Don’t pretend you’re not impressed!
Pitching matchup
Mets: Nelson Figueroa, 1-0, 3.60 ERA
Cubs: Theodore Roosevelt Lilly, 0-3, 9.16 ERA
Shop the Desipio/Pointless Exercise Store
Don’t pretend you’re not impressed!
Pitching matchup
Mets: Nelson Figueroa, 1-0, 3.60 ERA
Cubs: Theodore Roosevelt Lilly, 0-3, 9.16 ERA
Maybe, just maybe, my fastball will top 70 mph today. Yay?
Don’t look down, don’t look down…
Aramis and his cocks!
This is the kind of thing, honestly, right now, that makes you want to see the Chicago Cubs team lose.
Who want’s to touch it?
The great battle of pitchers batting 8th in the lineup. Yost vs LaRussa. It’s like watching 2 retarded kids fighting over a candy bar.
suprisingly strong
Cubs lineup:
Vag chin, LF
Pee-ay, CF
MVLee, 1B
Pancakes, 3B
Fukkake, RF
Ponderosa, 2B
Ron Cey, SS
Hank White, C
Cereal Killer, P
Anybody up for the .700 Club?
If I don’t win today I’m going to kill someone.
If I win today I’m going to kill someone to celebrate.
What today’s lineup looks like
Anyone want to start one on how long Lilly lasts?
The wind is blowing out, i should be shitting my pants right now
Is all that Ted will see
Are we back?
I’m already warm Uncle Lou!
Brave!
Any of you homos make fun of me and I’ll kill you.
Flags were back last night.
Series tied, 334 – 334
J. Reyes ss
A. Pagan rf
D. Wright 3b
C. Beltran cf
C. Delgado 1b
D. Easley 2b
B. Clark lf
R. Casanova c
N. Figueroa p
Don’t mind the maggots?
I’m playing second base and left field today.
If I can get my ERA under 9, I’m going on a celebratory killing spree.
“In my mind, I remember Lou telling me to go through with the front foot. One swing, but tomorrow I’m going to start and I’ll see tomorrow. This is a good feeling, something in my life I’ll never forget.â€
I miss Ken Doll
My bowels feel like they are going to explode.
My butt hurts.
Corey taught me to swing at pitches over my head.
Maybe Dick Stockton will get my name right if I keep hitting.
Forget about it Pecan and tell your friend Adolpho that too.
TR Lilly’s beating a dead horse, but I’m still laughing.
Len says that I go about my business quietly. Well that’s obvious you have to keep the victims quiet too.
Only 1 inning, but TRL is looking decent.
What’s with the butt jokes?
You people have NO RIGHT to rag on our apple!
Hitting .167, but it’s a ROBUST .167
Ha ha!
It looks like I’ve got decent control today. And control is so very important.
#34 – Pagan missed a lot of time last season with colitis. Look it up.
That was Eas-ley playable.
Hey 40, I like your style. We should write a screenplay together or something.
Are leading the league in elbow guards, thanks Len.
It’s so refreshing to see the Cubs finally taking a few of me.
Ogdens.
Strikes again!
I am going to be exposed like a Miley Cyrus bra.
Screw you #43. Don’t give me that base cloggin’ jive.
There’s a lot of me going on right now. You can tell they’re finally getting Dusty’s grimy fingerprints scrubbed off this team.
That’s what happens when you have a manager in charge instead of a Baker.
Sporting the sweetest handlebar mustache in the major leagues. Eat your heart out Sal Fasano
I’m even more refreshing than a base on balls.
Bases loaded for me? Again?
Time to deliver once again..
I don’t get what you are trying to accomplish here, dudes
Apparently I need a chiropractor!
Not this time.
I got this.
Guh
Fuck, my offense sucks
We wanted to get out of the inning right? Wait…we didn’t?
Just killed me another rally.
1st pitch double play. Nice way to waste bases loaded and no outs.
Bases Loaded Nobody Out = 0 Runs.
More offensive than Hank White
hank white lacks me
I can’t recall a worse 7-8-9 combo in recent Cubs history.
I bring more offense than Hank’s bat.
A little help, please?
I can almost smell a sub-8 ERA.
