Keep your eye on the ball, Fukkake!

Don Zimmer used to say that if you can go at least .500 in your first 40 games, that your team has a legitimate shot at being in the pennant race all year long. You have to remember that Don had a plate in his head and he’d pee his pants if he walked by a microwave, but…yeah, I have no idea what kind of point Don was trying to make.

The Cubs are currently 16-9 and only the Arizona Diamondbacks have a better record so far than they do. This has come as a surprise, not so much because they’re good, but how they’ve been winning games. Since the start of the second World War, we’ve grown comfortably accustomed to the Cubs having no idea how to put together an offense.

It’s not like they haven’t had a plan. It normally involves them swinging at everything, striking out a lot and hitting a lot of solo homers. We liked it that way. It was comforting. Now…now we’re just confused.

What are you supposed to make of a team that has these offensive rankings in the National League?

Runs — 2nd (one behind Arizona)
Hits — 1st
Doubles — 1st
Home Runs — 7th
Total Bases — 3rd
Batting Average — 1st
On Base Average — 2nd
Slugging — 5th
On Base + Slugging (OPS) — 1st
Walks — 2nd
Stolen Bases — 5th
Strikeouts — 8th

Somewhere, Dusty Baker’s glasses have fogged up and a toothpick has lodged itself in his nose.

Last year the Cubs took crap for not being that good at home, so this year they’ve won 10 of their first 14 games at Wrigley (and nine of their last 10). They got off to a lousy start last year, so this year they…haven’t. They’ve done it with only two of their starting pitchers being consistently good, and one of those has been Ryan Dempster. I’m not even making this up.

St. Louis is off to a 16-10 start, which is kind of cute, considering that they suck, and Milwaukee is still managed by Ned Yost. Remember how the Brewers started last season 25-11? Remember that? You know what they are since then? How about 72-79? In other words, we should all be thankful for the existence of Ned Yost, baseball dumbass.

Sure, the Cubs just dropped two of three to the woeful Washington Nationals. They lost on Friday night when Bob Howry (do not open until May) gave up an opposite field homer to Wil Nieves in the bottom of the ninth. Well, hey, it was understandable, I mean, it was Wil Nieves. It may have been his first big league homer, but he was all about the power in the minors. In 13 short minor league seasons he hit 51 homers and it only took him 3,458 at bats. So he was due. Guh.

On Sunday they got shut out by the future Hall of Fame threesome of John Lannan, Luis Ayala and Jon Rauch, so…uh…hey, even the 1908 Cubs started 16-8, so the Cubs are only a half game off that pace. World Series, here they come!

Anyway, it’s time for a Cubs Report, and you know what that means. Half-assed, anecdotal jibberish about each player.

Carlos Zambrano — Last year was a rollercoaster for the big guy, he got off to a terrible start, got it together, lost it and got it together. This year he appears to focusing on the peaks, not the valleys. He’s already 4-1 with at 2.21 ERA and how about his 32-9 strikeout to walk ratio? He’s also gotten to pinch hit a few times, and has a three hit game at the plate. He’s still prone to yelling at himself on the mound and has twice threatened to break his bat over his knee (always a crowd pleaser, no matter how incredibly dumb it is). On Saturday he made bodily contact with his catcher in the dugout. Sure, he was giving Geovany Soto a hug after throwing seven scoreless innings, and not punching him in the face.

Ryan Dempster — Fine, he’s been pretty good, not great, but pretty good. He does that weird thing in his delivery where he wiggles his glove with the ball still in it and it makes me want to beat him to death with a garden weasel, but he’s 3-0 with a 2.90 ERA, so I can wait for a little while. He’d be so much easier to root for if he wasn’t always trying to be funny and clever. Just shut the hell up once and a while, see how that works.

Theodore Roosevelt Lilly — His last two starts have been better, but his first four were so bad, they could hardly have been worse. On Sunday, he struck out with runners at second and third and he got a crazed look on his face and took his bat down into the tunnel from the visitor’s dugout to the clubhouse at the new Nationals Park. I hope the Nats put some plexiglass around whatever part of the bat is still sticking out of that wall. The Cubs don’t have a true number two starter until Ted gets himself right, so he needs to do that. 1-4 with a 6.46 ERA is more obscene than Britney’s new bikini shots.

Jason Marquis — If you think the Cubs aren’t praying he can string together four or five good starts so they can trade him and move Jon Lieber into the rotation, you should just put the wheels back on your house and relocate to the 314 area code. He pitched OK in Philly despite being sick, then had good starts against the Pirates and Rockies back to back. he’s getting 7.7 runs of support and he’s 1-0. What’s that tell you, though?

