsh ranking, but it’s no worse than the postgame assessments of Jim Leyland. This lineup is going to hit but will feel a big strain from the weight of high expectations and a mediocre pitching staff.

OK, let’s get this straight, the first place team in the AL East is ranked higher than the last place team in the AL Central, but below every other AL East team, and actually every other American League team other than Detroit? Again, I ask, what are you basing the rankings on?

The Orioles are 5-1 and nobody thinks they are any good. The Tigers are 0-6 and most people think they’re pretty good, but off to a lousy start. So, if you’re ranking them based on potential you’ve got them wrong, and if you’re ranking them on performance, how can the Orioles possibly be 30th? Are you drunk? What are you basing any of this on?

Why not just rank them alphabetically? How about by prettiest mascot? How about by dumbest columnist?