Leading off and playing left field, Carlos Zambrano!
Pitching matchup:
Pissburgh: Ian Snell, 2-0, 3.93 ERA
Cubs: Rich Hill 0-0, 5.00 ERA
Since the Gamecast is going up early, be sure to occupy some of your time with Marty Brennaman, man of the people.
I can’t believe I’m leading off… Lou must be trying to maximize my suck potential
Dude, everyone knows that your center fielder leads off and your second base man bats second. However since he is a Patterson there is a certain logic to it.
Pissburgh
McLouth, cf
White Shoes Rivas, ss
Freddie Sanchez, 3b
Jason Bay, lf
X Nady, rf
One of the LaRoches, 1b
Ronny Paulino, c
Jose Bautista, 3b
Ian Snell, p
Cubs
The Snooze Button, 2b
Dance Fever, ss
MVLee, 1b
E-ramis, 3b
Fukkake!, rf
PonDeRosa, lf
Geo Soto, c
Vag Chin, cf
Dick Mountain, p
Is anyone warming up yet?
Hello again.
Looks like the Pirates are doing the exact same thing they did to Dick last week – not swinging.
Nice slide by McLouth.
Holy shit, I didn’t give up a run!
Corey taught me everything he knows about leading off before he left town so I should be OK.
Guys who swing at head high fastballs really turn me on!
I have no doubt that Rich’s early struggles are a result of him changing his motion with runners on base to try to cut down on the stolen bases. He’s always caught up in his own head and I think it screwed him up even out of the windup. It’s not an excuse, because he’s a professional baseball player and ought to be able to make an adjustment, but I think it’s true nonetheless.
Gotta lead the Pattersons off. It’s a rule.
Striking out on a shit pitch. It must run in the family.
I call that “The Corey.”
Fuck, I can do that.
Gail, there’s something wrong with this bat. Got some pine tar?
Corey and Eric’s dad is a Cardinals fan. He’s sabotaging the NL Central race through his sperm donations!
Eric told me he gave Gail The Knob last night. I didn’t ask which end he started at.
If you dudes aren’t happy with Eric, send him over here. Corey will lead off with Eric batting second.
I dig grit.
Hey assholes! Funny how when I play well you don’t mention me.
So Mike Quade didn’t ask Hank why he was bunting since the bunt was on because it was Hank.
I meant since the bunt wasn’t on.
If that mongoloid retires, do I still get my money?
I’m not the Horry Cow t-shirt guy. However, I did have a plan to hand out Choi Toi t-shirts to women before Cubs’ games in 2003 before that rice eater brained himself on the infield.
Hey 25, Oriental is the preferred nomenclature.
I meant to strike out on a bunt attempt. I’m setting the Reds up for some secret stuff in July. I’m crafty that way.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I will die of syphilis of the anus, alone.
Please, someone beat me to death with my own sign.
Horry Kow, I made the rast out.
Can a racist T-shirt mend an Oriental’s eyes closed?
Suck it, losers! Hah! No score after one.
You lose because you are the Cubs!
Hee hee!
That’s Franchester to you.
Tell ’em Dad! See you guys at the Kit Kat Club after the game.
Oh Franchester….
This is why I love watching the Cubbies lose. Because you’re all punks. Unlike me. I’m erudite and loquacious.
I think I’m going to wet my pants.
I went 0-for-Thursday and 0-for-Friday and I only played in one game last night.
I can’t believe I sent to Iowa instead of this fuckstick.
Rich, be on me.
Um, Rich I’m over here.
I just threw up in my pants.
I gave up a hit on a ball Theriot should have had, then a single. That’s right, send me to iowa
Wheeeeeee!!!!!!
maybe if i hang the breaking ball, i won’t walk the guy.
You tell them, Rich. They’re just being obnoxious.
I’m gonna interview the hell out of Marissa Miller
Maybe Rich needs an HJ.
maybe if i hang the breaking ball, i won’t walk as many!