Rich Hill — Just like his mentor, Senor Lilly, Rich is off to a lousy start. He’s 1-0 with a 3.79 ERA but trust me, he’s been lousy. How about a 14 strikeout to 14 walk ratio? Is that bad? It seems like every team has one starter who always looks like he wants to leave the game as soon as possible, You know, like Matt Clement. Rich is that guy for the Cubs. When he’s on he’s fun to watch and tough to hit. In his last two starts he’s thrown his curveball for strikes and when he does that he’s fine. When he can’t? He’s about as much fun to watch as any Woody Allen movie made in the last 12 years.

Carlos Marmol — We all now that he was signed to be a catcher, but did you realize he’s only been a full-time pitcher since 2004? 2004! That’s absurd. He’s the best setup man in the game, and one of a handful of pitchers who can truly dominate any part of any team’s lineup. In 16 and a third innings he’s struck out 21 guys and has a 1.65 ERA. People are worried that Lou Piniella is going to overuse Marmol because of his heavy workload, but honestly, the idea is for the Cubs to use Bob Howry, Marmol and Kerry Wood from the seventh on to close out games. Considering the Cubs won 15 of their first 22 games, those guys probably were going to be busy. With the starters finally going deeper into games, the workload for Marmol should go down. And hey, here’s good news for you worry warts, if the Cubs start a 14 game losing streak, he can get lots of rest!

Kevin Hart — Last year he showed up late in the season and threw lots of strikes and was really impressive. This year he’s not throwing so many strikes. He’s 2-1 with a 3.68 ERA but he’s got nine walks to go with 12 strikeouts. That needs a little work. On the plus side he’s wearing number 22 and not just standing in the dugout with a towel.

Jon Lieber — Right now he’s a luxury. The Cubs long man in the bullpen is good enough to start on probably 14 of the other 15 teams in the National League. He’s done fine in the bullpen, too, going 2-1 with a 1.98 ERA and throwing lots of strikes. But they’re getting to the point where if he’s only going to make one inning appearances he’s not going to be stretched out to go very long if he does have to make a start or two. Plus, he’s always been fat, but wow, the grounds crew uses one of his belts to keep the tarp rolled up.

Kerry Wood — He’s blown two saves, and both in spectacular fashion, so we’re sour on him, right? Hell no. Kerry has been very impressive as a closer. He throws strikes (12 strikeouts and two walks), throws really hard (96-98 routinely) and he’s just been so efficient. Plus, you know he’s not even comfortable in the role yet. The Cubs have only lost once when they’ve brought him in to close out a win, so he’s not exactly Eric Gagne or anything.

Bob Howry — He’s been horrific. It’s not just the 7.30 ERA or the 19 hits in 12 innings…no, wait, that’s exactly what it is. He’s been throwing harder lately, but missing his spots. He does it every year, so it’s not time to panic, but it is a pain in the ass.

Michael Wuertz — He also went through a rough stretch, one in which he just couldn’t get anybody out. Lou only let him face two hitters with a big lead in a game against the Reds. He coughed up two big runs in the win over the Rockies, but showed better stuff and control over the weekend in Washington. When fat Scott Eyre comes back in May, somebody’s got to go in the bullpen, and Michael needs to prove it shouldn’t be him.

Sean Marshall — He’s too good a pitcher to be a LOOGY at his age, but right now he’s doing a nice job on an emergency basis in the bullpen. It’s likely that when Eyre comes back, Marshall will go to Iowa to start again, but if Wuertz or Hart struggles, Lou might decide he wants two lefties in his bullpen.

Carmen Pigniatello — He won’t be back for quite some time. So that 13.50 ERA might stick to his baseball card.

Larry Rothschild — The Cockroach (he can live through anything from Don Baylor to Bruce Kimm to Dusty Baker to Lou) seems to be getting his lefties straightened out, finally. It would have been nice if he’d have done that in Arizona before the season started, though.

Derrek Lee — People are giving credit for the improved Cubs offense to the influence the patient ways of newbies Kosuke Fukudome and Reed Johnson have had, and that’s not completely inaccurate.  But for me, the reason for the resurgence of the offense is the rebirth of Derrek Lee as a dominant offensive force.  He’s hitting .359 with a .432 on base average and already has seven homers and 21 RBI.  He insists that his broken wrist from 2006 didn’t impact his season last year, and maybe it didn’t (after the All-Star Break at least when he hit 16 homers and slugged .554 in the 68 games after the All-Star Break compared to 6 and .479 before).  Whatever, he’s ripping it now, and playing Gold Glove defense at first.  Sweet.