I half expected Soto to come out for the next inning. Who knew Hank could catch with a steak knife stuck in his back?
Thats just the decaying corpses in your basement.
Sub 9 era here I come!
agreed!
TRL’s ERA
If I win today, I’m going to buy me TWO hookers
Ha ha ha. The old “Ted’s a serial killer” joke. You guys are too much.
I think you’re misremembering.
TRL really mowed down the Mets. Just chopping them into small pieces.
3 straight pitches? Really?
Ha! ha!
You can suck on my surgically repaired nutsack, bitches!
2 hits in 2 days. Look out DiMaggio.
Who do I have to kill to get some offense today?
get a brain.
Nelson Figueroa?
Len said the Mutt’s offense has gone cold. I like them cold, like a corpse.
Mendoza! I’m coming for you!
Getting old faster than Albert Pujols
.194 and climbing!
TL: “I am going to kill you.”
I’m getting old faster than Albert Pujols.
What about colitis jokes? Are those getting old?
#66, how about Sept 13, 2006. Mabry (1B) – Izturis (SS)- Blanco (C) -Guzman (P). I included #6 just to show the sheer ineptitude of that day’s lineup. A 6-0 loss to the Dodgers and Brad Penny.
Or, July 5, 2004. This is a good one. Macias (LF) – Ordonez (SS) – Clement. Result: 1-0 loss to the Brew Crew and Ben Sheets.
Here’s a fun one: June 17, 2005. At Yankee Stadium. Hollandsworth (LF) – Blanco (C) – Enrique Wlison (2B) – Zambrano. You could’ve made a case for hitting Z 6th or 7th in that lineup, easily. Shockingly, the Cubs lost that game 9-6.
We’re not so good.
Now I’m getting back to form
Morpheus, please, some of us are getting back from lunch.
Yeah, but look how far we’ve come, Hawk.
Shit dude, forget about the bottom of the order, there were games in 05 when the 1-2 hitters were Macias and Perez.
At least Delgado is slow?
In case you’re looking for another reason to hate me I’m also nailing Erin Andrews.
The bases are loaded!
And so am I!
98, I know. I saw a Neifi-Enrique 1-2 at one point. The previous comment had been about bad 7-8-9 combos, so that’s what I went with.
Larry: What’s going on, Ted?
Ted: Hi Larry.
Larry: You just walked Wright and Beltran.
Ted: Yeah.
Larry: Why?
Ted: I’m setting up the double play.
Larry: You didn’t need to walk both of them to do that.
Ted: Oh. Oops.
As in, Lou come forth from the dugout.
Can I bat for the other team?
He had ’em all along.
HA!
As in Easley Out. Get it?
Can’t let just the Cubs have the fun of blowing bases loaded opportunities.
Ted just dodged a few bullets.
No…he dated Erin Andrews…now he is hooking up with some model.
Great material 108! Hey what’s the deal with Ovaltine anyway?
The point is I”m pulling boy band quality ass over here.
Hit machine!
2-2 today.
needs to be cockpunched.
.348 and rising like the sun!
We are always having our way with the Cubs
Good baselunning
I am taking the spot of a real catcher today bitches!!
Mad speed bitches
No matter how you say it…I am friggin fast.
I little fielding gift for my former team.
Fear the Blanco!
An intentional walk. They FEAR me as they should.
get a brain. go USA (including sad, sad attempts at oriental jokes)
I must have gotten to Ron Ce.
Who’s on first?
Infield single?
I am past my prime, does anyone have some roids?
I can rake!
And mow lawns.
I ripped the cover off that one. Just like I do with the skin of size 14s.
Hells yeah
There’s two more Ted.
Worship me, and my chin.
I am a spark plug.
They threw home? Like they had any chance of throwing me out.
If I did nothing else for the rest of the season, I’d have already contributed more to 2008 than you thought I would.
8-3 Brewers, but bases are loaded with no one out for the Cards.
Fearsome 7-8-9, indeed!
.188 and a sudden Jock Jones flashback.
Awesome
Oh, you Cubs fans and your silly ‘jokes’. You only laugh to cover up the tears. Tears of jealousy of the greatest franchise in baseball – the Mets.
