Who wants the clap?

On Tuesday night, Dusty Baker, Corey Patterson, Kent Mercker and Gabor Bako will make their triumphant returns to Chicago when the Reds open the Cubs’ homestand. The media are already starting their “don’t blame Dusty” crap, and it’ll only intensify. (And exactly why would the players admit to blaming Dusty? If they did, the media would go nuts.) So I thought we’d take a look back at one of the great years of the Dusty “era” in Chicago. 2005. Remember how we followed along and kept track of that team’s finest quotes? Well, here they are again. Enjoy, if you can.

I think more night games will help. We can try to keep the ball in the ballpark. This is a tough ballpark to keep the ball in when the wind is blowing in the wrong direction. It’s something I’ve been wondering about and have been researching.”
— Dusty Baker giving another hackneyed theory as to why the Cubs suck at home. Hey, they sucked on the road, too. How about this? How about the Cubs have little speed and can’t score runs without homers? When the wind blows out ANYBODY can hit one out, when it blows in, the Cubs dumbass hitters are still trying to crank out homers. Gee, that seems illogical! (September 27, 2005)

Wait, there’s more.

“Guys tell me they sleep on the road a lot easier and better than they do at home. At home, you end up waking at 7:00 in the morning because you’re used to getting up early. On the road, you’re not worried about sleeping in and missing batting practice. You’re always conscious here of oversleeping. You don’t want to wake up in a panic, especially if it’s cloudy or dark outside. If it gets sunny early, you’re jumping out of bed and it could be 6 o’clock”
— Dusty Baker. Is that not the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard? Gee, do you think the Cubs struggle at home, not because they wake up early worried about oversleeping, but because they’re out banging bar skanks until four in the morning? (September 27, 2005)

———-

“Next season, he’s going to be in shape. He’ll be strong.”
— Ramon Baloni, the personal trainer that E-ramis Ramirez has hired, on the recommendation of Neifi Perez. Sounds like baloni to me.

“I won’t make any guarantees or promises, but Corey will come back in the best shape of his life.”
— Michael Barrett. Great! Corey will be even faster when he loafs back to the dugout after not running on a dropped third strike. And Michael, that kind of sounds like a guarantee AND a promise. (September 25, 2005)

———-

“I have Cedeno who can’t play and Hairston who can’t play and now I’ve got Walker who can’t play.”
— Dusty Baker. Well, those three are injured, but you also have Jose Macias who can’t play and Neifi Perez who can’t play. You’re batting those two 1-2. (September 24, 2005)

———-

“He’s not overpowering, but he is.”
— Scott Williamson on Greg Maddux. That’s like saying that Scott Williamson isn’t lousy, but he is. (September 21, 2005)

———-

“Everybody says, ‘Play the kids, play the kids.’ But I’ve got seven games against Houston.”
— Dusty Baker, trying to convince us that by playing Neifi Perez and Jose Macias that he’s actually trying to win. I’ve got news for him, the kids give him a better chance than those dopes. (September 20, 2005)

———-

“I can jog fine.”
— E-ramis Ramirez on his recovery from his quad injury. When has he ever done anything but jog? (September 19, 2005)

———

“He’s not where he can do the quick movements yet.”
— Cubs’ trainer Mark O’Neal on E-ramis’ recovery from his quad injury. He can’t do the quick movements? Sounds like he’s back to normal. (September 17, 2005)

———-

“I said, ‘You want a picture? One dollar, two dollars.”
— Jose Macias, claiming that somebody actually wanted to pose for a picture with him when Cubs’ players walked the concourses before the game asking fans for donations to the Hurricane relief fund. I’m surprised he’d have to pay them that much for a picture. (September 16, 2005)

———-

“They (the Cardinals) are in a position where they’re I don’t know how many games ahead of everybody, and it’s kind of melodramatic for them.”
— Glendon Rusch, who doesn’t know the difference between “melodramatic” and “anticlimactic.” (September 16, 2005)

———-

“He settled down and pitched a great ballgame and started a rally himself that ended up getting us two runs.”
— Dusty Baker on Rusch, who was obviously excited about having Desipio.com’s Andy Dolan and SI.com’s Kelly Dwyer in attendance for his start. (September 16, 2005)

———-

“Hank [Aaron] used to tell us all the time, ‘You may not understand what I say, but retain it because someday you might be able to use it when that light comes on.”
— Dusty Baker on playing with….oh, for Christ’s sake, not this again. (September 13, 2005)

———-

“Every time I think about giving him an off-day, he hits two or three home runs.”
— Dusty Baker on Derrek Lee. Well, then think about giving him off days more often. (September 13, 2005)

———-

“He doesn’t want to embarrass himself.”
— Dusty Baker on whether or not Greg Maddux will come back to pitch in 2006. Well, I guess that settles it. Since the Cubs will still be a bunch of clowns, Greg won’t want to come back. (September 7, 2005)

———-

“My dad, he went nuts.”
Geovany Soto on his father’s reaction to him being called up to the Cubs. We’re sorry, Geovany. Maybe the hospital has a satellite dish? (September 6, 2005)

———-

“I haven’t decided whether I’m going to go, whether I’m not going to go.”
— Corey Patterson on going to play winter ball this year. Maybe the problem is that nobody down there wants him? (September 3, 2005)

———-

“He’s a very good player.”
— Dusty Baker, on Ronny Cedeno. He’s so good, Dusty won’t use him. (September 3, 2005)

———-

“Nomar can hit.”
— Dusty Baker. You just figured that out now? He’s been in the big leagues for a decade. (September 2, 2005)

———-

“We haven’t discussed that, and they’re in the playoffs. Who knows when they’ll finish? It could be the middle of September.”
— Dusty Baker on whether or not the Cubs will recall Adam Greenberg from AA West Tenn. Sounds like West Tenn’s season will be over about the same time the Cubs’ is. (September 1, 2005)

———

“Henry had a great day.”
— Mark Prior, observing that Henry Blanco hit a two-run single and drove in a run with a suicide squeeze in his 6-3 win over the Dodgers. Prior then muttered something about how much Michael Barrett sucks. (August 31, 2005)

———-

“In my mind, Corey is still young.”
— Dusty Baker. In my mind, he’s still terrible. (August 30, 2005)

———-

“He’s an outstanding dude.”
— Dusty Baker confusing Ryne Sandberg with Jeff Lebowski. (August 28, 2005)