E-ramis Ramirez — He got off to a lousy start, but he’s turned it around and is actually hustling on the basepaths now.  Go figure.  His patience is improved as he’s already walked 15 times (his career high is only 50).  He’s never struck out a lot, but his willingness to take a walk (we’ll get to that next) has made him that much more dangerous.  He’s hitting .281 with a .397 on base average and has already driven in 19 runs.

Fukkake! — Never has a man with only a homer and nine RBI had more of an impact on a team than Kosuke has.  He’s unbelievable.  The rare player who was hyped before his arrival but not enough.  He does everything well.  He’s a great hitter with unbelievable plate discipline, he runs the bases well, he plays outstanding defense and has a rocket arm.  Lou took a lot of crap for “wasting” him in the fifth spot, but you can see from E-ramis’ transformation at the plate that having a real threat behind him has made him better.  Plus, Fukudome has given Mark DeRosa and Geovany Soto a crapload of RBI chances hitting behind him.  I’m so excited I might even run out and print up some culturally insensitive t-shirts to celebrate!

Ryan Theriot — He couldn’t have timed his hot streak better.  Once Alfonso Soriano hurt his calf (and really, animal cruelty is just so wrong) Theriot got red hot.  His average is up to .326 and his on base average is a cool .400.  But come on, he’s not a shortstop.  He’s got no range and a weenie arm, and he dropped a sure double play ball that led directly to a Cubs’ loss in Colorado.  His stolen base percentage is for shit and twice this year he’s been out unnecessarily trying to steal third base with Derrek Lee at the plate.  When the Cubs play Ronny Cedeno at second and Theriot at short, I can’t be alone in wondering why their middle infield is lining up backwards.  The reason he’s playing short is because Ronny has always been too dumb to trust.  Cedeno’s the guy with all the real shortstop tools, and if Ronny could ever put it together (wait a few paragraphs), it would start the process of turning Theriot back into the utility infielder he was born to be.

Mark DeRosa — His numbers look good (.274, .382 oba, three homers, 17 RBI) and he’s already played left, right, second, third and first.  But if he breaks out that exaggerated uppercut swing with runners at second and third and less than two outs and swings over three straight pitches one more time, my brain is going to explode.  How can a guy that smart consistently do something that dumb?  Regardless, I’m not going to rag on Mark too much.  He’s a good baseball player and a lifesaver on this club because of his versatility.  Plus, he spent last Sunday night just like us, watching the Cubs Forever thing on WGN.  I mean, the only way Kyle Farnsworth would have seen it would have been if one of his skanks had braced herself on the TV instead of the milk crates he used as a headboard.

Geovany Soto — Again, let’s start with his numbers.  He’s hitting .316 with a .415 on base average, three homers and 14 RBI.  He’s done all of that batting seventh and handling the pitching staff.  He’s been awesome.  But how in the hell has he struck out in his last eight at bats?  How many foul balls did he even have in those eight at bats?  Six?  Four?  I’m serious.  He couldn’t have looked worse.  He looked like Rick Wrona for chrissakes.  Nothing seems to faze him, though.  In the midst of that horrific run, he didn’t take those at bats back behind the plate with him.  He also went through some terrible throwing problems early in the year and he’s throwing great now.  In other words, he’s the unique Cubs prospect who actually is capable of making adjustments.  No wonder Carlos gave his fat ass a big hug.

Reed Johnson — Can somebody explain to me why the Blue Jays cut this guy?  Seriously.  He’s hitting .324 with a .410 on base average, he’s got nine RBI, he’s been studly leading off and he did this:

[Youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl31hNaesDA]

Which gets better when synched with the sterling call of Cory Provus and Ron Santo.  Hey, it was so good Cory didn’t give it his standard, “There’s a flyball.  Caught.” routine.

[Youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9tJzjlbw7k]

Alfonso Soriano — The Cubs didn’t miss a beat after he got hurt, and incredibly most of that can be traced to…Ronny Cedeno?  Regardless, it’s going to be good to get him back on Thursday.  Lou says he’s going to bat Soriano leadoff when he comes back, but one thing we know about Lou, if Soriano struggles that won’t last long.  It’s what makes me want to strangle nitwits (see: NSBB) who complain about Lou’s lineups.  The crazy old bastard will try anything, but he won’t stick with something that’s not working.  I have no doubt that Soriano only gets to keep leading off if he produces right away once he’s reinstated, and I have even less doubt that Soriano knows that.