Excuse me while I play buzzkill
You walk the 8 hitter to get to me, you die. (I actually mean that literally. I’ll kill you. It’s nothing personal, it’s just this problem I have.)
Bases loaded with nobody out 139? Too many times, too many times…
Hey 143, you recover yet from that phever you came down with last September?
We’re not exactly the ’27 Yankees over here.
I’d also like to add that I am a raging homosexual.
I don’t understand why the Cubs insist on scoring so many runs without homers. I played with Hank Aaron and…
My MLB Gameday picture looks like a picture of David Wright with Ryan Braun’s eyebrows on it.
We just gave up 3 runs to the Tards. It’s now an 8-6 game.
IS GAY! IS GAAAAAAY!
I’m afraid of Reyes
We’re supposed to win the NL Central with this bullpen? Riiiiiight.
Let’s not face David Wright this inning
I will be the first to admit that I have no idea what I am doing.
Bases loaded for Pujols with two outs. However, being able to watch both games due to my location, I can say that this is a game of truly shitty pitching, not offensive ability.
I can type while jamming a 12in dildo up my rectum….
It’s like I am still playing for the cubs.
Could we not talk about rectums?
Sadly, I am only able to watch the brewers game due to my location. Its a sad, sad game. Yet oddly satisfying.
Your Welcome!
Ok, made it through five. I’m gonna grab a shower. See you guys on the plane to Denver.
You still suck, Pecan.
Not so fast Lilly. We may have you pitch one more.
Wrigley Organist is playing it. Ironically, Ted Lillys favorite killing song.
7.29 and dropping
We could use some more rest assholes!
I’ve still got the can on lockdown.
See:
http://newyork.mets.mlb.com/images/gameday/mugshots/mlb/150153.jpg
That’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz”, not “Put it on the Ritz”. It’s about dancing the night away in a swanky Manhattan hotel nightclub, not about putting peanut butter on your cracker.
Corey? You wanna go one more? I can’t find any matches!
Just walked Fat Albert. 8-7 game.
I feel the latter is so much more satisfying. Though, I will leave that up to debate.
Hurry back, Pat. I still suck at announcing.
Young Frankenstein
At it again today:
2IP, 4ER
I have not laughed that hard in a while!! People in the office think I’m losing it over here!! Classic dude, classic!!!
Got of the inning clining to a one run lead.
Why not have both? After a full evening of sashaying across the dance floor in my top hat and tails, I always start jonesing for a cracker with a heap o’ Jif on top.
#177, not Taco? Oh, man!
We are the balls
Super duper!
Scores some more runs, I don’t want to face a save situation here
Man, do I have to do all the work around here?
Was the shit in the ’70s.
He would have to have an enormous schwansticker.
#172: I vote for the latter as well, but only if you’re talking about putting bacon grease on said cracker.
We are the balls!!
One more inning for me? Then a Marshall – Marmol – Wood combo?
Who used all the fucking toilet paper?
I’m hungry…
That’s more like me.
I’ve got big balls.
you know you’re just tempting me leaving Lilly in there, right?
Am I coming soon?
Hey #190 don’t forget about me.
I’m just setting up for the double play
Almost
Sweeeeeet
1 run in 6 innings. I’ll let you guys handle it from here.
Hey, six innings, one run! I’m going to go into the clubhouse and douse myself with champagne.
Nice outing today against a pretty good line-up.
I still might kill Derosa
You know Raul Casanova’s a piece of crap when I’m out and the Mets miss my offense.
Down to 7.30. Barely.
I’m back, bitches.
Quality Start, ogdens
Quality start. Definitely an improvement over the quanity of crap Lilly served up previously.
I’ll get that run back right now.
What is the over under for how many pitches it takes for me to blow this save?
Fear me, Ogdens.
I am pitching for the Brewers now! Yay?
I hit Izturis on the elbow. It does not look good for Izturis, as it looked incredibly painful.
Wow, Gagne’s already put the leadoff guy on, and it was Pizza Pizza!
I decided to start the inning by hitting Izturis just for fun.
I hear you laughing at me Brenly!!
The last base I stole was in 2001, damn I got wheels
First and third with no one out… right where I want them
And now a single. 1st and 3rd no outs.