———-

“I talked to him last night, and he said this is the first time he’s been in a playoff situation.”
— Dusty Baker on telling Matt Lawton he’d been traded to the Yankees. Didn’t Lawton say the same thing when the Cubs traded for him less than a month ago? (August 27, 2005)

———-

“I think everyone on this team is doing whatever they can and whatever is asked of them.”
— Nomar Garciaparra on volunteering to play third base while E-ramis is out. It’d be nice, if everyone is doing whatever is asked of them, that somebody ask them to win. (August 26, 2005)

———-

“It’s no secret — there are some people who don’t want me here.”
— Dusty Baker on…well, pretty much every fan. (August 25, 2005)

———-

“As it is right now, it’s hard to take Neifi out of there, the way he’s playing.”
— Dusty Baker on why Ronny Cedeno’s not playing shortstop every day. Sure, why bench Neifi. It’s not like he’s hitting .240 in the second half or anything. Actually, it’d be nice if he was hitting that well. (August 24, 2005)

———-

“I’m getting beat by the same pitch.”
— Scott Williamson. Well, then keep throwing it. By all means. (August 23, 2005)

———-

“They’re a pretty good team.”
— Jerome Williams, on the Hawaiian team in the Little League World Series. Jerome said in a best of five, he thought the Cubs could win at least two. (August 23, 2005)

———-

“Now, in my 11th season, I counted it the other day — we’ve had three rookies of the year.”
— Cubs sweatervest loving president, Andy MacPhail. If you’re keeping track, those rookies of the year are Kerry Wood (1998), Eric Hinske (2002) and Dontrelle Willis (2003). It’d be nice if more than one of those guys had won the award while playing for the Cubs. (August 22, 2005)

———-

“I am very content with Jim, and I know he’s very content with Dusty.”
— Cubs sweatervest loving president, Andy MacPhail. I’m glad everybody’s content. Maybe they can all have a big shirtless group hug and rejoice in being under .500. (August 22, 2005)

———-

“With only five extra men, we really couldn’t afford to start him and take him out of the game early again.”
— Dusty Baker on why Nomar Garciaparra sat out a second straight day. Think about this, Nomar didn’t play because Dusty didn’t want him to start and then have to come out, and his reason was that he didn’t want to use a bench player to replace Nomar during the game, so he used a bench player to replace him before the game. Huh? (August 21, 2005)

———-

“I love speed.”
— Dusty Baker, while downing a handful of it. (August 21, 2005)

———-

“I explained to him that, ‘Hey, man, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve done everything right that you ask a young man to do.”
— Dusty Baker on telling Matt Murton he was going to the minors, even though Murton’s the only Cub with a freakin’ clue at the plate not named Derrek or E-ramis. (August 19, 2005)

———-

“He’s actually swinging better than when he left.”
— Dusty Baker on Nomar Garciaparra. Well, Nomar was hitting .151 when he left, it’d be hard for him to be swinging worse. (August 16, 2005)

———-

“Right now, Dempster’s my closer — and it took us three months to find him.”
— Dusty Baker. Why, was he hiding? (August 16, 2005)

———-

“They said he’s been throwing better and still has some command problems.”
— Dusty Baker on Todd Wellemeyer’s return from AAA Iowa. So he’s throwing a lot of balls, just not as many as before? Great? (August 15, 2005)

———-

“Nomar’s a guy who just got back [from the disabled list]. You hate to lose him again on a humbug situation like this.”
— Ebenezer Dusty on Julian Tavarez intentionally nailing Nomar in the back with a pitch. (August 14, 2005)

———-

“It’s better than sitting at home in Arizona recovering from something.”
— Kerry Wood on being in the bullpen. But don’t worry, Kerry, you’ll get to go home soon enough. (August 14, 2005)

———-

“That’d be a tremendous boost if he can get super hot the way we know he can.”
— Dusty Baker, being super supportive of Nomar. (August 13, 2005)

———-

“He’s kind of a victim of his own success by being on base all the time.”
— Dusty Baker on Derrek Lee. Corey ought to be fresh as a f#$%ing daisy, then. (August 12, 2005)

———-

“It’s mentally draining as well as physically draining.”
— Mike Wuertz, describing what it’s like to watch him pitch. (August 12, 2005)

———-

“We used to jack guys up.”
— Dusty Baker. He said “up” right? Good. (August 11, 2005)

———-

“I’m still learning how to drive the baseball. Nothing’s going to change for me today — same approach. I’ll stay in the middle of the field and work counts and get good strikes to hit and get on base to set up the lineup.”
— Matt Murton on how his approach to hitting won’t change if the Cubs continue to let him bat lead off. I’m sure Dusty will put the kibosh on that. (August 11, 2005)

———-

“It may look like they’re not hustling.”
— Dusty Baker. It looks like they’re not, because they’re not. (August 11, 2005)

———-

“It’s not important to either one of us.”
— Jim Hendry, presumably talking about a contract extension for Dusty Baker, but the way this team has played, he might have been talking about winning in general. (August 10, 2005)

———-

“I want to be like Neifi.”
— Nomar Garciaparra. Yeah, well we’re tired of you hitting like him. (August 9, 2005)

———-

“I told him it was ‘jive’ or ‘bull’ or whatever word I used.”
— Dusty Baker. It was probably bull, unless you had the conversation in 1978. (August 9, 2005)

———-

“As far as my future, I’ve got this year and the rest of next year and I plan on doing my job to the best of my ability.”
— Dusty Baker, trying to quiet rumors he’ll leave the Cubs for the soon-to-be vacant Dodgers’ managerial position. Don’t take our hope Dusty! It’s all we have! (August 9, 2005)

———-

“We’ll see how much pain I can tolerate.”
— Jerry Hairston Jr., modeling John McDonough’s newest marketing innovation, Cubs Nipple Clamps. (August 8, 2005)

———-

“We didn’t send him down there to exile him to the Siberian front for the next 2 1/2 months.”
— Dusty Baker, confusing sending Corey Patterson to Iowa with every episode of Hogan’s Heroes. (August 8, 2005)

———-

“He’s been a really good mentor to me.”
— Will Ohman on recently released reliever Mike Remlinger. We noticed, he’s mentored you so well that you can’t get lefties out anymore either. (August 7, 2005)

———-

“Nobody’s ever had a zero ERA.”
— Rich Hill. Uh…Doug Dascenzo did. You can look it up. (August 7, 2005)
http://www.baseball-reference.com/d/dascedo01.shtml

———-

“Now it’s time to maybe think a little bit ahead before the balls are hit — ‘What am I going to do here?”
— Chris Speier, Cubs third base coach. Unfortunately, the answer to “What am I going to do here?” is usually “Get picked off.” (August 7, 2005)