Ronny Cedeno — Seriously, who is this guy and what has he done with Ronny?  For three years now I’ve been writing how Ronny is just wasting a lot of god-given talent by being the dumbest player in baseball.  Suddenly, he gets it.  This isn’t the same Ronny.  This Ronny actually takes pitches.  This Ronny hits the ball to right field.  This Ronny has only thrown the ball into the 17th row once so far.  This Ronny, if he keeps it up, will take the everyday shortstop job from Ryan Theriot when Theriot cools off.  The Cubs tried to give him away to the Orioles this spring.  Ronny’s hitting .364 with a .417 on base average with a homer and 13 RBI.  Orioles shortstop Luis Hernandez is hitting .233 with three RBI.  Nice move, MacPhail.

Mike Fontenot — Sure, he’s cute.  Honestly with the weird hair you have expect Carlos Zambrano to grab him in the dugout and rub him back and forth like a pencil until his hair does this:

Fonty!

But can he really play?  He can only handle one defensive spot (second base), he’s a bad pinch hitter and he’s never really been very good, except for that stretch last year when he first came up.  The only things saving him right now are that he bats lefthanded and that Matt Murton didn’t hit at all when he got called back up so there’s not even a temptation to send Fonty back to Iowa.  Yet.

Felix Pennsylvania — I have to admit, I’ve been impressed with his ability to actually adjust on the fly.  When he was struggling at his worst, Lou took him out of the lineup (much to the chagrin–as unfounded as it was–of many Cubs fans) and worked on his swing.  Reed Johnson played great, buying Felix all the time he’s needed.  In his last 12 at bats he’s hit .417 with a .462 on base average with a homer and four RBI.  He’s one of the best defensive outfielders in the big leagues (as Lastings Milledge found out the hard way) and his mere presence on the bases won the Cubs a game in Colorado.

How so?

A lot of us couldn’t figure out why Lou would pinch run for Derrek Lee with one out in a one run game on Wednesday night in Denver.  Felix didn’t try to steal second, so why was he in?  Hell, Lee could have jogged around the bases on E-ramis’ homer as well as Felix did.  Lou explained that Rockies pitcher Manny Corpas tries to pitch with a slide step when there’s a basestealer on, and not only does Manny struggle with it, but he can’t throw his slider very well without his normal stride.  Felix went in, Manny went to the slide step, E-ramis sat on the fastball and homered.  How cool is that?

Hank White — Just luxuriate in Hank’s awesome hitting stats.  .353 batting average, .421 on base average, one RBI!  Admit it, you’re impressed.  But Hank’s there for more than his handsomeness and hot bat, he’s taken Soto under his tattooed wing.  Saturday night, after strikeout number seven, Comcast had a shot of Hank sitting with Soto on the bench, and Hank was pointing to right field.  You could practically see him saying, “Just take that weak assed curveball to right a couple of times, and they’ll start giving you fastballs again.”

Daryle Ward — The Fat Kangaroo still only has one hit, and twice last week he was introduced as a pinch hitter only to get recalled when the other team changed pitchers.  But even with a .067 average his on base average is .364.  And when he gets on, he pulls a faster runner out of his pouch so that guy can score.  Hey, the other night in Colorado he had Jason Marquis in there.  Who knew?

Matt Murton — Ginger has been awful since he came back from Iowa.  On a team full of on base gods, their supposed poster boy has an oba of .167.  Enjoy Des Moines, Matt.

Gerald Perry — You can’t ignore the total team transformation offensively, or not give Gerald some credit.  It’s his job to make sure they keep it up.  Right?

Lou Piniella — By now, I’m sure you all are sick of me kissing Lou’s ass, but I’m not about to stop.  I just don’t understand what’s not to like?  I’ve been watching Cubs’ baseball for going on 30 years now and this run, from the end of May last year until now is the best I’ve ever seen.  It’s not just the results, because obviously they were within a whisker of the World Series twice in that span before he showed up, it’s the approach.  This team plays the game right.  They know what they’re supposed to do and they actually try to do it.  The fact that Lou will try anything, won’t play favorites and doesn’t tolerate dumb or lazy play just adds to it.  I love the old bastard.  Anytime he’s up for a shirtless hug, I’m game.

That said, going 16-9 is a nice start, but it’s only a start.  Despite a lackluster road trip, you’re starting to see the final piece fall into place, as the starting pitching is straightening out.  I fully expect to see hot streaks like they had during the last homestand to repeat themselves on a regular basis.  This is a good baseball team.

Who knew?