Hey 48, maybe if you keep saying that joke, we’ll eventually laugh
Anybody want to borrow my iPod?
http://images.appleinsider.com/07_mmiller_27.jpg
Model of efficiency.
Speechless.
Not if I interview the hell out of her first Len.
Chicks dig me because I look like a hetrosexual Geraldo Rivera
Maybe Marissa would like to take a gander at my Knob.
Wasting leadoff doubles since 1908
I love the muffPod…
I’ll get that run back. Or not. It’s OK because Corey I mean Eric is leading off the next inning.
My take on the Brennamens
“FUCK ‘EM!”
I have better command of the strike zone than Rich.
I’d donkey punch that!
I am taking a page out of the Dusty Baker playbook. A Patterson must lead off a game.
I am useless!! And why are you guys sweating over Marrissa? Girls are yucky!!!
If I was still here and hitting ninth we’d be tied bitches.
So at 30, I’ve married and divorced a douche and now I’m married to another douche. Why?
Nice catch by me. I should also be leading off because my at-bats are getting wasted in the 8th spot.
If you need me to leave 8 runners on base again today, I’m ready and possibly a little bit high
Hey Len, wanna watch me do lines of coke off of Misty May’s ass?
I like Johnsons
It’s a proven fact. Chicks dig assholes!! Just ask any who-rah
I should probably remove my e-mail address from my character comments
Korey taught me to swing at everything.
Excuse me, I need to lock down the can.
I mean everything. Over my head. In the dirt. Just swing baby.
Plate discipline is for pussies.
Oooohhh Eric, you’re getting me so hot.
It’s a good thing the Cubs have a lead off hitter who gets on base.
Why the fuck did we call this kid up again?
I like this not sucking version of Theriot.
That was a gritty triple.
My base running is based on what the fans are yellng.
Are you going to waste me?
Yes, you will.
but of course.
We’re the Cubs! Of course we are!
C’mon guys. I’ve only given up 1 run in 3 innings. How about some run support? Like about 15 runs.
You can say that again 84.
You guys! I need some run support here! Geeeeez!
May the Cubs perish in ground-out free hell without me! BWAHAHAHHA
Lou, did you lose a bet? Put me in the game. At least I have a chance of getting on base.
Fontenot and Theriot is us!
Does anyone remember the “Hootin’ and Hollerin'” remark I made on the air late last year during a Reds-Cubs game? You know the one where the Cubs came back to tie the game and could have scored the go-ahead run but Jock Jones was too much of a pussy to run the catcher over at the plate and then we won the game in the bottom of the 9th? That was awesome!
And yes I’m a collosal douche.
I’ve gotten through 4 innings and have given up only 1 run. A lot better than psycho’s start yesterday.
I better fucking score you assholes.
For God’s sake bring me home.
We can’t wait to refer to Bartman when we mention that triple!
Too insensitive?
It’s Horry Kow.
Geovany does not.
I’m averaging an RBI per game according to Pat.
There’s your lead.
Start the party, I’m here.
I won’t strike out this time guys. I’ll hit into a double play.
Not so fast 101. Here I come.
Did I not bunt?
Okay guys, good start.
Pssst
I need a few more
I’m too fast to hit into a DP, right?
I’ll show you why I won that NSBB award.
Did somebody say DP?
Damn, that was close.
RBI doges!
I’m goin’ bitches.
Hey 106 and 109, that’s copyright infringement man.
We get a gift wrapped double play and can’t turn it.
E-Patt splooge!!!!!
Shut the fuck up you fucking weenie
I’m pretty fast, so I got that going for me. Which is nice.
Cedeno taught me how to slide past second base.
KKK- The Klan
KKKK- The Golden Sombrero
See Lou, the fans HATE these darkies. I’m still here in Iowa for you!
Our defense is terrible
Did somebody say golden shower?
I need to die from a painful case of rectal cancer
I am SO SCRAPPY
Get off of me dammit!!!!