———-

“I’m glad to be back, that’s for sure. I missed these guys. I missed being out there. It’s been a long road.”
— Nomar Garciaparra. I’m sure you missed a room full of guys you hardly know. Kind of like the way Jim Edmonds misses anybody in a San Francisco bathhouse. (August 6, 2005)

———-

“We didn’t think very well at the end.”
— Dusty Baker. Oh, don’t sell yourselves short. You didn’t think well all night. (August 4, 2005)

———-

“I just panicked and threw the ball.”
— Michael Barrett. Next time, panic and throw the ball at a player, not left field. (August 4, 2005)

———-

“I haven’t seen anything like that.”
— Dusty Baker on the Cubs’ losing a game when with two outs in the ninth, Michael Barrett threw a ball into left field to score Jimmy Rollins who was hopelessly caught off third base. Nobody’s seen anything like that. It doesn’t even happen in Little League. (August 4, 2005)

———-

“It’s ridiculous when you look down that clubhouse at all the big-name players that are here. It’s a dream come true. It’s something I’ve been asking for. It’s the first time where I feel like I don’t have to be the guy. I feel like I can go out and do my thing with a good supporting cast.”
— Matt Lawton. First of all, Matt, you are in the supporting cast, secondly, most of the “big name” guys you are so impressed with? They’re all sharing a big tub of icewater in the training room. (August 3, 2005)

———-

“He has a very good on-base percentage.”
— Dusty Baker on new outfielder Matt Lawton. Dusty then admitted he has no idea what on-base percentage is. (August 3, 2005)

———-

“Wow, what can I say?”
— Ryan Dempster, who never shuts up, so apparently he can say, everything. He walked four Phillies in earning a save (no, really) against the Phillies. (August 2, 2005)

———-

“He called me ‘The Crusher,”
— Pirates manager and former Cub Lloyd McClendon, apparently talking about the time he sat on Ryne Sandberg’s Walkman headphones. (August 1, 2005)

———-

“It’s like getting three guys.”
— Dusty Baker on the activation from the DL of Nomar Garciaparra, Kerry Wood and Scott Williamson. You know, Dusty, it’s like getting three guys because…it is getting three guys. (July 31, 2005)

———-

“You’ll have games where you’re out there a long time. Being able to go through that and not get stiff was a good thing for me.”
–Nomar Garciaparra. Mia’s not going to be happy about that. (July 30, 2005)

———-

“One thing you could count on was me at first, Ryno at second, and Shawon at short and about 57 different third basemen.”
— Mark Grace, reflecting on those tremendous Cubs’ teams of the late ’80s and early ’90s. You could also count on Mark leading the league in smoked Winstons and poked fat girls. (July 29, 2005)

———-

“The fans here are super.”
— Greg Maddux, who got his peachy keen 3,000th strikeout in a loss to the Giants. (July 28, 2005)

———-

“When I was 24, I was batting behind Hank Aaron every day.”
— Dusty Baker. Oh, shut the hell up. (July 27, 2005)

———-

“Instead of being happy that we’re scoring runs, they were happy that he was giving them up and booing him. Instead of being in a close game and worrying about us coming back, they were more excited that they got to boo Hawk.

“To me, that was kind of disappointing, and hopefully it doesn’t happen again,”

— Sounds like a win-win to me, Ryan. Don’t worry, it’ll happen again. Right after you get traded and come back to pitch against the Cubs. (July 27, 2005)

———-

“If you’re going to boo, you boo, get it over with and go about your business. That gave me chills a little bit to wonder who’s next on that kind of magnitude of the booing list.”
— Dusty Baker. You don’t really need to wonder, do you, Boo-sty? I mean Dusty? (July 27, 2005)

———-

“This isn’t Spring Training and it isn’t time for experiments.”
— Dusty Baker. Why experiment when you just can just keep doing the same things and go down in flames? (July 26, 2005)

———-

“Absolutely — I don’t care.”
— Kerry Wood. Honestly, Kerry. Neither do we anymore. (July 25, 2005)

———-

“I told him he was going to get a hit. I didn’t tell him he was going to get a grand slam.”
— Henry Blanco, on Neifi Perez’s 10th inning game winning grand slam in St. Louis. He should tell Neifi he’s going to get more hits. (July 24, 2005)

———-

“We knew they were probably going to squeeze with him. We just didn’t know when. We knew they were going to try something like that.”
— Dusty Baker on an 11th inning game winning squeeze by David Eckstein. See, Dusty knew they were going to do it, just not when. So he didn’t pitch out on the first pitch, or on the 0-1 pitch or on the 1-1 pitch. What exactly was he waiting for? Other than another loss, of course. (July 23, 2005)

———-

“You’re talking about two of the best. They’re two of the best, not only hitters, but Albert has made huge strides to become a very good first baseman.”
— Dusty Baker, comparing Albert Pujols and Derrek Lee. Just more of an organized effort by the Cubs to get Pujols an unwarranted Gold Glove at the expense of baseball’s best defensive first baseman. You know…the guy who plays for them. (July 22, 2005)

———-

“He’s going to be an outstanding pitcher. We like him big-time, and he has some guts, and he has some stuff.”
— Dusty Baker on Roberto Novoa. Oh, Novoa’s got “stuff” alright. Most of it, is bad stuff, though.

———

“I just didn’t feel right. Seeing those white things kind of spooked me a little bit. … I just started seeing white things floating around.”
— Greg Maddux, who nearly passed out in the fifth inning of a crippling 9-6 loss to the Reds. Those “white things” that were floating around were mainly his curveball. (July 21, 2005)

——–

“The first inning, I thought he had pretty good stuff. I just thought he needed some time to get loose, get going.”
–Michael Barrett, on Kerry Wood who got loose and then got going back to the DL after three innings. (July 20, 2005)

———-

“It’s just crazy.”
— New Cubs’ outfielder Jody Gerut, most likely asked about why Dusty keeps playing Neifi Perez. (July 19, 2005)

———-

“They want to see me throw at least two games in Iowa, and then make a decision from there. So it could be three or four days after going there, or it could be a week, two weeks, three weeks.”
— Scott Williamson on his rehab from the dreaded Tommy John Disease. Three days or three weeks? What is he, a plumbing contractor? (July 18, 2005)