219, maybe a double steal here?
Rally time hermanos
I was safe bitch!
.182
As good as sac bunt. (Not that we needed another one.)
Next time I’ll hit it out of the infield.
I’m singing today.
Better than a double play to end the inning. Now we have three on for Lee and Ramirez
With my speed why didn’t I score?
I’m due.
Blown save. Weeks can’t turn a double play
Maybe next time.
I sent that for a ride
Wasn’t the wind supposed to be blowing out?
Hey, now I can get the win
Do my pants fit yet?
Did someone say that Gagne has blown 4? Can he make room for 5?
My ERA is over 8. That’s a good thing, right?
got out with anymore damage.
I showed up today.
An eight pitch seventh? Who are these guys, the Reds?
Nice when Howrey makes it look simple.
WTF
Is Glanville hammered!?
playing second base cause izzy is out. larue in at first
Apparently I’m a pretty good baseball writer now. Who knew?
Well, I did once get a triple that postponed the inevitable.
Hit it to second!
Is Suppan really pinch hitting for Gagne?
Man, Fukudome is just ridiculous!
He pinch hit yesterday too
I (like Devin) am ridiculous.
Damn you morpheus.
Pronouncing “Rookie of the year” is really helping my english.
254, why?
I would like to once again repeat that I have no idea what I am doing.
You and your fast fingers beat me to the “ridiculous” pronouncement.
My bad
Forget Rookie of the Year. I’m gunning for MVP.
When did i learn how to foul off pitches and have “quality at bats?”
Alright, 260, now you have gone too damn far.
Easy there, Fukkake.
I’ll strike out swinging on ball 4.
Am I really leaving Gagne in for another inning?
ROY, MVP, Cy Young
Put me in, Ned!
Yea…the predictions made within me. Not looking so good.
I hopped all the way to the on deck circle for that?
How the hell did I get into Ward’s pouch?
Wow, I almost forgot the rule that you have to intentionally walk every Cubs’ catcher.
It’s Matt! Woo! Go Matt! Hit a single!
265, since you pinch-hit for Gagne with Suppan… probably not.
I’m going deep. Like a few feet over the second base bag with this one.
All I need is a single here. I can do that.
Caaaaarrrrrrrmmmmmeeeeeeeennnnnnnn!!!!!!
I predict that Apex’s boyfriend gets the job done right here.
Turns out, I’m about a mile wide and six inches off the ground, which is covered with pillows and Victoria Secret models.
That’s all we have today. Really? C’mon Ginger.
The Cubs offense is me today.
That at bat was AAA+
If Marissa Miller is there I’m diving in head first…
Ted Lilly is me.
I’ve displayed Kevin Orie type power this year!
CHICAGO (TICKER) —Chicago Cubs left fielder Alfonso Soriano, currently on the 15-day disabled list with a right calf strain, hopes to begin more strenuous running this week.
Soriano is eligible to come of the DL on May 1, when the Cubs host the Milwaukee Brewers.
“There’s no more pain,†Soriano told the Cubs’ web site Tuesday. “It’s still a little sore, but no more pain.â€
Soriano has been hitting off a batting tee in the clubhouse during the eight-game homestand, which ends with Tuesday’s contest against the New York Mets.
Prior to suffering the injury, Soriano had moved back to the leadoff spot in the lineup, However, he also had gotten off to a slow start, batting just .175 with a .230 on-base percentage.
With Soriano sidelined, Reed Johnson has excelled in the leadoff spot, hitting .346 with a .417 on-base percentage heading into Tuesday’s contest.
“There’s no more pain,†Soriano told the Cubs’ web site Tuesday. “It’s still a little sore, but no more pain.â€
What does that mean? How can something be sore, with no pain?
I look like an angry motherfucker
I look like I have a vagina on my chin
Shit, I am a vag face
Can’t do it every time.
You guys want some marmolade?
So, for Beyonce and Jay-Z, candlesticks?
First one to mention me can eat a dick. Oops.
Had it all the way bitches.
David Wright will be in the HOF and Chicago(the city) sucks. TAKE THAT!
That’s not my show, but I’m on that show.