I’m dealin’ now.
I’m pitching around Ian Snell to get to the lead off hitter.
3-0 to the pitcher. Yeah you’re dealin’ alright. Meth!
Hey 122, bladder cancer is painful too. You should try both and see how it plays out.
Us Patterson kids are just dumb.
Listen Lil Patterson. I am the Golden Glover. I am the Man and this team. So when I call for the ball, get the hell out of the way.
Does this mean I am eligible for the win today? Really?
Neat.
Hopefully I’ll be getting used soon.
Fukky after I almost got into DLee’s way on that pop up. I’m going to try to crash into you on a routine fly out.
131.
Not if I have anything to say about it.
I need new batteries.
“They’re very passionate people and passionate fans,” DeRosa said. “You’re torn in situations like that [when they threw balls back] — you get a chuckle out of it, and at the same time, it wastes 10 minutes of your life. I don’t think he needed to go that far with the comments. Obviously, he has some deep-seated hatred for Chicago.”
Can I sign the stretch today? It’s the only work I’m getting these days.
Sure, sign language is better than listening to you.
I got dirty making that catch.
Lee without a hit today. Can we ifnally get a real #3 hitter?
ZOMG I’m 0-3 I sure hopes Mr. Piniella doesn’t send me to Iowa!
I won’t pitch against the Cubs next week.
For all of the nervous handwringing about me, my ERA is down to 3.86 on the season.
You are all sorts of stupid with that comment.
Why isn’t Fukky swinging at those balls in the dirt?
My batting average is .362. I have hit 6 home runs so far this season. Maybe The Riot should bat third.
Keep it up Rich. Keep it up…
Where did I go? Why am I not pitching?
I just have to work on my control. Like when the voices in my head tell me to kill, I have to control it until it’s safe to do so.
Here we go boys.
Why are we active with a two run lead? In the sixth? When we have already pulled our starter? And the reliever is doing ok?
Lou Piniella is Mr. Stupid.
It’s a good thing we are well rested.
Why is Hill out after only me?
Yes USE US ALL TODAY
Don’t worry, I got this.
152 and 154,
How many pitches did I throw today?
Santo says 75, so my guess is 82 is right.
just said that the “stalwarts” in the bullpen, Marmol, Howry and Wood, haven’t pitched in a few days so they should be well rested.
Apparently I’m another word for “guys who don’t suck”
Two of us to get three outs? Guh.
I texted Len to let him know that I threw an inning today and felt good. I didn’t mention that I gave up 12 runs.
We exist right? This Snell guy sucks.
That is some award winning hitting I’m doing today.
And all it took was us getting to the 7th inning.
A bus ticket to Iowa? Don’t understand. I won an award and $100.
The $100 was for the ticket to Iowa. Say hi to RedBeard. Feel free to punch him in the throat.
Rookies who don’t hit me should be optioned.
That’s all you colored boys get to prove yourselves.
I’ve got a bad feeling Kerry is due for a blow up.
We’re done for the day so if we could just wrap this game up now that would be great.
Coming out party? I’m gay?
Who the hell am I and why am I good?
It would be nice to not to see the Cubs give these losers as many chances to win as they did when they played in Pissburgh.
Ron needs to look me up in the dictionary – using me on a routinue occurance renders my meaning meaningless. wow.
Were you worried?
Would like to see one of those State Farm, Allstate, Progressive, American Family, AON insurance runs about now.
WOW WOW WOW
Marmol has me.
I lead off more innings than our #1 hitter does. ARam is a one-man inning killer.
Why won’t Marmol wear me?
Don’t make fun of my ears. And don’t ask me tough questions either or I’ll whine about it for weeks.
What were we?
I’m a moron.
You need to start pretending to be a maverick, Barry. That way the press will bring you doughnuts, kiss your ass and not ask you any difficult questions at all. Even if your only economic experience is being at the heart of the biggest financial scandal of the 80s.
when announcers say nobody in the crowd has gone home is an example of me.