———-

“Henry’s caught most of his career, Michael hasn’t caught that long. That’s Henry’s strength — game calling, catching and throwing. Michael’s more of an offensive catcher. Michael may need to improve defensively, Henry needs some improvement offensively.”
— Dusty Baker going out on a limb and saying that Henry Blanco’s .171 batting average needs improvement. (July 17, 2005)

———-

“This team has won four in a row since I got here. I don’t know how it was before, but it’s all playoff talk. We had a meeting with Dusty and he said, ‘Let’s make a push, let’s open everyone’s eyes and be that team.”
— Adam Greenberg, taking credit for the Cubs four-game winning streak, of which he’s seen one pitch, had it bounce off his head and been pinch run for by Carlos Zambrano. (July 15, 2005)

———-

I’ll pick the spots for him. You try to bring him along slowly unless he’s like a Miguel Cabrera, but there aren’t many guys like that around.”
— Dusty Baker, realistically setting the bar for how much he plays Matt Murton by basing it one of the best young players in recent Major League history. Nice going, Dustbag. (July 14, 2005)

———-

“I know I could have been playing a lot better than I was. The Cubs did what they had to do. I could not keep going at the pace I was. I wasn’t getting the results.”
— Corey Patterson on his demotion to Iowa. Hey, you weren’t just going at that pace, you were accelerating it. (July 11, 2005)

———-

“When you see it now, you think, ‘Could I have gotten out of the way?’ But it happened so fast. I get in the box, and all of a sudden he throws it, and I’m thinking, ‘Am I swinging?’ And all of a sudden, bam.

“I’ve never been more scared in my life. I thought my head was split open, I really did.”
— Adam Greenberg on catching the first pitch he ever saw in the big leagues off the back of his head. (July 10, 2005)

———-

“They could’ve given me ’99 1/2′ and I wouldn’t care,”
— Adam Greenberg on being given the number 17 last graced by Calvin Murray. (July 8, 2005)

———-

“We couldn’t get to sleep last night, knowing we were going to get an opportunity to come here and play with this great team.”
— Matt Murton on the callup of himself and Adam Greenberg from AA to replace Corey Patterson and Jason Dubois. Hey Matt, try and not make it sound like the two of you were in the same bed, OK? (July 8, 2005)

———-

“I don’t have any intelligent answers.”
— Todd Walker. Well, just give us some dumb ones, then. It’s what your boss does. (July 7, 2005)

———-

“I’ve played well. I can do it again.”
— Corey Patterson, showing off how much better his memory is than ours. (July 7, 2005)

———-

“Obviously, we’re not going well and we’re not here to point fingers at these guys, especially Corey.”
— Jim Hendry on Corey Patterson’s trip to summer camp in Des Moines. Hendry was pointing out blame with his elbow instead of any of his fingers. (July 7, 2005)

———-

“We don’t need that injury,”
— Todd Walker on Derrek Lee. No, what you need is that injury, only to Corey Patterson. (July 6, 2005)

———-

“They don’t usually have that problem anyway. It’s four inches lower, so it’s not a big deal.”
— Todd Walker on…Lord who knows? (July 6, 2005)

———-

“Most of them are pretty short, either Walker or Macias.”
— Dusty Baker on his team of dwarves. (July 6, 2005)

———-

“I like first base. It’s fun to change spots every now and then.”
— Todd Walker on how easily amused he can be. (July 6, 2005)

———-

“I’m hopeful we can hang in there for a couple weeks.”
— Jim Hendry. Oooh, dare to dream of two more weeks of contention in early July. (July 5, 2005)

———-

“Monday, he’ll be in Atlanta; he’ll see his mom and dad and some friendly voices and friendly faces.”
— Dusty Baker on Corey Patterson being benched Sunday and Monday. Hopefully those friendly voices will ask him why he swings at shit over his head. (July 4, 2005)

———-

“It shows the fans are paying attention. They took notice that I had a good first half, and they supported me. It feels great.”
–Derrek Lee. Commenting on being voted in as the starter at first base in the All-Star Game, and proving that not all fans talk on the cell phone and stand in the bleachers with their backs to the game. (July 3, 2005)

———-

“I’ve come faster than I expected.”
–Nomar Garciaparra. I’m sure Mia’s disappointed. (July 2, 2005)

———-

“Ground balls, I’m doing that in a controlled atmosphere and not going crazy or exploding.”
–Nomar Garciaparra. You mean you’re groin’s not exploding? I hope not. (July 2, 2005)

———-

“Shawon Dunston used to talk about how well Tony Gwynn slept every night.”
–Dusty Baker. Shawon wasn’t sleeping next to Tony, was he? (July 1, 2005)

———-

“Albert’s having a great year. ‘D-Lee’s’ on my team and the fact that he’s hitting .390 with the same or a little better home run and RBI production, I have to punch ‘D-Lee.'”
–Dusty Baker. I hope he punches you right back in your toothpick. (June 29, 2005)

———-

“Glendon’s going to do what he’s done for years,”
–Dusty Baker. Oh, that’s too bad. I liked it better when he got guys out. (June 28, 2005)

———-

“Everybody’s not Juan Pierre or Scott Podsednik.”
— Dusty Baker. Really? I thought we were all one or the other. (June 26, 2005)

———-

“All you have to do is get on base. Derrek isn’t hitting singles, he’s hitting homers, he’s hitting doubles. He’s doing everything. If you can just get on base in front of those guys, you have a chance.”
— Todd Walker. Shhh! When you say simple things like this that are true, you make your dumbass manager look even dumber than normal. (June 25, 2005)

———

“I think you have to have a perfect season to hit .400.”
— Derrek Lee. Since when is 40 percent of anything perfect? (June 24, 2005)

———-

“We have some guys here that can play.”
— Dusty Baker. Some? (June 23, 2005)

———-

“When [Patterson] called me over, I didn’t know what he was going to tell me. It sounds like good news to my ear.”
— Dusty Baker, on Corey Patterson’s request to bat lead off again. If it sounds good to Dusty’s ear, Dusty should go Van Gogh on that bad boy. (June 22, 2005)

———-

“I cut out a lot of carbs. Coming from Hawaii, I love rice and I cut that out. It’s just being smart. I’m 23, and I never thought that my metabolism would go away from me and it did. You’ve got to really think about your health.”
— Jerome Williams. I’m sure it was the rice, that’s why you see all those obese Chinese. (June 20, 2005)

———-

“I saw Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Lou Gehrig, Mickey Mantle — all those guys [in Yankee Stadium’s Monument Park]. Two past popes are there. You see them and everything else is kind of small.”
— Rich Hill. Wait, you mean the Yankees have Popes buried behind center field? (June 19, 2005)