Mom let you stay home from school today?
Wow. I now have to pick up the pieces of my delicate, and now shattered, psyche.
I need a bath.
My gameday is broken. Anything happening in the top of the 8th?
At least my streets don’t smell like piss!
that metsman1980 is moises alou typing in after letting his hands dry post-pee break?
Just Carlos mowing shit down.
Some guy with obama ears came in and was filthy.
Gameday’s back. Marmol mowed ’em down. Top 8 over.
Another hit for me.
Awesome
To hell with the streets smelling like piss, sniff these hands!
I own you Sosa.
.206 bitches!
Fun to watch right now with the current configuration
Over .200, bitches.
Where’s that wind?
The biggest cock tease since Ramirez
Mendoza! You’re mine asshole!
Ah, open your big oval eyes umpire!
“A. Ramirez files to deep left.
Would it have been too unrealistic to expect Pie to have tagged if it was deep? I haven’t seen the play, I’m jut asking.
Don’t fuck up, don’t fuck up
shit
I blew that fair/foul call at third. Are you really surprised?
The Cubs have left us on base so far.
I hate Angel Hernandez
Time to break this bitch wide open
Bases loaded with two outs again.
Grand slam bitches!
Grand Slam ogdens.
Eat your heart out Pie!
Really? I am this good? Really? I am really this good right now?
no problem, doges
You eat like that!
…what the shit?!
You feeling that MetsTroll1980
WOW! Guess RoCe is our 8th inning basis loaded specialist.
That about describes it.
I see Oleg and now JD. Who else wants on?
-Ronny Cedeno
The Cubs are good at me.
You gotta be fucking kidding!!!!!!!
We love the 8th inning.
WTF? The scouting report said those guys were terrible!!!
Hey Willie, take your scouts and go **** yourself!
Hey, Cubs, you guys still got that scary looking dude around? Can he kill me and end my misery?
Am I still a bottom 126er at HJE?
Ron, you’re killing my save opportunities (keep it up).
My turn
You better get right with me. The end is nigh.
*weeping openly as RonCe punches him in the kidneys*
My OBP is approaching .500. Sick.
At least he has the last two days
Done.
Fire up the ogdenmobile! Honk, honk, motherfuckers.
6-1 the rest of the month gets the Cubs 20 wins in April.
*in fetal position*
shove it
Where’s that Theriot kid?
Don’t make me get up again Hart.
How interesting can I make this?
I had the shits today. Pat won’t stop talking about it.
I’ll pepper your sauce
There seems to be no shortage of blood to drink…
We won. So the cubs are up 1.5 on the rest of the division.
Flap Flap Flappity Flap doges
I hope this works. BTW, this link is VERY not safe for work.
Not since Harry Caray has this call sounded so good. (new window)
It feels good to be out again!
I just won the game for Milwaukee.
Suck it, New York.
I sure do sound amazing.
Cue my ghey ass song..
…and I scored the winning run.
i am sky high for this team right now. lets play again tonight.
OH YEAH
i sure sound good about now.
It’s only me. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’…
May contain Venereal Disease. Proceed with caution.
I no longer exist about the MetsFan1980 posts. It all makes sense after visiting HJE.
What is this? Still waiting approval on the boards so prolly missing something
What do you want them to do, morans? Win games in September in April? I don’t think that’s allowed. The only games they can possibly win are the ones they’re playing. And they’re winning those. So STFU. Essentially telling people to sit on their hands until August or later is stupid.
is me:
http://hirejimessian.com/
It’s nice for them to be winning games now. I’m just saying don’t get all excited because they’re playing great now since there is oh I don’t know 142 MORE FUCKING GAMES to go in the season. We might want to temper the giggliness a little, ya know?
Games 1-20 mean just as much as games 143-162.
So, yes. Anytime Big Blue wins 14 of 20, I’ll cheer.
On to 10,000 wins tonight!
You can’t win the division in April but you sure can lose it, the cubs have not lost it therefore we are happy. There is a long way to go but so far so good.
Will I exist. Wait, I am typing this, right?
In honor of the Cubs, and in complete disregard for my coworkers, I will spend the next two days singing Go Cubs Go! 10,000 times.