Hey Barry, get out of here, I’m the true Cub fan in this race. Or maybe Yankees, I’m not sure. Anybody wanna take a shot and go shootin?
I get my ass kissed so often it’s covered in Chap Stick.
Hey 188, you’d wear chapstick too if you had to pucker up to McCain’s shriveled cheeks every day.
Maybe you are right, John. But acting like a man of the people because he was a “community organizer” for three years two decades and a Harvard law degree ago was working so well for Barack. I should instead focus on economics, where the most experience I have is based on receiving a paycheck.
People who talk politics right now are me. Enjoy the game and worry about that later.
Daddy, what was reality?
I don’t remember, son. Now Hush, Fox News is on.
Hey 184, my .235 lifetime batting average with 2 outs and RISP agrees with my Japanese friend.
is when you drop the shot in the glass of beer Hillary but nice try, I’m still not voting for you.
That’s right bow down before me. Never ask any questions about what an empty suit I am. Keep drinking the Kool Aid my zombies.
Right, Barry. That’s why you’re being portrayed as a terrorist-lover for not wearing a stupid lapel pin, and I never even get asked about why I don’t wear one. That’s why people are still asking you about your pastor and no one’s saying jack-squat about the two insane pastor-guys (Hagee and Parsley) whose endorsement *I sought*.
Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got some doughnuts to en-… hey, wait, put those down, Hendry! Who the hell let you in here?
196,
I like your ass kissing. It’s very original.
Hey guys, am I against torture, or in favor of it? I forgot. Because I’m old.
How about you take that politics talk somewhere else?
There are a lot of really stupid people in this world. I am a prime example.
But Barry – you called me you spiritual leader. And you attended my church for twenty years. So our relationship isn’t even political expediency, but personal choice.
And politics do not mix and to think it all started with Obamas ears making a comment.
Win!
My next mailbag will inform you that “Welcome to the Jungle” was today’s Kerry Wood walk-from-the-bullpen song.
A nice quick drama free 9th for Woody.
Strikes with FIRE motherbitches!
**** y’all.
thats me
Flap Flap Flappity Flap
I’m a fucktard.
I’m starting to like this closer shit.
I’m pretty good at it.
I’ll see you bunch of shit talkers tomorrow.
Cubs fans don’t deserve that win.
I’m supposed to be a maverick, remember? Straight talk? Above “political expediency.” So why I’m I brown-nosing two guys who have made comments far worse than anything that Wright has said? Sounds like a personal choice to me.
Can Lou not pitch me into the ground? I need couple of days off.
I like 7 pitch 1-2-3 saves. Especially on a beautiful Friday afternoon.
We can hear you blathering.
Carlos, I wouldn’t need to pitch you that long if our starter today wasn’t so emotionally fragile. I had to boost his confidence, even if it means you have a sore arm tonight. Go find a nice slumpbuster at Murphy’s to take your mind off it, kid.
As a matter of fact, it WOULD kill us to put up an insurance run or two.
Marisa Miller digs me because I had her pull my finger and I farted.
That’s not why I dug you, Dempie. You know I was only into you for the blown saves. Too bad, we could have been something together..
I’m a douche. Maybe I should get my stupid Sean Hannity-inspired talking points out of the gamecast.
That’s right #222 only lefty opinions should be made. No other opinions are valid. We liberals are so open minded as long as everyone is in agreement with us.
Both of you two fucksticks need to shut the fuck about it during GameCasts, as this not the place for drawn-out, talking points bullshit from either side.
Today I figured out what my special purpose is!!
doges
I’m clean, I mean it
Obama and Clinton are fucktards….period.
Ah shit
“Obama and Clinton are fucktards….period”
Finally, the level of political discourse is raised. Really a well thought out and reasoned critique of the Democratic candidates. Well done, sir. I’ll now be heading over to your political blog for what is no doubt an interesting essay on government subsidies in a free market.
I hit a home run today.