———-

“I watched more Japanese baseball than American baseball growing up,”
— Derrek Lee. The thing about Japanese baseball is that 30 minutes after the game, you want to watch another one. Is this thing on? Hello! (June 16, 2005)

———-

“I did a lot of work this offseason mentally, working on things such as positive attitude and building little phrases. ‘Act as if.’ Act as if you’re a big leaguer. The way you carry yourself and the way you handle yourself — it changed the way I approached the game coming into this Spring Training.”
— Rich Hill. How about you ‘Act as if’ you can get a righthanded batter out? (June 15, 2005)

———-

“By the time we get to Milwaukee, then we might have another plan,”
— Dusty Baker. If the plan involves scoring more runs than you give up…that’s aces! (June 15, 2005)

———-

“We’re dealing with something that’s entirely not related to throwing, but it’s in my right arm so it is dealing with throwing.”
— Mark Prior, clearing up…something. (June 14, 2005)

———-

“I’m making my pitches for the most part. Things aren’t falling my way.”
— Joe Borowski. No, things are falling on Waveland. Baseballs. (June 14, 2005)

———-

“We were looking for something good, something strong.”
— Jose Macias on the bench’s new nickname, “Los Matadores.” Something good and strong? You mean, unlike you guys? (June 13, 2005)

———-

“I thought it was worse, but I feel much better today.”
— Carlos Zambrano, on his sore toe. Then why did he think it was worse? (June 12, 2005)

———-

“I like to hit in this weather.”
— Dusty Baker, again, forgetting he’s not on the roster. (June 11, 2005)

———-

“I got it — and it fits.”
— Nomar, on his new jock strap. (June 11, 2005)

———-

“I’m trying to find a spot for Corey.”
— Dusty Baker, while moving some stuff off the bench. (June 10, 2005)

———-

“The problem we’ve had is the injuries. It’s been absolutely ridiculous.”
— Todd Walker. He’s right you know. (June 10, 2005)

———-

“If I play without this, I feel like I’m naked.”
— Neifi Perez. Pointing at his pants. (June 5, 2005)

———-

“I also think they’re looking at the box score and seeing the shortstop for the Cubs doing so well and think it’s me, and I realize how great Neifi’s doing Hopefully, we’ll have a Cubs shortstop at the All-Star Game. There should be a Cubs shortstop there, and it’s the guy who’s playing there right now. He’s been unbelievable. He definitely deserves it.”
— Nomar Garciaparra giving Neifi the all-important endorsement to take his place at the All-Star Game. (June 4, 2005)

———-

“I told you I’d been on the Internet watching the games, so I get to vote for myself all the time, so that’s how it happened,”
— Nomar Garciaparra revealing the secret of how he’s leading the NL shortstop All-Star voting. (June 4, 2005)

———-

“He’s kind of tough to watch right now.”
— Dusty Baker on Corey Patterson. (June 3, 2005)

———-

“His attention comes and goes, and it’s time for him to figure it out himself. You can only do so much.”
— Gene Clines washing his hands of Corey Patterson. (June 2, 2005)

———-

“They’re milking that arm more than they milk Elsie the cow.”
— Mark Prior on Lord knows what. (June 1, 2005)

———-

“It was rather swollen after the game.”
— Dusty Baker talking about another happy Cubs’ clubhouse. Eww (June 1, 2005)

———-

“You need some guys, some carriers on your team and some helpers on your team.”
–Dusty Baker. I’m sure you had some “carriers” on your teams in San Francisco. (May 31, 2005)

———-

“We’ve got to keep him away from the fast food.”
–-Dusty Baker on portly Cubs hurler Jerome Williams. So what, Jimmy Anderson wasn’t too fat to pitch, but Jerome is? (May 31, 2005)

———-

“Since we won our last three games there, let’s leave it alone.”
— Todd Wellemeyer, backpedalling like Al Gore about his desire to have the Van Halen classic “Jump” dumped from the Cubs’ entrance onto the field at the top of the first. (May 31, 2005)

———-

“I’m slowly getting there.”
— Kerry Wood. If only Kerry knew where there was. (May 30, 2005)

———-

“It’s better, probably, for him because much like Alfonseca, Rick Aguilera, Mel Rojas, I saw those guys here — it’s tough when you’re exposed and have to hear the stuff.”
— Dusty Baker on LaTroy Hawkins being traded to the Giants. Gee, what do El Pulpo, Rick and Mel have in common? Oh, they all sucked. (May 30, 2005)

———-

“It’s part of the game. Everybody knows the risks of going out there and playing. The game’s supposed to be fun, but there are some inherent risks that go with it. I’ll be back. I’ve been hit before. It’s no big deal.”
— Mark Prior, talking about getting smoked by a line drive. His “no big deal” was in a sling. (May 29, 2005)

———-

“That’s why all the time before I go to pitch, I go to one knee and pray to God to save me. I don’t pray to win the game, but to save me.”
–Carlos Zambrano, talking about Mark Prior being hit in the elbow with a line drive. Carlos should pray to God to give Ryan Dempster the strength to save, too. (May 28, 2005)

———-

“I have a category every day with the bullpen called ‘NTP’ — needs to pitch.”
–Dusty Baker. I thought NTP stood for No Talent Pinhead? Maybe it still does. (May 26, 2005)

———-

“I just know where I feel comfortable, and I’m going to tell the truth and go from there.”
–Corey Patterson, who says he’d rather bat sixth than first. I know where he looks most comfortable. Swinging at pitches over his head and walking back to the dugout. (May 26, 2005)

———-

“One of the recliners got me. The handles on those things are wood. I turned quick and didn’t know the other chair was right there. I could pitch with it, but we’ll take time now to give it a week.”
–Mike Remlinger, on the DL with a swollen finger he claims he hurt when it was stuck between two chairs. More likely Dusty broke his hand to clear a spot on the team for Todd Walker. (May 25, 2005)

———-

“I went over and shook his hand and squeezed that finger pretty hard and got an ‘ouch’.”
Dusty Baker. See? (May 25, 2005)

———-

“He’s not going to get the strokes while sitting.”
–Dusty Baker, apparently suggesting a masturbation technique for Todd Walker (May 25, 2005)

———-

“In four games, I had eight hits so the last four days have been good. That’s when I started counting anyway, is when I got my first hit. The 0-for-20 doesn’t count.”
—Todd Walker, explaining how he calculated his injury rehab batting average at Iowa. Funny, the scorebooks say the 0–20 does count.

———-

“It is what it is. It’s part of the game now. I haven’t thrown that many pitches a whole lot. This year I’m averaging 100, 101, 102. Every once in a while you have to go out there and get it done. I thought I felt pretty strong, I finished off pretty strong. There’s nothing else I can say.”
— Mark Prior, trying to calm the pansies who think he threw too many pitches in his 4-3 complete game win over the White Sox. (May 22, 2005)

———-

“The thing I’ve seen about people on the computer and the Internet is that it’s addicting. We told him not to get on it, and you turn around and he’s on the computer.”
— Dusty Baker, coming clean about Darren’s addiction to Desipio.com. Don’t fight it Dusty. (May 21, 2005)

———-

“I’ll be in control. I spent four hours. Now, I’ll have to spend one hour and take it easy.”
— Carlos Zambrano, on cutting down on the number of hours he spends on the Desipio Message Board. (May 21, 2005)

———-

“I asked Enrique Wilson [if he could catch] and his eyes got real big.”
— Dusty Baker, proving that Enrique is really trying to help the Cubs however possible. (May 20, 2005)

———-

“You can’t really keep somebody in the area to call up. I guess Macias is our emergency catcher and you could say he’s in the area.”
— Dusty Baker on calling up an “emergency catcher.” It’d be nice if you could say that Macias isn’t in the area. (May 19, 2005)

———-

“Like a feather.”
— Carlos Zambrano, when asked how his arm feels. (May 18, 2005)

———-

“We got Enrique Wilson.”
— Dusty Baker, trying to decide whether to laugh or cry. My advice? Cry. (May 17, 2005)

———-

“I’m a horse. They’d have to kill me. I don’t want to miss any starts. I will not miss any starts. I have to have my arm explode. I can’t miss any starts. That would happen if I feel pain or I have surgery on my arm. I don’t want to do that — unless God wants.”
— Carlos Zambrano, being typically insane. (May 16, 2005)

———-

“I’m hitting .250-something. It’s not like I’m hitting .150.”
— Jerry Hairston. Hey, not everybody can be Nomar. (May 15, 2005)

———-

“It’s the only sauce we use.”
— Jason Dubois, on the barbecue sauce his uncle makes that he gave to Dusty. Cubs fans use all kinds of sauce, everything from Old Style to Old Granddad. (May 15, 2005)

———-

“It’s a daily dose to figure out if it is still attached.”
— Will Ohman. Love the Daily Dose shout out. Don’t want to know what he’s checking to see is still attached though. (May 14, 2005)

———-

“You’re going to have St. Louis playing the Royals or somebody will be playing Tampa, so things are a little out of balance.”
–Mark Prior, on why Interleague play sucks. (May 14, 2005)

———-

“It hit me right in the fleshy part of my forearm.”
— Ryan Dempster. Should your forearm be fleshy? (May 13, 2005)

———-

“I’m getting old, man.”
— E-ramis Ramirez. Great, maybe he has Albert Pujols Syndrome. (May 13, 2005)

———-

“Dempster said his wife wouldn’t kiss him with the short hair.”
— Cubs.com “writer” Carrie Muskat. I think that should be “on the short hair,” Carrie. (May 9, 2005)

———-

“It seems like I don’t do too much right.”
— Dusty Baker. Well, at least you admit it. (May 8, 2005)

———-

“As far as the team goes, it’s the same thing we did the last 10 games of the season last year.”
— Michael Barrett. Yeah, lose. (May 6, 2005)

———-

“I’m not sitting here regretting anything.”
–Todd Hollandsworth. How about regretting your .221 batting average? That’d be a start. (May 6, 2005)

———-

“Will he ever [win] a Gold Glove? Probably not.”
— Dusty Baker on Jason Dubois’ defense. It looks like Jason already has one. And is wearing it. (May 5, 2005)

———-

“I’ve got a very young bullpen.”
— Dusty Baker. If by “young” you mean “bad” then, sure. (May 5, 2005)

———-

“They’re actually proud of me.”
— Corey Patterson on his parents. They must not have seen your on base average. (May 5, 2005)

———-

“I’ve had a drink, yeah.”
— Mark Prior. Have some more. You’re the oldest 24 year old in the universe. (May 4, 2005)

———-

“I’m not dumb.”
— Mark Prior. Well, you went to USC. (May 4, 2005)

———-

“We’re kind of upside down on things right now.”
— Dusty Baker. OK, here’s your key. This is your ass. This is a hole in the ground. Let’s go over that again. This is your ass… (May 2, 2005)

———-

“It’s not getting any worse, and it’s not getting any better.”
— Trainer Mark O’Neal on Kerry Wood’s shoulder. Or he might just be talking about the Cubs. (May 1, 2005)

———-

“I thought I was close to turning the corner. I felt great warming up, felt great the first two innings.”
— Kerry Wood, on the return of his shoulder tendonitis. He may have felt great, but he looked like he was throwing Astros’ batting practice. (May 1, 2005)

———-

“I was trying to win. I haven’t won a game all month.”
— Greg Maddux. Actually, you hadn’t had a win all year. But who was counting? (April 30, 2005)

———-

“To have a third Tommy John surgery, I think you start affecting quality of life down the road for me. I’ve got kids. I want to be able to see their kids.”
— Chad Fox. Who knew that Tommy John Disease was fatal? (April 29, 2005)

———-

“If Aramis was as hot as Lee, I’d have Aramis fourth and Lee fifth. It’s subject to change over the course of the year.”
— Dusty Baker. Well, gee, Dusty. How about Lee third and E-ramis fourth? Or do we need to watch Corey strike out three times a night just for kicks? (April 29, 2005)

———-

“I don’t know.”
— Dusty Baker. Well, it’s about time you admitted it. (April 27, 2005)

———-

“Most lefties can get lefties and righties out better than most righties can get righties and lefties out.”
— Dusty Baker. Not the Cubs’ lefties. (April 27, 2005)

———-

“I’m going to have surgery — and I’m not going to have surgery.”
— Nomar Garciaparra. Huh? (April 26, 2005)

———-

“If I could strap on a two-by-four on the inside of my leg, I’d be playing.”
–Todd Walker. Yeah, and you’d still have no range. (April 26, 2005)

———-

“To be standing here after winning today, it’s an unbelievable feeling. A year ago, almost to the date, I was on a plane to see Dr. Andrews, thinking that I was done. I try not to expect too much. I just go out there and try to get my job done.”
— Chad Fox. Hey, you never know what tomorrow might bring. (April 25, 2005)

———

“Somebody joked that you can ask 100 doctors, and 50 will say you should have surgery, and 50 will say no, and they’re all right.”
— Nomar Garciaparra. Sounds like Nomar needs funnier friends. (April 24, 2005)

———-

“You say ‘bullpen by committee’ and that sounds like everybody, and it’s not everybody.”
— Dusty Baker. No, it sounds like it’d be everybody on the committee, not everybody. We don’t expect Benny Cadahia to get any innings, do we? (April 24, 2005)

———-

“When the bases are loaded, one or two outs, or something like that — I like that.”
— Michael Wuertz. We know, we’ve seen you pitch. And usually you’re the one loading the bases. (April 24, 2005)

———-

“On the bench in the National League, you learn to start getting ready in the fourth or fifth inning because you never know when you’re going to get in there.”
— Ben Grieve. Hey, Ben, if you don’t know when you’re going to get in there shouldn’t you be getting ready in the first inning? (April 23, 2005)

———-

“It makes me chuckle.”
— Nomar Garciaparra on why he reads Desipio.com every day. (April 22, 2005)

———-

“I’ve never lost two middle infielders in April before.”
— Dusty Baker, though he did admit that he once lost Robby Thompson in a supermarket. (April 21, 2005)

———-

“I have an avulsion of the tendon. Basically, I ruptured the tendon off the bone.”
— Nomar Garciaparra, who basically just ruined all of our lunches. (April 21, 2005)

———-

“We’ve only played less than a month and lost a second baseman and a shortstop.”
— Dusty Baker. Looks like E-ramis and Derrek ought to take cover. (April 21, 2005)

———-

“I know Nomar is the shortstop on the team. I can’t replace him.”
— Nomar’s replacement…or whatever…Neifi Perez. (April 21, 2005)

———-

“I made eye contact with the manager and said he can’t go anymore.”
— Neifi Perez, who not only doesn’t refer to Dusty by name, but is apparently making pitching changes now. (April 21, 2005)

———-

“I told him to eat and drink a lot of water.”
— Dusty Baker, on the advice he gave Nomar. If you can eat the water, it’s too think to ingest. (April 19, 2005)

———-

“I think we’re comparable. I don’t think it’s fair to compare us.”
— Corey Patterson on the comparisons between him and his brother Eric. Huh? (April 19, 2005)

———-

“I think he talked himself into having a good April before he got here.”
— Dusty Baker on Derrek Lee’s hot start. So what did Nomar talk himself into? (April 18, 2005)

———-

“I’m not a good hitter. We needed to try to score.”
— Greg Maddux on being pinch hit for in the seventh. Well, Greggie, you did single in the fifth, only to be thrown out at second base by 72 feet when you couldn’t be troubled to break into a trot. (April 18, 2005)

———-

“I rode the bike [Saturday] and was able to do a full rotation.”
— Todd Walker on his rehab. Wow, you did a “full rotation!” Kind of hard to..you know..ride a bike if you can’t pedal it. (April 18, 2005)

———-

“When you get older, you learn how to hit.”
— Neifi Perez. Man, he’ll be tough in 2017, then. (April 18, 2005)

——–

“I try not to base my success on how I do in the game.”
— Corey Patterson, who apparently takes a more Mark Grace approach. Any day’s a success when you fall asleep on top of a heap of naked bar skanks. (April 14, 2005)

———-

“I’m not to where I would like to be.”
— Mark Prior. Nope Mark, you’re still a Cub. (April 14, 2005)

———-

“Everybody wants to play, but you can only play nine at a time.”
— Dusty Baker, proving he knows at least one baseball rule. (April 14, 2005)

———-

“It’s huge.”
— Derrek Lee talking about…do we really want to know? (April 13, 2005)

———-

“He settled down after that first inning, I’m sure he’ll be better the next time out.”
— Dusty Baker, amazingly able to suppress the urge to add, “He couldn’t be any worse, could he?” (April 13, 2005)

———-

“They’re going to be missionaries in Kashmir, Indiana. Wait, no, that’s India.”
— Len Kasper obviously feeling that the people in Indiana would benefit from some Peace Corps work. (April 13, 2005)

———-

“I think sometimes Carlos tends to get a little bored and make up stuff while he’s out there. Henry kept his train of thought and focus straight.”
— Dusty Baker on Henry Blanco’s ability to wrangle Carlos Zambrano’s ‘imaginary friends.’ (April 10, 2005)

———-

“That’s when I had my first blowout with Tommy John.”
— Chad Fox, who either partied really hard with, or was in a tire-related car accident with, Tommy John. (April 10, 2005)

———-

“I have to drink more water.”
— Carlos Zambrano (April 9, 2005)

———-

“One thing I’ve figured out is I’ve never seen the speed of photosynthesis that can happen there.”
— Cubs manager and botanist Dusty Baker on…Wrigley Field? (April 6, 2005)

———-

“It’s a tribute to him and how he’s worked to get to this point and a tribute to modern medicine. Back in our day, an injury like that and your career is done.”
— Dusty Baker on Ryan Dempster’s first start since his contraction of Tommy John Disease. Dempster gave up seven runs in three innings. Maybe his career is done anyway? (April 6, 2005)

———-

“‘Z’s’ been cool the whole year.”
— Dusty Baker…uh…wasn’t it Opening Day? (April 4, 2005)

———-

“You’re not going to go out there and score this many runs every day.”
— Dusty Baker, after the Cubs beat Arizona 16-6 on opening day. Really, the Cubs won’t score 16 every day? (April 4, 2005)

———-

“I just told [umpire Dale Scott] that he needed glasses and he tossed me out,” Zambrano said. “I just told him that. I didn’t say a bad word to him. I just told him that he needed glasses.”
— Cubs ophthalmologist Carlos Zambrano (April 4, 2005)

———-

“I want to be a Cub for the rest of my life. That’s why I signed with this team. I want to be here and I think I will.”
— E-ramis Ramirez. The only places he’s played are here and Pissburgh, can you blame him? (April 4, 2005)

———-

“Write me letters. Teach me how to pitch.”
–Kerry Wood, finally accepting the need for help. (March 30, 2005)

———-

“No, not really.”
— Cliff Bartosh, new Cubs reliever when asked if he thinks he’ll get anybody out in 2005. (March 30, 2005)

———-

“It’s a good feeling to be almost whole. We weren’t almost whole until August last year.”
— Dusty Baker. Yeah, and that worked out so well, didn’t it? (March 30, 2005)

———-

“He certainly played well enough to be on the team.”
— Dusty Baker on Calvin Murray. Calvin Murray! Thankfully, Calvin was sent to Iowa, anyway. (March 30, 2005)

———-

“I don’t think it’s the last time we’ll see Will Ohman.”
— Jim Hendry. Enough with the threats! (March 30, 2005)

———-

“I’m confused.”
–Will Ohman…about…everything. (March 27, 2005)

———-

“I think I’m about 4-0 in simulated starts the last two, three years.”
—Mark Prior, boasting about how good he is at make-believe baseball. (March 27, 2005)

———-

“We’re still learning about him.”
— Dusty Baker, about Ryan Dempster’s 11.19 spring ERA. What we’re learning, is bad. (March 27, 2005)

———-

“He likes it here and he likes the guys here.”
— Dusty Baker on Stephen Randolph and how much Steve likes Mesa. Hey, maybe he should just stay there, then? (March 26, 2005)

———-

“It’s hard to gauge what 50 percent is.”
— Scott Williamson Uh, it’s HALF. (March 26, 2005)

———-

“He felt pretty good.”
–Dusty Baker, apparently taking a more “hands on” role with Mark Prior. (March 20, 2005)

———-

‘Manufacture runs’ sounds like you go to General Motors and start down the assembly line.”
—Dusty Baker. (March 20, 2005) We’d settle for Yugo at this point.

———-

“It’s St. Patrick’s Day. Erin Go Bragh, bro. I have to go pick up my corned beef and cabbage.”
—Dusty O’Baker, trying even harder than usual to be insulting and condescending. (March 17, 2005)

———-

“He doesn’t know how good he can be.”
–Ron Santo, assuming that E-ramis is as dumb as he is. (March 17, 2005)

———-

“There are guys shut down all over the league who get shut down with stiffness and inflammation. I’m not alarmed or panicked. Last year I was a little nervous about it because we didn’t have a clear idea of what it was.”
— Mark Prior on his sore elbow, trying to make us all feel better by reminding us how minor his injuries were last year when he missed half a season. (March 14, 2005)

———-

“I think Woody threw the ball really great today.”
— Dr. Ryan Dempster, apparently encouraged by Kerry Wood playing catch with bullpen catcher Benny Cadahia. (March 14, 2005)

———-

“I want to stay healthy.”
— Chad Fox (March 14, 2005)

———-

“It was definitely more stiff that morning, more so than what he’s accustomed to.”
–– Cubs trainer Mark O’Neal commenting on Mark Prior’s morning wood? Oh, no, his elbow. Well that’s better. Or something. (March 14, 2005)

———-

“Inflammation means something’s swollen. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong. I have inflammation on my knee all the time. You guys wake up with inflammation sometimes and you don’t even know where it came from.”
— Dusty Baker claiming that an inflamed knee isn’t “wrong”, and also talking about morning wood. (March 12, 2005)

———-

“I really don’t pay attention if they score runs or they don’t.”
— Carlos Zambrano on his approach to pitching. (March 13, 2005)

———-

“Back in the old days, everything was bursitis.”
— Dusty Baker on…God knows what. (March 12, 2005)

———-

“I felt a lot more comfortable. My pitches had a lot more on them.”
— Joe Borowski, on his second spring training appearance in which he struck out two and gave up a solo homer, that had a lot more on it…like parking lot. (March 10, 2005)

———-

“I wasn’t worried. I am relieved.”
— Dusty Baker, on Kerry Wood’s weekly (seems like it anyway) visit to the orthopedist. If Dusty wasn’t worried, what’s he relieved about? (March 10, 2005)

———-

“It’s not going to be about Len. It’s never going to be about Len. The game is the story, and Len will tell it.”
— John McDonough on the difference between Len Kasper and Chip Caray. Because it was all about Chip, it was always going to be all about Chip, the game was the story but Chip couldn’t tell it with a trunk full of puppets and a spotlight. (March 10, 2005)

———-

“He’s Jeromy Burnitz. He kills me.”
— Dusty Baker, predicting that Burnitz’s play will drive him to an early grave. (March 9, 2005)

———-

“I’m not trying to be anybody.”
— Jeromy Burnitz. He’s succeeding. He’s a nobody. (March 9, 2005)

———-

“Everything felt great, fine. I came in and sat down, and everything felt great. It was just a little bit of tightness.”
— Kerry Wood, explaining that apparently shoulder tightness “feels great.” (March 9, 2005)

———-

“What I’m trying to work on right now is breaking bad habits I got into last year.”
— Mike Remlinger, apparently announcing plans to actually get somebody out in 2005. (March 8, 2005)

———-

“How many sac bunts did Billy Williams have? Or Ernie [Banks]? Or [Ron] Santo? I talked to [Santo] and he said he never bunted. It depends on the person.”
— Dusty Baker, apparently drawing the conclusion that if you don’t learn to bunt, God will take your legs. (March 8, 2005)

———-

“He looked sharp and I’m hoping he can make the team. If not, he’ll have a chance later in the year. He’s still young.”
— Carlos Zambrano talking about Angel Guzman. Carlos is right, Angel is young. He’s a whopping six months and 13 days younger than Carlos.

———-

“As soon as I got out there, I felt the butterflies going. I kind of [f@#$ed up]. I said, ‘Just throw a strike.’ So, of course what I started doing was aiming the ball. In my entire career, that’s always killed me.

“After I walked him, I yelled at myself and said, ‘Throw the darn ball.’ and after that I was fine. I put the ball where I wanted to and everything was great. I think I was getting that little bit of anxious, nervous energy out of the way and had to prove to myself that you’re not going to break apart and fall apart on the mound out here.”
— Joe Borowski after pitching his first inning of the spring and trying to explain that his wet pants were as a result of him sweating, not pissing himself. (March 7, 2005)

———-

“Ryan Dempster’s not the manager.”
— Dusty Baker, March 7, 2005, right after he took a quick look at his business cards.

“He’s a good catcher. He caught good today and caught good last year. He’s a good player, good teammate, he’s in your corner, sets up right. I don’t think a pitcher could ask for anything more than that.”
— Greg Maddux, March 7, 2005 on Michael Barrett. He followed it up with, “Yeah, he’s great. Just as long as he’s not catching me, of course.”

———-

“I resent the inference that I’m not prepared. I live my life every minute every day to prepare for combat.”
–– Sammy Sosa, Oct. 3, 2004, allegedly via cellphone to his personal “fluffer” Mike Kiley of the Sun-Times, after being called out for not showing up the Cubs’ finale.